Title: Blue-eyed Angel, 11/?

Author: Goddess Evie
Date: July 1, 2013
Category: JJHR, Angst
Summary: A look into Jonny's head; an incident at the deposition.

Disclaimer: I do not own JQ. I make no money off this story. I am only using the characters for my own unique story. I also do not own "Outside", it is owned by Staind. I merely use the lyrics to enhance my humble writing and pay a little homage to such talented musicians.

Author's Notes: Phew! What a difficult chapter to write. I admit that I put it off because I knew it was going to take something out of me. And once I did finally start it, I wanted to take my time because I knew it needed to be just right. And I think it is. We are finally getting into Jonny's head, folks. I really hope the way I portrayed it works. Please let me know in your comments.

As always, thank you so much for all the support I receive for this story with your wonderful reviews, follows and favorites. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am not giving up on this story. I love it too much. I promise it will be finished, even if it's the last thing I do (but let's hope not).

Chapter 11: All the times that I've cried, all that's wasted, it's all inside. But I feel all this pain; stuffed it down, it's back again.




He stared at his hands. He could barely see them. But when he could they were bloodstained.

The knife. He could still feel it sticking into his stomach. Pushing in but not hurting him.

It had been facing the wrong way.

And now a young man was dead…


He's dead.

He's dead.

Because you-


Sometimes Hadji would appear in the grey swirling around him. He would speak soft words that Jonny couldn't quite hear.

The fog swallowed them. All but one word.


But Hadji had stopped saying her name.

His father appeared too, though he was always far away and misty. And as much as Jonny wanted to reach out to them, the fog stopped him.

It stopped him from speaking. He couldn't even say her name.

Especially her name.

Sometimes he thought if he could just see her, be near her, he could start to, maybe, break through the fog.

But she would have nothing to do with him.

He didn't blame her.

He didn't want to have anything to do with himself.

Not when his bloody hands rose through the fog.

And a dead boy's face materialized before him.

And Jessie's cries for help echoed through the dense matter.

And then the fog thickened.

Or Hadji would break through and for a moment the fog would dissipate entirely and Jonny would look around and see he was home in one of the myriad rooms of the compound.

Never the same room.

And Jessie was never there, though he always looked for her.

And then the fog would swirl in and surround him and it would all start over again.

And Hadji's breakthroughs became fewer and farther between. Until he broke through no more.

He had no sense of time. No sense of place. No sense of movement even.

The fog obscured all.

Sometimes he half-remembered an older woman. Or perhaps he'd dreamed her. He thought maybe she'd been trying to say something to him, but the fog hid her again before he could be sure.

Except for one vivid moment when she'd mentioned Jessie.

But like everybody else, the older woman stopped talking about her.

Would he live the rest of his life in the fog?

Would it be so bad if he did?

Hadji was out there in the fog somewhere. Jonny couldn't see him. The fog was too thick. But he knew his brother was there.

Because Hadji was always there. Jonny might not know where he was, or the time of day, but he knew Hadji was there. Always there.

It was better than navigating the dense grey matter alone. Marginally.

He knew Hadji was speaking because he could hear a buzzing from somewhere deep in the fog. Or perhaps he was deep in the fog and the buzzing was coming somewhere from the edges where his family hovered. Or maybe he was at one edge and his family at the other and fog swirled between them, separating them.

He sensed her. He looked up and saw her.

Her presence made the fog explode from around him like a strong ray of sunlight burning through.

Now he could see Hadji. He sat with his brother on a love seat in his father's private study. He could hear Hadji's soft words clearly, though they didn't make sense. He didn't take the time to make them make sense.

Jessie stood in the doorway. She looked okay. Physically. She didn't seem to be hurt in any way.

Her face told another story. He had just time to meet her eyes and register the pain there before she disappeared again.

She doesn't want anything to do with you.

Hadji stopped talking. Stopped buzzing.

Jonny stood and moved to the doorway. He didn't want her to go. He tried to call after her, but his mouth would make no sound.

She had made the fog go away.

He stumbled out into the hall in time to see her rush around the corner towards the front hall.

Already the fog was encroaching at the edge of his vision.

He followed her down the hall, keeping to the wall in case the fog blocked his vision again. He was almost to the end when Hadji stopped him.

Jonny looked at his brother. Hadji's face and eyes were full of worry. The fog was beginning to obscure him.

Jonny heard voices coming from the front hall. Somebody said Jessie's name and he lurched after the sound.

Hadji put a hand on his arm, stopping him. He moved past Jonny into the front hall. From where he stood, Jonny could just see Jessie. The fog retreated again and he saw Race and Estella standing in the doorway.

Jessie faced them, but abruptly she turned in his direction. He couldn't help looking at her. Even though he knew how he made her feel.

She can't stand to be around you.

At least she could run away from him.

She did just that.

