The Next Great Annoyance Chapter 3
There was a loud crack and Moody appeared. "Aha!" He looked around at everyone. "Did I miss a memo?"
"Evening Alastor," Dumbledore said cheerfully, "I knew you were busy so I didn't invite you."
"Tracking spell?" Harry asked.
"On the bow," Moody admitted, "what are you?"
"World's biggest sucker," Harry replied cheerfully.
"The Master of Death," Albus said with a twinkle in his eyes.
"That explains your animagus form," Moody said, "as well as ignoring being hit with an AK."
Fleur Delacour appeared right above Harry, knocking them both to the ground where she started kissing him.
"So what exactly did he do?" Albus asked.
One explanation and an aquamenti charm later …
"That was very rude," Fleur said wiping water off her face.
"Homina," Harry agreed, his hormones still scrambling his higher brain functions.
"Please climb off our Dark Lord," Dumbledore requested.
"According to the old goat buggerer, I'm a Dark Lord because there is little I won't do to protect the innocent," Harry said, trying to put things in the best light possible.
"And have powerful dark abilities," Dumbledore added cheerfully.
"And who gave them to me without my knowledge or consent?" Harry asked.
"Some other old senile wizard," Dumbledore said with a grin, then frowned slightly as Harry chuckled and he realized what he'd said.
Harry shook his head. "Fine, what do I need to do to get you guys to send me home?"
"You'll help us?"
"I'll help," Harry agreed with a sigh, "but no holding back information; your other self made a habit of never telling me what was going on and just leaving clues everywhere."
"Other self?" Moody asked.
"They kidnapped me from an alternate dimension," Harry explained.
"We used a very precise summoning spell to summon someone who could solve our problems," Dumbledore explained.
"Probably used the rune for ox rather than horse," Harry grumbled.
"Anyway our problems are twofold," the old wizard continued as if Harry hadn't spoken, "we have Thomas Riddle uniting the traditionalists and pushing through laws that are causing a growing rift in the population that will likely lead to a civil war and we have … the Marauders who seem bound and determined to start a war with France."
Harry stared at him in shock for a couple of moments before he recovered. "So I have to take care of Tom and the Marauders?"
"Yes, but not kill!" Dumbledore said quickly. "Killing Tom would make him a martyr and solve nothing, and as for killing the Marauders …" his voice trailed off and he thought about it for a minute, "I've got nothing."
"So I've got to politically neutralize the heir to Slytherin, and find a way to stop the Marauders from … what exactly are they doing anyway?" Harry asked.
"Heir of Slytherin?" Albus asked.
"Thomas Marvolo Riddle, orphaned son of the Gaunt line and direct descendant of Slytherin himself," Harry explained. "You know, Slytherin the wizard who built the Chamber of Secrets and stuck a basilisk in it?"
"The Gaunts have long claimed to be descendants, but no one believed them and they died out years ago. You're saying they actually were descended from Slytherin and Riddle is of their line?" Albus asked.
"And what's this about the Chamber of Secrets and a basilisk?" Moody demanded.
"Merope Gaunt used a love potion on the local squire; Thomas Riddle Senior," Harry explained, "once she was pregnant she thought he'd come to love her and stopped dosing him. End result was she'd died just after naming him and he was raised in an orphanage where he was prosecuted for being different."
"And?" Alastor asked.
"The Chamber of Secrets can only be opened by a parselmouth, which Tom is and has a basilisk sleeping inside waiting for one of the Slytherin line to call it forth. Huge bastard too."
Everyone stared at him in horror.
"What?" he asked.
"There is a huge basilisk sleeping under a school filled with children and you don't think that's horrifying?" Albus asked.
"I killed it in my second year with the Sword of Gryffindor and the help of Fawkes. If I could handle it as a second year I'm sure you can handle it easily."
"Maybe my other self wasn't as crazy as I thought," Dumbledore mused thoughtfully on making another student into the type of powerhouse that could take out a monster like that.
"No! Bad headmaster! No torturing children for the greater good!" Harry exclaimed.
"Fine, fine," Dumbledore said.
"Why didn't you just bring a rooster?" Alastor asked
"All the ones at school were dead and Riddle had kidnapped a first year to sacrifice to bring himself back to life. I brought the defense instructor, but Gilderoy Lockheart turned out to be a fake, taking credit for other people's accomplishments."
"And you didn't have a quill on you?" Minerva asked.
"What good would a quill do?" Harry asked, obviously confused.
"Quill to cockarel transmutation, it's a third year lesson in transfiguration, but with a basilisk running loose in the school I'm sure the second years could have learned it."
"You taught us tortoise to teacup and mouse to snuffbox but never quill to cockarel," Harry replied, "anyway, end result dead snake, dead dark lord, live stalker."
"Live stalker?" Minerva asked.
"Ginny Weasley decided that since I had saved her that we were meant to be and stalked me for the rest of my school career."
"Usually the knight in shining armor marries the damsel in distress," Dumbledore said.
"If I married everyone I saved there would be few people male or female not named Potter!" he replied.
"Fine, then the first damsel you rescued!" a female voice called out.
"That would be when I attacked a troll to save Hermione Granger first year," Harry replied, "she's more like a bossy older sister to me and has hooked up with Ron Weasley anyway."
"We didn't have any troll problems," Albus said, "but the basilisk is probably something we need to deal with, how do you open the Chamber of Secrets?"
"Go to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and hiss open in parseltongue to the sinks, one will swing inward revealing the entrance," Harry replied, rolling his eyes at the gasps and mutters of dark magic.
"Parseltongue?" Fleur asked.
"Snake speaker," Harry replied, "I stole it from Thomas Riddle when he hit me in the face with the killing curse as a child."
"Ah, like the doctors, oui?" she asked.
"Yeah," Harry agreed, "but the only people who have it locally are more the poisoner types."
"Doctors? Poisoners?" Albus asked.
"Parseltongue speakers seem to have an instinctive grasp on how the human body works, making them excellent assassins as well as doctors so its gotten a bad rap in England," Harry explained, "unlike France where it's considered the hallmark of a good doctor."
One of the surrounding wizards called out, "So French doctors are evil?"
"And this is the light side of the English magical world," Harry said sourly, "is it really any wonder that it gives rise to so many Dark Lords with this much intolerance and bigotry?"
Fleur used this as an excuse to hug him.
Dumbledore looked at the surrounding members of the Order of the Phoenix and shook his head sadly, giving his best disappointed look. With a sigh he turned around... "Aquamenti!"
"Dammit will you stop doing that?"
AN: Typing by Godogma!