Characters: Sirius Black and Minerva McGonagall.
Notes: This includes Not-So-Serious-Sirius, Beater-Remus, Minor-Character-James, Peter-Who?, McKinnon-Bashing-But-Possible-Loving, Slytherin-Hatin', Minnie-Temper-Tantrums, the worst cheers imaginable, invitations to the Longbottom Baby Show, and one or two obscene jokes 'cause, hell, who wouldn't? I very much hope you enjoy!
Notes 2: Sirius isn't a Beater. Nor is he a Keeper, Chaser, or Seeker. In fact, he is never once mentioned to have played Quidditch. He's never once mentioned to have ridden a broom. The only contact he's said to have had with a broom is giving Harry his firebolt. On that note, good luck, and on with the commentary!
"Welcome, students and Professors, to the final of the 1978 Quidditch World Cup! Or, you know, the Hogwarts' World Cup anyway. I'm your commentator, due to bad decision making, a bet between Slughorn and Minnie, and the fact that nobody else would even be paid to do this job. That's right, Gryffindorks, Slytherswines, Ravenwhores and Huffleduffs, I'm seriously back... it's Sirius Black!"
"Mr Black, please introduce the players. Or at least what Houses are playing!"
"Right you are, Minnie, right you are. In the red corner we have the GRYFFINDOR TEAM! Keep the applause comin', kids. And in the green corner, we have the SLYTHERIN TEAM! That's some expert booing, Gryffindor. Ravenclaw, your chants are getting more inspiring each match. Hufflepuff, raise those flags!"
"It is not appropriate to have billboards saying 'Slytherin Never Wins', Mr Black!"
"Hey, it's not me. I'm intentionally and drastically wittier, Minnie; those Hufflepuffs never learn, I'm afraid. But anyway, may I please welcome the Captain of the Gryffindors and (by his standards) star Chaser, Mr James POTTER! Your other, less experienced Chasers this fine morning are Miss Dorcas MEADOWES and Mr Lucian HART! Round of applause, please, they're trying their best. Love you too, Dorcas! Smashing girl.
"And your Bludger-me-nots, your hitting-people-for-a-living players, it's your Beater, Miss Marlene MCKINNON! And substitute Beater for our dearly departed to the Hospital Wing, Mr Michael Finch, it's Mr Remus LUPIN!"
"Mr Black, may you please refrain from screaming the last names of students in my ear."
"It's all in good fun, Minnie. Don't look at me like that, Moony, she likes it really! Moving on, though, to the better of the Keepers in this soon-to-be-stunning match, Miss Alice LONGBOTTOM! Yeah, it's Longbottom, Alice; we've all seen the way you stare at Frank. Oh, this Keeper's got fighting spirit! And, ladies and gentlemen, trolls and hags, werewolves and vampires, Minnie and Hagrid, I present to you the one-in-seven, the man worth 150 points, Mr Caradoc DEARBORN!"
"Oh sweet Merlin."
"Siriusly, Minnie, just call me serious. Ha! Never gets old, that one. So, on the Slytherin side, we turn to the chasers-of-the-title, the right-on-your-broomtail Chasers; Pucey, Greengrass and Goyle!"
"Mr Black, did you even bother to learn the first names of the Slytherin team?"
"They prefer their last names, Minnie. Look, they're waving! And now for your going-to-be-beaten Beaters, it's Captain Bole and that other one, Fitz-something-or-other! Now, now, those bats are for Bludgers, not Blacks. But now we have the can't-keep-up Keeper, Bulstrode! And for our final Slytherin member, it's your seeking-a-brain Seeker, my brother from a harpy-mother, Regulus Black!"
"Just... start the match, Black."
"Ohh, Minnie, no 'Mr Black.' I feel honoured. But yes; that was the whistle! Potter's flying, flying... was that a Turkish Twiddle? It was! Potter takes the Quaffle from Pucey, speeds up the pace. Don't hang about, Potter, throw the damn ball! Better. Meadowes has the Quaffle, she flies past Goyle, and 10 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!"
"Mr Black! You're speaking into a megaphone, everybody can hear you anyway!"
"Well, Minerva, if you want to go somewhere more private... and it's another 10 points to Gryffindor! It's 20: nil in favour of the reds. Potter still has the Quaffle and - oh, foul play! Pucey's taken it back, and it's a race to the finish hoop. Pucey shoots... Longbottom SAVES! Still 20: nil."
"It's Roberts, Black, not Longbottom."
"Yeah, for now. Get your wedding robes ready, Minnie, or at least your baby shower ones. Bole hits the Bludger straight at Dearborn, but Lupin hits it back! Bole looks an-gry. Phew. Close call there for the Gryffindor Seeker. Hart has the Quaffle, he shoots, and he SCORES! 30 points to Gryffindor! Go go Gryffindor! Go go Gryffindor!"
"Mr Black, this is supposed to be an un-biased, just commentary."
"If you wanted that, Minnie, you should have hired a Hufflepuff. NO! Goyle has the Quaffle, Fitz-something hits the Bludger straight at a following Meadowes - she's off her broom! Goyle shoots, and he scores. 30:10 to Gryffindor.
"Meadowes instructs to resume the game - thank Merlin it was her non-throwing arm - and we're off! Potter has the Quaffle; aims at the centre hoop - oops, shouldn't have said that. Bulstrode saves the ball."
"Mr Black! Mordred, focus on the game, but don't give away tactics!"
