You are still writing. Why are you still writing? Do you really like hearing us insult you over and over and over and over again. I mean, it's not that I mind, it's actually amusing but it lowers my opinion of you.

I didn't think it was possible, Warden.

What can I say? They wear me down with each dumbass comment.

xxxXXXxxx

Dear Urthemiel,

Thank you for your application for membership in the League of Dead Gods. Unfortunately, while 'soul got reincarnated into a human baby' is ironic enough to pique our interest, it is not sufficiently dead to qualify for a membership.

We shall watch your career with interest.

Myrkul


Warden. Why would you do this?

I was bored.

I thought you were going to talk about these issues of yours with your shrink instead of causing me trouble.

I did. He said I was something called a f***ing narcissistic sociopath and told me to put the sword away.


Myrkul,

I don't gloat over being dead.

Also, humans don't believe in you. They do believe in me. Might have been because I have a body and destroyed a couple of cities.

Game, set, match: the Lord of Beauty.

Urthemiel

xxxXXXxxx

Dear Warden,

Do you like Kitties? I love my Kitty. My Kitty is so smart and cute and she talks to me. I like to play games with Kitty. Only I think Kitty went away. I am sad without Kitty. Do you know where Kitty is, Warden? Or do you know where I could go look for Kitty? I bet Kitty would be very happy to see both of us again.

Sincerely,
Amalia Smith

PS: If Urthemiel has kittens could I have one for my very own?


You know, I consider saving this girl as going against the will of the Maker. He obviously made her very stupid as a way for the world to get rid of her very quickly. Hey, maybe that applies to mag—

I would think several times before you finishing that sentence, Warden. You live with one.

My Morrigan is the exception to the rule. Everyone else? I don't know why Templars bother. Between blood magic and plain stupidity, they'll be extinct before the century's out. Come to Thedas, Darwin! Theorize with me!


Dear Amelia,

I'm afraid I have to tell you that I offed your Kitty in very murde—


(The last word trails off in several traces and blotches of ink which spread during a great amount of space.

Seriously.

A lot of space.

What's with this ton of space?

There is an incredibly amount of fighting behind the five lines you see here.)


Dear Amelia,

Kitty had to go away to her own home, sweetie. I am sure you understand that she missed her family very very much. Sometimes even the best friends cannot keep us from our family for long, as I am sure my wayward son would definitely tell you. I think you should let her go and perhaps find a new pet. How about a Mabari? They are very affectionate and willing to play without requesting to borrow your body. Think about this suggestion carefully, my dear girl.

Respectfully,

Teyrna Eleanor Cousland

P.S. – Tell your papa to come and talk to me. He could use some advice, I think.


I never want to read you saying this kind of things to a little girl, Aedan Cousland!

Yes, momma.

It is natural that you get into it after such a long time dealing with people's foolishness but that is no reason to unload it all and traumatize a child!

In my defense, she's traumatized from birth.

Do I want to hear you make excuses?

No.

And what will I do if you keep doing them?

Bad things. I'm quiet.

And I can hear you snickering, my Lord Dragon. Don't mock my child or I will tell Amelia you can send her a kitten.

Be my guest. Any Kittens I come up with will maul her.

xxxXXXxxx

Dear Commander of the Grey,

I was just stabbed by a mage. He is saying it was your idea. Is there a reason I should believe him and not make him tranquil on the spot?

Greetings,

Ser Carol


Carol,

Yes. I'll eat you.

Urthemiel


Carol,

Yes. The Dragon will eat you and I'll plant evidence that you had an affair with the Knight-Commander, the Knight-Captain and the Revered Mother. Stop stalking the kid, you freak.

Totally amazed you can write, by the way.

Commander Aedan Cousland of the Grey

xxxXXXxxx

Urthemiel,

I haven't managed to turn my son. How did you turn the Warden to your side?

Anonymous


We all know who you are, sir,

Remind him his followers are walking teddy bears and that your side is slightly dignified in comparison.

Get rid of the waste disposal system. He might fall in again.

