Quinn gripped fist tighter around her windshield scraper and scratched furiously at the frozen chunks of ice on her window. The week long Christmas break from McKinley had flown by and now, as the glacial morning air numbed her face and fingers, she longed to return to the warmth and softness of her bed. Although she had her car running for the last fifteen minutes the grainy layer of hoarfrost refused to melt so she pushed harder grinding down with all her strength.
"Come. Off. Stupid. Ice." She grunted, scratching the glass. Despite the cold, a layer of sweat formed on her forehead as she took out all of her anger, her forearms burning from exertion as she watched small ice chips flying chaotically from the windshield. Just as she began to make headway the black scraper snapped, dislodging from the handle and skidded down her hood.
"FUCK!" She launched the now decapitated piece of plastic on to the street and screamed into the desolate morning air.
Crouching down against her car she gripped her head in her hands and focused on her breathing. She had been on edge ever since Christmas Eve, the tiniest things setting her off. Every night she was tormented with images of what happened in that room, images of what she had done to Rachel, of what she let Rachel do to her.
Her stomach churned every time she remembered how it felt, how much she enjoyed touching her, being inside her, being touched by her. She didn't want it to feel good, she wished she hated it, that it wasn't a million times better then she had ever imagined. Knowing how amazing she smelled, how smooth her skin was, how soft and warm her tongue felt against her skin, knowing any of these things made denying them that much harder. But she was determined. She couldn't be gay. Her entire family would disown her, her church would shun her, she didn't even want to consider school or Cheerios. She reminded herself of that fact when she woke this morning, knowing she would be forced at some point to confront what she had run away from.
Arriving twenty minutes late to school Quinn all but ran to her first class. Entering the room she breezed past Rachel's desk avoiding all eye contact and took her seat in the back row.
"Nice of you to join us, Miss. Fabray." Her teacher mocked when she was seated.
"Car trouble." She responded looking up to him. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Rachel looking at her, fighting her instincts she brought her own gaze down to her notebook, focusing on the blue and white lined paper. She couldn't look at her, not without remembering that night. Her mental stability was hanging on by a thread if at all. She needed more time to build up her defenses; to be able to go back to the way things were before. It took her two years to cultivate her hatred for Rachel Berry, and less than thirty minutes to wipe it all away.
The class dragged by, AP History was her least favorite subject. Still, she studiously focused on the course work trying to engage her mind in anything other than the fact that she was in the same room with the object of her turmoil. When the bell finally rang she quickly gathered up her things and flew from the class headed for her locker. She hadn't even finished her combination when Rachel appeared beside her; she kept her eyes firmly on the numbers as she spun the red dial, refusing to recognize her presence, hoping to delay the inevitable for a little longer.
"Quinn." Rachel spoke softly trying to get her attention.
She didn't respond, just pulled the lock apart and swung the metal door open, not trusting herself to speak.
"Quinn, please talk to me." Rachel begged. She had tried in vain to get in touch with her for the last five days, but to no avail. When Quinn had disentangled from her that night and fled from the room, not a word spoken, she had been shocked. She had looked down at herself, sprawled across the floor, topless, scratch marks along her abdomen, torn stockings, all signs of what had just took place, and collapsed in on herself in tears. People always ran away from her, Finn had, Jesse had, and now Quinn.
She thought Quinn would be different. The way she had kissed her was nothing short of eye opening. Up until that point kissing seemed like something you just did, either to pass the time or pacify impatient boyfriends. But the way Quinn's mouth felt against her own made her forget about anything other than what she was feeling. Talking, thinking, even breathing had come secondary. She knew it couldn't have been one-sided; she refused to believe she had manifested it all on her own, but she could never be sure any more. Her relationship with Jesse had turned out to be a lie, Finn had only wanted her for one thing, which she had unfortunately given him, a decision that haunted her ever since. She had learned the hard way that nothing was ever as it seemed, so over the course of the last week she had accepted the fact that perhaps what she felt that night wasn't shared. But she had to be sure; she had to hear Quinn say the words. Because if she didn't she knew she would never move past it.
