Seriously, Warden. How can this be a good idea?
How can it not be? We receive letters, we reply here! Better than have people chasing us down the streets all the time. Or imagining. Have you read the things they imagine all the time? I can't keep track of how many times I killed you in writing! Or been killed. Or... disturbing things.
It's your funeral.
If you think it's such a bad idea, why are you here? With a pen on your hands...erhg. Huh. Claws.
It's another way to tear a new one into people. And I'm sick of being killed or described as a corrupted disgusting bastard.
Which you are, Urthemiel.
Not the point.
I would like very much if you spare the time to hear my counsel and avoid the mage you invite to your tent constantly. As you know, it is beginning to affect your development and I am sure it is one of the reasons why you addressed the Archdemon as 'the only bloody logical being this side of Thedas, get out of my tent, I'm naked'.
Next time, make sure to be dressed upon my arrival.
Wynne, Senior Enchanter of the Circle of Ferelden.
Dearest? Are you serious?
Then why use it, you silly brat? It's not like she doesn't know you're lying. You're a lousy liar. You huff and puff and.
…stop bashing down the forth wall, you picky bastard.
Before addressing your peculiar and disturbing sort of curiosity concerning my love life, I believe we should address something else. Like the fact that you are an abomination. Yes, oh-so-wise lady of the Ferelden Circle of Magi, saying 'yes' to a spirit is just as messed up as saying 'yes' to a demon because, strangely enough, both possess you. Just ask Anders. Wait, no, because if you do you might join forces and I don't need something else going up in flames. Like my Keep. That said, please stop meddling in everyone's life because you're dead and that surely shows you haven't done the best choices concerning yours.
Next time, stop staring at my bod, you perverted old woman. It's awesome and good looking, I know, but, quite frankly, you're just creepy.
Aedan Cousland, Commander of the Grey
P.S – I'm pretty sure I'll do Morrigan as much times as her witchy little mind allows me to. Kindly do not watch. My performance is nice but it freaks her out and a freaked out Morrigan is an unhappy Morrigan which means bad things for my little friend.
My dearest Warden,
I was wondering if you would require aid to keep your lady entertained. The noises from your corner of the camp end disturbingly early in the night.
Disturbing is you keeping track of that! What's with you people and obsessing over my love life?
In his defense, he was asking about your sex life, not love life.
Dude, shut up.
Why you helping Warden?
He can construct a complete sentence.
We have been informed that you believe us to be 'adorable'. While I am definitely hot and Urthemiel is definitely big and scaly and that can be considered very eye-catching, we are not, in fact, adorable. I kill things for a living. He spends his time calling out to every tainted creature to produce more tainted creatures so the whole world explodes in amazing scenes of action and death. We nearly hugged (please, notice the nearly) simply because the author has chosen to stuck us with people who seemed to have lost their complete faculty to use sense. Strength in numbers and everything.
Now, remember. I hot, he big, scaly, fierce.
Don't make us find your house. Because we can.
P.S – Where is my tea, woman?
Where in the Maker's name are you, why did you leave me behind and why is Leliana harping about my eyelashes and how she wants to keep them in jars? I swear to Andraste, if you don't get yourself back I'll… I'll. Ah come on, man, don't make me beg. Eamon's after me to get married, Anora's after me (or my neck, I can't be sure) and Leliana's just. Please?
Alistair, Warden (and King of Ferelden, I suppose)
Aedan would love to reply but he's currently avoiding you. Why? Because Anora seems to be after him (and not just his neck) and so does Eamon but for different reasons. Now, to get rid of your little problems. I would suggest you to choose someone and get hitched. It's not like you can't keep someone on the side. Being faithful? That's not for a King! Remember your brother? He was totally sweet on Celene, even sent her flowers, used shackles, enjoyed a good whipping. I don't know if you're into the kinky stuff but normal is all accepted.
Your Warden brother says he'll borrow you his leather pants. He looks a killer in them but he'll make this sacrifice for the good of Ferelden. No magic to memorize the moment will be used, of course not.
Now, to get rid of the last issues. I advise you to just kill Anora once and for all. Or, at least, give her to Danarius as a slave. Don't know who the guy is? Search, I am not going to do everything for you.
Finally, ship the Leliana girl off to the Divine, make sure to include a small note about her not-so-sister-of-the-Chantry like behavior. I have in good authority that the Divine would be very grateful for someone who works with just a pat on the head as reward. Who knows? She might allow you to rule with no Exalted March or asking just why you went ahead and killed the hero of River Dane without so much as a note.
Also. Stop whining.
Urthemiel, Archdemon (and The One Who Haunts Your Dreams)
Why does this seem like a sex line instead of counseling?
Because you wrote almost all of it, Warden.
Any questions, requests for advice or offer of virgins (or not so virgins, I'm not picky :D), please address mail to warden. plus. dragon. equals. this. stuff. ferelden. da
AN – I was bored (and this all started with Aedan and Urthemiel wanting to eat Enaid for insulting them). Basically, I make no excuses for these weird texts anymore. If anyone wishes to write to either Warden or Archdemon, with whatever questions, notes or comments, by all means. I am sure either will be happy to reply.
A big thank you to Enaid Aderyn for giving the idea for this story and not minding her forced participation. Artwork by the very talented ChampiontheWonderSnail.