Plot: After your brother betrays you do you love him or hate him? Forgive him or leave him to rott? Or do you meet the choices half way and do a mix of both?

AU: My excuse? ANGST! That's right! I've been reading nothing but angst and oddly enough my life is pretty damn good and all I want is angst! So I wrote a story where every one is probably out of character but its for the sake of ANGST! I think, I don't know if I can do angst right...ah! I'm angsting! XD Or am I way too damn happy to do it right? Shrugs...


Chapter one: mutilation

Leo's POV

I shut the door soundly behind me and leaned against it for a moment before securely locking it. Truth be told, I was surprised I still had a lock let alone a door to shut myself off from the world, even I knew I couldn't be trusted anymore. Why bother giving me a way to be secretive? I shook my head though, it didn't matter any more I wasn't going to be here for very much longer and wanted to get this over with before any one had a chance to argue with my descision. Leaving was cowardly, but wasn't I? I hadn't been a fearless leader in months or a leader for that matter or my father's student...just his cowardly son. Mind you, I don't think I'm really even that anymore. I hated seeing that torn look in my father's eyes every time he stole a glance at me. Should he pretend I never did anything and love me? Should he force sepuku on the son who almost killed his enire family? Banish him? Remember everything and make his life as miserable as possible? Learn to accept it? I never knew what to expect. At first it was only disgust. After awakening and confirming to him that I was indeed the one who lead to the destruction of our home, he wouldn't stop screaming. I don't mind, I derserved it but Don wouldn't allow him to come near me for awhile after that. Then after awhile he ignored me after claiming I was no longer his student but never clearly stating if I was his son or not. He was a bit torn between yes and no months after he stopped ignoring me as I cleaned the house and he tried to be pleasant still having the look of distraught in his eyes as he watched me.

My brothers...were just as bipolar except Don who I think is in denial about the whole situation. Like a few weaks ago when Mikey 'accidently' hit me with a kunai during practice while I was cleaning the tatomi matts, Don was instantly at my side checking me over. I was fine but he still insisted I go to bed and stay there as he bitched out Mikey. And if I ever remind him of my sin, he harshly slaps me across the face and has a whole speech ready on how it was never my fault and will never be my fault. Sometimes I wish I could live in his head.

Mikey...Mikey...rightly hates his big brother. But I would too if the only explanation I got for being betrayed was 'I trusted him'. I swear I still feel the slap every time I think back to that day.

Raph...lates or hoves me depending on how you want to pronouce the word. Yes, I had to create new words to describe the feeling my brother has for me. He never acts cassually about the times he feels contempt for me like Splinter and Mikey. No, he acts like there's a revenge that he must take for me. I'm never a stanger in the room who you can only make small talk with, I'm the brother he wants to coherse into action to reclaim the honor the foot clan stole from me. Or he's screaming or making snide insults to me about how cowardly and worthless I am. But both lead back to this feeling that I need to kill someone to reclaim what I once lost. Me, I don't believe that. If I go out without training in so long I would just end up dead. Maybe that's what he wanted along...I'll never know. He's not around long enough anymore to get the chance to elaborate what he wants me to do. Besides, it won't end well if I leave to go near him without gaining back atleast some respect from sensei. It could easily be turned around against me and I would have gained nothing back...I needed to prove I could listen and be trusted but sometimes I think it will never happen. Its been months and I swear when he is saying pleasant small talk to me he is pretending I'm someone else just by how abrutly the mood changes once he says my name.

My thoughts slip away from me and I am once more in the present. I don't think I have much time before Don awakes from the side effect I left in his tea and Raph returns from...somewhere. I walked towards the bed and quickly pulled a battered suit case from underneath it then proceeded to pile as many papers, pens and books in it to keep me company in my shame. It was cowardly to leave but as established I was no longer fearless. Besides, it truly was for the best, if I left it would rid the home of the stench of shame and maybe make sensei and Mikey sleep better at night knowing I was no longer around to worry about betraying them. I stopped realizing I might only make their fears worse but shook my head remembering the plan. I would be gone forever before they had the chance to fear that again but taking my things would keep Don in his delusional world that there was still a chance of meeting again. I pause as I hit the bottom of the drawer of the desk to find a shuriken...while not unusual since I was once a ninja, but this one made my knees quake and my head fall with shame as I hit the floor grasping it tightly in my was a foot shuriken. Looking to the floor, I realized what a mess I had just made. Everything that had been neatly tucked away was now scattered across the floor. An ink bottle must have missed the toss into the suit case and now lay broken staining my sensei's floor. I felt horrible. I couldn't leave till this was cleaned. I blinked. Somewhere inside of me anger rose...why? Why did I need to clean it all up? I wasn't their servant, why had I slowly become it? The only one who nearly died from my betrayal was me, so why were they treating me so harshly? How had I gone from their leader to their house maid? Master Saki...I stopped before I could finish. Had I forgotten? Slowly I looked at the shuriken in my hand and before I fully knew what I was doing, I was reminding myself what I was.


The letter was carved perfectly in place on my left fore arm blood already streaming out, slowly with a feeling of perfection that I had not felt in a long while I made the letter deeper ingoring the twinging of pain.


How dare I forget! How dare I try to pretend it never happened! The feeling of joy I had when he told me things I should not know still burned bright in the back of my mind. Letting him steal my secrets...


At this point I was already feeling dizzy but I needed to finish it.


Blood oozed from me staining the floor, I would clean it up when I finished...


Blotches formed around my eyes but I needed to finish. I felt adrenaline pump through me causing the wound to bleed faster and my fingers trembled even faster but I needed to keep it deep so if I survived everyone would know I can't be trusted.


I felt slightly angery that the letters were starting to conect thanks to my quaking right hand but they were deep still and that's all that mattered.


I watched the blood ooze and felt so satisified...was it the pain or the fact I was finally saying what I was aloud in a way? I heard someone pound at the door and Raph's muffled words but I was too gone to care. It felt good. I shifted the bloody shuriken to my numb quaking left hand and held out my right fore arm. I hadn't only betrayed them after all, I failed my sensei. My arm quaked as I forced it to move but I needed to remind myself why I was no longer a part of this family.

"Open this damn door Leo! I want ta talk to ya!" Raph bellowed but I paid him no mind. He would understand why I couldn't reply after all. I was too weak to deepen the word into the other arm and was beyond angery to realize I could barely make out the letters but it could have been the fact that I felt I was about to pass out...they were deep enough to scar though. I was about to deepen the thin last letter when the door bust open.

"Leo!" he snapped angery that he had to resort to breaking the door down when I was obviously in the room. I wondered what he must be thinking as he steps in to see me with my shell to him, my head tilted and those annoying whimpers coming from my mouth every now and then while I still continue to ingnor him sitting in the middle of my destoyed room. I feel bad as I feel his panic, I really should have cleaned up...

He bends next to me and even though I keep my head bowed to the floor feeling very light headed I know he has a look torn between anger and panic as he grabs my bleeding right arm.

"" he fumbles trying to get the right word,"What...did you do?"

"I'll clean it up in a moment..." I mumbled not sure how long I have before I pass out.

"No! Stupid!" he scolds making me tense as he pulls me close,"Your arms..."

"I forgot..." I mumble finally giving into to blood loss,"So I reminded myself."


I love the taste of angst in the morning! Don't you? But could you serisously tell me if its good or not or if you really think its worth continuing?