I know ... It's been FOREVER since I was able to post an update!
I apologize for having kept you all waiting for so long!
Please check out my AN at the bottom :)
THANK YOU to DaisyCrazy & Je-Suis-b for making it all pretteh!
Without further ado...
-Last chapter was in BPOV
"I'm telling you now, Bells, the man upstairs isn't done with that boy, not by a long shot, and I can't think of anyone that I'd rather see you with."
"Really? Even with all of the shit that surrounds us right now?" I asked, tears welling up in my eyes.
"Especially right now. I know the two of you are stressed and that's the main cause for needing space at the moment, but honestly, and I swear, if you tell him this, I'll slap that damn belt on the both of you faster than you can blink; I had to separate you two because the damn googly eyes and tonsil hockey shit was about to drive me up the goddamn wall. I'm telling you, birth control is a fucking blessing because if it weren't for that, your ass would be pregnant by now. Mark my words."
Furrowing my brow and wanting to jack with him, I leaned forward, narrowing my eyes and started messing with his hair.
"Wh…what are you doing?"
"I—is that a gray hair?"
Suddenly, he was laughing and batting my hand away from his hand.
"You better knock that shit off."
Happier than I'd felt in quite some time, I grabbed the phone from my lap and started tapping.
I love you so fucking much, Edward Cullen—Doll
Not a minute passed before the screen lit back up.
Who are you? What have you done with my evil gf? And WTH are you two talking about in there? Should I be worried?—E
Fuck, I missed Bella already.
Was that bad?
We'd only been separated for a total of two hours now, but—while I'd spent much of that time thinking—I was fucking lonely as all hell.
The texting back and forth had quit right after her enthusiastic declaration of love. I'd texted her back, but after going forty-five minutes without a response, I just took it to mean that she was caught up in conversation with Charlie—conversation I was sure to be fucking hearing about later.
The time alone was meant to give me space. Problem was, I wasn't even entirely sure space was what I fucking needed, not when I felt this fucking anxious being by myself. I wanted … needed an ear, someone to bounce my thoughts off of, but given the way I'd snapped at Bella hours ago …
Yeah, I know. I needed to suck the shit up and deal with my problems before I wound up hurting either of us any more than I already had.
I wasn't dumb enough to believe she'd actually hold it against me; she'd more than proven anything I said in anger or as a result of the bullshit mulling in my head would be forgiven. But that's where my frustration laid.
There was no excuse. No reason why she should have to take the shit I was dishing out. Withdrawals, family drama, inner turmoil … I didn't want her continuing to push stuff aside just because she felt that I deserved to be cut a little slack.
I wasn't sure when, but somehow, somewhere along the way, I had begun to feel a sense of pity coming from her and Charlie. I knew it was wrong and completely off base with how they felt, but it wasn't something I could help.
I wasn't lying when I told her I wanted to be able to apologize when I needed to; to make right my wrongs. Having that stripped from me was just one more thing for me to add to the list of shit I'd had robbed from me.
And in saying that, the anger within me only intensified because my goddamned head was throwing her and Charlie into the same fucked up pile with that heap of assholes I'd once thought to be my family.
Everything was so damned screwed up, and the more I thought about shit, the more lost I became.
The talk with Emmett plagued my mind, and as pathetic as it sounds, I couldn't make heads or tails out of anything. He'd said he loved me; he'd called me his brother, his blood. Said he was sorry, and was doing everything under the sun to prove to me that he was on my fucking side, so why the motherfuck was I having so much fucking trouble believing him? Why was the only thing running through my mind the fact I wanted to hear Bella tell me it would be okay and everything would work itself out?
Shit, I knew the answer even as I asked myself the question.
I'd become dependent on her. I'd grown to need her like a fucking second skin.
Christ, I loved her.
While the words had long since been declared and spoken, and the feelings already realized, I'd never truly taken the time to sit back and analyze every damn aspect of our relationship like I was doing now.
