A Dunder Mifflin Baby Shower
Summary: Brittany and Santana bring their baby to work for the first time. Future!fic - Part of the Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch 'Verse.
A/N: Just a little ficlet (that I wrote in about an hour so I apologize if it's not that quality) to hold you over before I can finish Chapter 9 of DuMi LiBra. Feel free to check out my tumblr at hufflepuffandpass . tumblr . com
(The parking lot of Dunder Mifflin, where Brittany and Santana are bringing their newborn to work for everyone to meet for the first time)
"Do you have her diaper bag?"
Brittany nods. "Check."
"And her blankie?"
"What about her –" Santana begins to say when Puck rushes out of his truck to greet them.
"Lesbopez!" he calls. "I hardly recognized you without a pussy attached to your face."
BRITTANY: Puck decided to drop by uninvited the other day because someone thought it would be a good idea if he had a key.
SANTANA: That was all Lord Tubbington.
BRITTANY: Yeah, well Lord Tubbington wasn't the pussy you were licking when Puck came in.
(The office – where Sunshine, the receptionist, gasps)
"Hey, I didn't know you two were coming in today," Sunshine says cheerfully. "And you brought the baby!"
"We were blackmailed by Puck in exchange for his silence," Santana says.
"What name did you decide on?" Sunshine asks.
"Cristina Denise," Brittany and Santana respond in unison.
"Oh! Look at the widdle baby," Jesse coos. "Cwistina… it's your Uncle Jesse."
"I used to have one of those," Emma tells him.
"What's all the fuss?" April says, yawning. There's a lines on her face where she's clearly been sleeping at her desk. She grins when she sees the baby. "Hey there little darlin'! I could just eat you right up!"
"Please back away," Brittany says to April fearfully. "I can never tell when you're being serious."
Terri steps out of her office. "Santana!" she scolds. "That is not the name we agreed on."
"I didn't agree to anything," Santana replies. "I was not about to name my baby Terri – silent Del – Monica Lopez."
"Fine! You could've switched it around. Monica Terri. Either way, I think as her godmother I should've gotten dibs," Terri says. "Guess you can always name the next one after me."
"No," Brittany says bluntly.
TERRI: I've never been more insulted in my life. Terri's a beautiful name, even if it has the misfortune of rhyming with 'scary'.
APRIL: Brittany had a baby? I didn't even know she was pregnant… but I do remember going to something with lots of baby-themed activities. I just thought it was a birthday party for Kurt's boyfriend.
SANTANA: Before the baby was born, everyone at the office decided to throw us a shower. Seeing as I wasn't the one having the baby, I didn't think I had to go. I was wrong.
(Flashback to the conference room – where Santana and a very pregnant Brittany are sitting together, surrounded by their coworkers)
"Why do I have to be here?" Sam complains.
Quinn hisses, "Because childbirth is a beautiful thing! And I'm the only person in this room who's experienced it. And wherever I go, you follow even though I stopped tugging at the leash a long time ago. Besides, all of the guys are here."
"I thought you said there was like, blood and guts everywhere," Sam says to Brittany's horror.
"Actually, I had twins," April informs Quinn. "But you're right about all of the nasty stuff. I gave birth in a Walmart, so the manager called out over the speaker, 'Cleanup on Aisle 9!' Lucky for that poor bastard who had to clean up that also happened to be the bleach aisle. I was gettin' some for my hair."
"Please get me out of here," Brittany whispers to Santana.
"I can't. I'm paralyzed by fear," Santana whispers back. "And I know this sounds like a strange request, but I'm going to need you to find your ex-fiancé and steal his wheelchair before we can leave."
TERRI: Children are the bane of my existence – particularly my three devil nephews – but I'm actually really looking forward to Brittany and Santana's child. I got it an embroidered bib from Pottery Barn and I'm almost certain they're going to name it after me. Terri could be a girl or a boy's name. It's unisexual.
(The baby shower – where the group is playing games)
"This one is called Pin the Sperm on the Egg," Rachel explains. "You take this sperm, we spin you around and then you try to fertilize that ovum on the wall. Got it? Santana, you first."
Santana accepts the balloon with a pin attached to it. "Thanks, Rachel. I can't tell you how long it's been since I was this close to a sperm."
On the other side of the room, Quinn explains another game to Brittany. "I used the office's new microwave to melt some chocolate bars. Then I put them on some diapers and you guys have to guess what kind of candy it is."
"Why would you do that to perfectly good chocolate bars?" Finn asks.
"Why would you do that to perfectly good diapers?" Brittany says incredulously.
Terri inspects the diapers. "Do you think I could get some of those for the raccoon or would he just chew right through them?" she asks April.
April looks up from the diaper she's licking. "Hell if I know. Damn, these things sure are absorbent! I couldn't get any more poo off this thing if my tongue were a vacuum!"
Emma's face turns green at the sight. "I think I might have to make an exception to my 'never use the bathroom at work' rule so I can empty my stomach contents. But not before I wipe the toilet down."
SANTANA: After I stopped being dizzy from spinning around trying to pin that damn sperm on the egg – and trust me, no one else got a turn until I nailed it – I looked over at my beautiful, loving wife. And seeing everyone interact with Brittany made me realize that I am never bringing my daughter to work.