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Ladies Love Nard Dog

Andy strode into the office that morning with a spring in his step; he had a good feeling about today.

"Hey, what's up, Erin-berrin?" Andy said with forced casualness.

Erin's face crumpled. "Why would you remind me that I'm barren?"

"I, um, I didn't realize you were... um," Andy backpedaled. "I was just kind of doing a rhyming thing..."

"Oh!" Erin said, breaking out into a smile. "Okay! Good morning, Andy-Wandy."

"Morning," Andy laughed awkwardly, then swiftly proceeded to his office.

x

Andy: Yuh, things between Erin and me were a little uncomfortable for a while. But we've come through all that, and I think now we can just work together as friends.

x

Erin: I'm going to get Andy back, no matter what it takes.

She smiles.

Erin: I've never been more determined.

x

The office continued at its normal routine for most of the morning, until it was finally punctuated with a room-clearing "GAH!" from Andy's office.

Erin ran into the office to rescue him, only to find him wildly trying to cover his computer screen or his eyes, but too flustered to decide which. "Andy, what happened?"

"Robert's ex-wife just emailed me a picture of her... kitty," Andy said in sheer terror.

"Oh, I love kitties!" Erin said with cheerfully oblivious innocence as she looked over to see his screen.

"Erin, no, not that kind of..." Andy said, trying to block the screen.

But it was too late.

Erin's face went redder than usual, and she very quickly, very purposefully, left Andy's office with her mouth covered to block her repeated "ew, ew, ew"s.

Andy finally just pulled the plug.

x

Andy, panicked: Okay, I did nothing to encourage that... Jessica, Robert... Mom, if you guys are watching, that was totally unprovoked and I have no idea where it came from.

x

Erin, confused: Do guys really like that?

x

Andy tried to put the incident behind him, but it was no use. Whenever he went out to explain to Erin that the email had been unsolicited, she either left the room or refused to look him in the eye. He couldn't blame her, it was an upsetting incident and not the type of thing he would expect a girl like Erin to understand... nearly being one himself, he completely knew where she was coming from.

Unfortunately for Andy, his day was about to get odder.

"Andy," Angela's voice called out stiltedly.

"What's up, Prime Number," Andy said, fully ready to explain the nickname referred to her status as head of the accounting department.

She didn't ask. "Andy," she said with unusual warmth, "I was just wondering if you want to feel my baby kick."

Andy smiled. "You know I'm always down to feel a fetus. Let me at him," he said, placing his hand on the bump.

Angela smiled icily. "You know, my husband the Senator has been away all this week at the Capitol."

"You mean Harrisburg?" Andy said. "Isn't that like two hours away?"

"He has to work very closely with his aide," Angela explained, "so he can't be disturbed."

"That's always rough," Andy sympathesized.

"Well, there was something I needed him to help with that he won't be able to while he's away... something you used to be able to help me with," she closed her hand over the hand on her abdomen.

Andy began to sweat more profusely than usual.

x

Andy: I have a girlfriend! She's super-hot!

Pause.

Andy: I know I've said that when it wasn't true, but you've all seen her!

Pause.

Andy: So, why is all this happening now?

x

After making sure the camera wasn't following her (which of course it was), Erin sunk into the Annex, she needed sound advice on relationships, and at times like that, she always turned to one person.

"Hey, Kelly! Kelly!" she hissed.

Kelly greeted Erin and talked to her about herself for eight minutes before the receptionist finally found a moment to interject. "I need your advice," Erin said, "have you ever sent a picture of yourself? Like, of your... bompy?"

"Oh sure, all the time," Kelly said.

"Really?" Erin said in disbelief.

"Of course," Kelly replied, "how else is he going to know how much you love him?"

"I never really thought about it before," Erin admitted. It was literally not something she had conceived of.

"Guys basically expect it," Kelly informed her. "Have you been taking picture for Andy?"

"I've tried, but I don't like looking at... that, so I keep getting pictures of shoe or my thumb," she admitted.

"Maybe we can think of something that's more Erin," Kelly said. "I'm going to take you shopping and then we're going to turn this annex into a sexy photo studio," Kelly announced, excited to make something all about herself again.

"You guys, I'm right here," Toby reminded them.

x

When the last of his male coworkers had entered the conference room, Andy shut the door behind them. "Good, good," he said. "I guess you guys are wondering why I called all you here."

"Stopped caring years ago," Stanley muttered.

Not even slightly derailed, Andy kept going. "Have you noticed anything... different about me?" he asked.

"Um..." Jim said.

"Oscar," Andy asked, "have I suddenly gotten more attractive?"

"Not that I've noticed," Oscar said.

"Andy, what's this all about," Gabe cut.

Andy took a breath. "Lately, I've been noticing way more women coming on to me."

"So, some," Dwight sneered.

"Exactly!" Andy replied. "I mean, what is it all the sudden? Is it the job?"

Jim raised a hand. "Did you notice Michael being especially popular with the ladies?"

Andy shrugged. "More than I would have expected."

"Andy, not one of us is going to be able to explain why women would suddenly be more attracted to you. We're just as confused as you are."

"Yeah," Gabe agreed venomously.

"I know, right!" Andy agreed. "It took me thirty years to find one woman willing to sleep with me, so how'd I end up with four?"

"Wait... you told me you lost your virginity when you were in college," Oscar said.

"You told me you were sixteen," Dwight replied.

"You told me fourteen," Darryl reminded.

"Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a bit," Andy nervously admitted.

"Andy," Kevin broached, "how many women have you slept with besides Angela, Jessica, and Erin?"

"Two," Andy admitted.

The room broke out in laughter.

"Okay, okay," Andy said defensively, "how many girls have you slept with?"

Kevin counted in his head. "...three."

Andy nodded. "And you Dwight?"

Dwight blinked. "Two and a half."

Andy nodded. "Jim?"

Jim lowered his eyes. "Five," he admitted reluctantly.

"Uh-huh," Andy smiled.

x

Oscar: I have actually slept with eight women... when I was younger.

Pause.

Oscar: It was like waiting for a bus.

x

"All right, so what do I do?" Andy asked. "How can I make myself completely repellent? Gabe?"

"I, um..."

Creed shrugged. "I don't see what you're complaining about."

Darryl nodded.

"I only want one girl," Andy pleaded. "The one I already have," he added after another moment. "What can I do?"

"Andy," Jim said reassuringly, "you're making big deal out of nothing. So some other women are coming on to you, happens all the time, doesn't mean anything bad is going to happen. Just relax."

Andy nodded. "Thanks, Tuna."

x

Jim: Gotta learn to keep my big mouth shut.