The Horror of Discovery
A Deadly Mistakes fanfiction
Master Tigress of the Jade Palace stood, leaning against the wall, arms folded, and looked around the small hotel room. In the room with here were 9 others: Three men, all of whom, oddly enough, wore trench coats, two women, one of whom wore a red dress shirt, and dark jeans, another woman with long orange hair, who was conversing with one of the men, two wolves one a golden colour, the other grey, and two mice, both female. In the center of the room sat a small table upon which sat an open laptop.
"Well," the man wearing the brown trench coat said, after trying the door one last time. "We're stuck in here. The fool boy barricaded the door."
"And he put up an anti-magic ward," another man said, this one exceptionally tall. "Seriously, where did he learn that?"
"I don't know, and I don't really care," Tigress growled.
"Well," the grey wolf said (Tigress recalled him being introduced as "Humphrey"), making his way to the laptop. "I think it's safe to assume he wants us to read this."
Have you ever messed with one of those silly 12-character memes and gotten a "what if character X got character Y pregnant?" question, and then wondered what would have happened if that child was actually born?
The intrepid weirdos of a certain forum did. And this is the RP (found here) they created based on that idea.
You might want to run now.
"Damn straight," the tall man (whom Tigress remembered being referred to as "Harry Dresden") said.
"Oh, how bad could it be?" the mouse in the jumpsuit, whom Tigress recalled as "Gadget" or somesuch, said.
Ancestral Weapon: Kyle's weapon was passed down from Ramirez to Connor MacLeod/Russel Nash to him, Xavier's .38 once belonged to his mother, Word Of God says that Kurgan Junior's broadsword was once her father's (though how she got it and how she knows, we have no idea) and (according to Word Of God) Inochitori's knife is the same knife Madotsuki used.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," the man in the brown trench coat, presumably Connor Macleod, said. "Why would I give him my katana?
"Let's keep moving," Tigress said, scrolling down the page. "The sooner we get done, the sooner we can leave."
Bavarian Fire Drill: Mathew pulls this, pretending to be an FBI agent.
Harry snickered. "I like this guy already."
Cloud Cuckoolander: Mathew.
"That explains the FBI impersonation," Connor said. "No one sane would impersonate an FBI agent."
"Eh, you'd be surprised," Harry replied shrugging. Everyone looked at him for a moment, before turning back to the screen.
Disproportionate Retribution: After Wilson randomly threw up in his house Thaddeus threatened to set him on fire.
"That makes a lot of sense, actually," Tigress and Harry said in unison, only to receive disturbed and horrified looks from the others.
"Aaanyway," Humphrey said, taking control of the mouse. "Let's look at the character page. I wanna get a better idea of who these guys are."
Daughter of The Acid Queen and (duh) The Kurgan; step-sister of Bernie.
Connor, who had been drinking from a flask he had taken out of his coat, promptly did a spit-take, spraying the man with the painted face (whose name Tigress recalled as "Eric Draven"). Eric promptly went for Connor's throat, teeth bared.
"Oh, stop it, both of you," The white mouse in the skimpy outfit said.
"Yeah," Tigress said, still looking at the screen. "Wait…Aren't immortals, y'know, sterile?"
"It's a game," the mouse in the jumpsuit (Tigress believed her name to be "Gadget") said. "So, naturally, there's gonna be some artistic license. Probably with a healthy dose of bullshitting, too."
Son of Pickle Inspector and Two-Bit Matthews.
"Oh yeah," the girl in the sweater (whom Tigress vaguely recalled her being mentioned as "Hermione Granger") said. "I remember that webcomic thing. It's fun!"
"With parents like that, there's nothing ambiguous about it," Connor snickered.
"That's a little biased, man," Eric said disapprovingly.
"Moving on!" Humphrey said, scrolling down.
Owner of the Shady Abortion Clinic.
"Jeez, I wonder how much business his clinic gets with a name like that?" Harry wondered. "Why not like, "The Reputable and Reputable Abortion Clinic"?"
"That's a pleasant image," Tigress muttered.
Son of Master Tigress and Humphrey.
Tigress' jaw dropped, and she looked over at Humphrey, who looked over to the other wolf, who's eye was twitching in a foreboding fashion.
"Kate," Humphrey said, trying to calm her. "Before you say or do anything, remember, it's just a game. It isn't real. I swear to you, it isn't real."
Kate completely ignored him, and looked over at Tigress, and mouthed "I'm watching you".
Instead of responding, Tigress looked back at the screen in abject horror and fascination.
Fantastic Racism: He really hates squirrels. Piper has become an odd exception to this.
"So my "son" is a hypocritical racist?" Tigress asked. "My God."
Portmanteau: His roleplayer calls his species "wolfer"; a combination of wolf and tiger
"How clever," Tigress groaned.
The Unfavorite: Of Kate. Possibly of Tigress as well, though it hasn't been confirmed in-universe (yet).
"Oh yeah," Kate muttered. "He cheats on me, and I'm the bad guy?"
Voice Changeling: Mathew can mimic anyone's voice. What does he use this for? Making really good covers of songs.
"Talk about a waste of a cool trick," Harry said.
Son of Eric Draven and The Fledgling (assumed to be a female Tremere); half-brother of Kyle.
Eric blinked once, and stared at the screen in shock. "…He dies. I would never do that to Shelley!"
"Oh, will you stop with that Shelley stuff?" The Fledgling said. "You never shut up about here. Shelley this, and Shelley that."
Son of Eric Draven and Connor MacLeod; half-brother of Xavier.
"…I'm going to kill the fool for this," Connor swore, taking several steps away from Eric, who did the same.
"I'll help," Eric offered. "I want his kidneys."
Thaddeus Blackstone Granger
Son of Harry Dresden and Hermionie Granger.
"What," Hermione said, completely stunned.
"…Meh," Harry said, shrugging. Everyone else looked at him, stupefied.
"What?" he asked. "I have a kid, and I like kids as it is. So another one, especially a fictional one doesn't bother me. And she doesn't look that bad either."
"Dirty old man," Hermione muttered.
"Oh, don't give me that," Harry said. "I caught you staring."
Daughter of Gadget Hackwrench and Miss Kitty Mouse.
Gadget and Kitty shared a glance, and looked back to the screen, then back at each other. "Who made these again?"
Tigress scrolled up, and found the folder name: "Jack O'Crow/Heir-to-the-throne's Mistakes"
"See, that was a stupid move, on his part," Connor said.
Harry tapped on the door. "Hey! The ward's worn down! Fuego!"
A blast of fire and kinetic energy tore down the barricade and the door, only to reveal Po, stuffing his face with almond cookies.
Swallowing, Po said, "He gave me these cookies, and said I could expect two crates a month, but only if I didn't tell you where he was going. So you aren't getting anything out of me."
Tigress started towards him, causing him to scream out in a high-pitched voice, "He's on a boat to Louisiana!"
Tigress looked back to the others, who had gathered behind her. "The hunt is on."
Author's note: Yeah, I was bored, and wanted to write something DM-related. So I decided to take the "DM parents find the DM tropes page" formula and use it to craft a story. You can thank E350 for the creation of said formula. And it's very simplistic, too. Also, I would have included more Mistakes(note important capital letters. Mages use lots of capital letters), but I was feeling lazy, and wanted to keep this fairly short. Well, short for me. Also, for those who pay attention to my other shit, this is my way of getting out of my creative slump.
If this intrigued you, feel free to hop onto my profile, take the link to "Disney Parodies: Too Many?" and take a look at the DM related threads.
Thanks for reading,