A/N: YOU GUYS! HI! For some reason, I'm super excited to write this note to you, because I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever, even though some of you read my other stories as well. I just feel like I haven't given you any good gifts for a while, and I reread all my reviews the other night (my god I love you all) and I'm absolutely obsessed with how some of you have favorite characters! It made me all explode-ish inside and made me want to write a sequel, and then I was on tumblr (when am I not?) and I was reading shizayaconfessions (I love their blog, you should definitely check it out) and a huge beam of inspiration shot out of my computer and straight into my keyboard. Sorry for rambling. And to all my dedicated readers out there, I'm so sorry for updating Sanity is Overrated so late. I'll make it up to you, I promise. I've already started the next chapter, and finals are coming up, so I'll be doing a lot of procrastinating… aka updating my fanfics.
And KILL ME NOW this story was supposed to be a oneshot. Just like the first one. But then it escalated into something I was not expecting at all. So the next chapter should be the last one. Please tell me if it sucks, because if it does, I'll stop. I don't want to ruin Shizuo's Bow Tie for anyone.
This is not good. This is so not good.
I'm sitting on Shizuo's nose, glaring across the table at Jacket. Her human is licking up and down a spoon slowly, and I can feel beads of sweat sliding between Shizuo's skin and me.
"Don't look at me like that!" Jacket snaps when she sees my glower. "I'm not the one seducing your human!"
"Can't you keep him restrained for at least two minutes?" I retort. I know it's not her fault, but I can only handle so many sex noises in one day. And it really irritates me that Jacket actually… likes it.
"Ohh I hope they do it on the kitchen table this time!" Jacket squeals, her fur ruffling. See what I have to deal with?
"Fuck, dawg! Now dats just wrong!" cries Bow Tie from below.
"But they haven't done it on the kitchen table yet!" she exclaims. I realize that Jacket's right, which is odd considering how many other strange places the two humans currently eye-fucking each other have done… it.
You see, ever since Shizuo became infatuated with Mr. Scrawny over there (for reasons I still don't understand), I've discovered quite a few facts about our favorite blond that I would be perfectly well off without knowing. And the reason I'm slightly surprised that he hasn't pounded the raven into the table yet, is that Shizuo possesses the abnormal fetish of fucking everywhere but the bed. His favorite place to have sex is against the wall, but the list also includes fucking against the desk, the door, the window, the floor, etc. Izaya, the other hand, is apparently fond of playing in public places. Once, we were on the subway, and…
I don't know why these two are still together. The location of these events is not the only preference that differs between them. Shizuo, being inexplicably afraid of his own strength, likes to take things extremely slow, being gentle and sensual in his lengthy foreplay. On the other hand, I can tell from his body language (ew ew ew), that Izaya tries everything in his power to make Shizuo mad. And sometimes, it works. Izaya loves it, because apparently he absolutely adores angry sex.
Shizuo also has an obsession with Izaya's nipples, and Izaya can't keep his hands off Shizuo's ass. While Shizuo enjoys dry humping. Izaya acts like oral sex is the most pleasurable thing on the planet.
And unfortunately, Shizuo can't control himself when Izaya wears… me. And Izaya can't control himself when there's food play, bondage, or a camera involved. Izaya likes being in control, which is hard to do when the opponent of his dominance is Shizuo.
So, as you can see, our two humans are as different as Rick Perry and John Stewart. And I can't help but wonder what the hell we've gotten ourselves into. I mean, I wouldn't mind this relationship if it didn't involve you-know-what. Especially since Izaya is surprisingly kind to inanimate objects such as myself. A few days after the LPTNHAHINHABIPWI, Izaya stole me from Shizuo and replaced my broken glass. No matter how intense the sex between him and Shizuo becomes, Izaya makes sure to untie Bow Tie as soon as there's a chance the ex-bartender might rip him in half. Switchblade is always polished and sharp, Left Shoe is always placed conveniently close to Remote Control, and Right Shoe stays on top of the heating vent, where he can carry out his new favorite hobby of shouting down the vent and then listen to his echo. This list goes on and on, and sometimes I find myself not minding the sex so much if it means we can live like this for a little while more.
