Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda. Shigeru Miyamoto does.
Warning: I've been playing some OoT lately and I read some stuff regarding the Unicorn Fountain and the Running Man. This is a OoT/WoG troll-fic that I wrote to relieve some stress I received from final exams. It has some good advice, so please read. One more thing: buckle up for some squick.
"MAH BOI!" King Harkinian shouted as Link walked in.
"What's the problem your majesty?" Link was exhausted from his race with the Running Man.
"Did you win?" The King asked.
"Yeah! I won! I threatened to chop off his legs if he didn't let me win, and it worked!" Link gloated.
"I'm so proud of you Mah Boi!" The King was shedding tears as he gave Link a victory hug. "Did you win a prize?"
"Well, I won this key." Link held a gold key in his hand.
The King examined the key. "This key opens the gate to the Unicorn Fountain! You must go to Zora's Domain! The fountain is under the ice!" Link nodded and used Farore's wind to teleport to Zora's domain.
At the Unicorn Fountain, Link found a giant unicorn statue with a door. Link opened the door and found a treasure chest inside. He opened the treasure chest and took the item.
DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN! It was a super-rare collector's edition of Playrule!
"Oh boy! I'll be beating my bishop with the King and Gwonam all night!" Link rejoiced. He then used Farore's Wind to return to Hyrule Castle.
"Well Mah Boi?" The King asked eagerly.
"I found this!" Link exclaimed as he showed him the ultra-rare Playrule Magazine! DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!
"Oh Mah Boi! This is exactly what all gentlemen strive for!" The King rejoiced as he hugged Link. "Hey Gwonam! Look what Mah Boi Link found!"
"Oh Squadala! This is a miracle!" Gwonam looked at the front page. "The front cover mentions about the Kakariko Cucco Lady and her milk bottles!"
"Let's take a look and fap!" The trio thought pervertedly.
Sure enough, Anju's milk bottles were the size of boulders. They also sparkled like high-class bone-china vases.
"Oh yeah!" The King, Gwonam, and Link shouted like the Kool-Aid guy in Family Guy as they spanked their monkeys for hours to Anju's milk bottles.
"What's going on?" Zelda asked. She then heard the sound of fapping and noticed the King, Link, and Gwonam sitting in a pile of cum wearing perverted grins and reading Playrule! Zelda stormed out of the castle with rage, only to return with an army of 9000 Cuccos.
"Dinner!" Zelda shouted as she pointed to the trio of perverts, who were too busy choking their own Cuccos.
The 9000 Cuccos punished the trio for their sins by pecking them to death. The 9000 Cuccos then took massive acidic shits on the three men and dissolved them into molecules. Ganon popped out of nowhere and said "Die!" before dissolving in the acidic shit. The 9000 Cuccos also dissolved due to exposure from acidic shit vapors.
Zelda became queen of Hyrule, and everyone celebrated the deaths of the King, Link, Gwonam, and Ganon.
The fucking end.
Let this be a lesson to all men: do not read dirty magazines in front of a lady. There is no sympathy for perverts (I'm guilty as charged).