DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, etc. J.K. Rowling and a bunch of other very rich people do.
The Next Great Annoyance
Hogwarts' graduating class stood around in their caps and gowns before the final graduating ceremony.
"Graduation," Harry mused thoughtfully, "I'm surprised we made it."
"Not all of us did," Seamus pointed out sadly.
"Stop bringing me down," Harry ordered.
"I just don't think it's right to celebrate without remembering everyone who died to bring us this far!" he defended himself hotly.
"He got drunk and fell down the bloody stairs!" Ron burst out.
"Language!" Hermione growled, smacking Ron in the shoulder.
"Oww!" Ron rubbed his shoulder. "You know it's true. Dean got drunk and fell down the stairs – he's not some kind of hero."
"No, just some kind of homo," Lavender muttered when Seamus burst out in tears.
Harry felt a slight tug and groaned as a ghost appeared in front of him.
"Dean!" Seamus exclaimed in shock.
"Seamus you must stop your sinful ways!" the shade intoned.
"What?" Seamus asked his dead lover.
"I burn in the fires infernal for my sins," Dean said gravely.
"Yes homosexuality is a sin and since I died without repenting… I'll burn forever!"
Seamus fell over backwards in a dead faint.
"Homosexuality is a sin?" one of the Creevey brothers asked nervously.
"Nah, I'm just getting back at him for not even mourning for a full bloody month before hopping back in bed with someone else," Dean snorted.
"Must you summon up the shades of our fellow students?" Hermione asked Harry.
"Look, it's not really up to me!" Harry denied. "I'm more of a conduit than anything else; I didn't summon Dean so much as I didn't stop him from returning to sort out unfinished business."
"Using my death as an excuse to not get close to anyone and as a cheap gimmick to seduce gullible men isn't healthy!" Dean declared firmly. "As soon as I've straightened him out a bit I'll be gone."
"So you're going to make him bi?" Ron asked.
Several people whimpered in pain as they tried to follow Ron's train of thought.
"Honey I love you," Hermione said, "but if you stop talking now I'll do that thing you like so much tonight."
Ron's eyes widened and he slapped a hand over his mouth.
"What thing?" Lavender asked curiously.
Hermione blushed. "As far as I can tell he likes everything I do."
"Yet another thing I'll have to repress," Draco said as he made an appearance.
Ron glared at him but didn't say anything.
"Draco," Harry said, lacking any affection but lacking the venom that characterized their earlier years.
"Harry," Draco said. "Still practicing necromancy I see. It's quite unfair that you get a free pass to do that while if I summoned up one measly little shade I'd be labeled a Dark Lord and locked up."
"It's more like the dead can hear the call of the living a lot clearer around me; I don't actually do anything," Harry argued.
"Really?" Draco asked doubtfully. "Severus Snape heed my call!" he intoned melodramatically. "Harry Potter is happy!"
"Harry Potter is happy?" Hermione asked in disbelief. "That's what you think will call back Professor Snape's shade?"
A ghost faded in. "One thousand points from Gryffindor for practicing the necromantic arts!"
The shade of the hated Professor straightened as if a great weight had been removed from him, a blissful expression on his face, before he faded out once more.
"Holy shit it worked!" Draco said in shock as the point counter changed and the banners in the great hall switched to black and yellow.
Headmistress McGonagall cut through the milling students. "Mr. Potter, why did the wards tell me Severus appeared, took points, and vanished?"
"It was his last unfinished business," Harry replied with a shrug. "After he took points his ghost moved on."
"Are you claiming he was so petty he came back from the dead just to take points from you?"
"I could summon him up and you can ask if you like," Harry offered.
"I'll vouch for him if it helps," Draco added.
McGonagall sighed. "I now know why Albus always ate alcohol laced lemon drops," she said before shaking her head and leaving.
"Annoy Scarhead and drive McGonagall to drink, well my work here is done!" Draco announced cheerfully and left.
Susan Bones popped up in front of Harry and buried him in breasts for a bewildering minute before vanishing back to the Hufflepuff section.
"I didn't hear a word she said," Harry admitted once he'd recovered from his hormonal surge.
"She said thanks and something about apologizing for not believing you when you said Hufflepuff would win the house cup this year," Hermione replied suspiciously. "She seemed to be under the impression that you did it just for her."
"Luna told me Hufflepuff would win the house cup one night last month," Harry said. "I'd had a couple of drinks that night, so when I ran into Susan I told her I'd make sure we ended in Hufflepuff house colors, just for her."
"Luna, Susan, Fleur..." Hermione said, counting off girls she'd noticed his interest in. "You like blondes!" she accused.
"What about Ginny?" Ron asked. "Or Cho for that matter?"
"Yes, I have a thing for blondes," Harry admitted. "But that's not all I want in a woman, I have other interests you know, even if I do have a weakness for blondes."
"Does this have anything to do with when Mrs. Malfoy drug you off to torture you during the war?" Ron asked.
"Torture?" Hermione exclaimed.
"I believe I also told you not to say anything to anyone," Harry growled.
"Oops!" Ron said wincing. "Well, my therapist said it's best to talk things out."
"Aberforth is not a therapist, he's a bartender," Harry said flatly.
