Charlie's Skeletons:

Chapter One: Out of the Closet

Jmolly (glares while typing): You need your own ff account.

Anthony: No, this is geared to your readers. I am just putting out feelers to see what people think of my ideas. I can't write Dirty Charlie forever. People had issues with him. I'm trying to straighten out his 'squicky thoughts'. Gimme the laptop and I'll type some myself.

(2 Hours Later)

Jmolly: So what have you come up with?

Anthony: Seven more pages. I'm so excited. Aren't you proud of me?

Jmolly: Sure. Let's see (reads document). Anthony? See these little funny squiggly lines on the keyboard? They're called quotation marks. You put speech inside them. Lord! And you're supposed to start a new paragraph when somebody new talks. Holy crow, this is gonna take me hours.

Anthony: I am illegitimate. You know this. Now, get editing, woman.

Jmolly: You're getting as bad as Edward.

Anthony: You know you base Edward on me.

Jmolly: Don't get cocky. I also base Jacob and Charlie on you. And parts of Jasper.

Anthony (drawls while giving Wife once-over): Really?

Jmolly (rolls eyes): You men are all alike. I know what parts of each character you hope you resemble, and they have everything to do with cocks, abs and pretty faces, and nothing to do with personality.

Anthony (offended): I resemble that remark. Charlie's personality has plenty to it that I admire.

Jmolly: How? Your Charlie thinks with his dick.

Anthony: All men think with their dicks. My Charlie is just honest about it.

Jmolly: Hmm. Tell me about your story, because it departs wildly from my canon. The only things in common appear to be Ren's DOB, the Vanquish, and the fact Charlie knows they are vampires.

Anthony: Well, I am diverging from your canon. After all, you diverged from SM's canon.

Jmolly: Touché. Now, why Charlie?

Anthony: He's the only character to whom I can relate. He's a Dad and he's very protective of his family. Especially his little girl. And I've always fantasized about being the Navy Seal that protects his family and his country.

Jmolly: So you're definitely signing up for the Canadian Naval Reserve?

Anthony: Yep. And you are going to be happy to get me out of the house a couple of weeks a year. So, is my story gonna be a hit?

Jmolly: I can't honestly say. My readers' response to you is unpredictable. We're very different storytellers, and I have no idea if they'll get your tongue-in-cheek humour like I do. I'm enjoying it, though.

Anthony: Are you done editing yet?

Jmolly (blinks): Heaven sakes. Watch it, or I'm gonna start calling you 'Cullen'. Just by breaking up the paragraphs, this has gone from 12 pages to 22, and I haven't added any grammar yet. You're worse than a Newbie. In fact, any self-respecting Beta would throw this back at you and run away screaming.

Anthony: You like the back of me. You are the English expert in the family. I bow to your red pen.

Jmolly: Damn straight. Now leave me alone.




(Next evening, 6 hours of editing later)

Anthony: Aren't you done yet? I want to write the rest tonight.

Jmolly: No. Go away.

Anthony (whines): But I want to write Chapter 2 and post this one!

Jmolly: Trespassers will be eaten.

Anthony (wipes drool): Can we fuck now?

Jmolly (mutters): Where's Ed when I need him?

Disclaimer: jmolly has nothing to do with this, aside from endorsing and incorriging her husband, who is for all intents and purposes insane. What of it? He supports Twiaddicts, he's cute when he writes, and he's taking her to see 'Breaking Dawn' a second time on Saturday. What's not to love?

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.

Late fall, 2011:

Charlie's pov:

I was sitting down enjoying a weekend beer (off duty). The phone rang. I continued to sit there, not really caring. At ring #15, it finally stopped. Two minutes later, it rang twice and stopped. Two minutes later, it rang once and stopped.

"Oh, fuck," I said to myself, "it's the Code."

I walked to the phone, configured another code, and picked up the receiver one second after the first ring started. I was silent at first. The other party was silent, too. Then, I said into the receiver, "Swan, 297666."

A female voice responded, "Swan? It's Bates. We need to meet face-to-face and talk."

I replied, "Linda, it's been sixteen years since I accepted the proposal to be placed in Forks as Police Chief. After all this time, you want to meet about something?"

"Charlie, it's imperative: a matter of life and death. Why don't you come down to NAVSTA in San Diego and we'll meet on the carrier?"

I answered, "Okay, I'll listen to what you have to say, but, Linda, I'm retired from that line of work."

I called Bella and Edward to see how they were doing with my granddaughter. Bella sounded so happy. She seemed to have real strength about her now that she had her new vamp body and scores of Cullen cash. Amongst other amenities that Edward brought to the table.

