Contest: Season of Our Discontent Anonymous Angst Contest
Pen Name(s) (will be removed before we post): Dragonfly336
Twitter or Facebook (will be removed before we post): Twitter: Dragonfly336 Facebook: Dragnfli Threethreesix
Title: Downward Spiral
Picture Prompt Number: #4
Word Count (minus A/n and header): 6,547
Summary (250 characters or less, including spaces and punctuation): My entire being is wrapped around him, focused on his needs. How much of my soul am I willing to give for the one I love?
Warnings and Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. This story contains graphic descriptions of drug use/abuse. If you have triggers, you might not want to read. Also contains character death and implied sexual assault.
A/N: Thank you to Les16 & Obsmama for being the best prereaders ever. Thank you to JaimeArkin for being the best beta ever. I love you guys and couldn't have done this without you!
My eyes are closed.
I wipe my mouth.
I hear the sound of a zipper being pulled up.
Something flutters to the ground that incites me to open my eyes.
Footsteps echo and recede away from me.
My hands are shaking as I look down and see the dirt and grime underneath my fingernails. Laying on the ground are two crumpled bills.
My breath hitches.
My hands quickly grab the money and ball it in my fist.
Rising to my feet, I stuff my hand in my pocket, determined not to lose what I've earned.
My feet carry me across the floor, the only sound is the dirt crunching under my steps.
I'm in the stairwell, footsteps echo as I make my way down. I slow myself, the anxiousness rising up through my being...screaming at me to hurry. I don't want to fall, though. That would be my luck.
I get to the bottom.
People are everywhere.
I scan the room seek out the one I want...far corner.
I flex my hand, it's sweaty, making the bills wet.
I bend my head, hair covering my face as I look to the floor, trying to avoid notice.
This time I move quickly.
He snorts in disbelief. "That must've been some head, B."
My head lowers, cheeks hot.
"Just give me the damn shit, J." Mumbled words.
Hands out, goods exchanged.
I open my mouth, bags placed under my tongue.
This is the part I hate. They know. They watch. They want.
Head down, I quickly make my way towards the door.
I hear footsteps jogging up behind me.
"Hey," the voice says. Ignoring, I keep moving.
"I said hey B!" the voice is louder. A hand on my shoulder stops me. Shit! My body is trembling. Fear, worry, anxiety…I need to get to that door.
There is a slight pressure on my shoulder and I turn towards it.
"Let's party, come on." He cocks his head to the corner.
Fuck…my mind starts working. I could just go over there and do one. Calm down. Then leave. I could just give him a little.
No! Shit, why am I even thinking this?
"No Seth, I really gotta get outta here."
He takes an aggressive step towards me. I step back. My mind screaming at me to run.
His hand is on my face, squeezing my cheeks together. "Come on B, I know you don't want to wait."
My eyes are searching, looking anywhere but his eyes. I know if I look into them and see the desperation there, I'll cave.
His face gets closer, whispered breath near my ear. "I'll make it worth your time." I feel his hand move down my body and I shudder.
GO! My hands push at his shoulders. His hand tightens on my cheeks, grabs my waist, keeping me too him, desperate for what's in my mouth.
What he doesn't know though, is that I'm desperate too, and not just for myself.
I try to get my balance, his fucking hand squeezing harder on my cheeks. I'm about to knee him, when he's pulled away, fingers scratch across my face.
I can barely make out a big form, dragging Seth away.
I take that as my cue and hurry to the door, bursting out onto the dimly lit street. The cool air hitting my face, stinging as I realize there are tears on my cheeks. I wipe my face and hiss.
I look at my hand as I walk and notice the blood. "Fuck," mumbled as I drag my sleeve over my face where that fucker scratched me.
I move quickly through the streets, anxious to get 'home' and to him. I start to jog as I see the sign out front.
Pushing open the front door, I nearly run to the stairwell.
"Ms. Swan, rent is due, end of the week."
Shit. A new type of anxiousness fills my stomach.
I make it to the stairwell and pause. What the fuck are we going to do about rent? I let out a shaky breath and push the feeling of dread out of my mind. I'll deal with that later, we've got three days.
I sprint up the stairs, walk down the hall with keys in hand. Hands shake as I try to get the key in the door, finally sliding in and cooperating.
It's dark as I enter and I see his silhouette by the window. I flick the light on and his head turns to me. I swallow. I can see the sheen of sweat on his face.