I couldn't do any of this shit without her. So, how the fuck was I supposed to reconcile that with the other issues I was having? There was only one way; I needed to talk to her. We had to fix it, and I couldn't … no, I wouldn't do that shit over the phone. I wanted her beside me. I wasn't going another fucking minute without the comfort and peace her mere presence offered me. That and I was positive once she and I resolved the problem I was having, I'd be kissing the ever loving fuck out of her.
It was how we worked.
Reaching down to the cup holder, I pulled up Charlie's name on her phone and hit the call button.
"Hey, baby," Bella's soft voice whispered as it soothed and wrapped around me like a damned blanket.
I thought I was fucking fine. Hell no. Instead of speaking, a strangled whimper of some sort passed my lips.
"Edward?" she asked, her voice worried.
"Doll, I-I can't fucking do this. I need you, Bella."
I listened as she released a choppy breath and the faint sound of a sniffle echoed over the line. "Hold on, baby; I'll be right there. Here's Dad."
I sighed as she passed the phone off. "Edward, son, what's wrong?" Charlie's concerned voice echoed over the line.
"I need her with me, Charlie. I can't do this shit without her. I'm going fucking crazy in here by myself, and I was a damned fool for ever letting you convince me that space was a good idea. I can't be apart from her. She, Bella … she's," I started, becoming choked up as I spoke.
"Hey, hey, hey," he chanted. "It's all right. Just pull over to the shoulder up ahead, okay?"
"Yeah, okay. Thanks, Charlie," I mumbled with a staggered breath as I pulled over. I looked in my rearview mirror, watching as Charlie's cruiser came up and slowly began to pull in behind me. My hands shook violently as I tried to get myself under control. My need for Bella, to be close to her and feel her arms around me, was stronger than it had ever been.
Stronger even then when I'd been at my fucking weakest o.d'ing on the goddamned pills the night I almost kissed my life goodbye. It sounds ridiculous, even to me, as it had only been two hours. Why the hell it was so fucking intense right now confounded me but I was gonna let it go. I didn't care about the why's and how's because the truth of the matter was a shit ton of the shit between Bella and I didn't exactly make sense. Most of it made no fucking sense at all.
With a ragged breath, I stepped out of the car, slamming the door shut behind me and instantly shoved my hand into my fucking hair; it had never been this goddamn long. It's a good thing I love Bella as much as I do because otherwise I'd be looking to have the shit cut.
As soon as Charlie put the car in park, Bella was out the fucking door. She stopped short, staring at me with worry in her eyes as I pulled at the ends of my hair.
I stood still for a split second before I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms tightly around her, burying my face in the crook of her neck.
One of her hands went to the back of my neck, threading through my hair while the other moved around my back and up over my shoulder.
"Jesus, Edward … baby, you're shaking," she whispered into my ear.
"I know. I'm sorry, I just couldn't be in that fucking car without you another minute, Bella."
"Thank God for that," she laughed softly, rubbing at my back and moving to press her lips to my neck at the spot behind my ear. "I was already plotting ways to kill the old man in his sleep."
Just hearing how she'd taken my state of anxiety and come back with her usual humor brightened my shitty mood and caused me to chuckle into her shoulder before lifting my head.
Our eyes locked, and before I could lean in to kiss her or even utter a single word, Charlie made himself known.
"All right you two, listen up: I know that you probably need a minute, and given my experience with what you call a minute, I'm going to head on up the road to the hotel. It's about another hour and a half ahead. You two stay here for a minute and sort out what you need to before you hop back on the road and just … meet me at the Holiday Inn in Boise. I'll leave the key to your room at the front desk since it's obvious you ain't stayin' with me like we agreed, son."
"Charlie, I'm sorry, I thought I cou…" I began, but he held out his hand in a motion to stop me short and shook his head.
"No need, Edward. Been there, done that, and good luck with that shit. You kids be careful, and Bells, call me when y'all get back on the road so I'll have an idea of when to expect you."
Bella nodded and slung her arms around my waist, pulling me in a bit more.
