A/N: So I've discovered that what little talent I have, lies in writing dialogue drabbles.
Disclaimer: If I owned iCarly, I wouldn't have fucked it up like Dan did.
She's a beautiful mess
The kind you love to love
But what happens next
I got a feeling when the sun comes up
'What on earth would a newborn baby girl need a baseball bat for?'
'Must you always ask stupid questions? She needs it to protect herself from the idiots living in this world!'
'Oh, by idiots do you mean someone who wants to give their daughter a bat?'
'Don't push me Fredward, I may be nine months pregnant, but you know I can still kill you with one finger.'
'Do you plan on teaching Marissa that as well?'
'I plan on teaching Shay all my secrets.'
'God help us all.'
'You know, I'm starting to think you're worrying about my parenting methods.'
'What gave it away? Was it when I started praying when I heard you tell her stories about the time you spent in juvie and how you hoped she'd 'follow in her momma's footsteps?'
'It's better than the stupid bunny story you read her.'
'Excuse me, but that's the story my mother you used to read me.'
'And you actually made the animal noises.'
'Excuse me, but that's what my mother used to do with me.'
'That explains it.'
'Do you really want to know?'
'Your insults don't sting so much when you're carrying my child.'
'Is it because I'm fat?'
'You told me I was sexy.'
'You are sexy.'
'Yes, I know I'm sexy. You don't have to tell me.'
'I'm just agreeing with you.'
'Then why are you calling me fat?'
'I never called you fat.'
'Yes you did!'
'I DID NOT. YOU'RE JUST PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH.'
'Well fuck you. You should buy a lubricant because you're not getting sex for a while.'
'You haven't had sex with me for a month!'
'IT'S BECAUSE I'M FAT!'
'Come on Sam, you know you're beautiful.'
'Oh, so you agree that I'm fat?'
'Of course not.'
'Why the hell are you lying? I'm nine months pregnant; I know I'm fat. Are you scared of hurting my feelings or something? Because if that's the case, I'll kill you.'
'I can never win, can I?'
'Aww baby, I'd get used to it if I were you.'
'I learned how to get used to it the day I married you.'
'Why are you snorting?'
'Oh sweet, precious, boy, you think that's when you started getting used to it?'
'Fine! I've been whipped since the day I met you. Happy?'
'I know what immensely means Freddie.'
'Just checking. Can we please do what we came here to do?'
'I thought we came here to buy Shay a bat?'
'NO. We came here to buy Marissa the basic necessities.'
'You're such a horrible father Freddie. Don't you know you need to buy such things in advance?'
'YOU WERE THE ONE WHO USED TO TACKLE ME EVERYTIME I TRIED TO GO OUT AND BUY SOMETHING.'
'Well this child is a Puckett, I needed to be there to make sure you didn't buy her any nubby Benson things.'
'She's a Benson.'
'Sam, you're Mrs. Benson now, there is no Puckett.'
'YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY PREGNANCY HORMONES AND FORCED ME TO CHANGE MY NAME.'
'I did not force you, you did it out of my love.'
'Can you keep your voice down? My rep is getting ruined…'
'I assumed it got ruined the day you married me.'
'Shh, the people here don't know that!'
'Look, can we just get this over with? The more people see me with you…'
'Boy, you really do love yelling my name. Bet you miss doing that in bed huh?'
'Of all the things you've done to me, withholding sex has got to be the worst.'
'You're just a horny, little bastard.'
'I'm the horny one?'
'Sex got us into this situation! I now have to push a ten pound baby out of my vagina because of you.'
'First of all, it wouldn't be so big if you hadn't eaten for twenty. And second of all, it takes two to tango- OW WHAT WAS THAT FOR?'
'Obviously this is your fault, so don't even try.'
'Wow, I wonder how cranky you're going to be when you're in labor. Don't worry though, I asked Carly to bring a first aid kit for me.'
'I won't be cranky; I'll be getting an epidural. Obviously.'
'WE AGREED THAT YOU'LL GIVE BIRTH TO MARISSA THE NATURAL WAY.'
'We agreed on no such thing for Shay.'
'Oh look Freddie! A mini bat! We can hide this in her stroller.'
'WE ARE NOT GETTING OUR DAUGHTER A BAT.'
'At least not before we get her some diapers.'
'I said diapers Sam, not beer.'
'I haven't drank in nine months Freddie. And if this baby is a whiner like you, I need booze.'
'Would you like me to get some to the hospital for you?'
'That's the best thing you have said all day.'
'That was sarcasm.'
'Really? Well it sucked.'
'Fine, can we get her a stroller then?'
'We have a stroller.'
'No, you ruined it when you dragged around twelve whole hams in it.'
'Fredward Benson! What is the point of having a stroller if you can't use it to carry your stuff?'
'That stroller was for Marissa. Not a way for you to be lazy.'
'Well Shay doesn't mind.'
'How about this stroller? It's got aerodynamic wheels.'
'No daughter of mine is prancing around in a pink stroller.'
'It's not such a big deal.'
'It sure is a big deal. I like this one.'
'Sam, that stroller can fit three kids in it.'
'Exactly. We can buy her the normal sized bat.'