"Slice slice slice! TAKE THAT, PORK CHOP!" shrieks Switchblade as his human cuts into his meal. Izaya's ring clinks against Switchblade's handle loudly.
However, something about that ring has been freaking me out lately. I don't know what it is, exactly, but I get this weird feeling every time I look at it. Jacket got really defensive when I brought it up to her a few days ago. I don't understand why she cared so much, but she went off spewing some nonsense about Izaya simply knowing what she wants, like he has this sixth sense or something, and some other crap that didn't have anything to do with the ring. I mean, I totally agree about that sixth-sense thing, but I don't see how it relates to that ring at all. Maybe I'm just thinking too hard about it. Maybe it's the way that ring glints when the sun hits it, or how Izaya never takes it off no matter what he's doing…
Or maybe Left Shoe and Remote Control have been making me watch Lord of the Rings too often. I swear, if I have to sit there and listen to Sam shout Frodo's name one more time, the ring won't be the only thing suffering the wrath of Mount Doom.
"Does anyone else get freaked out by that ring?" I ask, ignoring Jacket's puffs of anger. Her human looks up at me and smirks, and for a moment I'm taken aback… but then I remember he's looking at Shizuo through me.
Der der derrr. I'm so dumb.
"Yo Specs, I totally see wut you getting' at," replies Bow Tie. "Dat dudes been botherin' me since I first seen him, you know? He's so… quiet like."
"FRODOOOO!" shouts Right Shoe.
"FRODOO Frodoo frodoo," shouts Right Shoe's echo.
"Shut up with the Frodo! You're not Samwise Gamgee!" I yell.
"YOUR TEA IS READY! WEEEEEEEEEEEEH!"
Izaya finally pulls his gaze away from Shizuo, who was beginning to shift restlessly in his chair. Jacket flutters away with her human to take Kettle off the stove, returning to pour some into Shizuo's teacup. He sits back down, careful not to sit on Jacket's fringe, and watches Shizuo slowly bring his cup to his lips.
But the raven quickly stops him, seeming to think of something important. He leans across the table and pulls me from Shizuo's face, and I'm slightly relieved that I'm no longer sitting on a shaking pile of hormonal sweat.
But then I'm flipped around, and then I'm staring at my blond human from my new spot on Izaya's nose.
"Uh oh," says Bow Tie.
Shizuo's face is red, and he quickly tries to hide it by taking a huge gulp of steaming tea.
Izaya vibrates beneath me as he says something; his voice is low, and I see Shizuo's expression morph into a furious snarl. And then-
Shizuo falls violently into his half-eaten pork chop, and Izaya begins to laugh hysterically. Shizuo's out cold.
"Uh…" I say.
"SWING! SLEEPING DRUGS!" shouts Switchblade. Jacket giggles along with her master, the three of them apparently finding the situation unbelievably funny. Well, at least Izaya took me off Shizuo's face before it smashed into his dinner plate.
"NOT COOL, MASHED POTATOES!" shouts Bow Tie from under Shizuo's body. I'm assuming he fell right into the mashed potatoes.
Izaya gets up and circles the table, much like he's stalking his prey. He pulls Shizuo out of his chair, and sure enough, Bow Tie is covered in mashed potatoes.
Oh, but don't worry. Like I said before, Izaya loves food play.
"DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND! FINE! I'MTOOFASTFORYOUANYWAY!" hollers Switchblade as Izaya leaves him next to the pork chops.
Izaya takes his time dragging the other human to the bedroom, but it's such an effort that by the time we reach the threshold, Izaya has to push me back up the length of his sweaty nose nose to keep me from falling off. He wipes the moisture from his forehead, before hauling Shizuo up onto the mattress and taking a short break. For some reason, the scrawny human made sure to put poor, unconscious Shizuo's head at the foot of the bed, with his feet at the top.
