Okay. A couple of disclaimers. Firstly, Bleach is not, has not been, and will never be mine. Second, this was made a couple of years ago, and I just rediscovered it and am posting it on a whim. It's complete and total crack, to put it lightly. There's a couple more written, which I'll post if people actually end up liking this. Oh, and Hotaru is a friend of mine (I'm known as Amaya in this fic). Also, FF messed up the spacing. Okay, I think that's all...LET THE CRACK-FEST BEGIN!
Amaya: Hii, it's me, Amaya! Guess who just had a mocha that was the largest size Starbucks had? :D Annnyway, I'm taking advantage of my temporary insanity to prank call a "Bleach" character! Yay!
Hotaru: Hey there! My name is Hotaru. You know what's awesome! Fire. Fire is cool. K?
Me: She's new to this, so be nice and no killing her, k?
Hotaru: Yes please. Listen to Amaya. If you don't, I might get mad.
Amaya: But you'd be dead! :)
Amaya: :D Anyway, this is my first prank call! Me hopies you likeies! Remember to review if you like! Then we might do more if Hotaru doesn't die!
Hotaru: Dying is not in my life plan... that might not work...
Amaya: Be quiet Hotaru! *smacks Hotaru*
Hotaru: …. *WHAAAAAA WHAAAA*
Amaya: *Puts a hand over Hotaru's mouth* Okay, so today we're gonna call Hisagi-fukutaichou!
Hotaru: OH! He has a funny name!
Amaya: Fukutaichou isn't his name, silly! It means lieutenant!
Hotaru: *not listing and trying to pronounce name* Fuki- Fukutar- Fuko- Fukutaichow-
Amaya: HOTARU! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
Hotaru: Not really. Would you like me to?
Amaya: *Picks up "Soul Society's Yellow Pages" and hits Hotaru with it*
Hotaru: I thought those were for looking up soul pager numbers. I didn't know it was a weapon. Can I try?
Amaya: Nope! Cuz then I'd have to kill you! *pulls out meat cleaver* Kk?
Hotaru: … Yes ma'am. :(
Amaya: Mkay. So, today we're gonna call Hisagi Shuuhei, and reveal his deepest darkest secret.
Hotaru: His name just changed. Is that normal?
Amaya: Fukutaichou isn't his name! It's his title! Like King George's name was George!
Hotaru: Ohhh! Why wasn't I alerted before?
Hotaru: That's not nice. Someone needs to teach you some manners. But anyways, can we call now?
Amaya: But you don't know what secret we're trying to expose!
Hotaru: That was your cue to tell me!
Amaya: *Sighs.* Fine. We're gonna reveal...THAT HE'S A BALLERINA! *dramatic music plays*
Hotaru: OOHHH! O_o
Amaya: Cuz, he totally is. I have proof!
Hotaru: Share proof! Share proof!
Amaya: That's a secret. But he leaps around.
Hotaru: Well, frogs technically le-
Amaya: FROGS DO NOT LEAP. THEY JUMP.
Hotaru: I have heard people say that frogs leap!
Amaya: I have heard people say that jumping off a cliff is a good idea. Are they right?
Hotaru: Then what about toads?
Amaya: Toads are fat idiotic poisonous things.
Hotaru: Aren't we negative today! Did someone get up on the wrong side of bed?
Amaya: Did we forget about Mr. Meat Cleaver? *lifts meat cleaver threateningly* Mr. Meat Cleaver is our friend...well at least my friend...}:)
Hotaru: Sorry ma'am!
Amaya: Anyway, dial his number and we can get started.
Hotaru: Ok whatever. *dials number* Do I press the little green button now? Or does it just call by itself?
Amaya: I forgot! We need to hook up a secret camera so we can watch this!
Hotaru: Not answering question...
Amaya: Push that blue button over there first, then push the green button on the phone.
Hotaru: Got it! *presses blue button, then green one*
Amaya: Yay! *opens laptop* *see Hisagi in his room answering the phone on the laptop screen*
Hotaru: You has pretty laptop! *like not into the phone cuz that would be weird*
Amaya: Thanks! Her name is Zinnia!
Hisagi: *answering phone* Hello?
