I own neither Naruto nor No More Heroes. I do, however, own the rights to my unique brand of insanity, which I abuse daily~
Sabaku no Gaara was a complicated man. He was a mystery wrapped in an enigma, coated with a thick batter of odd and deep-fried in the yummy oil of psychotic mass-murderer.
Rather, he WAS.
Many years after his massive loss against one Naruto Uzumaki, Gaara had changed. He was mellower, calmer…less…slaughtery. He had even become Kazekage, opting to protect his people instead of squeezing their insides out.
But old habits die hard. And having an omnicidal tanuki taking up residence in your navel made it even harder. The urge to kill (or at least maim grievously) rose occasionally and the longer Gaara suppressed it, the worse it got.
Which leads us to a very…interesting hobby of his…
Today, Gaara was in his office, enjoying (sort of) another day of being Kazekage. A large stack of papers took up one side of his table, which would normally be the bane of any Kage, but he filled out the forms and filed them away with lightning-fast speed and incredible efficiency. His eyes never blinked once, a jarringly useful trait from his constant insomnia wrought on him courtesy of the Ichibi.
So engrossed was he in his paperwork, he didn't hear the phone ringing in the background. Until Shukaku so helpfully decided to point it out to his host. "OI! FUCKING BRAT! YOU GONNA ANSWER THAT!"
Gaara ground his teeth and filed away one last form and willed his sand to pick up the phone, holding it close to his ear. "Speak."
"Allo!" came a cheerfully whimsical female voice on the other end of the line. "To whom am I speaking?"
Gaara sighed and rubbed his temples. "You know damn well who it is; this is a secure line." The voice on the other end giggled, a sound that made even Shukaku cringe. "I know, silly, I am just…how is it you say? 'Poking fun'! You need to loosen up!"
'One…two…three…' counted the ninja silently in his head. "Just tell me why you called; I'm busy."
"Ooh, straight to zee point! I like zat. If only you were not with zat shy girl you adore zo much…" At that, both demon and demon-container gagged. "Anywhoo, someone has made it to rank 3, so you know what zat means~!"
Gaara sighed. "Set it up."
"Already done, silly! He is on his way zhere now!"
Not a second after Gaara had exclaimed, a loud ZHIRM sound reverberated through the tower. For a second, he had thought he was hearing things when…
Gaara's eyes widened as a massive square was cut out of his office wall and a person stepped through.
Now, Gaara had seen people dressed oddly before. The Uchihas wore high collars. The Aburame had those weird glasses. His brother wore facepaint. His best friend, Naruto, wore bright orange, for god's sake. But the one who had cut a giant swath into his office?
Took the cake.
He stood taller than Gaara but looked remarkably younger. His skin was a delicate olive tone that looked tempered from a lot of time spent in the sun. His dress indicated he wasn't from around from the area; a white shirt with a red fūma shuriken in the center and (Gaara noticed with amusement), the words 'Ninja Killer' in red encompassing it. Over that was a blood-red jacket that contrasted his eyes well, emerald-green shielded by a large pair of see-through, amber-tinted sunglasses.
Instead of shorts that most ninja wore, he chose blue jeans held in place by a brown belt with a brown holster strapped to his right hip. Instead of sandals, he wore shoes; white with red designs, matching the armwarmer on his left hand. His hair was jet-black, pushed upwards at the front, similar to Lee's when he opened the third gate with, to Gaara, very stylish sideburns. Clenched in his right hand in a brown glove was the oddest thing of all; his weapon.
It resembled a small metallic tonfa, but a loop of incredibly, highly-focused blue energy was streaming through an emitter extending from the handle, with a pointed spike at the head, looking like a very technologically advanced katana. It hummed lightly, its owner smirking devilishly.
Slowly, without saying a word, Gaara hung up the phone, walked behind his desk and pressed a finger to his intercom. "Matsuri?"
"Hai, Gaara-sama!" came the excited voice of his student.
"I'm going to need you to hold my calls for the next few…(he glanced back at the intruder, then at the clock on his desk)…minutes."
"Hai!" was her enthusiastic response, and she clicked off. The brunette widened his eyes. "A secretary? Impressive. So who am I killing today?"
Gaara sat down in his large Kazekage chair and folded his hands dramatically. "Isn't it polite to introduce yourself, first, Mr…?"