"Oh wait, Doll, you need your purse. Your pills are in there," I reminded her as I noticed it wasn't slung over her shoulder.
She softly smiled and brushed her lips against mine before pulling away and jogging back to his cruiser. Charlie stopped her on her way back and I watched as she got caught up in a quiet conversation with him. Who the fuck knew what it was about; I was sure I'd hear all about it as soon as he was gone.
When Bella came back, I was leaning against the front end of the car, arms crossed, and had cut the engine, not wanting to burn gas. She set her purse inside and came around, kicking at the loose gravel on the shoulder of the road.
"Get the hell over here, woman. You're killing me," I groaned impatiently, as she was taking forever to come to me. She simply laughed and closed the distance. I rested my ass on the edge of the hood and spread my legs, pulling her between them. Almost instantly, her hands went into my hair and her head dropped down to rest against mine, our noses lightly brushing together.
"You wanna tell me what's going on inside that gorgeous head of yours?" she murmured, her fingers playing with my hair, weaving it in and out and in between.
With a slight brush of her lips to mine, I pressed further in, opening my mouth and closing around her bottom lip, savoring the sweet taste that was uniquely Bella. She pulled my face in closer, kissing me fiercely for only a brief moment and slowly pulled back.
"Mmmm," I hummed. "You mean other than the fact that the last two hours have been the longest damn hours of my fucking life?"
Her laugh against my lips brought a smile to my face. "Baby, you don't know long until you spend time locked in a car with Charlie fucking Swan."
"That bad, hmm?" I asked with a smirk, rubbing my hands up and down her sides slowly as she continued to play with my damn hair
"You tell me yours, and I'll tell you mine," she murmured, stroking a finger down my cheek and along my jaw, ending on my chin. Then suddenly the softness in her face disappeared as she frowned. "Dammit, sorry, I don't mean to push …"
Fuck, I already knew what she was about to say, and I wasn't having it. "You're not," I told her firmly, moving my hands to trap her arms at her sides. "It's fine, and we're going to talk … in a minute. I just want to sit here with you for a while longer. That okay?"
"That depends," Bella smirked.
"On what?" I asked, barking out a laugh as a car blew past us, startling her just slightly and moving her to lean into me, fisting her hands in my shirt.
"On whether you plan on telling me how this cigarette trade-off between you and Charlie came about."
Aw shit. My head dropped to her chest as my shoulders shook with laughter. I was going to kick Charlie's ass for this shit the first chance I got. I knew … I fucking knew helping his ass out and buying him a couple of packs of cigarettes was going to come back to bite me in the ass.
"Did you really think I wasn't going to notice?" she laughed, releasing my shirt and moving her hands to play with my hair.
"I can't believe he fucking told you!"
"Eddie, he didn't tell me shit. I saw the hand off," she dead panned, looking me in the eye. Her lips quirked upward in the corner as she tried not to smile.
"You're amazing, you know that?" I mused, in awe of her logic. "You give him all this shit over his smoking—which I think is hilarious, by the way—and yet, you smoke like a goddamned freight train with me. Where do you two differ? What makes it okay for you and not for him?"
Oh, damn. Bella's eyes narrowed, fixating on me as her hands fisted my hair almost to the point of pain. "You conniving, two-faced little shit," she laughed, shoving my head away from her.
She wasn't yelling; instead, she was laughing. Thank God for that. "Hey, that's not fair!" I defended, pulling her closer to me by her hips. "I was just…"
I never got to finish my sentence. Bella's lips were locked back on mine as she kissed me. With her hands at either side of my neck, she held my mouth to hers.
"Mmmm," she hummed. "I love you; I wanna beat you, but I love you. You're right. I just give him shit because his health is bad enough."
"Babe," I rasped, sliding my mouth slowly up her neck, "he's not getting any fucking younger. Let him live his life."
"Fuck, keep doing that and I'll think about it," Bella groaned. I pressed a gentle kiss to the soft skin before pulling away and looking up at her with a smile. "Why'd you move?" she whined.
