I'm not really sure how I should describe this one. I got the idea for it after seeing Kim Samsons (aka Maqqy96) picture Drunken Sailor Moon, and getting a flashback to one rather memorable Power Rangers episode. And as I am in the mood for some fun, I hereby present the crack-fic Drunken Sailor Moon.
Oh, and as it is a crack-fic I have suspended continuity, 'kay? ^_^
Four fifths of the Inner Senshi were currently battling a contingent of youma in a park near the center of the Juuban district. As they were outnumbered and too crowded to unleash their strongest attacks, they were barely holding their own.
"Where is Moon," Sailor Mars shouted while dodging under a swipe from the youma behind her, narrowly escaping its claws.
"She should be here any minute now," Mercury answered. "She sounded as if I woke her up with my call."
Suddenly the ground underneath them exploded, sending them and their enemies sprawling. A shout of "Take that!" drew their attention to a nearby rooftop. What they saw made them rub their eyes to make sure they weren't seeing things. Sailor Moon had finally joined them, but their friend was looking rather dishelved. The rosette on her chest was uneven, her left boot not buckled properly, and one of her braids was nearly undone, strands flying every which way. In her left hand was a bottle that she just finished taking a celebratory swig out of. Wiping her mouth with a rather stained glove, she turned her attention back to the scene below her.
"You bastardsh should pay attention to my entrancesh! Do you have any ideash how hard I *hic* have to train to make them look good?" She took another swig out of her bottle before peering intently at it. "And now I'm out of sake too." She tossed the empty bottle behind her, its crash sounding unnaturally loud in the silence after her declaration.
"Now where wash I? Oh yesh. Ahem. Saturday nightsh are for having fun, not for fightingsh. In the name of the MOON!" Here she stumblingly took a pose. "I shall KICK ASSH!"
After finishing her speech she jumped off the building. Halfway through the speech the youmas limited intelligence had enough and their fighting instincts had set them on a charge against their new foe. Just as Sailor Moon landed, the first youma's fist closed in on her. It would have been a hit if not for the inebriated blond's legs buckling under her. As it was, the claws passed right over her head.
To catch her balance, she flailed out with her right hand, connecting solidly with the youmas groin. The monstrosity went down with a howl, curling up in a ball. The force of the punch sent Moon tilting backwards, making her plant her hands on the ground in a rather gymnastic move. This had the benefit of making a small youma that had decided to jump her sail right over her and plant its head into a metal fencepost with a clang.
While the blond was flexible, her new position strained her back into pain. Instinctively she kicked out with her legs to relieve it and managed to plant them right in the stomach of another youma. This youma went down puking, and Moon was sent into a tumble. To get out of it she spread her legs wide and spun to get rid of the momentum. Her boots crashed into the heads of two youma that had flanked her and knocked their lights out.
The sudden stop robbed the last of her balance and she threw her legs back, pushing off from the ground with her hands. With a graceful half-vault, she ended standing up, only to crush the nose of another youma with the jewel on her forehead. The youma's roar of pain ended when the annoyed blond's fist finished the nose-job.
Again her impaired balance couldn't handle the force of the blow, and she had to take a step back. She had also been cocking her arm back for another blow and the whole movement sent her elbow crashing into the jaw of a youma that had circled to attack her from behind. A spray of teeth followed the monster down to the ground.
As she whirled around to see what she hit, she whipped out her scepter with a bit more flourish than usual. Its arc ended abruptly in the throat of another youma, sending it to the ground gagging and coughing.
In the distance, shouts of Shabon Spray and other attacks signified that the other Inners had shaken off their surprise and rejoined the fight. A sudden roar drew Moon's attention to the biggest of the youma that was now barreling towards her. Poking her tongue out of the corner of her mouth she took careful, if swaying, aim and let loose with her second magical attack of the fight.
"Moon Healing Escalation!"
The youma disintegrated with a rather undignified girlish scream, accentuated by the sudden silence. Moon looked around for more enemies, but the only movement to be seen was the inner senshi running towards her. Relaxing, which meant that her swaying increased, she hauled out a hip flask and took a swig.
"You're DRUNK!" Mars, not a calm person at the best of times, ended her statement in a screech.
"Yeah! *hic* It's aweshome."
From the back Venus piped up. "She's as drunk as a General!"
"How'sh did you know I wash drinking with the Generalsh?"
The others had been turning to correct Venus when Moon's exclamation brought them up short.
"You were drinking with the GENERALS?" Again it was Mars who found her voice first, and she reached new heights with her screech. Moon winced slightly and stumbled over to the irate girl.
"Shhhure!" Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, Moon almost toppled her with another unbalanced step. "I shtumbled into them on a rooftop, and they invited'sh me for a drink. *Hic* They're really nicshe when they aren't trying to kill you."
Mars recoiled from the strong smell of alcohol that clung to the blond. "God, how long have you been drinking Moon?"
Moon squinted her eyes in thought. "Sinche lasht night!" she finally said, nodding decisively.
"Last..?" Mars couldn't even finish her question, instead just staring at the girl incredulously.
"Yep! *Hic* They had a really big stash of liko..liqou, of booze."
"Guys," Mercury chimed in, "she is on the verge of alcohol poisoning."
"*Hic!* Wash that what put the Generalsh to sleep? Kunzite fell ashleep at noon already, but Jadeite hung on the longest. He went down jusht three hoursh ago. I'sh been drinking alone shinshe then. I'llsh take a nap now though. Nighzzzz."
Mars barely reacted in time to catch the blond before she crumpled to the ground, ending up with pressing the blond against her to keep her up.
"Mercury, you mentioned alcohol poisoning. Do we need to take her to the hospital?" Venus stepped up to her place as the second in command. Mars shifted her grip on Moon and bent down to pick her up, ending up with her bridal style.
"No, that wouldn't be a good idea. Her transformation is keeping her out of danger, and we would need to take her out of it while the doctors watched to get help fast enough. Not to mention that it would raise a LOT of questions."
Everyone studiously ignored how Moon snuggled closer to Mars and buried her face in the crook of her neck.
"Okay. Mars, you better take her to the jinja. She can sleep undisturbed there. Jupiter, you go there too and make sure that she gets everything she needs to get through the hangover tomorrow. On second thought, we all go there. That way we can say we had a sleepover, and Mercury can keep an eye on Moon's vitals."
"Hai!" the other girls chorused before they left the battle scene. And if Mars wasn't keeping the pace quite as fast as you would expect her to, well, nobody paid any attention to that either.
GAH! Get off, get off, getoff! *Shakes leg franticly* Damn plotbunny is a clingy bastard. I didn't mean for it to be a Moon/Mars ship, but the dang thing sneaked up on me. I won't promise anything, but I have the feeling there will be a sequel to this fic. Also, big thanks to Purrpickle for her invaluable help.