"What's up, Dad?" Bella wanted to know.

"Well, Bells, I've got to go to San Diego for a few days on some, uh, police business." There was a pause.

"Dad, Alice just started drawing one of her infamous pictures. It looks like some kind of hillside town, exploding, and your face is in the background."

I could hear Edward say to Bella, "That's Volterra."

"Well, I dunno where she gets that from. I'm heading for San Diego. Talk to you when I get back."

" 'Kay. Have a good time."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure, sure." With any luck, I was going to have a very good time, but Bells didn't need to know about that.

I put on some casual clothes, packed my pistol and backup 9mm, and decided I should take the Vanquish, since Edward let me use it whenever I wanted. Although it was fancy, it would still attract less attention than the cruiser. Besides, it would make me look cool, and damn if I didn't want to look good for Linda. At the thought of her, my cock was straining for a return to active duty. It had been out of commission for far too long.

Hopefully she hadn't gained a hundred pounds since last I saw her. Desk jobs make a body soft.

After a lengthy drive, I pulled up to the ramp for the carrier and locked up the Vanquish. Dozens of sailors were drooling, hopefully over the car, not over me. An ensign greeted me at the top of the gangplank. "Commander Swan, Sir!"

"That's a name I haven't heard in a very long time. At ease, Ensign."

"Thank you, Sir. If you will accompany me, Admiral Bates is waiting for you."

I followed him into the bowels of the carrier, into Admiral Bates' briefing room. Inside, were six officers, and one admiral. She turned and smiled grimly. "Commander Swan, welcome." She gestured for me to take a seat, and I noticed that the other officers in the room belonged to different navies: two from Russia, two from the UK, and two Italians.

"Charlie, I'd like you to meet the six lieutenant commanders from overseas who will be assisting us on this mission."

I put my hands on my hips. "Now hold on, there, Linda, I have not agreed to anything. Until you give me some idea of what is going on here, you can count me out."

"I'll explain it to all of you at the same time. Please be seated, Charlie."

I sat and waited expectantly.

"All these gentlemen are Lt-Commanders in their respective navies. I give you Ivan Sarkov, and Demetri Sukovski of the Russian Navy; Harry Winthorpe and Winston Pryce of the Royal British Navy; and Sergio Berloscini and Marco Palermo of the Italian Navy."

We all nodded at each other and shook hands. I was already tired of the protocol. Next thing you know, they'd be asking for a circle jerk. Mercifully, Linda got a move on.

"Gentlemen, we are hoping to assemble, here, a multinational strike team for the deadliest mission any of you have probably ever gone on, with Commander Swan in charge. You are all highly trained Special Forces. Some of you are older than the usual candidates for a mission, but your skills are unsurpassed.

"Sergio and Marco are here to confirm that a highly lethal and murderous terrorist organization, comprising hundreds, has been butchering Westerners and other foreign vacationers in a small town in the Tuscany region of Italy. Sergio and Marco, along with the Vatican's Swiss Guard, sent in a strike team to take the terrorist cell out. Six of them entered the fortress in the town of Volterra, and were never heard from again. Wireless communications were severed, and they never got out. Three weeks later, at the aforementioneds' request, we sent in one of our best-trained Navy Seal teams, the members of whom were trained by Commander Swan."

The Admiral turned to me. "Charlie, I'm sorry to tell you that it was Tommy Penetta's team. We believe they were all slaughtered."

"The director's son?" I yelped.

Linda responded, "Yes, I know he was one of your best."

"Who the hell are these terrorists?" I demanded. "Tommy even got the drop on me sometimes. He was top-notch. Nobody with brains would mess with him."

A big sigh escaped Linda as she sat on the edge of her desk, showing off her long, sexy legs. "Well, we have evidence to suggest that the terrorists are… are…not quite… alive."

My eyebrows shot up.

Linda blushed furiously. "Vampires."

Fuck me. No, really, fuck me please.

Demetri and Ivan started to laugh and jabber in Russian. Sergio and Marco glared at them.

One of the Brits said, "Bloody hell, these Yanks are cracked." His companion nodded in agreement.

I replied in Russian in an angry tone, "Zakrylebesh' vverkh (Shut the fuck up)."

Linda rolled her eyes. "I didn't believe it either, but we have infrared thermal imaging of the attack that killed Tommy and his team."

Linda pressed a button to dim the lights, and on the screen came up satellite imaging of Northwest Italy, which zoomed down onto a fortress. We all gawped in amazement as we watched humans, etched in red, and dozens of other humanoid figures etched in blue, meaning that their body temperatures were below room temperature.

