I remember how fascinating and strangely satisfying to see your tsundere facade broken in that instant, even if it was for the brief span of time that your thin, soft neck was in my grip. The way your spindly legs kicked around pathetically, while your tiny, periwinkle little hands scrabbled at my knuckles, begging for release, spurred my insanity to further heights.
But, disregarding all of that, you found hope in me. You watched me kill my "siblings" in cold blood, only to turn to you and hold you by your neck.
There wasn't really anything special that you did when you said it. It was just the blind, almost childish hope that I could so easily be brought back from the brink that got me back to reality. Your soft, wiser-than-looks voice reached me while I was tucked in a fetal position in the back of my mind, and gave me the strength to look through my real eyes.
I recall how appalled I was at myself at finding myself doing this to you. Trance leaving me, I dropped to my knees as the loss of power weakened my legs. I looked at my shaking hands (ignoring the gross sensation as my fur shot out from my skin), and saw talons of a beast. My warped reflection on the cold metal underneath me showed me as a monster.
For the first time in a very long time, I cried. Not that you would notice it, of course, but in my mind. That, if not for you, I would have lost everything.
Even now, I see you as my savior. As the days of being a Hunter grow more and more lethargic, I find myself haunted by that memory. Chocolat has long gone (she found a boyfriend and, as I'm told, she's engaged), so it's really just you and me, while Merveille stops by every so often to check up on me (it's interesting; ever since she made the connection that she was, biologically, my mother, she's been very concerned about me).
I'm afraid of looking at myself in the mirror in these moods; I see the same monster that I did all of those years before. I see the grinning teeth of the beast that still lingers under my skin, and it seems to me mouthing to me: "I was so close."
But then you come and rub my back, and I grin and pretend that nothing was happening.
Then you take my hand and we leave the bathroom, but not fast enough for me not to steal a reassuring glance at the mirror.
All I see is my cocky grin and the bone hanging loosely out of my mouth.
I'll tell Merveille... err, Mother, about these hallucinations soon. But right now, I'm more content having a ham sandwich with Elh.