United States of Hetalia Productions

This is my present to my peoples~. ^_^ You've all been good, so you get a parody fic~.

England: Why they hell do I have to be...? Bri does not own Hetalia nor A Christmas Carol.


One upon a time in London, there was a man. A greedy, selfish, filthy-stinking-rich young man.

And his name was Scrooge- I mean, Arthur Kirkland.

It was Christmas Eve and only Arthur's workers were actually working that day. They all sent death-glares into the back of the rich Englishman as he walked through the door. He glared back and waved his hand.

"You're all dismissed. Go home."

They all rushed out of there faster than you can say 'Merry Christmas, Mr. Humbug'. Except for Yao. Yao still had work to do.

Suddenly a young man slammed the door open and strolled up to the surprised Englishman.

"Merry Christmas, Artie!"

Alfred Jones. Arthur's half-brother. His wheat-colored hair had snowflakes in it and his blue eyes sparkled in a way that clearly said 'I FREAKIN' LOVE CHRISTMAS, MAN! XD'

Arthur glared at him and went back to counting his money. "Christmas? Humbug."

Alfred looked like he'd been slapped across the face. "You can't be serious!"

"I am serious. What reason do you have to be merry? You're poor enough."

Alfred pouted. "What reason do you have to be so grouchy? You're rich enough."

Arthur glared at him, because he didn't have anything to snark back. "Humbug."

"Don't be grouchy, Uncle Artie!"

"What else could I be when I'm surrounded by bloody idiots?" Arthur rolled his eyes. "'Merry Christmas'. Nothing but a time to waste money on idiotic presents and for everyone to stop important work. If I had it my way, everyone would get their arses back in here and work."

"Artie!"

"Stop calling me that! It's Arthur! I'll keep Christmas my way, and you keep it yours."

"But you don't keep it any way!"

"And what good has Christmas ever done for you, Alfred?" Arthur asked as he crossed his arms.

"Dude, it's not about what it does for you! It's about family! It's about giving! And it's about hot chocolate by the fireplace! Christmas is the only time when people lighten up. Even though Christmas never gave me money, I say it's awesome. So 'Christmas for the win!'"

Yao started clapping until Arthur gave him a death-glare.

"Keep clapping, Yao. Then you'll be able to go home for Christmas."

Yao sweatdropped. As he went back to working he mumbled "I don't even celebrate Christmas, aru. I was just amazed that Alfred made such a nice speech, aru... Maybe give me a break."

Arthur turned his attention back to Alfred. "Impressive answer. It's a wonder why you didn't go into politics."

The younger just shook his head. "Artie. Come have dinner with the rest of your family for once."

"I'd rather dine with the devil. Then again, Scot is the devil-"

"Artie!"

"I'm just saying the truth. If I come over it would be a disaster. Peter would start a food fight, Michelle would yell. Scot would drink all the whiskey-"

"Why can't you be nice for once?"

Arthur rolled his eyes again and went back to counting his money. "You're wasting my time, Alfred. Good afternoon."

Alfred walked to the door with a pout on his face. "I'm sorry you're such a Scrooge. Merry Christmas."

"Good afternoon." Arthur said in a way that said 'Get out of my bank already, git!'

Alfred waved to Yao. "Merry Christmas, Yao!"

The Chinese man sighed. "I don't celebrate... Just, merry Christmas, aru."

The second Alfred left, a group of three carolers came in.

Joy. Just bloody wonderful.

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly~" the brunette sang.

"Fa-la-la-la-la~ la-la-la-la~!" the blonde with glasses sang.

"It's, like, the season to be jolly~" the other blonde sang.

"Fa-la-la-la-la~ la-la-la-LAAAA~!" the one with glasses finished with his revolutionary voice.

Arthur facepalmed, then scowled at the three carolers. "Will you please just tell me what you want and get out?"

The brunette spoke up with a warm smile on his face. "This place is called 'Kirkland and Bonnefoy', I believe. Do I have the pleasure of addressing Mr. Kirkland or Mr. Bonnefoy?"

"Mr. Bonnefoy is dead. He's been dead for exactly seven years now..." Arthur said with a bit of sadness in his voice.

"Well, that's, like, one way to kill the mood. Hopefully this guy's the nice one."

"Feliks!" the brunette scolded before turning back to the Englishman. "As you know, this is a festive time of year, so it would be kind of you to-"

"-Donate some money so that poor kids can have, like, food, blankets, and ponies for Christmas."

"Please! Feliks!"

"Please, sir." The bespectacled blonde said. "They need food and shelter."

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "Are there no prisons?"

"There are, like, plenty of prisons."

"And the workhouses? Are they still in operation?"

"They are," the brunette responded.

"Sadly," added the man with glasses.

"Please, sir. We're trying to raise money so that poor families can have food, and water, and warmth for Christmas."

The man with glasses pulled out a pen and paper. "What should I put you down for?"

"Nothing." Arthur deadpanned.

"You, like, want to be a secret Santa?"

"No. I want to be left alone. They can go to the places I've mentioned. Or just go ahead and decrease the surplus population."

Feliks glared at Arthur. "Meanie." Then he looked at the brunette with a pout on his face. "Toris, he's, like, totally a meanie! Worse than the Grinch!"

"Surely you'd want to help, sir!" the man with glasses said.

"It's none of my concern. I already have my own troubles to deal with without having to worry about others. Good afternoon!"

With a sad look on his face, Toris said "Eduard. Feliks. Let's go."

Arthur could faintly hear a 'Toris! Let's, like, forget about the Scrooge and go watch Home Alone 2 again, 'kay?' He sighed and went back to counting his money.

Can you tell he likes counting money? The bank was just a hobby.

Yao finished his work and put on his coat.

"Goodbye, sir, aru."

"I assume you'll want the day off tomorrow?"

"Yes, aru. I want to spend time with my family."

"Holidays... they're never convenient." Arthur got up to lock up the bank.

Yao sighed as he got out the door. "I wish someone would teach you a lesson already, aru."

Here's this year's special~. Second time doing a parody of this story, so I (hopefully) know which characters fit which role~.

Alfred: Review! :D