Disclaimer: Although I put HIMYM on my holiday wishlist, I didn't get it this year. Maybe next time… *shrugs* Oh well, at least I still have my cabin in HMS Denialand.
A/N: I did some cursory research for this chapter, but I've never been to Pamplona. Similarly, it's been several years since I've used my Spanish. It's true what they say: if you don't use it, you lose it. [Insert Barney-ish innuendo here.] Therefore, feel free to correct any mistakes that you see. I'll take it with good grace, I promise.
Many thanks to all of you who have read and reviewed! I really do appreciate each and every comment that I receive.
Finally, Happy Boxing Day and a belated Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrated it.
Chapter Three: The True Story of Robin and Barney's Awesomemoon
"I wasn't there for their honeymoon, but I assume that your Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin spent a lot of time taking in the sights of the place…"
"H-O-T, Sherbatsky," Barney muttered, eyeing Robin's new barely-there lace negligée.
"…and the sounds…"
"Yes, yes, yes!" a female voice hissed loudly.
"Oh yesssss," a male voice moaned.
The two housekeeping staff paused awkwardly outside the hotel room door.
"Ese es el Stinsons," one housekeeper explained to the other with a jerk of her head. "Han estado en él durante tres horas." [Subtitle: "That's the Stinsons. They've been at it for three hours."]
The other housekeeper raised her eyebrows, reluctantly impressed. "Dejemos y vuelva a intentarlo más tarde. Mucho más tarde," she said. [Subtitle: "Let's leave and try again later. Much later."]
They moved on to the next room.
"….and generally learning as much as they could about the city."
"Hey, Barney, did you know that Pamplona was named after the Roman general Pompey?" Robin asked, glancing up from the brochure in her hands.
"General Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus," Barney said. "A truly great man."
Robin looked at him in surprise.
"Please, Robin, I know my history," Barney said. "Among other things, Pompey was famous for being part of the First Triumvirate, winning a shitload of battles, and having an enormous penis. After his defeat at the Battle of Pharsphallus, he fled to Egypt to pursue a career as a porn star. Unfortunately, he was stabbed by a jealous rival and died before he could achieve everlasting fame in his new profession. True story."
Robin grinned. "You're an idiot, Barney," she muttered.
He beamed back at her.
"Eventually, though, the day came for Barney to fulfill his challenge."
"OK, I can do this," Barney muttered to himself. "No big deal. Never mind that the bulls are ginormous."
"That's the spirit!" Robin said comfortingly, as she walked him to his starting spot.
"Robin, that bull just gave me the evil eye!" Barney half-squealed, leaping away from the malevolent gaze of one of the beasts.
"It's a bull, Barney," Robin said patiently.
"A bull of pure evil," Barney agreed. "It has it in for me!"
"Why would it have it in for you?" Robin scoffed.
"I don't know, but it does," Barney squeaked. "I'm going to die!"
"You're not going to die," Robin informed him. "You want to know why? Because you're awesome and you can do this. Also, I'm your wife and you don't get to die until I say so and I don't say so."
She gave him a bruising kiss, then pulled back.
"Besides, you have several excellent incentives to come out of this alive. And one of those reasons? I'm. Not. Wearing. Any. Panties."
Barney's eyebrow raised as he murmured interestedly, "Really."
"Really," Robin confirmed, cheered to see the look of growing lust in her husband's eyes. "Now go get 'em."
"Oh, I will," Barney said, smirking.
"After walking Barney over to his starting place, Robin pulled out her cell phone and started recording the event for posterity."
"And they're off," Robin muttered under her breath, jogging alongside the barriers, cellphone held high.
For a time, everything went fine. Barney – easily distinguishable from the crowd due to his suit – ran quickly and surely, easily keeping ahead of the bulls.
After a while, though, he began to slow down, exhaustion clearly getting to him. And then… he tripped.
Other runners flew past the fallen Barney, heedless of his precarious position.
The bulls drew closer and closer.
A bull – the same one that had been eyeing Barney earlier – broke free from the herd, and charged towards him.
Barney, on his knees, screwed his eyes tightly and waited for the end.
"Nooooooooo!" Robin screamed, throwing the phone to the ground.
She leapt over the barricade and into the pathway of the charging bull.
Ripping off her red blouse, she waved it to and fro in an attempt to distract the bull away from Barney.
"You think you're so strong, don't you?" Robin taunted. "Huh? Huh? Don't you, you stupid bovine?"
The bull narrowed its eyes and charged at her instead.
Robin ducked out of the way, though, and forcefully brandished her shirt at the bull again.
"You think you're so special just because you're a bull at the encierro? Well, I've got news for you: your mother was just a common cow, and an easy one at that! That's right, you heard me! Your mother was a slut!"
The bull made another lunge for her, but she swerved out of the way at the last second.
"Not as easy as you thought, huh?" she sneered, ducking and dodging the bull's horns. "Well, guess what, buster? I'm Canadian!"
With these words, she threw her blouse in the direction of the rest of the stampeding herd.
Momentarily baffled, the bull turned its head towards the flying shirt.
That was all the distraction Robin needed. She sprinted over to Barney, grabbed him by the legs, and pulled him out of the pathway.
"Climb, you moron!" she shrieked at the bewildered Barney.
Shaken into action, he climbed up over the barricade alongside her.
Panting, the couple fell onto the ground on the other side of the barrier.
"Yow-eee," Barney moaned. Then, "Hey, you aren't wearing a shirt."
"No, I'm not!" Robin yelled, anger and relief vying for prominence. "You're an idiot, Barney!"
"You… you saved my life," he added shakily, the events of the past few minutes beginning to sink in. "You saved my life."
"Yeah, well," Robin panted, "I wasn't exactly going to let you get yourself killed. I didn't give you permission, remember?"
"You saved my life," he repeated wonderingly. "Robin Sherbatsky Stinson, if we weren't already married, I'd ask you to marry me right now."
"I'll settle for less jokes about Canada," Robin told him. "Seeing as it was my Canadianess that saved you and all."
"Yeah… not going to happen," Barney said, gazing into her eyes.
"Was worth a try," Robin said with a shrug.
And then she leaned in and kissed him. Or he leaned in and kissed her. Neither was very clear on who moved first, but it didn't matter, because they were kissing and his hands were in her hair and her hands were busy removing his suit jacket.
They were alive.
Meanwhile, YouTube viewers all over the world got quite a show from the live stream on Robin's cellphone.
"Kids, your Aunt Robin and your Uncle Barney got arrested for breaking the rules of the encierro and for indecent public exposure, but that's not the takeaway lesson from this. No, the message of this story is that even when you think that all hope is lost, you shouldn't give up. And if someone really loves you? They won't let you."
[The HIMYM closing theme music plays and the end credits begin to roll.]