"This. Is. So. Exciting." Jacket whispers, sounding almost as out of breath as her human. Izaya laughs to himself before carefully untying Bow Tie from around Shizuo's neck, and setting him on the nightstand right next to the video. He bought the video camera right after the LPTNHAHINHABIPWI, on the very same trip he took to have my glass replaced. What a bittersweet shopping spree. He pushes the red button on the video camera and angles it at Shizuo's face, before moving back onto the bed.
"Aaaand, ACTION!" announces Video Camera.
Oh, did I mention she has a personality as well? And unfortunately, she is one hundred percent on Jacket's side with this whole sex thing.
"I feel so unfresh, homie," complains Bow Tie, still covered in food.
Hmm… Izaya is in complete control (clearly he plans on topping again), and yet he's not going to use bondage tonight? He ducks under the bed, coming up with what looks like leather handcuffs.
He proceeds to strap Shizuo to the bars at the foot of the bed. He undoes the buttons on Shizuo's vest and shirt, revealing the smooth, sheen skin underneath. He then moves down to remove Shizuo's belt and slides off the pants.
Shizuo stirs in his sleep.
"OH MY GOD HERE WE GO!" screeches Jacket.
"Good, perfect! This lighting is simply magnificent!" exclaims Video Camera.
"Those lucky fucking shoes, out there watching television and screaming down air vents," I grumble. I can hear a Spanish soap opera playing out in the living room.
"Yo yo yo dis jam gotz ta be da beez knees, makin' men look fine, hanging 'round yo neck, freshin' up da room, flyin' down da hill," Bow Tie begins his mantra.
At the sound of Shizuo waking up, Izaya frantically pulls his own pants off, but he leaves his shirt and Jacket on. He climbs on top of the blond, but before he settles down completely, he brings his hands up to strategically adjust me on his face. I can feel his cheeks rise in a smile before he lowers his hands, and I catch the ring on his hand glinting in my glass before it disappears somewhere under Shizuo's ass.
I have a bad feeling about this.
Shizuo's eyes open, looking around blearily before locking onto Izaya. This is always the most uncomfortable moments for me, when I'm stuck in the middle of what I like to call either-fuck-me-or-kill-me gazes. Izaya's the first one to move, mumbling something that causes Shizuo to freeze in either fear or anticipation… or both.
And then we're off.
"Oh my god, look at the way Shizuo is looking at us," sighs Jacket.
"He's looking at Izaya," I correct her.
"I know, I know. But look! He's all red! And it's all because of you," adds Jacket.
"You are such a bitch," I tell her, and Video Camera shushes me.
"Bow Tie Bow Tie, how cool you be? Man, I gotz eight bitches all comin' at me," raps Bow Tie. Not gonna lie, his rap sounds more like a hopscotch song today.
Shizuo is pulling at his bonds, clearly upset that Izaya upgraded to something sturdier than Bow Tie. Not that he couldn't break through them if he really wanted to. Which disturbs me even more, because he's choosing to stay in this position.
"Wooooah!" I shout, tightening around Izaya's ears as he leans in fast for a kiss. I'm never prepared for those, especially when whoever's wearing me is on top. Gravity is not my friend, as you may have noticed form my past experiences.
The kiss is too long. How do they breathe? I see a flash of teeth, twisting tongues, along with the sounds of rather sexual noises I would not like to describe.
Out of breath, Izaya sits up. Shizuo looks completely ravaged, flushed and panting, his arms not even fighting the restraints. Izaya murmurs something and gropes Shizuo's butt, and thank god I can't see what's going on under there.
But then suddenly, Shizuo tenses up.
His eyes flash angrily at Izaya, and he growls threateningly. Even I'm scared. But Izaya doesn't seem fazed (go figure), and begins explaining something.
I'm so confused.
"Jacket, what's going on?" I ask.
"Oh, upset at the hold-up?" Jacket inquires.
"I just want to get this over with as quickly as possible," I say. I'm telling the truth, okay?
"Suuure," sneers Jacket, but she continues. "It seems as though our uke for the day does not enjoy being fingered… as usual."
She sighs. "You know, like, what they do to each other before sex EVERY TIME? Sheesh, where have you been?"
