Title: All You Ever Wanted (And All that Came Before)
Summary: Sasuke and Sakura have an awkward first date, wherein Sakura realizes that Sasuke kisses like a fish when he's plastered, that his karaoke sounds like earrings going down the garbage disposal, and that he says the weirdest things when he's drunk. Could this date get any more awkward?
Author: Lady Avaritia
Karaoke bar "Tone Deaf" in the ninja district of Konoha was one of the mostly widely frequented places in the entire village, placing right after "Hopeless". The bar was nearly as old as the village itself.
Among some of its most famous visitors were the First Hokage and Uchiha Madara who had gotten sloshed on brown sugar rum and sung the Wind Country national anthem in a Water Country dialect. In the place's legendary history was also Jiraiya and Tsunade's violent break up, Tsunade and Orochimaru's getting together, Tsunade and Orochimaru's break up, Jiraiya and Orochimaru's getting together, Minato's first night as a Hokage, Itachi Uchiha's acceptance into ANBU party and Kakashi Hatake and Anko Mitarashi's first and last date ever.
Now "Tone Deaf" was about to bear witness to yet another historical for Konoha event, and add some to its "Famous visitors" lists.
In particular, ex-nuke nin Uchiha Sasuke, apprentice to the sexiest of the sannin, avenger, last of his clan and heir to the (vast, nearly endless) monetary fortunes of the Uchiha. A man dark eyed, dark haired, dark hearted and dark minded, and his date for the night, med-nin extraordinaire, apprentice to the great Tsunade, temperamental Haruno Sakura. Rumor had it she was frightening, and that during the Chuunin exam when Orochimaru had faced her, he had looked into her eyes and frozen still, unable to move paralyzed with fear. In fact, it had been the other way around, but the snake-sannin was not alive to say so, so Sakura relished in the glory of being known as the second most frightening kunoichi of Konoha of all time after Tsunade.
The couple had chosen "Tone Deaf" as a location for their first date after having the place recommended by Karin and Suigetsu. Apparently after a "magical" night there, the two had gotten past their irrevocable differences and hooked up.
Of course, Sasuke would have generally ignored any sort of dating opinion from the two but after having the recommendation seconded by Naruto and nearly forced to ask Sakura out by Ino, he had given up.
Sakura, on the other hand, had raised a slender eyebrow and looked at him like was the dirt beneath her shoes. Sasuke shuddered, thinking how she vaguely reminded him of his sannin sensei with that look. Then she had pressed her lips tightly together, twisted her mouth in half a scowl and said "Fine, but you have to really impress me, Uchiha." That did nothing to diminish her Orochimaru expression. In fact, it even furthered it, and Sasuke felt vaguely disturbed.
'So, Sakura-san,' he said awkwardly, 'Where would you like to sit? Closer to the stage or in the back?'
'Uh… I'd rather sit closer to the stage… if you don't mind, Sasuke.' It almost physically hurt not to say –kun.
This is Red Storm to Water God, I have the target in within sight. Over.
Water God to Red Storm, Boo-yeah! Over.
Snake Princess to Red Storm. I will head now. Cover me. Over.
Red Storm to Snake Princess. Gotcha. Over.
A buxom waitress headed for their table, which was right in front of the stage.
'Hello, my name is Akiko, and I'm your waitress for tonight. Would you like some drinks?' she asked cheerfully, giving Sasuke a very obvious leer.
'Ahem,' the Uchiha coughed awkwardly, pointedly looking straight ahead at Sakura.
'I would like a scotch on the rocks, and the lady would have a…'
'Cherry martini,' Sakura supplied helpfully.
'Sure thing! You can get some nice cherries here,' she left with a saucy wink, deliberately adding a sway to her hips as she walked.
'Man what a slut!' Sakura said, indignant.
'She did look kinda familiar though… Do you think we've met her before? Maybe in another bar?'
Porn Connoisseur to Snake Princess. Good job! Over.
Red Storm to Vanilla Shadow. Part one, successfully accomplished. Infiltration – succeeded. Over
Vanilla Shadow to everyone. Keep it going guys! We're totally gonna make this work…So troublesome… Over.
The slutty waitress returned with their orders. While she put the drinks on the table, she leaned over Sasuke's lap, shoving her best qualities in his chest, and (deliberately) spilled the scotch all over his crotch.
'Mowwww! I made such a mess!' she pouted. 'Now, now, just let me clean that up!' she pulled a white cloth out of nowhere and starting drying Sasuke's crotch, while still pressing her… ahem…gifts into his toned chest.
The look on the Uchiha's face was one of pure agony, as he had to undergo the torture of being molested by a fan girl who was probably older than Itachi.
Meanwhile Sakura's sea stained eyes were narrowed to slits, and she looked ready to shoot lasers out of them. Her full pink lips were pulled into a sadistic grin.
'Thank you very much, Akiko-san, for taking such good care of my boyfriend,' she said in a sugar coated voice thick with venom, the words dripping off her tongue slowly, suffocatingly, crawling up the spine of the offender like the worms in the cold stone grave she was digging for herself.
