This is just a recent assignment that I had to write for Lit class. And I've been meaning for publish something on for a while. So, I just thought: 'Hey, why not publish this?'
Enjoy! This is my weak attempt at humor :D
Disclaimer: I do not own Beowulf (and frankly, I don't know who does)
The disgruntled voices of Hrothgar's men disturbed the tranquility of the night. Grendel's mother had invaded Herot Hall, snatching Esher and a few other items during the attack. Not to mention, she left a massive hole where the door used to be (Herot's carpenter was especially displeased about having to rebuilding the do or again).
"She took Grendel's arm!" one man indicated.
Another followed: "She took my hair gel!"
"And my Nintendo Wii," complained somebody else.
Herot's inhabitants became even more restless, until a loud, arrogant voice resonated throughout the Hall:
"Calm down people. No need to fear. Beowulf is here!"
If there's one talent Beowulf has, it's making up cheesy superhero lines.
The owner of the voice stood on top of a table that had not been demolished in the attack. Currently clad in only purple boxers embroidered with tiny yellow swords, Beowulf stood at an impressive height of 4'6''. His audacious voice and inflated ego, however, compensated for his short stature (Don't jab about Beowulf's height; he's very sensitive).
"Friends, I assure you that I will personally slay the monster hag that destroyed Hrothgar's hall," Beowulf pledged. "After all, I am the strongest man alive."
Says the guy who asked me to open a peanut butter jar for him the other day, Unferth thinks to himself. Wealthow, standing by Hrothgar's side, smirked.
Beowulf continued: "And of course, I wish to avenge the monster's victims." In reality, Beowulf wanted to retrieve his pocket- sized copy of HowtoScoreAngloSaxonWomen, which he had loaned to Esher (Indeed, Beowulf is a lady's man. In fact, he flirted with Wealthow a bit in the past. Don't tell Hrothgar).
"To those who wish to come with me, go and grab your armor," Beowulf said. "We will leave immediately!"
After putting on their armor and gulping down several glasses of mead to get fired up, the men departed. Many of them couldn't walk straight for the first half of the trip.
The footprints of Grendel's mother eventually led them to a murky lake deep in the dark forest. The men set up boats and quickly row across its ominously green surface. Meanwhile, Beowulf is feeling psyched, like how a football player feels right before a game. And Hrothgar is feeding him encouragement.
"You'll be fine Beowulf," the old king said. "Nobody is stronger than you."
Good job Hrothgar. That will feed his ego. Beowulf perked up.
"Indeed! I am the noble hero Beowulf, who fears absolutely nothing! I am Grendel-slayer, evil-crusher, Earth protector—"
Womanizer!" the others yell.
Beowulf ignored them. He dived headfirst into the disgusting lake water, only to resurface about a minute later. Hrothgar could barely make out Beowulf's words between his breaths and splashing.
"Armor…so…heavy," Beowulf stuttered, struggling to stay afloat. "DID ANYONE BRING FLOATIES?"
Hrothgar sighed loudly after hearing the almighty Beowulf's request.
"Our glorious hero," he muttered sarcastically.
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