"Honestly," I say, "I try not to pay attention to what actually goes on down there."
"Well now you know," snaps Jacket.
"Shhh! They're continuing!" Video Camera says passionately.
Now that I know what's going on, I still can't really believe it. Why would they, no, why would anyone want to stick their fingers up another human's ass? I mean, they eat with those! And they poop with those other things!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU HUMANS?
Now trying not to look is a lot harder than it was before. I try to keep my gaze on Shizuo, I really do, but as soon as his eyes hood over and he begins to cry out, I find my gaze drifting downwards…
NO! Thou shalt not look! DO NOT LOOK!
OH MY GOD I'M LOOKING AND I'M NOT LOOKING AWAY BECAUSE I CAN'T LOOK AWAY! HELP! HELP! WHAT THE FUCK! POLíCIA!
His finger! Now two fingers! And there's the ring! I knew there was a reason I didn't like that thing! Too quiet, too shiny, and TOO MUCH OF A PARTICIPANT. That traitor!
It's glinting at me one moment, and then it's gone the next. Each time it goes in, Shizuo lets out a different sound. I slide down Izaya's slippery nose, and YES please god, let me fall off somewhere to die in peace! But no, Izaya pushes me back up with his other hand and continues what he's doing on Shizuo.
"Ice in da box, let da shorties know I'm realz yo erreday," I hear Bow Tie faintly in the background.
The raven leans down and begins licking Shizuo's length. I know for a fact that this has never happened before. Well, Izaya has performed a blowjob before (oral sex is his favorite, remember?), but never with this finger thing. And apparently, it's all too much for Shizuo, because I suddenly hear him shout, and-
The leather bonds break as he sits up fast, and Izaya quickly pulls his fingers out and scrambles backwards to the head of the bed. Shizuo follows, crawling over before freezing and wiggling his hips slightly.
What is he doing?
The blond looks back at his butt with wide eyes, wiggling his hips from side to side, much to Izaya's amusement. Shizuo turns slowly and shouts at Izaya, pointing at his hand. Izaya brings it up to his face, his laughter cutting off as he freezes.
The ring is gone.
THE RING IS GONE, WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT TRAITOR GO?
And then Shizuo points at his ass, still yelling at Izaya. And I finally figure it out.
The traitor is up Shizuo's asshole.
Izaya is not reacting like I thought he would be. He should be running for his life, but instead, he is completely still in shock. He's still looking at his hand.
And then he moves.
For some reason, his first instinct is not to flee, but to grab Bow Tie off the table and hold him up to his ear.
"Watchu doin, fool?" Bow Tie stops his rap to question Izaya. Izaya shakes Bow Tie a little, listening intently again. "Uhhh," Bow Tie trails off, as confused as I am.
Shizuo lunges at Izaya when the raven continues to ignore him. Izaya, finally come back to his senses, shoots off the bed in panic. Shizuo's hands barely miss the edge of Jacket, and I fall onto the mattress as Izaya runs from the scene with Bow Tie still in hand. Shizuo follows, leaving me behind as their shouts fade away somewhere else in the building. And then they're gone, probably fighting in the streets somewhere, half-naked and spoiling a perfectly good day for innocent children everywhere.
"Aaaand cut!" screams Video Camera. "Not what I was expecting, but brilliant!"
"WHAT JUST HAPPENED?" the shoes shout in unison from the next room. I'm trying to figure it out myself. My mind's still reeling, but I somehow manage to answer them accurately.
"Izaya's ring got stuck in Shizuo's ass!" I shout back, hoping I won't have to repeat myself to those obnoxious deaf souls.
There's a moment of calm, and I think that for once that they understood me, and are just too shocked to reply.
"OH HOW EMBARASSING!"
"I CAN'T BELIEVE IZAYA'S THING GOT STUCK, AND THEN SHIZUO SCARED HIM OFF WITH HIS GAS!"
Shizuo comes back a few hours later without Izaya. Meaning that guy is still out there, ruining the world with his scrawny nakedness.