'Ah, ah, no need to thank me,' I'm just doing my job you know,' the waitress replied, the cheer in her voice barely masking the murderous intent that was rolling off her in drowning waves.
The two women glared at each other. One was still in Sasuke's lap, while the other was rubbing a dangerous high heeled show up and down his long leg.
Oh, Kami, Sasuke thought desperately, No wonder Orochimaru preferred men!'
Behind Sakura's back a green slug projectile had appeared like a malicious aura, while Akiko was surrounded by a purple serpent. Small lightnings were coming out of their eyes.
Sasuke shifted uncomfortably under Akiko's weight.
'Akiko-chan. I think I'm all dry here,' he said dryly.
'Oh, sure!' she said but didn't move. Instead her palm traveled down his tight and to his knee. Sakura seized the moment, and kicked the offending hand, smashing the sharp toe of the shoe into Akiko's palm. The waitress yelped, and jumped away.
Sakura's smile was beginning to creep Sasuke out, as she looked at Akiko with feigned concern.
'Did something happen to you because you were getting your dirty hands all over my man's hot emo ass, or is it just me?' she asked sweetly, and tilted her head to the side, bird-like.
'I'll be back with that scotch in a sec,' Akiko said tightly and high-tailed it out of there.
Sakura muttered something along the lines of 'May Jashin curse your wretched heathen soul, and may he forever damn you into the darkest pits of Hell.' But it was probably his imagination running wild.
'So, Sakura-san… What is your favorite type of alcohol?'
this is Snake Princess to Red Storm and Water God. I tapped their table. I think my arm is broken. Over.
Vanilla Shadow here. Good job, Snake Princess! Cha! Go get your arm fixed. I'll cover this one. … Oh, Kami help us, you are all too troublesome.
Snake Princess to All. I'm heading for the hospital. Tune me in on the fun tomorrow. Over and Out.
Red Storm to Vanilla Shadow. Go ahead Vanilla, it's your turn to play waitress.
Vanilla Shadow to Red Storm. Hai! Over and Out.
Shadow to Red Storm. You are so t-
Red Storm to Shadow. Say troublesome again, and I'll castrate you with a dull cheese grater, make testicle fondue and have Tayuya over for a wine tasting party with your severed genitals as the main course. And I CAN and WILL make it look like an accident. Over.
Shadow to Red Storm. This is all too tr –gulp - … tremendously unpleasant and bothersome. I'm going home. Over and Out.
Red Storm to Water God. Looks like it's just you, me and Vanilla. Wanna have some walkie-talkie sex? Over.
Water God to Red Storm. I love it when you talk dirty to me babe. Yeah… Over.
Vanilla to Red Storm and Water God. You're a couple of inappropriate mean-faced jerks. I can hear you, you know! Red Storm, if you touch my man, I'll posses you, and make you dance the Macarena while dressed like a chicken, I CAN and WILL make it look like you just got pissed drunk. You'll be OVER!
Water God to Red Storm and Vanilla Shadow. Shut up, and bring them their drinks already! We have to get them drunk enough to admit their feelings. Over.
Porn Connoisseur to Bunch of Teenagers. Shut up. Sasuke's attempting small talk. It's hilarious. You guys can have walkie-talkie sex. I don't mind.
Red Storm to Porn Connoisseur. Ewww! Even Orochimaru wasn't that inappropriate. You are disturbed!
'So, you like white wine better than red?' Sasuke asked. Apparently getting Sakura to talk about alcohol was a smart move. She was completely in her element there.
'Well, yeah, er, I mean red wine is just too… heavy most of the time, and it reminds me too much of blood. So thick and… well, red. White wine on the other hand is so much more refined. It tastes vaguely like murder - it has a sharp edge, a bitter tip, but the sweetness of it is entirely overwhelming, and when you've had it too much, you feel dizzy. And you always vomit your guts out in the end… What about you, Sasuke-kun?'
About two hours and twenty one shots equally divided between the –cough awkward cough- couple:
'Sakura-chaaan, you're like…. Soooo pretty!' a completely sloshed Sasuke said.
'Your hair is so…pink, and, like…pretty!'
Apparently, Sasuke was just as socially inadequate as he appeared to be. And he seemed to have no alcohol tolerance. Sakura rubbed her forehead. In her mind she had imagined a perfect date. Now her dreams of getting seduced slowly, pleasantly and sexily by a handsome dark man were sinking slowly with the ship of drunken sorrowfulness. Except, she was on her tenth shot, and was only feeling slightly dizzy.
This was all wrong! Sasuke was supposed to be completely charming, and to rob her off her breath with one look, and one smile was supposed to set her on fire. Clearly, she had the wrong man.
When Tsunade once, in a drunken daze, had told her about her first date with Orochimaru in "Tone Deaf" Sakura had become convinced that whoever the snake-sannin might have become in his later life, he was the perfect boyfriend. Clearly, he hadn't passed on his lady-winning ways to his apprentice. Maybe she'd have had better luck with Kabuto, who at least seemed to know what to do when he talked to people. Except you know, he was a missing nin, and a traitor. Oh, Kami. When love goes all Big Bad on you, what's a girl to do?
