Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.
J (Open-mouthed): You're posting. You promised me a chapter 13 months ago, you realize this?
A: I have to admit it's because two new readers added this story to their favourites last week.
J (Side eyes): You're probably gonna be in trouble after this one.
A (blinks innocently): Why?
J: My readers are about to discover that there isn't a boundary you won't push against.
A: I'm the baby of the family. I like attention.
J: My fifth child. You like to shock people. I really worry about you sometimes.
A (Ignores J's comment): Plus, I have a warped sense of humour and a desire for revenge.
J: Revenge upon whom? Me?
A: Edward and Jacob, silly. Admirers world-wide fawn on them. We normal men have to get back at them somehow.
J (Bristles): You went to a Con with me dressed as Carlisle, and did karaoke and the costume contest. You even dyed your hair blond. YOU are a closet Twiguy who uses me as an excuse to role play.
A (Shrugs): Breaking Dawn 2 was awesome. The fight scene rocked.
J: This is why we're still married.
A: 20 years this August.
J (Mutters): And he remembers! Brownie points for you.
A: Do these brownie points involve sex?
J: What do you think?
A: I am made of win.
Chapter 3: Blue Moon
I was starting to get restless in the casket. The bumps in the road were not very pleasant. I longed for the ability to sleep; I wasn't used to holding still for so long. The entire trip to Canada, I could smell wet dog in Bella's truck, which was in front of my hearse. I felt the light at the end of the tunnel as we turned into what I assumed must be the cargo export section of the Vancouver Airport.
We stopped and it was very quiet for a while. Then, we slowly moved forward, stopped again and I could hear male humans approach Bella's truck and speak to Jasper. I picked up questions –mental and voiced- pertaining as to why a circus wolf was special enough to go to Italy. I spoke to Jazz at vampire pitch. "Dazzle them."
Jasper told the guard, "The wolf's a contortionist. He can twist himself into a pretzel to the point where he can put his nose all the way up his rear end." The guard laughed so hard that he spit coffee all over Bella's truck. His supervisor came storming out of the guard hut in a temper.
"Earl! What the hell? Look what you did to this person's classic truck."
"Oh, it's all right," Jazz drawled. "All in good fun. I just need to get this kinky pooch on board the plane in time."
Jacob made a Scooby Doo-like "Huh?" and then growled low.
Earl said, "I'm sorry to delay you. All your paperwork seems to be in order. Follow the blue line to your boarding area for inspection."
"Thank you, Earl," Jasper said, pulling away.
My hearse, driven by Emmett, was next in line to be inspected. Emmett was cranking tunes, not paying attention to my conversation with Jasper. He suddenly realized that the guards had been waiting for more than a minute for him to pull forward.
Earl said, "Come on pretty boy, pull up here before the dead start to walk the earth. Through Em's eyes, I could see him wave Em forward. Em floored the gas at an incredible speed and locked up the brakes. He came to a dead stop about an inch from the steel gate, sending my coffin lurching forward into the bed block and crashing my head into the end of the casket.
"Fucking moron!" I yelled, upon which Earl walked up to Em's window.
"Pardon me?" the guard demanded angrily of Emmett, who blinked.
"Oh, I'm not talking about you. I'm mad at my mechanic. She's always got the breaks so tight on this; it's like a teen virgin on her wedding night." Just like Baby Bee, right, Eddie? He thought.
"I'm gonna tell Rosalie you complained about the truck," I told him at vamp pitch.
Add it to my list of sins. Put it on page 497 of your rat book, Em thought.
"Done!" I told him.
Earl looked over the documents Jasper forged and started to laugh over the name serving as my alias. "Edouardo Fellatiano?"
At vampire pitch, I told Em, "Jasper is so dead."
"Yeah," Em answered Earl. "That name really sucks." He laughed his dirtiest laugh.
Earl ignored him for being crass. "Okay, so the body is being sent to the deceased's home town in Italy for burial, but he's only seventeen?" He flipped through pages. "And he died from blood loss related to haemophilia? Poor bastard. So young, eh?"
"Yeah," Em said with a mendacious sombreness and repeated his joke. "it really sucks."
"Hah. Hah," I muttered. "Fell flat again, douchebag."
"All your paperwork's in order. You can go," Earl said.
Em looked at my casket in the rear view mirror. "Don't be pissed at me for Jasper's jokes."
"I'll deal with him later," I promised. "But you don't need to add any teasing to this situation."
Within five minutes, we caught up to Bella's truck. Jacob seemed to be enjoying the breeze as the fresh Canadian air fluffed his fur. Every once in a while he'd lift his leg and let it caress his gonads.
