Warning: This is a collection of random SasuTen one shots so the rating of each chapter may not necessarily be "M" some chapters are k+ and T. This one however is RATED M for sexual content and crude humour. Consider yourselves thoroughly warned. If it's not your cup of tea, feel free to skip to the next chapter. It borders on being K+ and T.


Chapter One

Parenting Dilemma

...

The child stirred spasmodically in her sleep. When she opened her little onyx eyes, it was not that nice floating up into a world of toast and bacon, of her kaa-san bustling in to open the curtains, and the early morning news on the radio downstairs.

It was dark and cold.

She knew what woke her up. Kaa-san and tou-san had the television on too loud, and one of those shows that they wouldn't allow her to watch—all screaming and furniture crashing—was on.

With a resigned sigh, and a sleepy yawn she got out of her bed and put on her slippers, as tou-san always told her to do because the floors were cold.

Rubbing her eyes with the back of her tiny palms, she felt around under the blanket for the stuffed bear that kaa-san had bought her for times when she felt lonely or scared at nights. Brushing her long dark hair out of her face, she folded her arms around him and felt her way through the darkness into the hallway.

OoOoOoOo

"Sasuke," Tenten murmured as his lips came down on hers, warm, searching and greedy. "You're going to wake Tsuki."

He chuckled but ignored her plea and moved his lips like silk across hers, creating delicious erotic sensations on the sensitive surfaces. Then he deepened the kiss, sweeping the honeyed sweetness from her mouth with a thrust that shook her to her toes.

"Tomorrow is her first day of the academy. I want her to get enough rest," she whispered breathlessly but even as she complained her hands were reaching up—tangling in his thick dark hair, her high rounded breast under her t-shirt lifting and pressing against the broadness of his chest.

"We've never woken her up before," he gave her a tiny biting kiss, then another, as though he couldn't bring himself to release her mouth. Then his lips brushed against her throat, venturing lower by the seconds until they stopped on the thin cotton stretched taut against the arose peak of her nipples.

The sensitive, seductive mouth excited them further, sweetly torturing her until the ache of her breast, the burning between her thighs made her arch against him. She tossed her head back against the pillows, revelling in his ragged breathing, the hardness at his groin.

"What are you doing?" she giggled when he started to lift her shirt. "I said we shouldn't."

She felt the smooth of his big hands on the back of her bare back; they moved slowly, hypnotically up and down over skin and muscles, drugging her with a sense of bewitchment.

"How convenient; you don't sleep in a bra," he chuckled, his voice a low velvety purr. "Is this one of my shirts?" he asked huskily.

She nodded and he took her mouth again in another deep, passionate kiss as he rubbed his thumb over her swollen bust. "May I have it back?" he asked, pulling it over her head.

Tenten quivered with pleasure and arched forward against him. "I will blame you if I catch a cold," she teased.

He slipped his finger beneath the waistband of her shorts—they turned out to be a pair of his underpants. "So you're stealing my clothes now?"

She arched her chest again in an inviting gesture. Hot and grating need rippled through him again. His mouth left her lips to plant kisses on her trembling nipples. Then with his tongue he created a river of life in the valley between her creamy satiny breasts.

"I'd like my boxers back as well," he whispered seductively, sweeping her breast with his big hands, and then running them down the length of her supine body.

She laughed at his silly demand, "Well, you'll have to take it off me, if you want it back."

Lifting his head, he drowned in the chocolate pools of her eyes and whispered seductively, "Don't think I won't." He buried his face in her neck, kissing it, leaving tiny wet mouth prints everywhere. Then he rolled over on top of her and shot her a wicked grin.

"You're heavy!" Tenten protested shakily.

He covered her lips with his finger and chuckled, "You're going to wake Tsuki." She couldn't recall how he eased her out of the boxers but he did. The black underwear would have followed except that, looking down at her wickedly lovely length of her legs, he couldn't resist.

He slid down the length of her body and started to kiss the satiny skin of her thighs, running his lips slowly upwards, laying a flaming trail of desire so intense that Tenten didn't think she could wait if he kept it up. He was already hardening with desire, and she felt an answering surge of passion through her loins.

"This is a bad idea," she felt her underwear slowly slipping away from her hips, down the long length of her slender legs. "It's too late to be doing this."

"Nonsense, it's the perfect time; when everyone's asleep." He crawled back over her; his mouth covered the rosy tip of her breast. He played with that nub, rolling his tongue, pulling at it till Tenten felt an echoing, more feverish tug between her thighs.

She whimpered and ran her hands down the smooth tight skin of his flat abdomen and reached behind to the firm curves of his buttocks. "You know she's a light-sleeper," she bit on his lower lip.