'Oh fuck me, in a few days, I will have to deal with two of you.'
'A dream come true, isn't it?'
'SAMATHA BENSON! PUT THAT HAM DOWN RIGHT NOW! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE DELI MEATS WHILE PREGNANT!'
'I don't think you understand how many ways I've planned to torture you since the first time you told me that.'
'Of course I do, you told me in great detail. All while you were kicking me and throwing tantrums. You do realize that thanks to you, we probably can't have any more kids, right?'
'Your testicles deserved everything they got.'
'I was just looking out for you.'
'YOU FED ME TOFU AND VEGETABLES FOR THE PAST NINE MONTHS. WHAT ON EARTH MAKES YOU THINK THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY?'
'Marissa's health depended on it.'
'Shay would have loved meat!'
'I let you wear your meat patches. What more do you want?'
'I wanted you not to put an alarm on the fridge!'
'Can you blame me for not trusting you? YOU STUFFED TWELVE HAMS IN A STROLLER. THANK GOD I FOUND YOU IN TIME.'
'Well I hope you're happy Freddie. Because that is it, no more sex. EVER.'
'Oh Sam, I'd be terrified if you weren't full of crap.'
'I'm full of crap thanks to your shitty diet.'
'Can we just do what we came here to do?'
'Yes, let me get the bat.'
'Fine, let me get bacon then.'
'YOU ARE STILL PREGNANT SAM!'
'It's for Shay.'
'Oh what now?'
'You can't feed a newborn baby bacon.'
'Why the fuck not?'
'Cause it's a newborn baby!'
'YOU CANNOT FEED HER BACON SAM.'
'I'll mash it up and put it in her milk.'
'It sounds lovely actually. I want some right now.'
'What? I'm going to have it with milk. Not healthy enough for you?'
'Can we just get the diapers?'
'Oh don't worry, Shay won't need diapers.'
'You heard me.'
'All kids need diapers.'
'Not my kid. Puckett's are fast learners. You should know that by now'
'Oh fuck no. You are not allowed to give me a seductive look when we're having a serious conversation about diapers.'
'Oh fine, get the damn diapers. You are changing her though.'
'A BABY IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SHARED RESPONSIBILTY.'
'You change the diapers, I'll teach her how to pick a lock.'
'I will not allow you to teach Marissa to be a criminal.'
'But Fredward, you're supposed to love Shay no matter what she chooses as a career path.'
'I must say, watching you bang your head against that wall is giving me great pleasure.'
'Two of you. Two of you.'
'If I didn't know any better, I'd say you went through hell these past few months.'
'I've been in hell since sixth grade.'
'Would you like to repeat that Fredward?'
'How about we get her some clothes?'
'Freddie, she already has more clothes than me and you combined and she's not even born yet. Does she really need more?'
'Of course Sam, you should know by now how fast clothes get dirty.'
'We should get her a MMA shirt!'
'They don't sell MMA shirts for newborns Sam.'
'How would you know?'
'I checked alright? Don't tell my mom.'
'We can get her a normal one and wrap her in it. It would go well with the bat.'
'We're not getting the bat.'
'You're buying these jalapenos.'
'I don't have a choice, you're already eating them.'
'I don't think spicy food is very healthy for Marissa.'
'Can it Benson.'
'Also, can you please stop dragging me around. Wal-Mart is very big.'
'I'm the one carrying a child.'
'Please chew with your mouth closed. We need to teach our baby manners from an early age.'
'Manners. That'll happen.'
'You piss me off.'
'That didn't stop you from getting me pregnant.'
'I think you lost control of your bladder…'
'Well fuck. They said this might happen.'
'That's a lot of pee- oh my God.'
'I told the doctor I could control anything but I guess not.'
'OH MY GOD.'
'We cannot tell the doctor about this.'
'OH MY GOD.'
'Now let's run before someone sees us, I refuse to clean this up.'
'OH MY GOD, YOUR WATER BROKE.'
'Oh thank God, told you the doctor was wrong.'
'OH MY GOD WE NEED TO GO. WE NEED TO GO NOW.'
'You know, I'm not even in any pain. Is this a good sign?'
'RIGHT! JUST CALM DOWN. I GOT THIS.'
'I'm a Puckett, maybe labor won't hurt me much.'
'I'M CALLING THE DOCTOR AND TELLING HER WE'RE COMING.'
'Well if you're going to do that, then tell her to get all the drugs ready. Just in case my Puckett genes don't kick in.'
'OH MY GOD SAM, CAN YOU SHUT UP FOR ONE SECOND AND MOVE FASTER! SHAY IS COMING OUT, AND SHE'S COMING OUT NOW.'
'WHY ARE YOU CRYING? ARE YOU IN PAIN? IS SOMETHING WRONG? WHAT'S HAPPENING SAM?'
'You called her Shay…'
'RIGHT, WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO DISCUSS THIS NOW. LET'S MOVE.'
'WHAT? ARE THE CONTRACTIONS STARTING? HERE, YOU CAN BREAK MY THUMB IF YOU WANT.'
'No you idiot, we forgot Shay's bat.'
A/N: I've heard reviews are sex... or love. You decide.