"There's nothing to talk about." Quinn finally answered.
"Yes there is." She tried to keep her voice calm.
"No." Quinn slammed her locker shut, "There isn't." Then turned and moved in the other direction.
"You can at least look at me!" Rachel yelled trailing behind her. She hadn't meant to scream but she couldn't hold it in. She couldn't go another day not knowing; not having any explanation for the actions Quinn took that night.
The forcefulness of her voice caused Quinn to stop dead in her tracks. Looking up to the ceiling she prayed for strength. She could feel Rachel behind her, her brown eyes burning holes in her back, waiting for acknowledgment. She didn't want to hurt her, but she didn't see any other way. She knew Rachel wouldn't drop this until she did. Somewhere in her mind she managed to reason it would actually be good for her. Anything would be better than dragging her through the mud with all of her own fucked up issues. Turning on her heel she looked at her for the first time since that night. For a moment she faltered, the look of injured innocence in Rachel's eyes slicing through her, gutting her. She took a few steps forward so they were closer and lowered her voice, hiding her troubles from the prying ears and eyes of the hallway.
"Stop calling me. Stop following me." She spoke sternly, trying her best to let no weakness show.
"No. Not until you talk to me." Rachel stood firm.
"Like I said before, there is nothing to talk about." Quinn raised her chin a little in defiance. "Forget what happened in that room."
Rachel shook her head, "I can't." her voice trembled, she hadn't wanted to become emotional, but days of unrest had taken its toll. "I've tried but I can't. And you can't either."
"I already have." Quinn shrugged and squared her shoulders, determined to follow through, to make Rachel hate her. "It was nothing Rachel. I used you. And you let me."
Rachel flinched at the words; "You don't mean that." She had prepared herself for this being the possible outcome, but imagining it and hearing it were two entirely different things.
"But I do." Quinn swallowed back the lump in her throat. "What did you think would happen? That I'd come running into your arms? Ask you to be my girlfriend?" She chuckled, "Please tell me you're not that delusional." Rachel felt her lip begin to quiver as she realized that, yes, apparently she was that deluded. "Oh my God! You did, didn't you?" Quinn laughed again, surprising even herself with how evil she sounded.
Raising her hand Rachel wiped a stray tear from her eye, "How can you be so cruel?"
Quinn dropped her eyes and took a deep breath, tightening her hold on her books to keep her hands from pulling her into a hug and whispering to her that she was sorry. Apologize for not being good enough or strong enough to admit what was true.
"You wanted to talk Rachel, and now I have." She looked back to her. "It's not my fault you don't like what I have to say." Rachel stared at her, tears now freely falling down her cheeks, and Quinn's stomach clenched in pain. "Just go back to chasing Finn or making myspace videos or whatever it is you do these days, I really don't care, just as long as it means you'll stay the hell away from me." She delivered her final blow and recoiled as it landed, a small sound of despair escaping Rachel's throat as she turned and ran for the bathroom.
Quinn released a shallow breath as she watched her go, her own eyes burning with unshed tears. A battle of wills raged inside her. Her brain screaming to move on to her next class, to congratulate herself on a job well done and wipe her hands of the mess she created. Her heart however told a different story, the dejected look on Rachel's face causing an actual physical pain in her chest.
The halls were empty, the bell had already rung, but still she hadn't moved. Her eyes were trained firmly on the bathroom door. She let her mind drift back to that night. Remembering the way Rachel had told her everything would be okay, the way she held her as she cried. They were polar opposites. Where Rachel was warm, caring, and honest, she was cold and calculating. Falling back on her defenses had been too easy. Spewing vitriol as if she actually meant it. She didn't think it was possible, but she actually hated herself more knowing that she had just used the best qualities in Rachel to hurt her, to tear her down to protect herself. Despite all her faults and worries she couldn't do that, not anymore, not after that night.