"You know what you could do to make him quit, right?" I asked her, arching a brow.
"Edward, I'm not fucking quitting. I can't. Especially not right now," she answered, looking down.
Fucking dammit, I knew everything she wasn't saying, but I wouldn't apologize for it; I'd done more than enough of that already and I knew if I tried apologizing for that shit again, Bella would stop me short. And I'd actually let her on that issue, too.
"Besides, I'm not quitting unless you do, and we both know there isn't a chance in hell of that happening any time soon," she laughed when I shook my head.
"So, he … Charlie's really okay with all of this?" I asked her as another car blew past.
"What do you mean?"
"The moving us down there after everything you did to get yourself settled; the shit going on now…"
"Ah, baby, listen to me," she whispered, sliding down just a bit until our eyes were level, "Charlie loves you, just as I do. He doesn't care what's happened and it doesn't matter which mountains he's got to move, whatever it takes to keep you and I safe, you can bet he's going to do it. He's not blaming you or holding any grudges for anything, if that's what you're really asking me."
I searched her eyes, looking desperately for any sign of dishonesty but I couldn't see any. I don't know why the fuck I was all of the sudden so damn worried about Charlie's approval. Or hell, maybe it wasn't really all that fast; maybe I'd actually been fearful and worried about it for a while and was just now putting true voice to it.
"Tell me what's going on, Edward," she pleaded, rubbing her hand across my cheek, her thumb brushing over my scruff. "You almost looked like you were having a damned panic attack when we got here."
"Panic, anxiety, call it what you want. I probably was, Doll. I just … I needed you. I wanted you. I told you over the phone, but I guess you didn't believe me," I mumbled, cutting my eyes to the side.
"No, I believed you; I'll always believe you. I just thought what you were feeling or saying was a reaction to something else. I didn't think it was the actual reason."
"You're fucking beautiful and sexy as hell, Doll, but you really are clueless, aren't you?" I asked in wonderment.
"Baby, I …"
"Bella, I can't breathe without you. I thought I could drive by myself, thought the space was a good idea, and something you and I both needed. I was wrong; so fucking wrong. The more I tried to think through stuff and get my mind sorted out, the more confused, and frustrated I became, and the more I wanted you with me. I'm so used to having you by my side now, and I can't imagine it any other way. I wanted to tell you everything going through my head. I needed you to help me sort through my shit surrounding the situation with Em, and I missed just fucking having you in the car beside me; being able to reach over and just hold your hand when I wanted, or leaning over to kiss you when I needed it. Or hell, simply hearing you tell me how much of an asshole I am because I won't let you suck me off in the car." That statement alone earned me a smile and a slap to the arm. "I'm sure it all sounds ridiculous and petty, probably downright pathetic to you, but Doll, I…"
Suddenly, I was knocked backward and Bella was on top of me on the hood of the fucking car, her hands buried in my hair and her mouth fused with mine. I brought my hand to the back of her neck, tangling in her hair to gain control as I kissed her back, passionately wrapping my tongue with hers at first and then gently slowing it down.
"God, you're frustrating the hell out of me," she hoarsely laughed into my mouth as I pressed a tender kiss to her lips and sat up, taking her with me.
"Sorry, Doll, but you and I both know that it was better to stop before we got too far. One, we're on the fucking interstate, and two, you aren't in any position for that right now; stop pushing it," I chastised her, arching my brow at her as I pulled her bottom lip from her teeth with my thumb.
"Well, I'm sorry! I can't help that I fucking want you; you're … you're fucking … AHHH!" Bella half-shouted out in irritation as she pulled away and started to pace in front of me a bit. "One minute, you're shaking and telling me you need me, the next you-you're kissing and rubbing all over me a-and then … then you bust out with that sweet and wonderful fucking speech a-and… Jesus, Edward! How the fuck am I supposed to react?!
She was turned on, sexually frustrated, and there wasn't shit we could do about it. Well there was, but we'd pretty much already fucking exhausted the other options, and right now, looking at Bella, I knew what she wanted and she wouldn't be willing to take anything short of my cock buried inside her, which wasn't possible for another six fucking weeks.