I was getting nervous, considering I knew the big Cullen Family Secret, as to where this was all going.

The men in the room watched, horrified, as the red figures onscreen were thrown about like rag dolls and then torn to bits by blue figures that seemed to flash at super speed. The blue figures developed red spots in their abdomens, and then turned purple.

Linda iterated, "We've had reports of fires and the odour of burning flesh, occurring late at night, similar to the Nazi death camps. Airborne particulate analysis of the area reveals high amounts of carbon, and human cellular particles. I am here to tell you today, gentlemen, that we have incontestable proof that thousands of vampires currently exist on the Earth. Most of them live non-violent, peaceful, and usually exemplary lives, and contribute greatly to human society. They are not the target and likely never will be, so long as they do not become like this vulture-like group, in the aptly-named town of Volterra, Italy. Their fortress-castle has masqueraded for centuries as an ancient monastery that periodically gives tours to visitors. Most of the inhabitants never come out.

"We estimate from affadavits and reports going back decades, perhaps centuries, that as many as 250, 000 humans have fallen victim to these creatures, who refer to themselves as the Volturi. Two FBI agents have been in contact during the past ten years with various friendly covens. They have confirmed that the large bloodthirsty group claims dominance over the others, which are significantly smaller, and rules through fear and acts of genocide. Some of the friendlies are desperate for help. They cannot take out the Volturi by themselves.

"The Volturi only venture out at night, in a fleet of cars that rivals most of the Middle East Sheiks'. They have a fleet of jets with highly-skilled pilots that fly nap-o-the earth and fall off our radar. They land in obscure, often abandoned, airstrips."

My reaction was adamant. "Admiral Bates, if you think I am going to take an elite team in there, you are crazy!" Especially since my son-in-law was scared to undeath of Aro Volturi. But she didn't need to know that.

Linda was unmoved. "No, Commander, we have no intention of adding you names to the death list."

Harry blurted out, "How much are we getting paid for this job when we will likely be fish meal at the end?"

Linda replied, "One million each before and 1 million each after. Dead or alive you will all come home…likely the latter…and the sum is in Euros being paid by His Eminence the Pope's Petty Cash Fund."

All of the lieutenant commanders were quiet and looked at each other and me with little nods of acceptance.

"I'm in. So, Admiral, what is the plan?" I asked.

"With great input from Sergio and Marco along with the European geological and seismology vulcanologist, we have determined that this area of Tuscany has a very active and high pressure magma river flow, only a few kilometers beneath the earth's crust, pretty much directly under the town of 10,000 inhabitants, which are 98% human. To the south, some 30 KM away is one of the world's largest geo-thermal energy plants in the town of Larderello. With the Italian prime minister's dick landing him in so much trouble, it was not hard to get him to agree to fake a catastrophe at the plant, requiring an evacuation for some 100 km around….more than covering a safe distance from Volterra. We want you, Charlie and team, to assemble on a mountain hill side some 7km here outside the town as you can see on the satellite image. There is a high surface block of solid granite that will shield you from the blast if you are stupid enough to be there when it goes off.

Ivan inquired in a deep Russian voice, "Blast, what blast from where?"

The Admiral answered, "While you will assist in targeting and verifying that nothing alive departs from the town, upon this hillside just shown to you, you will have high powered rail gun rifles with titanium tripods mounts. Each of you was selected not only for your lethal skills, but for your sniper abilities to blow the balls of a chipmunk from a mile away. These guns have high-powered targeting ultra-zoom scopes that can see 20 km with laser sights, and fire a 30 mm aluminum round at 5000 meters per second. This next point I can't emphasize enough: dawn will just be breaking behind you, so the daylight should be sufficient to take out any Vamp targets from a safe distance, but you must hit the round in the upper chest area to ensure decapitation and likely vaporization from the hit. If you miss a target, we have confirmation that in daylight the vampires sparkle like diamonds, but they move so fast that one could cross seven kilometers to be in your face in about one minute."

"Jesus Christ," Harry gasped, "that is Harrier speed."

"Yes," the Admiral confirmed, "and on that note, the seven of you -Lord willing- will be picked up by three Blackhawks with F35's and F117's running patrol overhead after the blast.

"And now, for the big blast," the Admiral said, adjusting her blouse to my delight. "On board the carrier USS Carl Vinson, exists a top secret prototype Stealth-platform called The X47B Series #3. It is an UCAV Stealth vehicle, able to climb to 90,000 meters directly over a target, attack at 90 degrees vertical flight at Mach 3. These vehicles are able to launch two, five ton aluminum shells, with more rail gun technology available, at speeds of ten thousand meters per second.

