Famous Last Words
His body was so broken and fragile. His pale, thin body lay so peaceful under the cover. His cheeks had sunk in and those black circles under his eyes made him look so sick. His spiderlike fingers lay completely still on the covers and his chapped lips where slightly parted. His bony chest rose to slowly fall down again. All you could hear was his breathing and the heart monitors steady beep. I'm scared to touch him. I'm scared of just brushing my fingers over his arm, afraid to hurt him, to break him.
I glanced up as I heard his raspy voice forming a small moan. I took his took his dry, tattooed hand firmly in mine. He turned his head and looked at me with half closed eyes that carried so much pain. A small smile tugged at his faded lips. I smiled lovingly back at him and squeezed his hand.
"Gerard, you should sleep a bit." Frank said with a hoarse voice.
"I won't leave you." I said, a small smile tugged on my lips.
He just nodded and turned his head and faced the white ceiling. A small cough escaped from his mouth and his eyes closed in agony. I felt my eyes tearing up at the sight of my man so defeated and in so much pain. The tears stung behind my eyelids but I needed to stay strong for Frank. Not let the tears reveal the weakness I carried around inside my aching chest.
His hair's abandoned his body and the white pillow looked almost dirty against his bald scalp. His blue, blood filled veins was clearly visible under his thin skin that was close to breaking point. I watched as Frank's breathing became steady. I felt a warm tear slip down on my cheek and I quickly wiped it away. More tears threatened to fall from my watery eyes. He stifled a sob that tried to escape from my dry mouth.
I slightly jumped when a small knock on the wooden door echoed through the room. I turned around when the door slowly opened and a doctor, all dressed in white, came in with a few papers in his hands. He looked at me with a sad smile. But I don't want sad smiles, I want Frank to be okay. I want Frank to be like he was before, like he used to be. Before we had to play hide and seek with a dangerous monster that's growing inside of him and making him weaker with each day, making him slowly waste away in a hospital.
I watched as the doctor went up to Frank's bed and replaced the drip that was attached to Frank's thin arm. He gave me one of those pathetic smiles again before he leaves the room, closing the door silently behind him. I sighed deeply and looked down on Frank who was lying completely still in the bed. He looked almost… Dead.
"Frank? Baby? Wake up." I said and took his hand.
"Hi… " He slowly opened his eyes.
"You need to eat." I whispered to him.
"I'm not hungry." He closed his eyes again while a sigh escaped his lips.
"Please Frankie. For me?" I asked weakly. I didn't want to force him to do something he didn't want to do. But I can't let him get any thinner.
He opened his eyes again and looked at me, eyes red and puffy of tiredness. I wanted him to look at me with happiness and strength in his sore eyes. But I knew he couldn't, not at the state he's in.
I knew he wouldn't just give up and waste away like life meant nothing to him. He would fight through this. We would die like an old couple. At least that is what I wanted...
I helped him sit up against his white pillows. He gave out a small moan when I let go of him. He had grown so weak the last couple of months. I gave him the tray and watched as he slowly took the spoon in his slightly parted lips. A minute later he put the spoon away and closed his eyes. He'd only eaten 3 spoons of the soup I got from the cafeteria.
"Why don't you eat some more? Or at least drink some of the water?" I asked him.
"No, I ate for you. It's enough. I can't taste anything other than battery acid." He whispered sadly.
I stayed silent and helped him lay down again. His body relaxed when his head slumped down on the soft pillow. He breathed out and slowly opened his eyes. He looked so sad when his big hazel orbs looked up at me. I faint smiled tugged on my lips as stared into those beautiful hazel eyes. If I looked to long into those I would get lost and drown, and never be able to get back. So I leaned forward and carefully pecked his chapped lips.
I got up from my seat and slowly walked to the bathroom that was connected with the room Frank was sleeping in. I kept the door open if something would happen to him while I was inside. I placed myself in front of the mirror and rested my hands on the shiny white porcelain sink. Dark blue circles had started to build under my tired eyes. Well I haven't slept almost anything the last couple of days because I wanted to be awake if Frank would have a seizure. I splashed some water in my face to make myself look a bit more awake. I dried my hand on some paper and walked back to Frank's bed.
I carefully rubbed my thumb over his thin hand and watched his chest rise and fall. He would sleep almost through every day and he ate less. Those spider-like fingers had become even thinner. He slowly opened his eyes and blinked a few times to get them adjusted to the light. He gently bent his head and looked at me with sad eyes. His breathing became slower and so did his heart.
"Gee, it's time." He whispered.
He closed his eyes again and felt tears burning behind my eyes. This time I couldn't stay strong. A few warm tears slowly made their way down my cheek. I stood up and smoothly stroked his bare scalp as I moved his arm from his side. More tears pour down from my eyes as I lay down in the white, stiff hospital bed.
Small tears ran down Frank's face, they were silent, but contained so much pain and fear. Fear of the unknown. He often told me he was afraid of death, that he didn't want to die since he doesn't know what coming after. I would usually look straight into his eyes and tell him that death isn't dangerous, I would tell him that it's like sleeping, but you can't wake up.
But how will I survive without him? He was the one who made me happy, he helped me through my darkest times, my most painful moments in my entire life, what will happen when he's gone? I don't know how I will survive without him. Because I need him to be complete.
I already knew he didn't want to die alone, so I slowly laid down beside him and took his small hand in mine, squeezing it gently. I pulled him closer to me and kissed his eyelids, his nose and then his lips. I clung to him like a child do to their moms.. Tears fell freely down onto his scalp. I let out a few shaky sobs and buried his face in the crook of my neck. I could barely feel his breath against my skin.
"Gee... I'm not scared anymore."