"Did you get it?" his quiet voice asks.
I taste bile in my throat. Fuck baby that feels good. Suck that dick. I squeeze my eyes closed. "Uh..." clearing my throat, "Yeah."
I shake my head and open my eyes, turning to lock the door.
"Thank fucking Christ." He tries to stand and stumbles a bit.
"Just sit," I tell him, making my way to the little table. Everything is out and waiting. I drop the bags on the table. He looks and then raises his eyes to mine. Green, bloodshot, piercing. He wants to say something, but I shake my head.
He nods and grabs the spoon. His hands are shaking so bad.
"Here, let me do it," I tell him. The spoon slides across the table and he reaches up to pull the curtain closed.
The ritual begins.
I light the candle.
Grabbing a bag, I bite off the top and dump half into the spoon.
I pick up the syringe and dip it in the cup of water, pulling back on the plunger, dropping the water into the spoon.
I carefully lift the spoon over the candle…my heart is pounding and I try to steady my hand.
He pushes up his shirt sleeve and I can feel his anticipation as I take the spoon away from the heat.
I drop some cotton in, and pick up the syringe.
His hand is on mine.
"Are you gonna shoot?"
"I-I don't know."
"I could do it for you," he told me quietly, almost lovingly while his voice wavered.
I continue to prepare the needle. My foot bounces.
"But, you should go first, you need it," voice fading as I look at his jittery hands.
His gaze drifts to his hands. "I couldn't help you then."
"S'okay, next one. We have enough."
"Bella, just do another one and I'll help you, then I can just do me after."
I nod my head quickly, knowing that arguing about whether or not I was doing this, would just prolong his suffering, plus I really want to do it.
I repeat my actions from before and he hands me another needle.
I watch him kneel on the floor and make his way over to me as I finish. He grabs something and puts it next to the chair.
Shifting my body toward him, I roll up my sleeve. I glance to the floor where I saw him place something and notice the waste basket. I look to him with a questioning gaze.
"Just in case," he explains as he takes the belt from the table and wraps it around my bicep.
He grabs the needle, moves in between my legs and pauses. Looking up into my eyes, he takes a trembling hand and tenderly caresses my cheek. Eyes close and I let out a long, unsteady breath.
I feel the slight pinch of the needle and I hear a whisper, "Hold tight baby."
Warmth spreads through my body and as it reaches my head, I suddenly lean over and empty my stomach in the trash can.
I straighten up and it feels like I am moving in slow motion. I look to where Edward was and he's leaning against the bed and has a beautiful smile on his face.
Reaching up, I touch my face and my skin tingles. I think I have a smile on my face too.
"C'mere," he says lazily. I slide off my chair and move towards him. I feel like I'm floating. I crawl to his side, wrapping myself around him as everything fades away.
I feel sunshine on my face and I turn my head to the side, opening my eyes. Tall, green grass stretches on as far as I can see. I look up and the warmth from the sun spreads over my skin, giving me a sense of peace. I turn my head the other way and stare into a different shade of green. My eyes are only focused on his. I feel so safe and protected as I get lost in them. Finally, I take in his whole face...the brilliant smile across his gorgeous face. He looks so young and carefree. I sigh and revel in the warmth, the love, the possibilities.
My eyes snap open and I gasp. It's dark and dingy, not sunny and beautiful. A single tear runs down the side of my face. I reach my hand to the side, still looking at the ceiling. I feel his hand and let out a slow breath. I notice that we're on the bed, and I can't recall moving here from the floor. I look towards the window and think that it must be close to dawn, judging by the faint lightness in the night sky.
Where the hell did the night go?
I close my eyes, desperately trying to get back to that beautiful dream. I can almost see the field.
...must've been some head...
My eyes squeeze tighter and I shake my head.
..make it worth your time...
My body starts to tremble, refusing to open my eyes...I see the huddled form of Edward, shaking from the sickness. His hand is open, "Did you get it?" He lifts his head and his eyes are a piercing red.
My eyes snap open and I scream. Something grabs at me and I scream again. I'm frantic and I start kicking my legs. I curl up on my side and cover my head, shaking so hard. Then I hear...
"Shhhh...baby, it's just me...shhhh...it's alright."
I feel his chest against my back and he's rocking me. I slowly regain my senses. His hands running through my hair, his gentle voice calming me down, the to and fro motion of his body against mine.