"After satellite imaging and GPS, plus your laser guidance, identify the target, the rounds will be fired from 30 kilometers directly above the Volturi Fortress, meaning Impact will occur in three seconds. We believe four shells in total, targeting the turrets of the fortress, should not only vaporize every living thing within 4 kilometers, but will likely crack the crust, allowing the methane, steam and lava pockets to release, making the destruction of Volterra look like an unfortunate geological event."

"Sounds doable," I said. "When do we get underway to the Carrier in the Mediterranean?"

The Admiral replied, " B2'S will leave from Miramar in 5 days to land on the Carrier, then you'll have 48 hours to review plans, train with the weapons, and gear up. Black hawks will drop you at rally point at 90 minutes before sunrise, and then everything goes bang. The ash cloud will obstruct targeting so you must rely on the infrared thermals to take out any possible stragglers, however unlikely it will be to have anything survive a 5000ºC vaporization."

Bates regarded the room. "Everybody in?"


"Dismissed. See you at Miramar in 5 days." She dropped her pen on the table and looked at me. "Charlie, please stay for a quick word."

The others left and presumably disembarked. The admiral invited me back to her Cabin. As soon as the door shut, she let down her hair from her cap, took off her shoes and jacket, and undid a few buttons. "Want a drink?"


"Scotch okay?"

"You bet."

Linda poured the scotch straight over some ice. "Charlie, you have not changed a bit in 15 years. Still as sexy as the day I first laid eyes on you." She handed me the drink.

"Thanks," I said.

"Remember that first time in the back of the car during the Berlin mission? That was still one of the best orgasms of my life and I miss it terribly."

"Linda I …I …"

"Sshhhhh," she whispered, "don't move or you will have to answer to Master Bates, understand Commander?

Linda planted a great open mouth kiss on me, swirling her tongue around the roof off my mouth and teeth, as she fumbled with my belt and zipper. Finally my pants were down and I was too far gone to stop her. She grabbed my dripping wet cock through my boxers and breathed heavily on them. Pulling them away she took my entire 8 inches in her mouth like a shark attack, and started sucking like she had not sucked cock in 15 years. I grabbed the back of her head with both hands a rammed my rod hard and fast until she was pulling my ass apart and thrusting even further down my shaft.

I stood her up and stripped her naked and I removed the rest of my clothes. Lifting Linda on to the bolted-to-the- floor desk, I plunged my missile into her hot volcano and nibbled on her tits as she growled and moaned, "Fuck me Commander, fuck me!" Harder and faster we went, our lips smacking, as sucking each other's chests and faces, her chasm began to drip. I could feel my cum building and said I was going to blow. With that she came: a gushing orgasmic squirt all over the desk and quickly leapt up to engulf my cock just as I shots loads to fill her hungry mouth.

Linda swirled and cleaned every drop. Wiping her mouth she said, "How about dinner?"

Just like old times. I replied, "Sure!" We talked and reminisced all night long. I crashed at a hotel as Linda had to get back to the carrier. The next day I drove home to Forks.

I called Renee.

"Hello?" Renee answered.

"Hi, it's me."

"Hi Charlie. How is Bella, and the Beau and Baby?"

I rolled my eyes. Ren looks ten years old, for fuck's sake. "Oh they are just great…she is very happy with this … eternity, and Cullen cash, eh?"

"Yes," Renee replied. "You sound distracted."

A big long pause ensues… "Bates called me up for a job," I blurted out.

"Charlie you left that life. It is what killed our marriage you can't go back. It has been a decade since you were in it. IT'S NOT WORTH IT."

"The pay is really good…"

"Charlie it's not the money, it's losing your life."

"But it means, Renee, that Bella and the Cullens would never feel endangered again from the vultures."

Renee whined in a sarcastic tone, "What do you mean?"

I replied, "They want me to take out the fortress in Italy."

Renee gasped, "Holy shit-fuck! Are you crazy? It is not worth it! Our life with Bella and the Baby? She would be so lost without you."

"Renee it pays two million Euro's." There was silence. "Renee…..Reneee are you there?"

"Barely….How dangerous is it?"

"I think it is not too bad. High-tech weapons from a great distance. Watch the news in the coming week and you'll figure it out."

Renee said, "Maybe since Phil has turned out to be a wash-out, I can get spousal support?"

"Renee!" I yelled.

She replied, "Just kidding…what will you tell Bella?"

"Nothing," I stated. "It is too risky that the whole coven and the wolves would show up and get vaporized too."


I answered, "Fuck I got to go…Tell Bells I am back down in San Diego on police work."