He covered her with kisses, his hands moving intimately over her body. It circled teasingly, and then cupped the warm, moist spot where her thighs came together.

An exploring finger slipped into the intricate folds of moistness. In the throbbing softness, one spot suddenly flared into agonizing, delicious incandescence, spreading its fire to every cell in her body.

"Sasuke!" she gasped and arched up against him, whispering for him to stop, to come to her, to love her now.

"I'm not the one who's going to wake the damn child," he grumbled. There was a lazy, languid sensuality about the way his mouth twisted against hers. The tip of his tongue slowly caressed the generous curves of her mouth. "Be a good wife and be quiet."

He drew the sheet over their bodies and slipped out of his boxers while she laid back, eyes wide opened—hypnotized. She was weak to him. His hip moved against hers and a shiver of anticipation went through her like an electric current.

"You're mine," he whispered in her ear. Somehow she never got tired of hearing that. She trembled with the aching thrill along her nerves. Her eyes drooped and she felt herself slowly leaving the planet. She was too weak with desire, she couldn't fight the need.

"And you're stubborn," she panted. "Hurry up and just do it already."

He was almost out of control, his fully aroused flesh a torment. But he couldn't give up the satin of her skin, the sweetness of her mouth, and everything that was his to stroke, suckle and kiss. She was his—to hold, to cherish and to love.

"This is the only time I'll permit this kind of bossiness," he spread her thighs with his knees and filled her deeply. He groaned when her body closed around him and that familiar warmth rushed throughout his being.

"Oh dear!"

Her muscles tensed at the sudden invasion, but that wasn't what resulted in her outburst, it was the fact that their daughter had opened their bedroom door and was standing in the middle of the door way looking at them with an unreadable expression lurking in her artless Sasuke-like, onyx orbs.

OoOoOoOoOo

"Kaa-san, tou-san?" came the little questioning voice.

Sasuke literally face palmed himself, muttered a curse then rolled off Tenten to sit up in the bed. Carefully covering himself with the sheet, he glared at the miniature replica of himself and his wife that was now making her way into the room, clutching that dumb stuffed animal Tenten had given her.

A stifling silence settled within the room and for a second he had the strongest urge to strangle the little girl. He heaved a frustrated sigh with the realization that he couldn't, even if he wanted to.

"W-what's t-the m-matter s-sweetie?" Tenten stammered, a scarlet flush was glaringly noticeable on the creamy flesh of her cheek regardless of the dim lighting in the room.

The child crawled on to bed and sat facing both her parents, eyeing them with close apprehension.

She noted kaa-san's growingly red cheeks and the angry scowl on tou-san's face. Tsuki turned curiously to her mother; a bewildered expression lit up her adorable features.

"Kaa-san, why was tou-san laying on top of you?" the young Uchiha asked, getting straight to the point as usual.

Bluntness was an Uchiha curse.

Tenten swallowed and apparently choked on her own saliva. "What?" the brunette drew the blanket more closely around her body.

"I was sleeping," Sasuke answered flatly, irritated by the child's unwanted presence.

"But tou-san," her brows furrowed, "There's more than enough space for both of you to fit," she pointed out, edging to sit in the comfort of Tenten's lap.

And like the maternal creature that she was, she wrapped her arms around the tiny child and ran her hand through the long, thick, black locks. Sasuke glowered; there was no need to pamper the damn brat after what she just postponed, especially when she was being so smart about it.

"Well aren't we smart?" He derided, drinking in the scene before his eyes. He always took such a joy in watching his wife and child interact.

But he could not hide his annoyance at Tsuki for her unannounced intrusion. What if they hadn't been under the covers?

They really ought to do something about that child, he thought grimly. Burying her in the backyard when Tenten's away on a mission held a sizeable amount of appeal.

"Were you making me that baby brother I had asked for?" she tilted her head and looked expectantly at Tenten who could only stare down at her as though she had two heads.

Instead of blushing, she felt herself go pale, she opened her mouth to speak, but for some reason her tongue felt heavy. She was not surprise to see that Sasuke didn't look fazed at all, in fact he looked delighted.

"And where did you get that idea?" Sasuke asked sternly, but Tenten caught a glimpse of that humour in his eyes.

Tsuki's sank further into her mother's embrace; she always hated it when tou-san used that tone on her. It always meant that she was in some sort of trouble.

"Hyuuga Satoru told me," she played nervously with her fingers, expecting to witness one of the tantrums her daddy usually had whenever the word 'Hyuuga' was brought up.

But instead he chuckled.

As much as Sasuke hated to admit it, his daughter had developed a certain fondness for that Hyuuga kid. She admired him greatly, and he held a certain respect for the young prodigy. He hoped however, that this little infatuation didn't turn into an obsession; after all, Konoha was only big enough for one man-crazed female, ie. Sakura.