Clearly, dating the resident emo avenger, was NOT the right answer.
'Sakura-chaaaan… Why, why – why are you glaring at me like that? Did I do something baaad?' Sasuke half wined, half stuttered through hiccups.
'You kinda remind of Orochimaru when you look like that.'
'I remind you of WHOM NOW?' she asked disbelievingly, her eyes widening impossibly. Her hand twitched with the desire to punch her date in the face, and deform his perfect Uchiha profile.
'It's actually… kinda hot…' he added stuttering.
-SLAM- BANG-CRASH-SLAP-OH, KAMI, WHY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US!-
Those were the sounds of – Sakura punching Sasuke, Sasuke's head hitting the table, the table breaking from the impact, Red Storm, Water God, Vanilla and Porn Connoisseur simultaneously face palming, and the majority of the Uchiha clan cursing their last living member for being so socially retarded from the afterlife.
When Sasuke regained conscience a few minutes later, they were already moved to a new table.
'I see… stars. They're so pretty' he hiccupped. 'And I… see – I see-see… and angel! You're like… an angel!' he said leaning close to Sakura.
'Er… thanks… Sasuke…'
First he compares me to Orochimaru, then he says I'm an angel, so by Sasuke's logic, does Orochimaru look like an angel? Sakura mused. Well, I guess he does have the androgyny of one, if we trust Renaissance painters… and his face is proportional too… I guess he could pass for a fallen angel… Wait, does that mean Sasuke thinks I'm a fallen angel… MIND. BLOWN.
Lost in her thoughts, she had unconsciously leaned towards Sasuke, who had wobbled towards her.
Sakura opened her eyes in time to feel her lips crashing with Sasuke's perfectly shaped mouth. There was an awkward moment of stillness, and then he began kissing her. It felt vaguely like she was making out with a dead fish… all kinda slimy and cold, and unmoving. She could just bet her ass that Orochimaru was a great kisser. Damn it! All the good ones were either dead or missing nin, or, as it were, shitfaced drunk, and therefore incapable of defending their sex –god reputation.
Sasuke broke the face-sucking (no way in hell was she calling that a kiss) and looked deep into her eyes… except he was obviously trying to stare at her boobs, but somehow ended up looking at the column beside her head.
'I will sing a song to proclaim my undying love for you!' he declared dramatically.
Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose and waved the blonde waitress for a new drink. The chick seemed slightly familiar for some reason. At least that one hadn't tried to dry-hump her man. Humph!
Sasuke had managed to take the microphone and was getting ready to sing.
The music came on and he opened his mouth.
'When I walk in the spot, this is what I see
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it
I'm sexy and I know it'
Sakura would've laughed at the choice of song. As it was, she was pressing her hands to her ears, because the sound that was coming out of Sasuke's mouth could not possible belong to him. it sounded vaguely like earrings being thrown down a trash disposal, with a stepped on cat moaning in the background, and Academy amateur choir practice, all wrapped up with a wicked sound jutsu.
'Is that the song you choose to proclaim your undying love for me?' she shrieked.
When Sasuke later told the tale to Suigetsu and Naruto, he skipped the part where, for a brief second, he saw his death's bony hands reflected in the green depths of Sakura's eyes, and skip straight to where he high-tailed it out of there at top speed with a furious kunoichi wielding a purse after him.
The following day in Hopeless a group of dangerous dark-minded conspirators were huddles together. Anko was nursing a broken arm, and had made everyone sign her cast, Ino and Karin were sobbing in each other's arms something incomprehensible about a 'shining match-making career' and 'all WRONG!'. Suigetsu was getting drunk, and Shikamaru was having a quick nap.
'Man, it was watching Kimimaro court Tayuya,' Karin said exasperated.
'No kidding,' Suigetsu muttered.
'Seriously, though, what was with you Anko? You were all over Sasuke and his…cherries…' Ino asked curiously. 'Do you like Sasuke-kun?'
'Even if she did like him, after last night…'
'No, ewww! I used to date Itachi! That's like so gross! I remember the time he was a bawling kid. Ewwww!' Anko cried out indignantly.
'You just said that cause you don't want to look bad,' Ino said crossly and glared.
'Okay, okay,' Anko raised both hands in the air, 'I think he has a relatively hot ass, and I may or may not have been hoping that he would, like any other sane teenager, prefer the girl with the greater… qualities'
'Yo!' in a puff of smoke Kakashi appeared on the table, an Icha Icha volume clutched in his hand, and a smile crinkling his one visible eye into a crescent.
'What are you so happy about?' Karin snapped, 'Last night's operation was a failure!'
'Au contraire, mon amie! It couldn't have gone better… Because I know what happened when Sakura finally caught Sasuke at the old Training Grounds 7.'
'What now?' Anko asked incredulously.
'It was like Icha Icha, only live,' the perverted jounin said with a wicked gleam in his eyes. 'Hey Karin, do you know if Sasuke is into yoga?'
'No! NO! TOO MUCH INFORMATION! YOU OVERSHARED! NO!'
'… and then Sakura tied him up with that ninja wire to that wooden pole, and she tore his clothes off, and then…'
'WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!'