His arms are wrapped around me and I grab his hands, intertwining our fingers, intertwining our legs, feeling a tiny bit safe. I still hear him, clearer now, whispering in my ear how he's here, nothing's going to hurt me, he loves me, and I just can't help but break down and cry in his arms.
I hate this. I hate being so weak for him. I want to be strong all the time for my boy, but fuck if I just feel the weight sometimes.
"Tell me, baby. Tell me what you need."
"I-I...fuck...I can't fucking do this anymore Edward...p-please."
"Okay...okay, we'll figure something out. Please stop crying...please. I promise, tomorrow...we'll think of something when we get up...please stop...shhhh."
"I'm s-sorry, I can't s-stop." My whole body shudders. "Fuck, Edward."
"Tell me...tell me what you need," whispers in my ear, making me tremble for a different reason.
"I need you...need to feel something."
His face is in the crook of my neck, his breath hot against my skin. His arm moves down my body, his hand sliding into the front of my pants. His finger finds my clit, but I'm not wet yet. He remedies that by taking my ear lobe into his mouth, running his lips down my neck, feeling his cock start to harden against my ass.
Whispered words in my ear..."Is this what you need?"
Pushing my hips back to him, feeling the wetness start to come. I shake my head.
"No?" His hand suddenly gone. He grabs the waistband of my pants, tugging them down with one hand. I lift my hips. Pants around my knees and I feel his movement as he tries to pull his down. Panting breaths escape me as I anticipate. His arm still wrapped under and around me. He pulls me back against him.
I bend my knees and press my ass against him, he doesn't disappoint. I feel his cock slide between my legs. The wetness causes him to slide against me and the tip of him presses into my clit. He moves back and slides back up. I reach down, feeling him slide against me, he moves back again, and as he moves forward, I push him into me.
We gasp. He stills.
He wraps his other arm around me, holding me tight against him.
"This?" he asks.
And then he moves. Pushing into me and I push back. His arms so tight, it is almost painful, but I don't care. I need it.
There are no dirty words...no words at all. Just hums and panting breaths and moans and grunts and sighs. No talk of love...just embraces, fingers locked together, feet twined, hips thrusting.
I reach behind me and grab his hair, turning my head we frantically kiss. I'm close. I move my hand to his ass, pressing him into me harder, he complies.
He lets go of my hand, reaching down once again to my clit, finger rubbing circles. A louder moan escapes my lips. "Yeah?" he breathes.
I move my hips faster, chasing it. Tingles run through my body and I start to shake. One. More. Thrust. And he joins me, his grip across my chest, impossibly tighter and we rock and hold on and I don't want to let go.
His grip starts to loosen, I feel him leaving my body. I turn in his arms, looking into his eyes. So many emotions in his eyes. Love, sadness, self-loathing, relief, anger. I close my eyes and try to get closer.
"I love you."
"I need you."
"Don't let go."
I drift to sleep, surrounded by Edward.
I hear a door shut and consciousness slowly creeps in. I open my eyes and it's bright, probably around early afternoon.
I notice that Edward's not in bed with me and I feel a jolt of panic through my body, but then I hear the water running in the bathroom and my heart slows down. I let out an uneasy laugh at myself.
The water shuts off and a few minutes later, Edward emerges from the bathroom. He's running a towel through his hair and just has his sleep pants on. I notice how skinny he looks, but he still looks good to me. He smirks at me while I check him out.
"Morning," he says.
"Morning...right. What time is it anyway?"
"It's about one, I think," he responds.
He walks over and sits on the bed. Looking down at me, he brushes a piece of hair off my face and tucks it behind my ear. He leans over and kisses me sweetly.
"What should we do today?"
"Well, do we have anything to eat here?" I ask him and he shakes his head.
"I didn't think so. And we have no money."
"I bet Emmett's got food. Maybe we can go see him."
A vision of Emmett pulling Seth away last night flashes through my mind and I close my eyes.
"Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah." Last night seems like years ago. "I like that idea. Let me take a quick shower."
"I'll get dressed," he says as I make my way to the bathroom.
I get the shower nice and hot and I get in, immediately grabbing the soap and scrubbing my body. I stay under the hot water for awhile, letting it soothe my body.