He would behead his own child before he allowed her to get like that.

But as Satoru and Tsuki got older, he feared more for the boy than his daughter; for if those cruddy little Hyuuga paws of his ever laid an indecent finger on his child, they'd be fucking hell to pay.

"I guess Neji and Sakura have long pass the birds and the bees' conversation," he chuckled, scratching his head and glancing over at his wife.

"What's that?" big, innocent onyx eyes looked up into hazel ones. "Kaa-san, what is he talking about?" she tugged on Tenten's arm.

She shot Sasuke a poisonous glance, "Did you need to bring this up now?"

Sasuke smirked, "Haven't you ever wondered where babies came from Tsuki?" he asked the little girl who nodded her dark head fiercely. "Well, when two people—"

"—really want a baby, they write a letter to Santa Claus and—" Tenten added quickly but found herseld being cut off by her witty offspring.

"If that was the case kaa-san, then every child would be born in December. I was born in February." Tsuki stated as-a-matter-of-factly, looking at her father for an plausible explanation.

"Don't underestimate her Tenten; she's an Uchiha," The corner of Sasuke's lip curled upward and Tsuki flashed him an equally complacent smirk.

"Satoru said that his kaa-san and tou-san attempts to make a baby almost every night," she beamed.

Tenten's eyes grew wide; kids weren't supposed to be discussing things like this. Then she silently wondered what Tsuki must have told her friends about herself and Sasuke. She wouldn't tell them anything too embarrassing, would she?

"Really?" Sasuke asked, fascinated for some unapparent reason. "What else did he say?"

"He said that he knows they try every night because he hears strange noise and crashing in their room." Tsuki felt her kaa-san tensed behind her but she continued, "But if that's the case, then that means you try every night too...?" she asked, her voice laced with speculative curiosity.

"I think you need to go back to bed," Tenten ushered the child off her lap and glared at Sasuke for indulging her child in such a mature conversation.

"But you haven't told me where babies came from yet."

"Bed!" Tenten instructed and the little girl simply crawled into her father's arm, knowing that if she got him on her side, she'd be unstoppable where having her own way was considered.

Sasuke chuckled at his wife's obvious disquiet.

"Tou-san, I don't want to go bed," she whined, flaunting the best puppy dog eyes that she could conjure up. Sasuke took one look at the child and was automatically compelled to comply.

Tenten miss the days when she could use such trickery on Sasuke to get whatever she wanted.

"Maybe if you really want that brother, you should go to bed," Sasuke kissed her on her forehead and lifted her off the bed.

He heard her little feet scampering across the floor but she didn't leave the room.

"But I want to help," she stomped, folding her arms in protest. "I want to help to make my brother!"

OoOoOoOo

An awkward silence settled amongst them once more.

"Fine," Tsuki fumed, dark eyes burning golden. "If you won't tell me where babies come from or at least allow me to help you make one—I'll figure out where they come from and how they are made all by myself," she pouted like the stubborn brat that she was. "And when I do, Satoru and I are going to make me a baby brother!"

It was Sasuke's time to choke on his saliva, "You will do NO such thing!"

Tenten snickered, "Aww, you would have the cutest babies."

"Tenten—" Sasuke warned and narrowed his eyes on his daughter who was now glaring daggers at him and Tenten.

It was so adorable the way her hands tightened around the bear in sheer frustration. Perhaps in the later running, he'd have to take her to anger management. "Are you trying to upset me Tsuki? Because you're doing a pretty good job," he grated.

"Kaa-san..." she pouted. "What's wrong with wanting to make a baby?"

"Ask your father," she suggested spitefully.

He sent her a 'thanks for nothing' frown and continued to grimace.

"You started this," Tenten grinned, holding up her arms in a gesture of defense.

Tsuki looked from one parent to another, "If it's okay for you to do it, I don't see why I can't."

"Sweetie...you're too young to be thinking about such things," Tenten said.

"But it's taking you guys forever to make me that brother!" she protested.

"Blame that on your mother," Sasuke muttered to himself, Tenten heard and elbowed him. "There will be no further talk about making babies," he declared tersely.

"How do babies get inside a girl's tummy kaa-san?" she ignored her father.

"Ask Sasuke," was all Tenten said.

He shot her a poisonous glare.

"Tou-san?" dark lashes liftes.

"A boy puts it in there," he told her finally, wondering how on earth he could explain the concept of mating to his child on a level where it was understandable but not explicit.

"How does he do that tou-san?" he could tell that she was itching to know. "Is that why you were lying on top of kaa-san?"