"No Charlie! You call her right now and tell her yourself!"

"I'll try," I said.

"Good luck and come back in one piece. We all need you…AND I STILL LOVE YOU VERY MUCH." Renee started to cry as she hung up the phone.

I poured a stiff Blue Label and pondered what I could say to Bella. I sat down and grabbed the phone.

Hi, Dad."

"Does Alice ever surprise you and not tell you who is calling?"

"Nope. What's up? How was San Diego?"

"Oh…ah… fine, but I have to go back down and won't be back for a few weeks."

"A few weeks? Well Edward and I wanted to go down there too. Maybe we could come with you?"

"No No No! I will be busy at conventions and meeting and presentations!"

Alice interrupted in a swirly sing-speech. "No he won't. He is lying."

"Dad, what is going on?"

"Nothing I just have to go on some serious business. I wanted to tell you how much I love you, and how proud I am of you and Edward, and happy for your new life. You're the best, Bells."

"Dad, where are you going and what are you really doing?"

"Ah...Bells, I can't tell you certain things…highly confidential…I'll be okay. Hopefully you mother will be okay…"

"Mom? What is wrong with Mom?"

"Oh nothing, nothing I just upset her about old times….and ah…ah…Bells I got to go. I got lots to do."

"Alriiiggght, Dad. We love you too. Call us when you're back."

"Will do," I said in a tense and emotional scratchy whisper. "Bye, dear." I hung up.

Bella's pov:

Alice came running over. "I See he is involved in something really big and it's not here, but in Europe."

"I'm calling Mom right now." I dialed my mother's number. "Hi Mom, it's Bella."

"Hi Bella," Renee answered in a stuffed-up voice.

"Do you have a cold or are you sick?"

"No dear…"

"So what is going on with Dad?"

"Oh Dear, I can't … says….it's…it's… it's…"

"What Mom?"

Great silence stretched as Reneee gasped and sighed heavily. "Oh Fuck it" she said at last. "You deserve to know."

"Know WHAT Mom?"

"Bella, your Father was not always a cop."

"What do you mean?"

"It was the main cause of me leaving…it was not the boredom I claimed, but rather the constant fear of him not coming home."

I bit my lip. "You mean from his police work?"

There was another long silence. "No dear your father used to be … well I guess still is … a Navy Seal Commander."


Renee answered, "For decades you Father was a US Navy Seal Commander, who actually trained most of the elite corp in service this day. Then, he did a few years at the NSA and CIA-"

"Why did you not tell me?"

"Well dear, word travels and your father might still have enemies."

"Was he really that good, like the team that got Bin Laden…?"

"Oh no, dear, they leave that sort of work to the underlings. Your father makes James Bond look like Johnny English and Cluseau all rolled into one. YOUR Father is the best of the elite."

I sat down. "Holy Fuck." Edward eyed me with concern. "So where is he going?" I demanded.

Just then Alice ran in screaming again. "He's taking out the Volturi!"

I hyperventilated into the phone. "Mom…."

Renee replied, "Alice is right!"

I muttered, "I can't believe I never picked up on anything."

Renee replied, "Before you even told us about you new life, your Father used to call and tell me how he could hear Edward fly up the trellis. And Jacob too. He could not believe how strong they were. He always said they would make great Seals."

"I always wondered how much he heard."

Renee answered, "Being a trained Seal, he knew it all."

I laughed and cried at the same time. "Well, there is nothing in the house about him being in the navy. Or any of this."

"Go down to the cellar."

I rolled my eyes. "Mom…there is no cellar."

Renee answered , "In the basement closet, there is a false wall. Behind it you will find your father's past."

"Okay, Mom, Alice will try to figure out the details of the plan. Edward and I are heading to the house right now."

Renee protested, "No dear, wait!"

I hung up.

Edward and I arrived at the house in under 15 minutes. Charlie was gone. We rushed down to the basement and Edward took out the back of the closet. Sure enough, behind it was a 2" steel plate electro-combo-locked door. It took our combined vamp strength to break it open. A dim light shone through, so that a human might see enough to hit the main breaker. Edward flipped it.

We were dead silent, and then Edward said, "Oh my Victorian holy ...your Dad has issues." Military weapons of all sorts covered the walls, including explosives and more guns than could be found on Air Force One. A bunch of war pictures, from before the time I was born, electronics, and computers cluttered up the space.

Edward looked blown away: on the very back wall, there were more medals, crosses and stars than he had Grad Caps.

I said, "My dad is James Fucking Bond!" It was a scary thought.

Edward and I watched each other go pale white.