Assigned fic for the Christmas Gift Fic Exchange at Chit Chat on Author's Corner. Written for BlueEyes444. Night of Silence is by Daniel Kantor. Also, after reading the song lyrics and the prompts, I totally had visions of Demonology, so this takes place at the end of that episode. Also, in this story, Will and JJ have broken up before Henry's birth, so Will's not in the picture.
Cold are the people, Winter of life, We tremble in shadows this cold endless night, Frozen in the snow lie roses sleeping, Flowers that will echo the sunrise, Fire of hope is our only warmth, Weary, its flame will be dying soon.
Emily stood in front of the church, her breath fogging out before her. Her nose had stopped bleeding minutes ago, and the picture of her, Matthew and John was tucked in her pocket once again. However, she still stood in front of the church, somehow unable to walk away, and unwilling to step inside.
She held out one hand, catching the falling snow and watching each perfectly unique snowflake melt into a uniform water droplet. The metamorphosis, the loss of something so beautiful, reminded her again of Matthew, and she squeezed her eyes shut against the truth of his death.
Sniffling with sinuses irritated by cold and blood, Emily shuffled closer to the church, turning away from it to sit on the steps, as close as she felt comfortable getting to the building so similar to the one that, to her mind, destroyed the lives of two children.
Voice in the distance, call in the night, On wind you enfold us you speak of the light, Gentle on the ear you whisper softly, Rumors of a dawn so embracing, Breathless love awaits darkened souls, Soon will we know of the morning.
An undetermined amount of time passed as Emily stared into the falling snow, her reverie broken as someone sat next to her.
"Hey." A slim hand, warm from being tucked inside a pocket, slipped into Emily's cold one. JJ. "You okay?"
Emily turned her head, looking at the blonde with an expression bordering on confusion. "What are you doing here?"
"Rossi said you went for a walk. I didn't think you should be alone."
"Oh." Emily's voice was distant. "Okay."
A candy cane appeared in front of Emily's face, and JJ commanded, "Here, have this. The sugar will help."
They sat in silence as Emily ate the treat. Once it was gone, JJ turned to her friend. "It's not your fault, Em. Silvano is responsible for Matthew's death, not you."
"There's more than what you know," Emily whispered, closing her eyes. They burned from being open so long without blinking.
"There always is. But I know you."
"I'm so tired, Jayje," Emily sighed, leaning against the younger woman.
JJ wrapped her arms around Emily, turning her face to press into wet, dark hair. "I know, honey," she murmured. "It's okay to be tired. You want me to take you home?"
Emily shook her head. "I don't want to be alone," she admitted softly.
"Okay. How about I take you to my place? You can get dry, have cocoa and see Henry."
Spirit among us, Shine like the star, Your light that guides shepherds and kings from afar, Shimmer in the sky so empty, lonely, Rising in the warmth of your Son's love, Star unknowing of night and day, Spirit we wait for your loving Son.
The baby was asleep when they arrived, and JJ's mother wished them a good night, heading into the spare bedroom that was not yet a nursery. JJ made quick work of getting a set of pink pajamas decorated with gold and silver bells for Emily to wear and throwing the wet clothes into the dryer. The cocoa followed, and they sat on the couch, sipping at the hot liquid.
"Feel any better?" JJ asked, looking at her friend with a concerned gaze.
"A bit." Emily's smile was tremulous but genuine.
JJ smiled back. "Good." Before she could say anything else, a cry filtered out from her bedroom and she glanced at the clock as she got up, returning moments later with Henry cradled in her arms, shirt pulled up as he latched tightly to one breast.
Emily watched with a curious sort of awe, and JJ looked softly between the other woman and her son. "You can touch him if you'd like."
Immediately reaching out, Emily hesitated only briefly before curling her fingers along Henry's head, his downy hair silky against her fingers. "He's so perfect," she breathed.
"He is," JJ agreed, eyes contented as she watched her son.
"I wish I knew..." Emily trailed off, sounding almost dazed. After a long silence, she continued, "What my baby would've looked like."
The meaning of the words hit JJ hard, and her heart ached for her friend. Either spoke as Henry finished feeding and fell back asleep. JJ again disappeared into her bedroom, putting Henry back in his bed and returning to the couch. She sat sideways, facing Emily.
Before JJ could speak, Emily met the soft blue gaze sadly and murmured, "I'm sorry."
"What for?" JJ asked, tilting her head.
Emily bit her lip. "I shouldn't have... I thought I didn't have a choice, but I should've found another way. I shouldn't have had..."
Emily's words trailed off, unable to say the word, but JJ laid a finger across the older woman's lips anyway. "I'm going to tell you something," she whispered, "As a mother.
"I forgive you."