As I walk back into our room, I take in Edward sitting on the bed, book in hand, legs out and crossed at the ankle. To anyone else, he would look relaxed...but I see the subtle shifts in his body. The way his feet are shaking in nervous energy, the way he keeps glancing at the table where it is.
I have to get him out of this place.
He sighs, "Yeah."
He gets off the bed and walks towards me, grabbing my hand. I look in his eyes. He looks back and my gaze follows his back to the table.
We almost made it.
I hear something as the fog begins to lift.
Fuck, what day is it?
The sound gets louder. I sit up, rub my eyes and then realize that the sound is someone knocking on the door.
I make my way over and open the door a crack.
"Where's the rent?"
"Sorry, I...umm...I just got up. I have to go to the bank."
"Okay, you better have it to me by the end of the night or you're out. You remember the agreement, right?"
"Yes. We'll have it."
I shut the door and go back to sit on the bed. Edward's still sleeping. And now, I think. I plan. I try to come up with something on how I'm going to get this money.
We've been late so many times that the landlord basically told us if the rent wasn't paid on the first that we'd be out.
I'm running out of options.
I head to the bathroom and wash up a little. No time for a shower, the anxiousness in my stomach pushes me to get out of here.
I stop at the bed on my way out. My heart aches as I look at him, so peaceful and beautiful in sleep. I don't want to disturb him but can't help it as my fingers run through his hair.
I'm suddenly overwhelmed by sadness as a vision of a previous version of us flashes in my head. How beautiful and full of life.
Tears well up in my eyes and I shake my head, frustrated.
Be strong, Bella.
I grab a piece of paper, quickly scribbling a note for Edward.
I decide to walk to the park. I find my bench and sit down.
My mind races with possibilities on how to get money, but everything that I come up with is quickly shot down, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get enough. I keep circling back to the one thing that I really do not want to do.
I take a deep breath, swallow what's left of my pride and pull out my phone, dialing the number.
I pause. Take another breath. "Hi, Alice."
"Shit…where are you?"
"At the park."
"I'll be right there." The phone disconnects.
I look at it and realize that I should have let her know this wasn't an emergency. This is the one thing that his parents still pay for, knowing that this is the only link to their son.
I pull my knees up to my chest and lay my head on my knees. Closing my eyes, I listen to the sounds of carefree children as they play, imagining myself running and laughing, being as buoyant as they are.
I feel her there before she acknowledges me.
Here we go.
I raise my head and take her in. Beautiful and intimidating as always.
"Wow, Bella, you really look like shit."
"Nice to see you too, Alice."'
"You know what would be nice? If we heard from you more than once every few months. It would also be nice if you even made an effort to look decent when you know you are going to see me. Then when I tell Mom and Dad that I have seen you guys, it wouldn't be so hard to lie when I say you looked fine."
I feel the need rising in me to tell her off, tell her to leave us alone, that we are fine, but I need her right now. And the logical part of my brain, knows she needs this…to get this off her chest.
"Jesus, you're killing them, Bella. You and my fucking asshole of a brother. They worry…constantly. I think they've aged ten years in the last two. I would kill him if he wasn't doing such a fine job of it himself. Fucking selfish bastard," she rants.
"He's sick," I throw in meekly.
A flash of compassion shows in her eyes. "Yeah, I know." She sighs. "Why did you call?"
"Rent's due." Her eyes widen before she turns her head away. "And I wouldn't have called if I had any options. I just…he'll throw us out if we don't have it today and you're the only person. Please, Alice."
She looks back at me, disbelief all over her face.
"So, you called me here for money?"
"Just great, Bella. How about this…how about you try and do something with your life? Try and find a job? Help yourself get better? Fuck, it makes me so sick. You guys are so much smarter and better than this. And you just sit there and let him walk all over you."
I shake my head. "It's not like that."
"Oh no? Then tell me what it's like."
I look at the ground and shake my head.
"That's what I thought. I really, really shouldn't do this. I should let you get kicked out and then maybe that would give you the kick in the ass you need to get yourselves straight."
"You know that wouldn't happen with him, it would make it worse."
She frowns, eyes glistening. "Yeah, I know. Please Bella. If I give this money to you, please make him call them. They just want to know he's alive. Can you do that?"
"I will. Thank you so much." It feels as if at least one huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
I walk into the lobby later, arms filled with grocery bags and make my way to the office. I place the bags down and place the money on his desk.
He looks up. "Thanks," he says, dismissing me.