"Babe, come here," I called out to her, offering an outstretched hand.
"Screw you," she barked out, still pacing as she shot a look at me over her shoulder. Her hands were braced right along the curve of her ass, and I could tell from the slight smirk on her lips that she wasn't really pissed at me; she was just on edge.
"Please," I asked her softly, giving her my signature grin and wink when she looked over in my direction.
"You're not fighting fair," she pouted, her shoulders slumping in defeat as she walked toward me.
"I'm not trying to fucking fight, Doll; I just want you to come lay with me in the back of the car so we can talk."
"Right." Bella's eyes glared at me, her brows raised to her hairline. "You know, 'cause we always talk when we lay together."
"Shit," I barked out a laugh, wrapping my arm tight around her shoulders, pulling her against me and kissing her temple. "Bella, I'm really not trying to tease you, babe—I do want to talk. I just want to do it while being close to you, okay?"
"Shut up," she laughed, pressing her fingers to my lips and looping her arms around my neck in a warm hug. Her face buried in my neck, kissing the skin there. "I love you."
I hugged her tighter and breathed in the wonderful scent at the back of her neck, whispering my love for her into her ear.
After another minute—because I couldn't fucking wait any longer—I took her hand and pulled her with me into the backseat of the car, letting her get comfortable and nestle into my outstretched body; the narrow seat didn't allow for much room but with her on top of me, we didn't need much.
"Before you start, I'm making it known; you're going to have a hell of a time getting me off of you," Bella moaned. "I could so go to sleep right now … just like this, baby."
"If I knew Charlie wouldn't have my balls for it, and there was no chance of highway patrol stopping and giving us a ticket, I'd fucking go for it, Doll, believe me. You feeling okay?"
"I'm in heaven at the moment, so I'm good. Now … talk," she commanded, looking up at me, her hand scratching at my chest.
"First, I know I've already apologized, but I'm doing it again. I'm sorry for the way I snapped at you after I got off the phone with Emmett. You didn't deserve my anger; I didn't have anything else to bounce it off of and you just happened to be there."
"Apology accepted, and I know," she whispered, offering me a small smile. "I know I kind of pushed you…"
"That was just it, Doll. You didn't. Not that time; not at all. You were giving me exactly what I needed—or what we thought I needed at the time—which was space; I lashed out. There wasn't anything you could do to stop it from happening, Bella."
"Do you know why you did?"
Her voice was nearly inaudible as she played with the fingers of my hand which rested just under her breast. I took in a deep breath, brushing my lips against the side of her head. This was so fucking complicated. How the hell I was going to explain this all to her and have it make sense, I had no damn clue.
"Yeah, I think so. I mean, I fucking hate the reasons, Bella. What the hell am I saying? There is no reason for it, but I have an idea of what caused it. I know part of it stemmed from my withdrawals and my fucking need for the damn pills; I'm not blind to the fact that I still crave the shit. My body won't let me forget, no matter how badly my heart and mind push it away. The other… Bella, all of this shit with Emmett … babe, I'm lost. I'm so," I began, my voice starting to break as I let my head fall away from hers to lean back against the far side of the seat, "so fucking confused. I don't know which way is up or down. What's true and what's not … Doll, I couldn't—and still can't—make sense of anything. I snapped under all the pressure. It became too goddamn much, but I can tell you one thing: I'll never separate from you like that again. Within an hour I was loathing myself. I needed you. I started thinking about shit, and you know me; I can't work through stuff in my head on my own."
"You don't think Em's being truthful?" Bella questioned, looking up at me with a little dip in her brow.
"I'm not sure, Doll. I don't know what to make of fucking anything anymore. They've fucked me over so much that I just… Bella, I don't know," I cracked, a traitorous tear sliding down my cheek.