Urthemiel

xxxXXXxxx

Dear Commander,

I realize I was somewhat of a… well, shrew the last time we talked properly. The battle doesn't count. So I am here to apologize for that. While I'm at it, I have this small issue. In case you forgot, your pal the King, made me the Bann of the Alienage. While that is a good thing, it's always good to be able to rule my life without worrying one of you she— one of your people comes knocking.

Now.

Your little darkspawn have pretty much razed our homes just before I was made a Bann. I say that was still done during your administration. With that in mind, I'd love if you stopped chatting up that dragon (the one who tried killing us, remember?) and actually came by to help out.

Bann Shianni

Shianni, Bann(?)

Shianni, The Bann(?)

Ah, Fade to this!

Shianni


Bann,

I honestly am baffled by the way you still try to make the Warden do anything. Not to brag or anything, but he did kill me. Isn't that enough for you, petty worms? How many more dragons does he have to try and kill? How many more little boys and girls does he have to babysit? How many more times are you going to grovel before the most efficient of your kind before you realize he's just somewhat good at poking people with pointy objects? If I wasn't a God, I would be praying for your souls right now. As I am one, I am praying you continue as you are. It does make Blights easy to prepare.

Truly. Leaving us in the Deep Roads by ourselves producing darkspawn to attack you with. Stuff of genius.

Your Lord and Master

xxxXXXxxx

You know, dragon? If I read that sideways, upside down and then stretch it from the moon to Thedas before shaking it while dancing the Macarena it kinda sort might look like a compliment.

Eh. I'm in a good mood.

xxxXXXxxx

Dear Aedan,

So there's where you've been hiding! I have been searching for you for ages now! Didn't you hear? Cassandra told me she sent letters pretty much everywhere saying this. And every time we seemed to get close, you disappeared! You and Hawke, of course. I didn't have the courage to tell her friends that her exploits weren't that amazing in comparison to yours, my dear friend! It's not like they had a giant draconic God to battle! Did I tell you that I did write that Ode to you? Maker above, it sounds lovely. At least that's what everyone said after I sang it in Celene's court (who sends her regards) and to the First Warden (who says you need to stop messing up something called the chain of command). Did I tell you Wynne is working with Tevinter now? I was assured she managed to turn Shale into her old self (she is so cute! I met her in Kirkwall, such a nice girl. Well, for Shale, I mean. She's still a little angry and someone thought she would love a new axe – I think it was Oghren! I should warn his wife, shouldn't I? Felsi's such a nice woman, she doesn't deserve him looking at others. And oh, their child is so cute! Maker, I bought her these little shoes in Orlais and—


BY THE LOVE OF THE MAKER, MAKE HER STOP. BELOVED ANDRASTE IN THE FADE, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. ENOUGH. KILL IT. KILL IT WITH FIRE. WHY SO MUCH TALKING WHY SO MUCH USELESS STUFF WHY OH MAKER WHY.

Your weakness is a redheaded woman with the brains of a pea.

I might have been going overboard with the dramatics. But the woman is flipping annoying! Maker above, I wished I hadn't killed that chick who wanted to off her. At least it'd keep her busy and off my back.

You mean off your pants.

I like my virtue where it is.

You mean in the mage's purse.

Can't you shut up?


Dear Leliana,

You have attempted to reach our Arl and Commander Aedan Cousland. He wishes for it to be known he is currently dead or dying and cannot and will not bother replying to this because he is busy with things. I am sure you will be proud that you are currently the only letter for wish he has no inclination to send an insult to. Do remember that we have received letters from Lady Meredith, Isolde and Rendon Howe and please, do not write again. He reached decibels high enough to break most windows.

Respectfully,

The Secretary

P.S. - Dear Miss Leliana, I don't want you as my daughter. Respectfully, Teyrna Eleanor Cousland.

xxxXXXxxx

The writers of this line wish also for it to be known that the secretary will not be allowed to add her contribution ever again because we do not need sass from someone who has yet to bring us our tea.


As always, we thank our commentators and apologize for the incredibly delay in getting anything out in this line. We do hope you have managed to snicker at any point (though our Lord and Dragon does comment he does include you in the 'humanity' and 'petty humans' category). We thank Enaid once more. Your Highest Priestess is responsible by the inclusion of Amelia. Myrkul has been invited thanks to Peres and kawaiimiku is to be blamed by Carol's presence.