Jasper thought at me, I can't believe this fucking dog.
I told him, "Putting up with Jacob is the least of your worries. Edouardo Fellatiano? I'm gonna kill you, asshat."
Soon we approached the export cargo hanger for air freight at Vancouver Airport. Both Jasper and Em presented their respective documents and Jacob and I were conveyed to the unloading station. Jasper single-handedly lifted Jacob's kennel onto the inspection table and the very fey Canadian Border Service Agent flounced over and gave him the once-over.
"My, oh my, you've been working out, haven't you?" he asked, batting his lashes.
Jasper, sensing that he best go along in order to expedite the transfer of Jacob onto the plane, smiled big and said back to the CBS agent, "Ooh, I'm glad you noticed."
"I just have to do a quick exam to make sure your puppy's not ill or diseased. I'll just check for fever before we let him on the plane." Earl snapped on a pair of gloves and produced an anal thermometer the size of a billy stick. Jacob's ass puckered and he growled.
"Oh," the agent said, wincing. "Maybe…"
"I'd say he's fine," Jasper suggested.
"What a shame, I wasted a perfectly good glove," the CBS sighed.
"I'll be back later, babe," Jasper winked.
"My name's Eugene," the guard simpered.
Jasper nodded and palmed the guy's phone number as two guys picked up Jacob's crate and put it onto a forklift, which sat awaiting more cargo to be loaded onto the plane. Eugene motioned Em forward and Em put pedal to the metal. Stopping abruptly, he again made the coffin slide forward and again, I hit my head. How did I get into this? Oh, yeah. It's all over a girl named Bella. FML.
Emmett parked and exited the hearse. Flamboyant Eugene minced over with an infatuated sigh. Oh, two hotties in a row? I wonder if this one will want my phone number, too. "Hi, handsome. Where are your dicks? I mean docs."
"Right here," Em said with a repressive look.
"Edouardo Fellatiano," Eugene hummed as he read over the export papers. "Mmm? I wonder if he was in porn." He looked up at Emmett. "Okay, I need to inspect the body. Can you whip it out? I mean, remove the casket and unlock it please?"
Silently, Em shifted my casket onto the trolley, wheeled me over and unlocked it. I knew everything would fall apart if Eugene got any idea I wasn't thoroughly dead. The lid opened and bright light assailed me through my eyelids. "Oh, what a shame," he murmured. "So beautiful, so young." He frowned and bent over me. "He's not in a black bag. That's contrary to the rules. And is he dressed?"
Em pouted. "Well, if you read the documents, he just died this morning and the family requested that he be returned to Italy without being embalmed. So, he's been on ice."
Eugene said, "Yes, he does look rather like pewter steel. I wonder why he's sort of shiny."
Emmett cleared his throat.
"Okay, you may go stand behind the hearse or look away while I inspect the body."
"Uh, say what?" Emmett blinked.
"I have to check the body for contraband. And then, before it goes on the plane, it has to be bagged."
Oh, hell to the no.
"But the family is Jewish and they don't want his body tampered with," Emmett argued.
"Well, I have to inspect the mouth, abdomen and rectum."
Jacob started making odd grunting and hissing noises. Jasper told him, "Shut the fuck up, it isn't funny."
Jacob let out a huge howl. Bastard.
Oh fuck, fuck fuck! Eugene was going to get use out of his rubber glove after all. I could See (through Em's eyes) him bring over a huge tub of white industrial grease. I clenched my teeth as he slowly unzipped my pants and pulled them down.
"Can you not just X-Ray the body?" Emmett begged.
Eugene shook his head. "I prefer to be thorough."
"He, uh, the family, won't be happy about this."
Jasper thought, Ed's goin' to put a sequoia up this fucker's ass when we're done this gig.
My list of planned victims was growing. Jacob was still laughing and dancing on his paws.
My sphincters closed like Venus fly traps.
I was now half-naked and the object of Eugene's admiration. Emmett sighed and pinched his eyes shut. Eugene rolled me over slightly and tried to pull apart my ass cheeks. Without success. If he thought I was going to let him fist my ass in front of my brothers and Jacob, he had another thing coming.
Eugene frowned. "Would you please come over here? I need a little assistance."
Emmett knew I was waiting for him to kill the pervert. "What's with the guards over there with the machine guns?" Watching some heavily armed guards approach, he decided he couldn't kill and dispose of Eugene.
"Oh, they're inspecting a truck load of baby formula to make sure it's not heroin."