I clear my throat and hold out my hand.
"Oh, I suppose you want a receipt?" he asks innocently.
"Damn straight I do." Shady fuckin' people.
I make my way up to our place.
I open the door and find Edward reading. He looks up from his book and smiles at me, noticing the bags in my hands. He comes over to me and kisses my cheek.
"Hey, missed you," he says as he takes the bags out of my hands.
I look around the place as I tell him I missed him as well. The whole place is clean. A small smile breaks through.
"Thank god, I'm starving."
He must've found the sandwich I got him.
I start putting stuff away in the tiny kitchen area.
"Thanks babe. Where'd you get the groceries? Emmett?"
"No. I…uh...I saw Alice."
I hate feeling like anything I say could set him off.
He puts the sandwich down. "Oh."
I go over to him and take his hand. "I'm really sorry, we needed to pay rent and I really had no other way to get the money this time."
"Fuck, it's the first already? Why didn't you wake me up?"
"You were sleeping so deeply, I just didn't want to bother you."
"I just wish you'd let me help you sometimes. Let's do something tonight. I need to get the fuck out of here."
"Okay. Let me take a shower. Finish eating." I take the phone out of my pocket. "One more thing, could you just call them?" I ask.
His brow furrows and he looks at the phone like he has no idea what it is.
"Please. Alice says they are sick with worry about you. They just want to hear your voice."
"Fine." He picks up the phone and dials the number. Someone picks up almost immediately.
He closes his eyes and I go to the bathroom to give him privacy.
A few days pass and things are looking pretty good. I think Edward is really trying for his parents. He seems a little lighter after he talked to his mother and we had a nice night, walking by the water, talking, feeling like none of this bullshit is going on in our lives.
Yesterday was good too...but today...today I can tell he was feeling it when I left.
I've been gone most of the day, actually looking into programs for us...trying to find a way that we can do this without anyone's help.
The truth of the matter is, I am starting to feel it, too. I've been nauseous and antsy all day. If I'm sick, I don't even want to know what state he is in.
I turn the knob, anxiousness falling on me.
He's on the bed, curled into a ball. I can tell he's shaking from here.
I grab the phone and go to the bathroom.
I stare at it, warring with myself over whether to do this or not.
Fuck it. I dial the number.
The phone rings.
I bite my lip.
"Umm, J...this is Bella."
"Can you bring me something? To our place?"
"Why can't you come here?"
"Spit it out, Bella. I don't have all fucking night."
"It's just that he's sick. We really don't have any money…but…"
"No money? Fuck…I don't know B."
"Please J…please. I'll pay you back within the next couple of days."
"I'll think about it."
The phone disconnects.
Fuck! Why couldn't he just say yes or no? I fuckin' hate uncertainty.
I walk back into the room and run over to the bed when I see Edward doubled over in pain.
"Baby, what can I do?"
He grabs my hand, so tight, and shakes his head. I run my fingers through his damp hair, while he gasps for breath.
Be strong, Bella.
We sit there for awhile, Edward lying on the bed, head in my lap. My fingers running through his hair, feeling his body shudder on occasion, telling him that he needs something we don't have. I close my eyes, the lump in my throat so big as I try to swallow my tears.
I drift off…
BANG BANG BANG
I jolt awake, heart racing.
"Bella, fuck! I know you're there!"
I get up and open the door, letting him in.
There are two guys with him and I can't help but to wonder why.
"Jasper, what the fuck are you doing here?"
"Hello to you too, Edward." Jasper says. "Why, I'm here because you're sweet little girl here called me. Seems she's worried about you."
Edward looks at me, confused. I go sit next to him and tell him in a low voice how Jasper is going to help us out for a few days.
His eyes snap up to Jasper, who is smirking at him.
"It's okay, Jasper. We don't need anything, thanks anyway man," Edward quickly spits out.
I look at him in disbelief. "What?"
"You honestly think I am just going to turn around and go now? After coming all the way down here?"
My body tenses, a sense of dread washes over me.
Jasper grabs my arm and yanks me off the bed.
"Get your hands off her!" Edward yells and get off the bed. One of the guys grabs Edward as he comes at Jasper. He effectively twists his arms behind his back so he can't move.
"Stop! You're hurting him," I plead and the guy looks at me with an amused expression. I see him twist him arm hard and Edward winces.
Jasper starts pulling me toward the bathroom and I struggle against him.