Tenten shuddered, this was getting awkward again. "No—"

"—yes." Sasuke answered, cutting Tenten off. "See, in order for your mother to have a baby we have to—we have to—sleep together."

"But don't you do that every night?" she rolled her eyes.

Tenten and Sasuke went silent for a moment. Sometimes they forgot how much of a smart ass their little girl could be. Naturally it was no surprise since she spent so much time with her father and hung around the Hyuuga kid.

"Does that mean that I'm going to have a baby because I slept with Satoru yesterday?" she played with the ears of her bear.

"No," he chuckled at her innocence but when the enquiry finally registered, a blazing pair of Sharingan turned on Tenten "SHE DID WHAT?" Sasuke demanded.

"They shared a bed idiot," Tenten sighed. The Uchiha was an even bigger mama bear than she was, though she'd never say it to his face. The last time she made a jab at his masculinity, they stopped being intimate for two months.

It was the longest sex-drought in their entire married life. And Sasuke was the kind of husband that couldn't keep his hands to himself, so it was shocking to say the least. But she learned a valuable lesson—Uchihas didn't let go of grudges easily.

"Did he touch you?" Sasuke asked impatiently, scanning the child with his Sharingan to see if anything was out of place.

Tsuki's frowned, "Kaa-san, I'm confused."

"I swear, I'll break that boy's neck if he touched my kid," there was murderous intent in his eyes.

"Calm down stupid, you're scaring her!" Tenten whacked him across his head.

"How does the boy puts the baby inside the girl?" Tsuki cleared her throat as if to get everyone back on track with their current conversation.

Tenten had to ask, "Why are you suddenly so interested to know?"

"It would make it easier for Satoru to help me get the baby inside, if we knew how to."

"There will be no putting of anything inside anywhere," Sasuke scoffed sickly, actually his skin took on a faint green tint at Tsuki's declaration.

The Weapon Mistress shook her head, "Sweetheart, making babies is something that only grownups can do," she explained. The child nodded in complete understanding. "When you get older you'll learn about how they are made. But under no circumstances are you to attempt to try it with Satoru."

"Under no circumstances!" Sasuke warned darkly.

"For now, we'll stick to the Santa Claus theory, okay...?" Tenten piped, glad to get everything over with.

"But tou-san said—" she protested.

"Your tou-san is an idiot," Tenten sent him a scolding glare. "You shouldn't take anything he says too seriously."

Sasuke nodded dumbly. He felt as though he'd march over to the Hyuuga Compound and strangle the young Hyuuga for increasing his daughter curiosity about where babies truly came from.

"I still would like that brother," she lowered her lashes demurely, twirling her toes on the ground.

"That's what we could've been working on, but then you trespassed," Sasuke mumbled and Tenten elbowed him, not fully comprehending the hostility towards his kin.

"Really?" Tsuki's eyes lit up in excitement. "I guess I should go back to my room and put the pillows over my head," she gave them a decisive nodd and began to hastily make her way to the door. "Try not to wake the neighbours!"

She had the audacity to wave at them.

Sasuke could kill her. "What was that?"

"I said try not to disturb the neighbours," she shrugged as if annoyed by the delay.

Slightly taken aback Sasuke asked, "Why would we wake the neighbours Tsuki?"

She giggled, "You guys are always so loud whenever you have sex," it sounded like an accusation, especially with the way she was pointing a finger at them. "At least if kaa-san gets pregnant it'll guarantee me and the neighbours nine months of sleep."

One of the veins at Sasuke's temples popped. He could only crack his knuckles to suppress himself from marching over to the Hyuuga residence and trapping Neji's damned offspring in a genjutsu.

He'd leave Tenten to deal with Tsuki out of fear that he might repeat the Uchiha massacre, starting with his own child.

Tenten shuffled beneath the sheets, searching for something. He silently hoped it wasn't a kunai knife. Tenten wouldn't use their child as a targeting dummy now would she?

Five years old were supposed to playing shinobi war with toy weapons, not worrying about where babies came from.

"Where's my headband?" Tenten demanded flinging her legs across Sasuke's to reach for her head-protector. It was on the night table by his side of the bed.

"What for?" he asked.

Her eyes blazed in fury, "I'm going to pay Sakura and Neji a visit."

"No!" Tsuki suddenly gave out.

They eyed her suspiciously. "No what?" their peeved voices chorused.

"No, you're doing it wrong!" she pointed at her mother gingerly.

They stared at her puzzled.

"Flip her over tou-san," she instructed.

Sasuke's fist clenched. "What is it child?"

"I change my mind. I want a puppy. So do it doggy style."


A/N: My idea of humour is severly fucked so if you didn't find this funny then I wouldn't be surprised. Thanks for reading. Reviews are always appreciated.