This time, Jonny chose not to follow. He leaned against the wall and the fog came sweeping back.

Hadji was buzzing again, but it was useless.

The fog swarmed in thicker and darker than ever.

The fog didn't let up for what seemed like days. Maybe it really was. Jonny couldn't know with grey swirling all around him.

It also didn't let anybody in. Not even Hadji. Jonny couldn't see him at all, couldn't sense his presence. Only occasionally could he hear the buzzing of his brother's words. He knew his brother was still present only because Hadji would not abandon him. That was a fact.

Jonny sat with his arms resting on his thighs, his hands hanging down between his legs. He had no clue where he was. Somewhere in the compound? Or had he been brought somewhere else? He couldn't say.

He tried not to look at his hands so he wouldn't have to see the bloodstains. But the only other place to look was into the fog.

Was Hadji still out there? He hadn't heard even the faintest of buzzing in so long. What about his father? Race?


And did it even matter?

Jonny looked up, squinting to see through the fog, when he thought he heard something through the dense matter.

Not Hadji. This sounded angry.

"My son!"

Was it his father? But what could have upset him so?

Where was he, anyway? What was going on? Who was out there?

Jonny concentrated, trying to push the fog away. It dissipated only a little.

"You killed him!"

Jonny's head jerked up. The fog drifted away. He did not know where he was other than to know that he wasn't at the compound. His father and his brother stood in front of where he sat, but they couldn't block the woman yelling right at him.

He knew her. He remembered talking to her. Lying to her. Senior pictures.

A mother without a son.

Zach Ellis.

Is dead.

"Because of you!"

Jonny fisted his hands to hide the bloodstains. He tried to say something to her.

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"I didn't want to."

"I just wanted to stop him from—I never meant to…"

His brain and his mouth couldn't seem to work together to form the words.

His father and brother both were yelling back at the woman, but their words sounded only like buzzing.

"I'll never see my son again! You took him away from me."

He took Jessie away from me. I had to get her back.

As if the thought summoned her, Jessie stood in front of him. She faced the woman. He could hear her words clearly.

"How dare you!"

"It's my son that's-"

"Do you know what he was doing to me?"

"You little liar. Zach would never-"

Jonny stood up. Jessie wasn't lying. He'd been there. He'd seen.

Why couldn't he find the words to say so?

"But he did."

The woman paused for a moment, then lunged at Jessie. Jonny rocked forward as if to intercept her.

Nobody else was going to hurt Jessie.

Other people intervened.



The older woman Jonny recognized from his dreams. Or not-dreams, he supposed.

Other people he didn't know.

The screaming mother was ushered from the room, fighting the entire way.

Hadji and his father approached him. Jonny fell back down into the chair he'd been sitting in.

Where was he? What was going on?

His family was trying to talk to him, but he couldn't make out their words. Instead they buzzed like bad radio reception.

The fog was swirling in again.

And then Jessie was before him once more. Crouched down in front of him, looking up into his face.

Chasing the fog away with the intensity of her emerald stare.

Her hands rested lightly on his knees for balance.

Her red hair streamed out behind her.

The anger on her face reminded him of their recent fight. Had it been last week? Or had more time passed?

He just didn't know.

"Don't you dare listen to her."

Her voice sounded like she could break into tears.

The other people in the room stared on in silence.

He started to reach out to her, but he didn't want to get blood on her.

"You hear me? It wasn't your fault."

She chewed her bottom lip as she stared up at him. He could see how increasingly difficult it was for her to be near him. So, why did she stay?

"It wasn't your fault."

Perhaps she wanted a response from him?

Oh how he wanted to say something to her. He had so much to say to her.

His thoughts wouldn't organize themselves. His mouth moved but it had no words to speak.

He closed it tightly.

"Don't you believe a word she said."

Jonny did the only thing his body would cooperate with.

He nodded at her. Just a small movement of his head.

But she saw it. He knew because she looked relieved. Just a little bit.

"Good," she said. Then she rose, turned and ran out the door.

Jonny watched her and watched where she exited, until the fog obscured everything again.

Jessie wasn't sure what the stupid lawyer expected of her.

She sat, with her mother and father and Dr. Goodwyn and Jonny's lawyer (too many people, really), in some stupid conference room at the city district attorney's office. For twenty minutes now the attorney appointed to prosecute Jonny's case had been asking her questions and the only answers she'd given him were her name and age and other stupid personal things that meant nothing.

He was getting pretty worked up because she wouldn't tell him anything about what happened.

Stupid lawyer.

Dr. Goodwyn had stepped in a couple of times when she'd recognized Jessie getting agitated.

So she was good for something. Jessie gave her that.

At first she hadn't answered his questions because she couldn't do it. Just couldn't talk about what happened.

Dr. Goodwyn had warned the stupid lawyer that Jessie had spoken to nobody of what had happened and so he shouldn't expect anything. Her father had confirmed it.