Shizuo somehow managed to find some clothes while he was gone, but the pants are too small on him. The first thing he does is take a shower, and then pull on his normal pants that were still crumpled on the bedroom floor. I wonder if the ring is still… you know. He picks me up tiredly and reaches for Bow Tie, only then realizing Izaya still has him.
Poor Bow Tie. Wherever he is, I hope he's at least finally clean.
Video Camera ran out of batteries a while ago, which was nice and quiet at first, but then I got lonely. So I'm basically ecstatic when Shizuo brings me back into the main room, where the other objects I can talk to are resting.
I notice that Switchblade isn't on the table anymore. Izaya must have grabbed him on his way out. The front door is off its hinges, but besides that, the room is how it looked during dinner.
Shizuo puts Kettle on the stove, going over to the couch sleepily. He eyes the television judgmentally as it plays an infomercial for jewelry. He picks up Remote Control, and then shoves Left Show off of the cushions so that he can sit down.
"OUCH! WATCH IT!" Left Shoe yells as he tumbles away. Shizuo jumps up and looks around the room. After a few seconds, he mumbles something and rubs his eyes, settling back down on the couch and pressing Remote Control.
"CLICK!" Remote Control screams. Shizuo jumps again and looks at the object in his hand. He presses again. "CLICK!"
Shizuo throws Remote Control at the ground, jumping onto the couch. None of us makes a sound. The clock ticks, ticks, ticks, ticks,
"TEEEEEEA! WOOOOHOOO! I LOVE TEAAAA!" Kettles shouts. Shizuo jumps again, this time falling off the back of the couch and hitting his head on the floor. He yells, jumping up and spinning around as Kettle continues to scream.
"HEELLOOOO! TIME TO DRINK TEA! ANYONE HOOOOOOME?"
"Oww, I think he broke my power button," whines Remote Control from the ground. Shizuo looks at it in panic, before running over to take Kettle off the stove. Kettle stops screaming, and Shizuo looks at it disbelievingly.
"Took you long enough, I thought my glass was gonna break," I grumble, more to myself than him, because obviously he can't- "WOAH!" I'm ripped away from Shizuo's face, and I find him looking down at me in horror.
"Umm…" I say. There's no way he can hear me, right? "Hello?"
Shizuo blinks down at me and says something.
"Can you understand me?" I ask, feeling a bit stupid. Shizuo says something else, but I can't understand it. He can't possibly understand me, otherwise I would be able to understand him too, right? That's only fair, but I can't be too sure…
"I can't understand what you're saying. Nod your head if you can hear me," I try.
This is stupid.
There's no way.
He can't possibly.
But then Shizuo nods his head.
"OH MY GOD! HOW? WHY? WHEN? YOU!" I shout, unable to control my emotions. Shizuo drops me. "OW! WHAT THE FUCK! PICK ME UP!"
Shizuo quickly does as he's told, cringing slightly when he bends down. The ring must still be stuck in him. Which means the ring must be doing this. The ring has given him the power to understand us.
That's why Izaya was so nice to us! Wow, what a great guy! He's so wonderful! All those things he did for us! All those times he-
That cruel, vicious, bastard of an exhibitionist! HE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME HOW MUCH TORTURE THEY WERE PUTTING US THROUGH EVERYTIME THEY HAD SEX.
But I'll think about that later.
"HEY! SHOES!" I shout. "SHIZUO CAN UNDERSTAND US!"
"SHIZUO WANTS TO BRAND US?" shouts Right Shoe.
"WHAT IS THIS, THE EARLY 1800'S?" adds Left Shoe.
Shizuo jumps again, drops me, picks me up, looks around, and then he faints.
"Well," Remote Control says. "That didn't turn out half as well as it could have."
I knew there was something wrong with that ring.
A/N: Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. That was not funny at all. I am so sorry. Let me know what you think, because I'm seriously wondering why I uploaded this. This chapter just didn't have enough dialogue from the shoes, I think. There will be much more humor in the next chapter... if there is one.
Oh, and if you aren't familiar with shizayaconfessions, this was based on an anon's comment: I'm just waiting until someone writes a fic about Izaya fingering Shizuo and losing his ring inside.