The brunette twirled his weapon like a baton, planting it into the ground and resting his chin and hands on the handle. "Oh, my bad, my bad. Travis Touchdown, at your…disposal. And you'd be…?"
"Sabaku no Gaara." replied the redhead, standing up and bowing. "Fifth Kazekage of Sunagakure, the Village Hidden in the Sand."
Travis blinked. "And I thought Harvey's name was long. Wanna get this over with? I don't wanna miss the new ep of Pure White Lover Bizarre Jelly."
Sitting down and ignoring the insane name of the program he mentioned, Gaara leaned back in his chair and smiled. "Ready when you are." Travis scowled. "Wait, you're not even gonna attack? What the hell?" Gaara shrugged, scratching his unruly red hair. "I'll attack when I see fit."
"Fine by me!" roared Travis, rushing towards Gaara, the Blood Berry raised high…
…only to be thrown back by a wall of sand.
Bewildered, Travis pulled himself up, looking at the smirking redhead. "The fuck?"
The assassin's eyes looked at the cloud of sand that had appeared from nowhere slowly seeping back into a grinning Gaara's large gourd.
"Are you quite finished?"
"The hell I am!" snarled Travis, twirling his beam katana. Planting it firmly in the ground, he dragged it forward, sending up a shockwave towards the ninja.
Without even moving, Gaara summoned a massive copy of Shukaku's hand made of sand, which absorbed the shockwave. And, purely for humorous purposes, Gaara summoned another hand and dusted them off, infuriating Travis more. "Little BRAT!"
The otaku lunged again, only to be pinned down by another copy of Shukaku's hand. "Okay." Gaara said, disinterestedly. "This is getting boring. I have a lot of paperwork to do, and you're really backing up my schedule."
"Fight me seriously, then, fuckface!"
Keeping the hand pinned on the screaming and cursing Travis, Gaara sighed in irritation and hit speaker on his phone. "Hello?"
"Allo!" came a chirpy, heavily French-accented voice.
Travis' eyes bugged out of his head. "Silvia?"
"Aah, Travis! So you made it after all. Well, based on your tone, I am guessing you did not defeat Gaara?"
"Little shit's cheating! Sand as a weapon? That's more fucked up than Letz Shake! Sure, he used a damn nuclear weapon, but still!"
"You cannot point fingers." replied Silvia matter-of-factly. "You use no less than roughly seven beam katanas at a time." No response from the otaku assassin. She DID have a point there. "Regardless, your time is up."
That got his attention. "The FUCK! You didn't say SHIT about a time limit!"
"Oh," said Silvia, the smile on her face practically audible. "Did I forget? It must 'ave slipped my mind."
'BITCH.' thought Travis, Gaara and even Shukaku at the same time.
"Yes, Travis, since Gaara's ozhere duties take up so much of his time, his fights all have a time limit of ten minutes. So sorry! You will 'ave to try again anozhere day~!"
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER OF A CUNT'S—"
Travis's face turned a dark shade of purple. "DID SHE JUST FUCKING HANG UP ON ME?"
"Indeed," said Gaara, crossing his legs in his comfy chair. "Shall I show you the door?"
Travis blinked. "I cut down your door."
Gaara gave a wide, sadistic sort of smile that Shukaku couldn't help but be proud of and sent shivers down Travis' spine.
As the sound of breaking glass echoed across the village, citizens near the Kazekage tower looked up to a see a strangely dressed, profusely swearing man being hurtled from the window at incredible speeds.
Dusting his hands off, Gaara swished around and returned to his paperwork, the smashed window allowing a delightfully cool breeze. Smiling wider, he stacked a set of documents dealing with trading routes of Amegakure.
"He never would've made it past Hinata, anyway."
This idea popped into my head when I was both listening to the MadWorld soundtrack and playing Naruto Shippuden: Clash of Ninja Revolution 3. I thought to myself, "Damn, it'd be sweet if Travis made it into Anarchy Reigns." I was also playing as Gaara at the time. You figure out the rest. :)
I realize the ranking is odd. Truthfully, I didn't know where to put Gaara and Hinata on the list. Higher than Harvey and Letz Shake (he's fought Deidara before and Harvey...a magician, really?). So Gaara and Hinata are SORT OF UAA members. I'll let you try and figure out the specifics yourselves, as I am a lazy ass.
And if you're wondering why Hinata is ranked higher than Gaara, it's simple. What's scarier, a demon container...
...or the woman that keeps him in line~