"Don't fucking touch her!"
"Oh that's rich coming from you Edward. You, who lets his girlfriend go out and whore herself out for your benefit."
His eyes widen, "Fuck you!"
Panic starts to settle in, as Edward tries to break free of this guys hold.
"Alec," Jasper says and nods to the other man that has been leaning against the wall with a bored look on his face.
A wicked grin flashes at me right before he lunges across the room and punches Edward in the face.
"NOOO!" Jasper puts his hand over my mouth and shoves me harder toward the bathroom door.
"Have fun boys," Jasper says.
I hear Alec tell the other guy to hold him down, and right before the door closes, I see Alec undo the button on his jeans.
I start screaming at Jasper, asking him what they're doing. Hitting him, scratching him. Begging with him to make them stop. Sobs come out of me and in between my sobs are sounds from the room that I want to block out.
Jasper grabs my wrists. "Stop it B! Fuck!"
I'm hysterical, gasping for air, wanting to go out there and kill those motherfuckers.
"I'm just letting him do the work you usually do. Aren't you happy that you don't have to suck my dick right now?" he sneers.
My breath catches in my throat. I feel like I'm going to be sick.
"He never knew," I whisper.
"What?" he asks in disbelief.
I shake my head. I can feel the rage move through my body exploding out of me as I punch Jasper in the face.
His hand touches his face where I hit him and he flinches, right before he smirks.
"You really shouldn't have done that." He grabs the back of my head and the bathtub is the last thing I see before everything is black.
Moaning, I slowly sit up against the tub.
The room is spinning.
I'm confused as to why I am sitting on the bathroom floor.
But then, it all rushes back to me, with such a force that I end up gagging and retching into the toilet.
I slowly get up, trying to steady myself by grabbing onto the sink.
I wash my mouth out and spot the bag of heroin.
An involuntary thrill shoots through my body.
Stupid, traitorous body.
Tears spill out of my eyes at the force of my self-loathing.
I walk into the room. I just can't even look at him yet. This is all my fucking fault and I know I will see hurt and hate and I don't even know what else. I just want to shut my mind off, knowing that if I think about what happened in this room tonight, I will finally lose my shit. I mean bat-shit-crazy lose my shit.
I walk to the cupboard, grabbing the spoon, the cotton, the lighter, the needle, the belt.
I sit down, start the ritual.
Something has shifted, I feel it.
I'm crying as I do this when I used to feel anticipation.
I walk over to the bed and I hesitate as soon as I see him.
Sitting on the bed, bruise on face, staring vacantly out of the window.
I touch his arm and he flinches and looks at me like he had no idea I was in the room with him.
I take his sleeve and roll it up, tying the belt around his arm.
I close my eyes as I see the marks on his wrist.
I hand him the needle.
The sun rises.
He won't look at me.
We get high.
The sun sets.
We get high.
We pass out.
In sleep, he clings to me.
The sun rises.
We wake up.
He stares out the window.
He won't look at me.
He cringes when I touch him.
We get high.
The sun sets.
I stare at the ceiling.
He sleeps next to me.
Eventually, I succumb to sleep.
The sun rises.
We wake up.
I feel empty.
He stares out the window.
I start to say something.
He closes his eyes.
We get high.
The sun sets.
Knots twist in my stomach.
I have to do something.
I can't take him not seeing me.
It comes out as a croak, my voice unused for days.
His head whips around to me.
Green eyes piercing my soul.
"What?" A tone of disbelief in his voice.
Deep breath. "I said I'm sorry."
"What the fuck do you have to be sorry for?" The hostility in his voice is unmistakable.
Oh God…he hates me.
"It's my fault."
"What?" he practically yells at me.
"If I hadn't called Jasper that night…"
"Shut up Bella! Are you seriously sitting here blaming yourself for that?"
"What do you have to blame yourself for? If I wasn't so goddamn pathetic, this wouldn't have fucking happened. I feel sick thinking about what Jasper said. I mean what the hell was I thinking, letting you go out there by yourself."
"You were sick when I went, you weren't exactly thinking clearly at that point."
He holds his hand up to stop me from going on.
"Please, please stop making excuses for me. And yeah, you're exactly right…I was sick. What kind of person allows them to get this way. When did that happen? When did it stop becoming fun? Fuck, I want to kill a motherfucker to even think what you did…for me. I wondered how you were getting all that shit for us, the thought even crossed my mind that that is what you were doing...but I'm such a fucking coward and every time I wanted to ask you, you gave me a pleading look not to go there. And I didn't. Just pushed it down like all the other fucked up shit in my life."