But the stupid lawyer with his stupid arrogance had ignored them and started, once he got through her personal details, by asking point blank what had happened with Zach Ellis.

Now Jessie refused to even look at him. She wished everybody else would do her the same favor. She propped her feet on the edge of her chair, hugged her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them. And stared at the table wearing a defiant frown. Now she wouldn't answer his questions because it pissed him off so.

And because she just couldn't talk about what happened.

Jonny sat out in the waiting room with Dr. Quest and Hadji. If the stupid lawyer thought he was getting nowhere with her, just wait until he started questioning Jonny.

Scratch that. Jessie wanted this stupid lawyer nowhere near Jonny.

After Jessie ignored another three or four questions and the stupid lawyer got all worked up again, her father requested they end the deposition. But that stupid lawyer refused. Race looked to Jonny's attorney for help, but he shook his head that there was nothing he could do. Race sighed loudly and angrily and set the stupid lawyer with the most threatening, unhappy glare he had in his arsenal.

Jessie almost felt bad. She could see the way he wilted somewhat under her father's most dangerous gaze. But he wouldn't be deterred.

He fired another question at Jessie. Or rather, the same question worded differently as if she wasn't smart enough to figure that out.

She was really thankful Dr. Goodwyn never used that tactic on her.

She rested her cheek on her knees and closed her eyes.

She swore she could hear the stupid lawyer's anger rising.

Jonny's lawyer finally cut in. "This is obviously getting us nowhere. Can we please agree to postpone this until Ms. Bannon and Mr. Quest are ready to cooperate?"

"She needs to cooperate now. A boy is dead, Mr. Fitzmichael, and her friend is in a lot of trouble."

Jessie jumped to her feet at the same time as her father. They leaned forward toward the stupid lawyer, hands flat on the table, in the exact same stance.

"What exactly are you saying?" The tone of Race's voice made his gaze seem like a nice summer day.

Jessie was ready with her own retort, but something else caught her ear. Something coming from the waiting area.

Someone yelling.

Her father had heard too and soon after her mother picked up the noise.

Dr. Quest and Hadji's voices joined the yelling.

Jessie dashed out of the room, ignoring the stupid lawyer's protests, and then stopped abruptly at the sight before her.

Mrs. Ellis stood in the doorway, her vicious stare aimed at Jonny, yelling at him about-

Jessie jumped in front of the woman. She could've hit the shrew, but that wouldn't help Jonny.

"How dare you!"

Mrs. Ellis looked surprised at Jessie's audacity. But only for a moment. Her eyes darkened as she moved her focus from Jonny to Jessie.

"It's my son that's-"

"Do you know what he was doing to me?"

Now Ms. Ellis looked affronted. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped into a little "o". Then she composed herself.

"You little liar. Zach would never-"

No. Jessie wasn't going to listen to such blatant denial. Her next words cut the shrew off.

"But he did."

Mrs. Ellis' stood blinking at Jessie. This pause lasted longest of all. Then she lunged forward at Jessie, only to be caught by the stupid lawyer and his secretary, pulling her screaming and thrashing from the office.

Jessie didn't flinch. Her parents moved in front of her. Her father faced his back to her like he would protect her from that shrew if she got loose. Her mother looked her up and down like the woman had actually touched her and might have hurt her. She kept reaching as if to touch her and then stopping herself.

Jessie couldn't stand either of them.

She turned around and Jonny fell into her view. Dr. Quest and Hadji were trying to comfort him. She pushed her way between them and dropped to a crouch in front of her best friend. With her hands on his knees for balance, she caught his blue eyes, dark and stormy, and held his gaze.

He looked as surprised as Mrs. Ellis.

That shrew.

"Don't you dare listen to her."

Jessie felt herself shaking with the anger she still felt for that woman. She wouldn't allow her poison words to hurt Jonny.

"You hear me? It wasn't your fault."

He didn't seem to be hearing her. She chewed her lip as she waited for something to show her words were getting through to him.

He had to hear her. That shrew's words weren't going to be the last thing Jonny heard.

How much longer could she stand to be in his sight?

No. She wouldn't go until she knew.

"It wasn't your fault."

She watched his irises move back and forth. His lips bobbed around, but he didn't say anything. He finally just closed his mouth.

"Don't you believe a word she said."

A beat and then he nodded his head at her. A movement so small she would have missed it if she hadn't been looking for it.

But she'd seen it. And he'd heard her.


She didn't know how effective her words would be on him, but she couldn't be near him anymore.

She knew it was wrong, but she rose and ran out the door.

Her parents followed right behind her. Her mother hovered again, almost touching her but remembering not to, unsure what to say.

Her father hung further back, giving her her space. She met his gaze knowing all her pain and hurt showed plain on her face.

"You did good, Jess," he whispered to her.

It was what she needed to hear.