Hotaru: Hai Hai! My name is.. uh.. *to Amaya* should i have a fake name?
Amaya: *to Hotaru* Yes! Your name is Baka!
Hotaru: *continuing call* Ms. Bakanami! Are you interested in our special offer today?
Hotaru: Yes! We are offering a great price on our ballet shoes! Buy one at half pr-
Hisagi: What! Why do I need ballet shoes?
Amaya: Because we have heard that you are a ballerina of course!
Hisagi: Wait.. how many people-
Hotaru: That's right!
Amaya: *creepy voice* we know EVERYTHING about you, Shuuhei...
Hisagi: Who is this?
Hotaru: I told you. We are selling ballet slippers. Use your ears.
Amaya: We know you want them, Shuuhei...
Hisagi: Okay, maybe I do need a new pair. BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME AND MY SECRET PASSION?
Hotaru: Trust me. We know everything about you Shuuhei.
Amaya: *creepy voice again* EVERYTHING, Shuuhei...
Hisagi: Um.. I think that I'm gonna hang up so-
Hotaru: No! You would hang up on the ones who know everything about you? Think about it Shuuhei.
Amaya: We could do anything to you, remember...anything...
Hotaru: We could hurt you Shuuhei. Remember that. Don't do anything that would make us mad.
Hisagi: *screams like a little girl*
Amaya: O.o *to Hotaru* He...screams like that?
Hotaru: He even screams like a ballerina.
Hisagi: *is running around his room screaming* MOMMY! MOMMY!
Hotaru: I wouldn't do that if I were you. You would seem more mature if you just sat down instead of running and screaming.
Hisagi: YOU CAN SEE ME? WHERE ARE YOU? *starts hitting the walls and screaming some more*
Hotaru: Hmm. Haven't we already told you? We know everything about you. Everything.
Amaya: And we can do anything...anything...
Hotaru: So would you like to sit down and listen to us now? If you don't, it might make us mad.
Amaya: Really mad.
Hisagi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA D:
Hotaru: You're not sitting. This could present some problems.
Amaya: Mr. Meat Cleaver hasn't cut anybody up for weeks...
Hisagi: WEEKS! YOUR MEAT CLEAVER HAS KILLED SOMEONE IN THE PAST FEW WEEKS! WHO ARE YOU!
Amaya: Someone? As in, just one person?
Hisagi: *hyperventilating* Please... I'll do whatever you want... please don't hurt me...
Amaya: *To Hotaru* He panics easily, doesn't he?
Hotaru: *to Amaya* he really does. It's slightly disappointing.
Amaya: There's gotta be something that really scares him tho. *into the phone* Shuuhei...we will make you relive your worst fears...
Hisagi: You know what those are... Oh...
Hotaru: Is that what you want Shuuhei? Do you want that?
Hisagi: Please no...please don't send in a drunk Hitsugaya! ANYTHING BUT HITSUGAYA-TAICHOU DRUNK!
Hotaru: *holding in laughter, to Amaya* He has got to be kidding. This is better than I thought It would be!
Amaya: *looks at laptop screen and sees Hisagi running around barricading doors and panicking* Um, he's not kidding...*stifles laughter*
Hotaru: *into phone* SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW!
Hisagi: *AIEEE!* YES MA'AMS
Amaya: *picks up another phone* *dials* Hey, Rangiku? It's Amaya. Mmhm. Yup. Hey, could you do me a favor? *winks at Hotaru* Yeah, just a little. He's so small after all. K. Thanks! Bye! *hangs up*
Hotaru: OOH! What did Amaya tell Rangiku?
Amaya: *puts hand over receiver* Hotaru-chan, what's Hisagi's worst fear?
Hotaru: A drunk Hitsugaya...
Amaya: Who has the most sake in Soul Society?
Hotaru: Rangiku! ^_^
Amaya: Exactly. Let's just say there will be a "surprise" in little Toshiro's snack...
Hotaru: OOH! O_o
Amaya: *uncovers receiver* Shuuhei?
Hisagi: Ye- Ye- Yes?
Amaya: *creepy voice* You want these slippers...
Hisagi: I do.. I do want those..
Amaya: Hisagi...do you know of the rule of "Equivalent Exchange"?