Taking a small step she moved towards the door, glancing down at her feet as if to check she was actually doing this. Her brain screamed out warnings, told her to stop, to turn, to run in the other direction, but her feet carried her forward, one step at a time until she was pushing the door open, locking it behind her, and stepping in to face her fear.
Rachel stood in the mirror clutching the sink and a ball of tattered toilet paper. She wondered how she could have been so wrong. Again. She hated that she felt so much, that she constantly fooled herself into thinking she meant more to people than she actually did. She wished she hadn't allowed herself to cry, because now stopping the tears was impossible. When she heard the bathroom door opening she straightened herself up and tried to quiet her sobs, quickly wiping at her tear stained cheeks, doing her best to appear normal. She didn't need another person to come in and find her crying in the bathroom, everyone already looked at her strange as it was.
The voice echoing off the tile walls forced her eyes to the mirror where they immediately met with Quinn's.
"No. No. No." She pinched the bridge of her nose and fought back more tears. "Go away. Please go away." She couldn't be in the same room as her. She couldn't even look at her. The words she had spoken were still too fresh, each one a hard slap to the face. 'I used you. And you let me.' And she had. She had never once questioned her motives, stopped to think, or speak, or inquire about her dramatic change in behavior. She hadn't because she didn't want to. She wanted to believe it was real. She wanted to believe someone could want her. That someone could love her and desire her all at once. Not just someone; her. She hadn't even realized how badly she wanted it until she had it. And now it was gone.
"I'm not leaving." Quinn spoke again.
"Why?" Rachel turned to face her, her wounded eyes flashing with anger, "Did you come to make sure you got through to me? I assure you Quinn, you were crystal clear. I'll leave you alone."
Quinn took a step forward and Rachel took a step back. "I'm sorry." Quinn breathed, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to fix it, just knowing she had to say the words, and praying that Rachel would believe them, that she would understand. "I'm so, so sorry." She stepped forward again and watched as Rachel backed herself against the wall, trying to secure distance. "I shouldn't have said those things to you. I'm just…" She shook her head and looked to the floor, "I'm a horrible person." She looked back up and shrugged, a lone tear escaping her as she admitted to what she believed to be the truth. "And you deserve better than me." She felt sick to her stomach as she said the words, imagining Rachel with someone else.
Rachel stayed where she was and tried to understand, willing her brain to override her emotions and listen objectively, still leaving room for the possibility that this was part of some sick twisted game.
"Why did you do it then?" she spoke the words so quietly Quinn had barely heard her.
"Christmas Eve. If I don't deserve you why did you bother?"
Taking a deep breath a defeated smile curled on Quinn's lips as she realized what she was about to admit to, "I couldn't help myself anymore." Another tear fell down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. Emotionally she was spent, years of repression and frustration deciding to flood to the surface at this exact moment, and for the life of her she couldn't push them back down. "I thought that maybe if I gave in, it would all go away, that I would be able to stop thinking about you, stop wanting you, that I could just be normal."
Although Quinn thought her words were helping Rachel to understand they were having the opposite effect. Her tears had dried as she listened, and her sadness slowly turned into anger. If Quinn had no intentions of ever being more then friends she wished she had stayed away, she had been doing fine, although she had always been attracted to Quinn the knowledge that it was an impossibility permitted her to ignore it. She was sick of being the only one to have her heart trampled on, to be the one left without a choice in the matter. There was always something, either she was a loser, or she went to a rival school, or she dressed too prudish, or too slutty, or now in this case, simply being a women was enough to warrant dismissal.
"Did it work?" she asked tersely. "Did you fuck me out of your system?"
Quinn inhaled sharply at the question. Inappropriately, she felt her nipples stiffen under her top at the bluntness of her words. Mentally she knew Rachel wasn't trying to turn her on, but her body reacted on its own accord.
"What do you think?" Quinn responded looking up at her, a small unintentional smile curling on her lips.
"I need to hear you say it." Rachel pushed, ignoring the flutter in her stomach at the way Quinn eyed her.
"Why?" She sighed.
