Hey guys. I was in a really bad mood today because Izzy just got back from her holiday in Australia (long story, I suggest you read the author's notes from my other stories if you want details). Anyway I got sent home at lunch for slapping her so decided to watch GLEE. The episode Never Been Kissed came on and I noticed that Santana said something that really annoyed me and then Mr. Schue didn't say anything. So, instead of ranting to myself I wrote about it… Enjoy. Oh and unfortunately I do not own glee, neither do I own Chris Colfer, Naya Rivera, Matthew Morrison nor any of the other actors The bit after the ***** is the really upsetting bit so you have been warned, it may be triggering.
Try Picking Up The Pieces Now
I walk into the room, head bowed and my bag strap tightly gripped to my shoulder. I long for Mr. Schue to see but of course he doesn't, he just sees me walking into the room. I'm just the gay kid, looking depressed as always, wearing a grey knee length sweater to disguise my pain. I know they think that I am over reacting but they don't see half of what goes on. Actually, what hurts more is when they do see it but don't comment. Tina just watched me being shoved into a locker but all she said was 'are you okay'. I felt like shouting at her 'Of course I'm not okay. A flaming Neanderthal just shoved me into a locker and now my white shoulder is probably ruined by a yellow bruise threatening to rise to the surface'. But I didn't say that, because I'm just the gay kid that always over reacts.
I saunter over to my usual chair and throw my bag onto the ground, nobody notices my foul mood though. I casually look around the room but see no change to the ordinary: Berry has her folder out, little Miss 'I own this flaming Glee Club'; Santana is giving Puck 'the eye', oh yes Santana, I have noticed; and Tina is acting as if nothing just happened, as if she didn't see me being brutally slammed against the lockers. I sigh but again nobody notices. However, I do notice a hole in my sweater elbow and think to myself that that is another fifty dollars wasted, except it isn't because I haven't been wearing designer clothes ever since my dad went into hospital. But nobody has noticed, because I'm just the gay kid that always over reacts.
Mr. Schue is sat at the front of the room, on his swivel chair by the piano. A hideous vest on his toned chest. I used to look up to him, admire him even amazed at what a nice guy he was, so genuine, trustworthy. But then I realised how rubbish he is as a teacher. A teacher's first and foremost job is to educate and he can do that amazingly well, he can inspire those that are so stupid. But just as importantly, a teacher's job is to look out for the well-fare of the pupils. Pupils like Finn Hudson that lose their way a bit, pupils like Rachel Berry who have complicated family lives, pupils like Quinn Fabrey who became pregnant at such an early age and pupils like me, Kurt Hummel: gay, bullied and harassed by his own friends. That's what it is, all the sly remarks, all the jokes, it's a form of harassment. But of course nobody cares, because I'm just the gay kid that always over reacts.
Mr Schuester turns around in his chair holding a crumpled piece of paper, a look of pure school boyish excitement on his face. This used to excite me, this face, but now it makes me sick. "And now, drum roll Finn because I have in my hand our competition for sectionals next month." Everybody in the room cheered apart from me. Rachel clicked her pen to take notes and I glared at her. It's moments like this I wish my eyes had lasers built in. Mr Schue is never going to notice now because 'sectionals are the main dream now guys. Nothing can stand in our way!' Not even the kid at the back of the class falling to pieces with nobody noticing, apparently. But of course, I wouldn't expect them to notice because I'm just the gay kid that always over reacts. "First, the acappella choir from the all-boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers!" Cheers rang through the choir room again.
"Okay, hold up, like a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head." Santana looked at me in that moment. Tucking my hair behind my ear I sit up straight, the anger flaring up inside of me. I wait for Mr Schuester to warn Santana to not make comments like that, but he doesn't which angers me to the point of explosion.
"And just what exactly is that supposed to mean?" I shout, rising from my seat. I've interrupted Mr Schue but in this moment I really could not care less. "Why do you think it is okay to make remarks like that?"
"Kurt please," Mercedes places her hand lovingly on my elbow, "just ignore her, it's not that big a deal"
"Not that big a deal? Mercedes I thought you understood me. Understood how hard it is to hear abuse thrown at me like that every day!"
"Dude, you need to chillax. She wasn't having a dig at you" Puckerman says to me. The calmness in his voice is infuriating.
"Of course she was 'having a dig'" Tina laughed as I tried to imitate Puck. "I don't know what you're flaming laughing about! You're the one that stood by me in the hall as I got thrown into the locker by Karofsky!" Finn swore under his breath,
"He did what? I'll get 'im for that dude. Just say the word"
"You can't, that would be a bit hypocritical considering that it is exactly what you used to do!"
"Dude, I thought I was forgiven for that"
"Forgiven? How could you ever expect me to forgive you? You're disgusted by me, just like the rest of you in here are."
"Kurt, I think that's enough now. Sit down, you've got your point across." Mr Schue instructed.
"I'm not listening to you! I lost all respect for you months ago. Don't give me that look. Even just a moment ago you didn't say anything about Santana's comment. If she had said something about Finn, or Rachel, or Quinn you would've stuck up for them, fought their corner, but not for me. Not the scrawny gay freak that just sways in the background. We all know who your favourites are. You're not supposed to pass judgement, you're a teacher. You're supposed to look out for our welfare but you haven't even noticed that I'm falling apart!" I storm to the front in true Rachel Berry fashion and face the rest of the New Directions "None of you have noticed that I lost half a stone in the past month! None of you noticed that I have stopped wearing designer clothes! I've stopped spraying my hair at every opportunity I get. Stopped joking, laughing, smiling even. Heck, I've hardly even spoken three words in the past couple of months, ever since Rocky Horror. That hurt by the way, just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I want to be a woman. But nobody thought of my feelings did they?" A single tear rolls down my cheek but I don't bother to wipe it away. I can see most of the girls start to cry and for a brief moment I feel guilty but I'm not done yet, and I'm not stopping until this is said.
"None of you have noticed how lost I have been recently. I haven't been eating much and what little I have been eating I have thrown straight back up anyway. And what about these?" I push my sleeves up to reveal hundreds of little scars, some old and healing, some only a few hours old with fresh blood on them, "Did any of you notice these? No, I didn't think so. You know, I almost committed suicide last year, I wrote the note and everything but do you know what kept me from doing it? You guys. The fact that I knew you would all be here for me, but now…now I'm not so sure." I pick up my bag and hurry through the door not even trying to conceal my tears. But I realise that I have one thing left to say, I step cautiously into the doorway and quietly say,
"The bullies aren't just in the corridors you know. The worst offenders have been sitting right next to me every day."
As I walk out of the door for the final time I look back into the classroom and see the devastated faces of what used to be my friends. I see the great memories that lie in that room, the funny moments and the group hugs. But what's worse of all is the fact that I look in and see myself, a year ago, the afternoon before that night that I wanted to end it all. The me in the class looks up with a tear rolling down his face and slowly fades away and I realise that that boy is my soul, that is when I truly lost myself. But the question is, can I put myself back together again.
All I know is that I cannot do it here because I'll always just be the gay kid that always over reacts.