Disclaimer: Yuki Eiri-san doesn't belong to me (I don't belong to him, either!). Actually, he belongs to a lot of people who aren't me, but all they need to know is that I think they're gods and I'm not getting a cent.

I've always loved words. Even the term 'a word', I love. Change one little letter, and you have a world, and that's what words are. Worlds upon worlds, forever. All I have to do is fit them together right, and I can create worlds that never existed. I can create people who never existed, thoughts that never existed… loves that could never be. For me, at least.

But when I write I'm somewhere else. My laptop is a portal, and I can pour myself into someone else's body and mind and be not me anymore. Granted, the people I am have haunting pasts too. After all, a story needs some angst, or characters don't work. Nobody wants to read a story that has no conflict, nothing that hurts. Without the pain, a happy ending is useless. It's the contrast that makes the happy ending work.

I'm not a character in one of my books. I can't write myself a happy ending. There's no such thing as a happy ending. In real life, you dream of something, you love someone, and they turn on you and you end up alone on the floor with blood seeping into the carpet and mixing with the tears you would cry if you could. In real life you take on the name of your hurt. In real life it hurts for real, you love for real, and you die for real. You can't turn back the pages. You can't decide whether or not the main character trusts the one he shouldn't. You can't protect yourself by closing the book. So you protect yourself by closing of your heart instead. If a story never starts it can't have a sad ending.

Most people talk when they feel down. I write until my fingers bleed and my hands are so swollen I can't move them anymore. Happy ending after happy ending. The story that comes before doesn't matter. Just the happy ending.

My story matters. I want a happy ending.

But I can't take the chance. I don't want to hurt people. Don't want to be hurt. I'll sit here alone in my dark empty house with the only light coming from the other worlds on the other side of my laptop. There'll be no ending if I don't let a beginning happen.