"Sorry, Minnie. I don't know what came over me. Goyle has the Quaffle, passes to Greengrass - who drops it! Hart grabs the ball straight from under Greengrass' feet, and we're back. And - what's this? Bole and Pucey have cornered Hart, and - COME ON REF, THAT'S A FOUL IF I'VE EVER SEEN ONE, which I have - it's a penalty for Gryffindor! Potter takes it, and it's 40:10 to Gryffindor!"
"The Slytherin Captain calls for a time-out. Wonder why. Is it illegal to bash your own players over the head? Apparently not. But, as we're here, let's go and talk to the students themselves!"
"Mr Black. I have to object to-"
"No time, Minnie, no time. Ah, Miss Evans! How would you say Potter's flying is today? Is he on, er, top form?"
"I uphold the right to remain silent."
"Of course you do, of course you do. That's a 'yes, Black, and he looks stunningly fit' to you and me. Longbottom! Your wife's out playing on the field today; what do you think of her superb keeping so far?"
"She's doing great, and she's not my wife!"
"Yeah; yet. Moving round to the Hufflepuff stands, we have Miss Amelia Bones! How's that cheering section coming along?"
"Gryffindor, Gryffindor, we'll kick your arses out the door! Pot-ter, Pot-ter, you've got two eyes, we've got four! Gryffindor, Gryffindor, make some noise and hear us roar!"
"It could be going better, I suppose."
"I see, I see. Keep working at it, love. In the Ravenclaw stands, we've got Miss Emmeline Vance, perfecting her charms! Look up from that book, Missy, there's a game going - oh, right. But be ready for when it does! Care to share your charms?"
"It's a lion eating a snake."
"Ever the conversationalist, aren't we? Well, toodlepip! I'd go round to the Slytherin stands, but I like my face, and certain other parts of my anatomy, so let's head back to the commentary box!"
"Mr Black, the game is about to restart!"
"Is it? Well, what d'ya know? Hart has the Quaffle... Lupin hits a Bludger straight at Goyle! That brut of a man is off the pitch, and Slytherin is down to six players! Nice job, Moony. Hart shoots... and it's saved by the Slytherin Keeper, Bulstrode! The Seekers are awfully quiet, aren't they?
"Oh well. We're back with Potter, and it's taken by one of two remaining chasers, Greengrass. She's flying, Longbottom swerves, and it's in the goal! 40:20, still to Gryffindor.
"And now, a heart-warming message to you, our peers, our Peeves and our Professors; it's not just the last match of the season, but for four amazing Gryffindors, it's their last match in these red Quidditch robes. Can we please give a goodbye salute to Potter, Lupin, Meadowes and McKinnon, despite the latter being pretty useless so far. Hey, don't look at me like that; I called you pretty, didn't I? It's probably one of the Slytherin's last match as well, but if we don't know who, then we're not exactly going to care are we?"
"I've stayed silent for too long, Mr Black; because I thought you might actually give some inspiration. Get back to the match. Honestly, I thought better of you."
"Really, Minnie? Why?"
"... I don't really know, Mr Black. For those of you still watching the final, the scores are 80:70 to Slytherin."
"NO! Potter, get your arse back on that broom, and win this goddamn match! Anyway. Meadowes has the Quaffle; she's flying to the hoops - this girl's on fire! - she shoots... YES! SHE SCORES! 80 all.
"And... is that... no, it can't be! It is! McKinnon is doing something! Ladies and gentlemen, get your streamers ready! She hits the Bludger straight at Black - no, not me, the less attractive one - and sends him swerving. Why, you ask? Because he was looking idiotic, I'm sure."
"Mr Black. Please keep personal feelings off of the pitch!"
"But Minnie, Quidditch is to let out your frustrations, even if you're not playing the game. And during this time, Meadowes has scored! 90:80 to Gryffindor."
"And what's this? It appears as though the Seekers have sought out the Snitch! Dearborn seems an inch closer than Black - although in my case, it's an inch closer to the ground, if you catch my drift - but they're both flying for the title. It's gonna be a close call."
"That was sleazy, under-handed, outrageous, inappropriate-"
"And I'm sure you're very proud of yourself, Minnie, but we have a Snitch to catch! Black's flying under the stands; Dearborn is right on his broomtail... oh look, the Snitch! Here, Snitchy Snitchy... Abort, abort! Close call there. But what's this? Dearborn has the snitch! Dearborn has the snitch! GRYFFINDOR WINS! SUCK ON THAT, SLYTHERSWINES!"
"GO GO GRYFFINDOR! GO GO GRYFFINDOR! POT-TER, POT-TER, YOU'VE GOT TWO EYES, WE'VE GOT FOUR! GO GRYFFINDOR!"
"I'm the Head of Gryffindor House, Mr Black. It's times like these where I am allowed to show a little preference. GRYFFINDOR, GRYFFINDOR, WE'LL KICK YOUR ARSES OUT THE DOOR!"
"I feel as though we've all learnt a lot this fine Quidditch match. Marlene McKinnon holds a grudge, Potter's ego really does almost prevent his broom from getting off the ground, Lily Evans is attracted to that same speckly git over there, and Minerva McGonagall can in fact show some House Pride. Oh, and for those of you who don't know, THE LONGBOTTOM BABY SHOWER'S AT SIX TONIGHT, GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM! BRING YOUR OWN ALCHOHOL!"
"She's not my wife!"