Keeping You a Secret: Five Years Later

It has been five years since Holland Jaeger (Now Holland Jaegar-Goddard) has come out as a lesbian and she has endured many changes since then but what she really wants is to be reunited with her mom and family. Will she get her wish?

It has been five years since my coming out. Five years of ups and downs; mostly ups. The hard part of it all was losing contact with my mom and baby sister, Hannah. Luckily, my stepsister Faith keeps me updated on the family. Hannah's first word was "Holland", thanks to my stepsister never letting Hannie forget about me. According to Faith, mom was both pissed and sad. Almost a two and a half years after I was kicked out (or since I walked out), mom gave birth to a boy named Harley. At first, I felt like I was being replaced until Faith showed me a picture of him and my heart melted. He looked a lot like Hannah and I when we were born. According to Faith, Hannah loves being a big sister. Now, mom was pregnant AGAIN. This made me sad. Another sibling I would never get to meet and see grow up. I missed so many of Hannie's first and I'm starting to miss Harley's. Now, I actually felt as if I were being replaced. It's a shitty feeling.

To be honest, I felt bad about walking out on her during our half-assed attempt at being reunited, but ever since I started high school and even before, my mom has tried to mold me into a version of herself and I was quite tired of it to be frank. My mom was living vicariously through me, like we were one of the families on Toddlers & Tiaras! Whatever I did just wasn't good enough for her. I know it sounds harsh, but, it's not my fault she got pregnant in high school or that her parents kicked her out. Making me live the life she never had wasn't gonna bring back her youth, that's for damn sure.

Faith and I kept in touch til she graduated high school and moved to Florida to go to Central Coast University. Mom gave Faith my scholarship money. I didn't mind; I was happy for her and she truly deserved it. I was also happy she and I finally became friends. Speaking of friends, Leah and Winslow and I kept in touch after we graduated. In fact, I started a social group with Cece (naturally), Faith, Leah and Winslow and the summer after graduation, we did things together as a group each week before Winslow left for California to go to Pacific Beach State and it felt nice that I had people to count on, despite my sexuality.

Kirsten on the other hand was a different story. Just one day before prom, she was caught defacing Brandi's locker, spray painting "die lesbo" on it. This led to an immediate expulsion which meant she would not be able to go to prom or even walk across the stage. A part of me was happy. Kirsten was always such a bitch and when she found I was a lesbian, she pretty much vowed to make the rest of high school hell. Another part of me felt sad because she obviously had some issues going on that needed to be sorted out. I haven't seen her since her expulsion, but word of mouth says her mom shipped her to her aunt's in Maine for a much needed wake up call.

Seth was still hurt about my actions for a while, but at graduation, he gave me a single yellow rose and wished me luck with my future. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Even though we don't commutate via email or Facebook, I still wonder how he's doing. If he's dating. I hope so because he deserves to have someone make happy in way I could never do in the long run.

As for Cece and I? Well, I continued working at Hott N' Tott while going to Metro Urban. I decided to major in graphic arts while trying to sell my own art so I could get out of Taggart House and into my own apartment. My first painting of a skyline went for $250 and caught the eye of the local art gallery owner. She was impressed and asked me to do a few more paintings. By December, I made enough money to put a down payment on an okay -ish apartment near Cece. She and I being together seemed to do a world of good on her. She ended up making the honor roll during her senior year. Before her graduation, her parents, Cece and I had a conference. Since we showed no signs of breaking up and Cece seemed so much happier with me in her life, that if she continued making the honor roll, she would be allowed to move into my apartment after graduation. (After all, she'd be 18, a legal adult) Well, two weeks after her high school graduation, she moved in. The apartment itself wasn't the best; it was old and worn, but the rent was reasonable and Cece made it perfect. Between our checks from Hott N'Tott and the money I made from my paintings, we got on pretty well living on our own.

Even though life was going well, I longed to be reunited with my mom. She vowed not to be like her parents, but she still tried to mold me into a mini her. Still kicked me out for being a lesbian. It hurt then and five years later, it still hurts. I miss Hannie tremendously and wanted to meet Harley and my future sibling. I miss Mom's fried chicken. I can't even get my chicken to taste nearly as good as hers. A mom is supposed to love her child, unconditionally, right? So why did my mom hate me because of my sexuality? As long as I'm happy, that's all should matter.