"Please get a move on or he won't be going home on this plane."
"Oh." Forgive me, Edward.
No, no, no.
Emmett came over and lifted my top leg in the air. I added him to my hit list. Eugene was not going to let us go without touching me. He gave his glove a snap and poked his greasy fingers –as hard as he could- up my ass. To the elbow. I didn't so much as flinch, but Jacob was laughing his dog ass off. I wondered how severely I could injure him -and wait for him to heal, and injure him again- without killing him.
"What is with that wolf? It's almost like he's laughing," Eugene wondered aloud, poking around in my innards.
I thought, "This pervert does this to every stiff that comes through here. Well, I'll show him stiff. I clamped down my sphincter around his arm as hard as I could and he started screaming in agony. Happily, he was no longer enjoying his job. Unhappily, half the facility came running.
"We are so fucked," Jasper moaned.
Jacob thought, No, more like Edward's so fucked.
Emmett released my leg but I kept it suspended. Four more CBS agents ran over to Eugene to find out what was the matter.
"I don't know, but I think my arm's about to break! I can't pull out and the pain is incredible!"
"It serves you right!" one of the guards snapped. "You're the only guy who still inspects corpses this way. You should have just sent him to X-Ray."
Oh, FML. The four agents came over, grabbed Eugene and pulled on his entire body as hard as they could.
"Stop! My arm's going to break right off!" He screamed in agony.
"Go get the jaws of life!" one yelled. I released Eugene with a noisy pop and they all fell down like a bunch of bowling pins, at least ten feet away. First time I farted since my undeath.
"Wait 'til we tell the gals and Carlisle about this," Jasper said gleefully.
This will be The Story the pack will tell for the next millennium, Jacob thought, laughing himself stupid.
Three of the guards carried a battered, broken-armed Eugene off to the infirmary while the supervisor apologized repeatedly to Emmett. "Please, this was unnecessary and the guard will be dismissed. Don't tell the deceased's family."
"There are no secrets in The Family," Emmett growled. "Can you get this processed?"
The supervisor read the papers and realized that my body was destined for Volterra. "Oh, fuck. He's from that crime family, right? Go! Get out, please! Get him the fuck out of Canada!" Only a Canadian would say 'please' under these circumstances, yeah? He pushed down on the leg that I still had suspended in air and I allowed him to flatten me out, stuff in my clothes and slam the lid shut on my coffin.
My box was added to the forklift, which caromed across the tarmac and deposited us in the cargo hold of the plane. Jasper got into Bella's truck and drove away. Em got into the hearse, wished me mentally well and followed Jasper. Once out of the terminal, they both pulled into the nearest gas station.
"I guess there's no chance of us going into Witness Protection," Jasper said to Em.
"We're fucked," Emmett agreed. His cell rang.
"What is going on?" Carlisle demanded. "Alice keeps saying, 'I'm so sorry, Bella,' and Bella is sobbing."
Suddenly, Bella took over. "Jasper! Tell me what has happened to Edward, right now!"
"Uh," Jasper said evasively, "Both of 'em are fine, now."
"What happened before they got on the plane, Jasper?" Bella growled.
"We got a pervert of a border guard who insisted on doing a body cavity search."
"Um, Edward mightn't be so tight-assed from now on…"
Jacob's crate and my coffin were strapped down in the hold and the loading personnel departed. The engines started, we felt the plane's wheels bump along and then, we were airborne. As the plane climbed, Jacob's claws scuffed against the metal tray of his cage. About twenty minutes later, the plane levelled out and I suspected we were out of Canadian airspace and en route to Italy via the Pacific.
My casket was secured only by the handles and Emmett had left it unlocked. Stealthily, I opened the lid, climbed out, stretched my limbs, blew out some grease from my ass (which splattered on the wall) and got dressed. The pilots were too busy singing along to Lionel Richie's Hello to notice anything amiss. Silently, I tiptoed around a pile of boxes and located Jacob's cage.
Jacob, still in wolf form, seemed to be grooming his privates. He was startled as I hissed, "What the fuck are you doing?" at which point he phased back to human, his dick in his mouth. I threw up in my mouth a little. "You are not marrying my daughter."
Jacob released his dick with a pop and it waved its eye at me. I grabbed my hair and tried to squeeze the image out of my brain.
"Fuck my life. I know way too much about you to let you live," I told him.
"Dude? You are waaay too uptight. At LaPush-"
I held out my palm. "Stop talking. Now."
Jacob ignored me. "Can you let me out of the cage, Grandpa?"
I really, really didn't want to.