He's crying now. I want so badly to go and comfort him, my hands itching to run through his hair. The image of him cringing away from me flashes in my head and I stop myself. Knowing he must be disgusted with me.
"I'm sorry," I whisper again.
"You must hate me."
"No! No no never. I could never hate you. I fucking hate myself. I can't even feel sorry for myself at what went down the other night. I got what I deserved."
"Don't say that! How could you even think that? No one fucking deserves that!"
"I just can't do it anymore; I don't want to live like this. You deserve so much better than me."
I go to the bed and wrap my arms around him. He hesitates and then reciprocates, holding me so tightly it's almost painful, crying into the crook of my neck. Tears stream down my face as I listen to him muttering about how he doesn't deserve me, that he is sorry, that he wants it to end.
"Shhh, don't talk like that baby. I love you so much," I choke out.
"I love you too, Bella. Always."
One Week Later
I want to say that things are getting better but I really don't know. We seem determined to at least try and do something to get sober. I've looked into the methadone clinic but that is fifteen dollars a day, so thirty for both…and unlike getting our hands on drugs, we would need cash.
We went to social services and applied for Medicaid, thinking that we could get into a rehab program. His pride is still getting in the way of asking his parents for help. I don't blame him though, even I feel guilty about the way I've treated them and some of the things we did to them back in the day.
So now, we wait.
Emmett's been really supportive of us, he knows we're trying.
I look up at him and smile, my protector. We went shopping and he bought us some groceries and toiletries.
I'm anxious to get back to Edward.
We both walk into the apartment and it seems way too quiet. Edward isn't in his usual spot.
"Babe?" I walk closer to the bathroom.
I stop in my tracks.
Heart pounding in my ears.
I see his arm on the floor, spoon and needle nearby. Fuck. He's going to be so disappointed in himself.
I walk around the bed.
His eyes are open, blankly staring at the ceiling.
"Edward?" I slowly walk up to him. "Edward, baby...wake up."
I kneel down, touch his cheek and snatch my hand back.
"No no no no. Edward..wake the fuck up! This isn't fucking funny!"
"Bella." Emmett grabs my arm and I wrench it away.
I lay down next to him.
"Please, baby…please wake up. Everything's gonna be good…you'll see. Just wake up for me baby."
I run my fingers through his hair.
"Tomorrow…you can try again. I'm not mad, I promise. Just wake up. Please. Don't leave me."
I hear commotion in the room and someone picks me up.
"No! Let me fucking go! I need to be with him!" I'm kicking and struggling trying to get back to him. "Get your hands off me!"
I'm like a wild animal as they surround him, scratching, screaming, hitting.
"Sedate her," I hear as a pin pricks my arm and my world goes black.
One Year Later
"I'm sorry I haven't come to see you before this," I say. "Things have been…pretty rough since that day."
A warm breeze caresses my cheek. I reach up and push my hair behind my ear. I can already feel the tears forming.
I take a deep breath and continue.
"God, I tried so hard to be with you. I was a mess. I couldn't go back to our place. I wandered around, lost without you. I wished that someone would just take care of it for me, that they would end me and I could never understand why I kept living.
"I think I have some idea now though. It was you right? You were looking out for us?" I swallow past the lump in my throat.
"Alice finally found me. I think I was as close to death as I could get at that point." I clear my throat.
"Anyways, there was a point to me coming here. Meet your daughter, Hope. She's so beautiful, isn't she?" I look down at tiny baby girl in my arms. "She turned four months old yesterday. Esme says that she has your eyes and Carlisle swears she has your smile. She looks so much like you. They have been so great with her, with me. I wish, god there are so many things I wish. But what I wish for most of all, was that we knew about her. I think we would have been okay if you knew. She is definitely the reason I'm still here.
"Edward, I need to be strong for our girl now and I'm going to have to let you go for awhile." A sob escapes me. "I know you will watch over her. I'm moving out of the city with Alice. There are just too many horrible reminders, threatening to take me down again and I just can't afford to do that now. I don't when I'll come back here but just know that we'll be together again someday and that I love you."
I get up from the bench and run my hand over the cold stone that bears his name.
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