Hisagi: Equival- Equivalant- Exchange...
Amaya: If you can't say it, shut up. We run our shop on a similar basis to the shop of Yuko-san in xxxHOLiC...are you familiar with Yuko-san?
Hisagi: Yes. Yes I am...
Amaya: Not the Yuko from 7th Division. The space-time witch? The one who says that there must always be a price? *sighs* Okay, what about FMA? You know FMA?
Hisagi: Yes. I know what you are talking about...
Amaya: Then you should know what we're talking about...
Hisagi: W-what is the price?
Hotaru: You really really want them right?
Hisagi: Yes.. Yes I really do...
Hotaru: Very well. You shall put on a performance in front of all Soul Society. But not any performance. You must present your ballet skills to all Soul Society. Wearing a pink tutu and ballet slippers. As you know, in Yuko's shop, you can't change your mind.
Amaya: *to Hotaru* You'd know all about not changing your mind -_-
Hotaru: I'm trying to put that behind me! Don't bring it up again! *into phone* Don't protest. That is what you must do
Amaya: *to audience* She sold her luck for a skateboard.
Hotaru: And then I discovered that I needed that luck. But anyway. It's okay I guess.
Hisagi: Do I...do I have to? My normal pink tutu is at the cleaners...I only have the one with s-sparkles and rainbow stitching...
Hotaru: Don't worry. That will do.
Amaya: *whispers* sparkles and rainbow stitching?
Hotaru: *whispering to Amaya* I can't believe that he has that either.
Amaya: *into phone* Okay, go put on your show! *hangs up* *turns to Hotaru* Come on, get your soul reaper disguise on and let's go!
Hotaru: Of course!
Amaya: *opens a senkaimon* Don't forget your video camera!
Hotaru: Of course I wouldn't!
~Later in Soul Society~
Amaya: ….oh my cheesesticks...
Hotaru: I like cheesesticks! You has cheesesticks?
Amaya: Shut up and look at him!
Hisagi: *dances to "the dance of the sugarplum faeries"*
Soul Society: *laughing hysterically*
Yamamoto:I haven't laughed this much since I heard the Trojans say "It's just a giant wooden horse, what harm could it do?"!
Hotaru: BEST DAY EVER!
Hitsugaya: *slurred speech* Ma...Matsumotooo...that wasn't tea...
Hotaru: THANK YOU RANGIKU!
Rangiku: *walks over and high fives me* It worked so much better than I thought it would!
Hisagi: O_o Oh.. Is that...
Hitsugaya: *still slurred speech (Rangiku gave him a little more than she had to)* Oy...zat Hisagi? *stumbles over to him* Hizagi...oy, Hizagi...
Hisagi: *AAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE* *runs away*
Hitsugaya: *slurred speech* w-wait... why he run... *stumbles after Hisagi*
Rangiku: Wow. He even screams like a ballerina
Amaya: He really does. *Reaches in her bag to grab another video camera and accidentally pushes a large orange button* O_O uh oh...
Hotaru: Um.. What does the orange button do?
Amaya: *looking quite flustered* Um...I created it on a whim the other day...Hotaru, explain the zodiac curse for me...you know, from "Fruits Basket"...
Hotaru: It's that thing where the family turns into the zodiac animals. And then they turn back into humans. Why?
Amaya: They turn into animals when people of the opposite gender hug or do something like that, right?
Hotaru: Yeah... and..
Amaya: Well...I was kind of having fun...and this works kinda like that on anybody in a tutu...
Hotaru: Oh no...
Momo: Hisagi-kun? Shiro-chan? What's going on?
Hotaru: Well... Problem...
Hisagi: *trips and falls onto Momo* *poof of magical transformation dust*
Momo: *screams* JUSTIN BIEBER IN A TUTU!
Hotaru: Oh my god...
Soul Society: *mix of screams and hysterical laughter* *basically utter chaos*
Amaya: O_o Let's leave...
Hotaru: But I'm having so much fun!
Amaya: Do you really want to be here when the fangirls find out that's its just Shuuhei and when Shuuhei finds out we turned him into Justin Beiber?
Hotaru: Oh my! Look at the time! I must be going now! Amaya! Let's go!
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