"Because." Rachel's implored her to be truthful for once. "You owe me at least that."
She was right, and Quinn knew it, so she acquiesced "No. Okay?" She said miserably. "It didn't work."
"So everything you just said in the hall that was…what?" She shrugged. "Another part of your brilliant plan?" Her voice barely concealed her annoyance.
Quinn took a step back and tried to gather her thoughts, this was not going as she had hoped. "Um. I'm not sure I would call it brilliant."
"No?" She glared at her. "Well let's see, how does stupid sound? Or diabolical? How about nefarious? Any of those fit better?" Rachel had pushed herself from the wall as she spoke and it was now Quinn who backed away, retreating the two steps she had taken until her back came into contact with the door.
"To be fair," she spoke as evenly as she could considering her body was reacting in a way she hadn't expected to an angry and determined Rachel, "I didn't really plan any of it."
"Oh! So that makes it better?" Rachel moved closer still, dramatically counting Quinn's actions on her fingers, "You fuck me, leave me, ignore me, and then yell at me and insult me for good measure. But since you didn't plan any of it," she pretended to wipe her hands clean, "all should be forgiven?"
"I didn't say that." Quinn interjected.
"But it's what you want isn't it?"
Rachel stood mere inches from her now, hands on hips, a weathered angry look spread across her face, and Quinn had never been more attracted to her. She opened her mouth trying to find her answer, but nothing came out.
Rachel ran a frantic hand through her hair at the silence; the last twenty minutes had been like an emotional roller-coaster. "Do you even know what you want?"
"Yes." Quinn nodded, finding her voice. "But what I want and what I can have are two very different things."
"You deserve someone better Rachel."
"Stop telling me what I deserve!" She spoke angrily. Quinn was being deliberately obtuse when all she wanted was a straight answer. "Do you want to be with me?" She asked, a hint of longing breaking through her anger.
"Don't ask me that." Quinn shook her head.
"It's a simple question."
"Without a simple answer."
"Yes or no, Quinn?" She pressured her. She needed to know, even if nothing came of it she needed to know.
"What if I hurt you?" Quinn's voice broke as she answered with a question of her own.
"This is hurting me!" Rachel exploded, clutching her hand to her chest, "Can't you see that?"
"I'm sorry!" Quinn shot back, she knew what Rachel was looking for, she just wasn't sure if she could give it.
"I don't want your apologies!" Rachel was shaking; half with anger half with lust. She was close enough to Quinn to smell her skin, and their current positions were all too familiar. "Just tell me the truth that's all I'm asking for!" She pleaded with her.
"Yes! Okay?" She finally let her defenses crumble. "Yes. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
Quinn's confession caused a rush of arousal to flood through Rachel's body she hadn't expected. Immediately she closed the gap between them. Somewhere in the back of her mind she wondered if she was a masochist for doing so, but the moment Quinn's mouth opened to meet her own all thoughts left her. One kiss quickly turned to two, then three, each one re-awakening every urge they had encountered that night one week ago.
Their kisses were hot, filled with passion, anger, confusion, their tongues twisting and tangling fighting for control. Hands roamed restlessly over clothing, grabbing and pulling, searching for skin. Rachel made quick work of Quinn's top pulling the stiff polyester from her taut frame before moving to press her mouth against Quinn's covered nipple, her tongue dragging along the cotton of her sports bra, feeling it dampen and harden and all once.
"This is wrong." Quinn breathed, though her hands contrasted her words as they fisted in Rachel's hair and held her closer.
Rachel disregarded her statement and pushed the material up from Quinn's breasts so she could taste her skin without the barrier of clothing, swirling her nipple with her tongue before sucking it into her mouth, an ill-disguised sound of delight falling from her throat when she felt Quinn arch into her.
"This is wrong." Quinn said again, as if she were trying to convince herself it was true.
