God, I've missed you. It's been too long since I've uploaded. I'm still extremely busy and tied up with School work but this just ended up being written. Hope you enjoy!
Aria wasn't answering her phone. I kept calling but there was no reply. I thought about leaving her a message but that seemed futile as I was going to be seeing her in a few minutes. Well, hopefully.
My tires squealed against the tarmac as I put the car into park. It was parked half way between my spot and Mr Galwin's but I didn't care. He could yell at me later.
The ride up to my apartment in the elevator was the longest journey I've ever had to make. I could feel it in my heart that she'd be gone, that I had lost her, but I couldn't let myself believe. I had faith in our relationship, even if she'd lost her faith in me.
I hesitated outside my door, completely silent as I strained my ears to hear movement. There was nothing.
My hand was shaking as I unlocked the door, the keys jingling from my fear. I sucked in a breath and pushed the door forward, preparing myself for the worst. I'd have to make it up to her.
Just as I'd expected, the room was empty. I let out the breath I'd been holding and slammed the door behind me. I hated what I'd done to us. I wanted my girlfriend back.
How long had she waited? I'd told her to be here at six. I glanced at my watch and sighed heavily when it read that it was now eight fifteen. This was totally messed up, like, out of proportion messed up. How did we get this way?
Jackie didn't mean anything to me. Sure, I'd definitely still had feelings for Jackie when Aria walked into my life but that changed the minute she said, "And I write, too." Jackie had been my first love, but Aria was my last. I needed to make her see that the only reason I didn't tell her about Jackie working at Hollis was because I was scared abut how she'd react, not because I wanted to do anything with Jackie. That chapter in my life is well and truly over, kaput, end of the line, finito, never going to happen again in a million years. Aria was it for me, she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the mother of my children.
With a heaving sigh, I collapsed onto my couch, my brain desperately trying to think of a way to fix this mess. She obviously didn't want to talk to me in school and she never comes over any more… I didn't know how we were supposed to get past this if she wouldn't even let me near her. Perhaps I should write to her, I've always been better at expressing my feelings on paper than out loud.
I grabbed a beer from the fridge and ordered a Chinese before sitting down at my desk. It looked cleaner than usual, had Aria tidied? Man, she must have been bored. With a sigh I picked up a pen and began.
I know I've messed up but you've got to let me see you. I'm going crazy. Please, I love you. – Ezra
No, that's too brief. Maybe a letter? I could go I early tomorrow and stick it in her locker.
When I met you…
No. I scrunched up the page and grabbed a new one.
What will it take to -
Goddamn it! Why was I finding it so hard? I never had trouble finding words. Aria was the only one to ever make my tongue tied, but pen tied, really? Was that even thing? I pulled out another page and began once more, a picture of her laughing face in my mind. She was my muse.
I can't stop thinking about the last time you were here (not including last Saturday morning), when it was just you and me and paper bags over our heads. If I had known that holding you in my arms that night might have been the last time, I would have never let you go.
You need to understand that Jackie means absolutely nothing to me. Not anymore. But you do, Aria, you mean more to me than anything in the world. There's not a day goes by that I don't count my blessings for having met you that day in the bar, that you were jet-lagged and, for some probably not too smart reason, willing to talk to a stranger. Aria, B-26, falling in love with you has been the scariest, most insane thing to happen to me in my entire life, but I wouldn't trade one second of our relationship for anything.
I know we seem to have lost our way recently, probably me more than you, but never for a second would I have lied to you if I knew that it would hurt you so much. I was just so scared that, after how you reacted to the picture, you'd leave me. That's the only reason I didn't tell you. It wasn't because I wanted something or somebody else, not because you're sixteen and I'm twenty-three, but because the idea of losing you drives me crazy. The idea that I may have lost you now is driving me crazy.
When we first started out, when I was too stupid and caught up in my morals to see that I was letting the greatest girl in the world slip away, you fought for us. You told me once that we should forget about the world and "not care together". Can we still do that? Can we forget about the world around us, the ex girlfriends and the Noels? I also said that night that I wanted to be with you. And I do, Aria, I want to be with you until my last breath.
I'm sorry I let you down. I love you.
I signed off my name and stretched, feeling lighter now that all the words I had longed to say to her were finally out there. As I stretched back, I glanced to my side and a piece of paper in the typewriter caught my eye.
It was a note from Aria.
With shaking hands I reached for the page and pulled it towards me. There, in her perfectly swirly writing, were the words that I never wanted to hear come from her mouth,
I'm sorry we couldn't make this work, Aria.
I tried to breath but my lungs seemed to have gone on strike. The air wouldn't go in and I felt like I was choking. It didn't feel like this when Jackie had broken it off, not even when she said the words, "I can't settle down with you. You're just not it for me."
"Please, no," I gasped, reading the words over and over again, waiting for them to disappear or rearrange themselves into something else, something that didn't mean that the best thing to ever happen to me was over because of something so stupid.
"Fuck!" I exclaimed, slamming my hands onto the desk and pushing away from it. I scrunched her note up in my hand and flung it across my room before tearing the letter I'd written to her up into pieces, watching as they sprinkled the floor like paper snow.
My buzzer sounded just as I picked up by beer bottle, ready to smash it against the door. I didn't know what I was so angry at. Aria? Myself? This cruel world? My inability to hold onto the women I love?
The buzzer was for my Chinese. I shoved the money into the delivery guy's hand when he arrived at the door, grabbing the food and not waiting for change as I slammed the door in the confused man's face. I wasn't usually that rude to the people who deliver food, but I desperate to be alone with my sorrows.
I sat on my couch, not bothering to use a plate for the meal, content to just eat out of the container. It felt wrong eating Chinese without Aria and my heart clenched at the idea that I was going to have to get used to it.
My fortune cookie fell out of the bag as I pulled out my chow mein and pancake roll. I held it in my hand, not really caring much for what it had to say unless it was 'Aria will take you back'. Aria was always the one who opened the cookies, mine included. She believed in that stupid fortune telling stuff, something that constantly baffled and amused me.
Sighing, I cracked it open, the greasy crunch making me feel more alone than ever. What was she doing now? Why did she give up on us? Should I give up? I needed answers; I needed to know that I could fix this.
You must give up the life you had planned, in order to have the one that is waiting for you.
My eyes widened as I read the words. That was one of my favourite quotes. I'd read it in a book by Joseph Campbell in college and it had always resonated with me. Only now, the words seemed to take on a whole new meaning.
It was as if the words were written for Aria and I. I don't need to be a teacher; I don't need to have the 9-5, beer in the evening, Sunday brunch, ordinary life that I'd expected and planned. That life ceased to exist the moment my eyes met hers. Aria is the life that I was born to have, and I wasn't going to let her slip away.
I hope you liked it! As it is very unlikely that I'll upload anything till February, I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas or whatever you celebrate and an awesome New Year.
Please, be charitable and drop a review ;) If you don't, I'll tell Santa not to bring you Ian Harding.