"Same difference," Ron waved it off.
"What kind of injuries did he have?" Hermione asked suspiciously, knowing something was off in Harry's reaction.
"His back was all scratched up and he had bruises all over his neck," Ron said.
Hermione groaned. "Let me guess; Harry also was covered in sweat, looked exhausted and his lips were puffy."
"Yeah, how'd you know?" Ron asked.
Hermione ignored Ron and glared at Harry. "That's why you saved Draco?"
"Didn't hurt," Harry admitted. "Dumbledore asked me to save him, Snape asked me to save him, he actually helped us against Voldemort... Cissi really was just the sugar on top."
"And gave you an interest in blondes?" she groaned.
"Please," Harry scoffed. "I'm not that juvenile. Gabrielle gave me an interest in blondes, because I want a daughter just that adorable. Fleur later added a little more interest, as she warmed up to me and Luna pretty much cinched it just being her."
"And I suppose Susan's breasts had nothing to do with it?" Hermione asked dryly.
"The thing that stands out most about Susan isn't her rack, it's what's behind it. She has a warm and caring heart. If you wanted me to name a physical feature that attracted me to her more than her smile, it would be legs and in Hufflepuff it's a neck and neck contest between Susan and Hannah as to who has the best pins, so don't you dare sell her short just because she has large breasts; she is a damn fine woman!"
Susan had returned just in time to catch Harry's speech and had brought Hannah with her and the two spent several minutes showing Harry just how much they appreciated what he'd said, before slipping a key in his pocket and leaving.
"You have eyes in the back of your head don't you?" Hermione asked suspiciously.
"Close," Harry replied as he wiped lipstick off his face with a handkerchief. "I've got my glasses charmed to show who's behind me at a glance. Constant vigilance!"
"If you're into blondes how come you never hit on me?" Lavender demanded.
"You snogged Ron," Harry said flatly.
"Hey!" Ron complained.
"That means I could never date you without stepping on Ron's toes; it's a guy thing," he explained.
"Oh!" Ron quieted down.
"And Neville dating Ginny?" Lavender asked.
"He's more in love with her than he is friends with me and he's a damn good friend," Harry said cheerfully.
"They do make a cute couple don't they?" she said with a smile before going to talk with the Patil sisters.
"Your eyes should be brown," Hermione said flatly.
"I'm serious," Harry said.
"About why you won't date Lavender?" she returned skeptically.
"Partially. It's part of the guy code that I'd have to ask Ron first," Harry admitted. "But seriously, Neville is a damn good friend and since he started dating Ginny without asking me first, he went on an impossible quest to prove himself."
"I thought you didn't want to date her because she had a big mouth?" Ron asked.
"That too," Harry agreed. "But just because I don't want to date her doesn't mean I want to hurt her feelings."
"Fair enough," Hermione admitted. "So what was the impossible quest?" she asked, wanting to change the subject.
"I've been playing with alternate foci," Harry said. "So I got him to make me a living tattoo."
"Living tattoo," Hermione said absently as she sorted through what she knew of the subject. "Druidic spell focus that died out with them, because the plants needed to make the ink were rare and difficult to grow. Plus the foci was limited to spells involving plants. I believe several of the plants needed are actually extinct now."
"Yep," Harry agreed.
"Why an impossible quest?" Hermione asked, wondering if Harry had been more upset about Neville dating Ginny than he admitted.
"Several reasons but the important thing is; he did it!" Harry said with a grin.
Before Hermione could press him for answers McGonagall called everyone to attention and began the ceremony.
Sheepskin in his left hand and room key in his right, Harry entered the room and immediately noticed that the cooling charms on the room were broken, because Susan and Hannah had both had to remove quite a lot of clothes to make themselves comfortable and he was beginning to feel more than a little warm himself.
As he moved forward, tossing aside his robe, he passed through what felt like a layer of cobwebs and he found himself standing in the middle of a ritual circle in the forest with his shirt unbuttoned and his pants around his ankles.
A lot of the people surrounding him looked more than a little familiar too. He pulled his pants up and snapped his fingers, conjuring a lit cigarette – a trick he'd learned solely for the purpose of impressing girls. Taking a drag he blew a stream of smoke out and considered his options.
"I'm trying to be calm and reasonable," Harry said. "Really, I am. However I was about to have a threesome with two dynamite blondes when you summoned me here, so you can see my dilemma."
"I am-" a white bearded mage began.
"Albus 'too many middle names to count' Dumbledore," Harry interrupted. "Summoned to fight a great evil, let's skip the obvious and get to the part where you restore the threesome you stole from me."
"Who?" one of the wizards blurted out curiously.
"Abbot and Bones," Harry said with a grin.
There was some arguing from the outer circle and two men stepped forward. "We swear by our magic to ..." the pair both gritted their teeth like they were saying something painful and continued, "do all in our power to … recreate your threesome if you honestly listen to the circle's proposal."
"So we swear," everyone chorused and a flare of blue light came from all within the circle to seal their vow.
Harry blinked in surprise. "Okay I'll listen."
Albus started over, "My name is Albus … Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts and we summoned you to prevent a war."
AN: Typing by Godogma!