"No." Rachel said in return as she smoothed her palms down Quinn's back to pull at the zipper of her pleated red skirt, letting it fall unceremoniously to the ground. Moving up she fastened her teeth to Quinn's bottom lip and dipped her hand down the back of her bloomers scraping her nails along the sensitive flesh, feeling Quinn's hips buck into her as she did so. She pushed just as hard back into them dragging her mouth to Quinn's neck, sucking on her pulse point before licking a hot trail to her ear. "You know what's wrong?" she growled, her fingers hooking into the tight spandex, pushing them down far enough to give her space.
"What?" Quinn whimpered, her own hand moving under Rachel's top to grasp at her heated skin. Doing her best to remain cohesive while Rachel roughly stripped her of clothing.
Rachel ghosted her lips along the rim of Quinn's ear, threading one hand through her tight ponytail while her other moved to cup her sex, groaning loudly when she felt her arousal soak her palm. "Pretending you don't feel this is wrong." She slid her fingers along her slick folds and nipped at her earlobe, feeling her tremble. "Pushing me away is wrong." She poised her fingers at her entrance and felt Quinn spread her legs further apart. "Fighting this," She slid two fingers inside her gasping as she felt her walls clench around her, "is wrong."
Keeping her fingers still, she moved so her eyes could hold with Quinn's, the hazel was all but gone, immersed in black lust. Retracting her fingers slowly she pushed back into her and Quinn groaned. "You feel this?" She asked.
Quinn nodded, tears of admission in her eyes.
"This," She thrust again, "This is right." Arousal burned through Rachel's body as she watched Quinn weaken under her ministrations. She fought off her urge to move quicker, to pump her fingers with the strength of need that she felt. "Say it's right Quinn." She entered into her again, feeling a tremor shoot through her own body, as Quinn pushed back down on her. "Say it and believe it."
Quinn's hand shot up and tangled in Rachel's hair, pulling her so their mouths were millimeters apart. Rachel's hand played her like an instrument, coaxing her forward, slowly erasing her doubts. "It's right." She exhaled against her lips.
Rachel crushed their mouths back together at Quinn's admission. Her head rushed with desire. She felt Quinn's hand slide down her chest and over her stomach before lifting her skirt. Spreading her own legs, she cried out in satisfaction as those long fingers slid down her panties and met with her heated core once again. A synchronous moan of pleasure filled the room as Quinn's fingers entered her. They each moved quickly, realizing belatedly they were in the school bathroom, and classes would be ending soon.
They panted into each other's mouths as they pumped in and out, their eyes open, connected, as they fucked with abandon. There were no more words. There simply wasn't enough time or air for anything more to be said. They communicated with their touch, every buck of their hips, or curling of their fingers, saying everything they needed to know. Nails dug into hips and scalps, sweat clung to skin, grunts and moans echoed off the walls. They canted into one another, their bodies urging them to thrust harder, deeper, pushing towards the inevitable. And just as the bell rang so did their screams of pleasure as white-hot orgasms ripped through them simultaneously, searing them together as they clenched and released on each other's hands.
Sinking down to the floor, they held each other, ignoring the knocks on the door. Gripping Rachel's face in her hands Quinn kissed her, a slow passionate kiss of reaffirmation, of acceptance. Rachel reveled in it, confident in the fact that Quinn wouldn't run again. "We can do this." She breathed into Quinn's mouth. Quinn nodded and kissed her harder, showing bravery she hadn't the first time. She knew it would be hard, but she didn't care. She couldn't go back to hating herself, to lying to herself. Rachel helped her to find a strength within that she didn't know existed.
Rising to their feet they gathered up Quinn's discarded uniform. Rachel dressed her, smacking Quinn's hand away whenever she tried to stop her. Oddly, putting her clothes back on, and cinching the zippers up her toned frame had almost been as arousing as removing them. By the time they looked halfway descent the halls were emptied again. They each laughed lightly as they unlocked the door and stepped outside hand in hand. They looked at each other again to confirm they were on the same page.
"We'll make it work." Rachel squeezed her fingers, assuring her.
"Together." Quinn added.
"Yeah." She moved closer, pressing a soft kiss on her lips.