"Baby, listen, I know this is hard as hell—and I never thought I'd say this either—but Em really is proving himself to be on your side. He's cooperating with the authorities, baby. He's doing what he can to make things right for you again, as right as he can make them on his part. No one's saying you have to forgive and forget, Edward; that's not what this is about, at all. But I think just the knowledge Em is trying should count for something, don't you?"
"He's hurt me so goddamn much already … I-I don't k-know if I c-can," I cried, pleading as I searched her eyes, for what I didn't know.
Bella slightly shifted and softly placed her hands against my cheeks. "And that's okay. No one is saying you have to forgive him right away; for Christ's sake, baby, pain such as you've endured doesn't just go away. It's going to take some time for you to work through it all, but only you can make the decision. There's no time limit on this. I'm more worried about you and how you're feeling inside regarding things he said."
"Doll, I've spent so long with the belief I had no one. Hell, I fucking lived it! Until you. Em was no exception to the hate and judgmental bullshit that was thrown my way. He says he loves me, calls me his blood and I know he's doing all this shit to prove himself, Bella, but … I'm still angry. I'm want to punch and kick, throw shit, yell at him ... hug him. I'm so fucking confused about what to feel. And my nephews. Jesus, knowing I'm free to call them, free to see them … it's a feeling I can't even put into words. Fuck, just him asking me to call them confounds me."
Her eyes widened as she sat up a little straighter. "Have you called them?"
"No," I murmured, narrowing my eyes at her in confusion.
"Well, I think you need a bit of a pick-me-up, and it could be really good for you," she whispered, brushing her lips against mine.
"There's no telling what they've told the boys about me, Bella. What if they completely hate me?"
"Edward, as much as you love those boys, I don't think they could ever hate you. They're just children, and despite what Rose and Em have said about you in the past, I doubt they'd pass all of that on to their children," she answered, pushing her hand through my hair soothingly. "You'll never know until you try, baby, and I'm right here with you."
"You really think they'll talk to me?" I asked, completely unsure. Talking to my nephews was something I had come to accept would never happen again. I'd written it off as Emmett and Rose has at one time made it clear I was to have no part of their life.
Her forehead fell against mine as her nose lightly bumped mine. "I know they will," she breathed, placing her phone in my hand as I held it between us.
A/N: I'm going to try and keep this short, but you ladies all know how wordy my ass tends to get-sorry.
I've received several emails and PMs, even some reviews questioning the time that passes between my updates.
Unfortunately, I'm not as blessed as some when it comes to free time, and I don't mean to come off bitchy for that either, it's just the way it is.
I've been insanely busy working on various things in the fandom. I organized the Fandom4OK fundraiser with four other wonderful ladies; I've contributed to several others, which that in itself is time consuming because even though I'm not updating, I AM still writing full chapters. I'm now organizing and working the Fandom 4 Friends fundraiser/compilation. Yes, I WILL be submitting a piece to that as well. when You get a chance, please visit the site at:
www dot friends dot fandomcause dot info
I'll also be sure to post the information on my bio soon.
On top of this, I'm also participating in FAGE. Some of you know what that is, some don't LOL! I'm trying to be quick so I'll leave it at that.
With Tutus having finished up, I AM getting ready for a new fic to start posting, but I want to try and get some of my extra stuff out of the way first.
THAT'S JUST THE FIC STUFF, NOW FOR RL!
On the first of this month, I underwent surgery that knocked me off my feet for about a week. I'm a mother to a 4 year old son who just started Pre-k and a daughter who just began 4th grade. So, I don't have an unlimited amount of time on my hands to get these chapters out, no matter how much I wish I did.
Please don't misunderstand the intent behind my A/N or my explanation, but the question needed to be answered. I appreciate each and every one of my readers, and I don't like having to make you wait for updates any more than you do, but sometimes it cannot be helped. I can only hope you'll stick with me. With a bit of time freed up having finished Tutus, I plan to try and get the chapters out for this sooner, but please don't hold it against me if I fall a bit behind sometimes.
I might get busy but I won't abandon my fics. These WILL be finished!