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I Hate That You Smile

A D. Gray Man Fanfic

Lenalee hated it.

And that was surprising in itself. Lenalee Lee, an Exorcist who cared about her friends more than the world and with a heart big enough to hold her love, never disliked anything, much less hated.

Hate wasn't in her vocabulary. She didn't think it and she most certainly wouldn't voice it if she did. Yet, this time she was freely doing both.

Another mission, another exhausting trip back to Headquarters and another welcome home greeted with smiles and laughter. That was something the members of the Black Order never shirked. Not even the science department that mourned their fate as they drowned amidst endless paperwork, and not even Komui, the one who had heaped it on them in the first place.

Especially, not when his darling Lenalee had returned safe and sound.

"Lenalee~! You're hommmeeee!" he cried as she and her fellow Exorcists wearily walked down the corridor. Joyful tears streamed down his cheeks and his arms were wide open for a suffocating embrace.

She dodged just in time and the Chief Supervisor crashed into Reever instead.

"Lenalee~! Why?" Komui's tears flowed in a torrent as the disgruntled scientist picked himself and the distraught man off the floor.

The girl giggled and smiled, just as happy to see him, but not as painfully obvious. "I didn't want anyone did get hurt, Nii-san. You really have to be more careful!"

Reever nodded sagely by Komui's side. "Honestly, Chief Supervisor, you could be a little more discreet."

Komui whimpered like a beaten puppy as he stared at his sister.

"But, you can still hug me, Nii-san!"

"Lenalee~!" he complied with only a tad less exuberance.

During this rambunctious greeting courtesy of Komui, Lenalee's companions, Allen Walker and Alastair Krory III had stood by patiently. They knew the brother-with-a-sister-complex routine by heart and Reever rolled his eyes.

Yet, when Komui finally freed Lenalee he shot the two other Exorcists a pointed look.

"It really is fortunate that my Lenalee came back unharmed, or…" his gaze lingered on Allen a little longer and the boy shrank back. "…I might've been forced to repairyouranti-Akumaweapons as a result."

Both Allen and Krory winced, images of unbearable torture flashing before their eyes. They had all been witness and victim to Komui's 'doctoring' and his not too subtle inflections were quickly filed away.

Then the tapping of a shoe on stone could be heard over the Exorcist's panic and Komui's death glare. "Nii-san…" a warning if they had over heard one. Lenalee looked down at the ground. "Why do you always have to be like this? They're our friends!" With that, she sent Komui's protests flying with a carefully aimed kick so he wouldn't break anything else.

Reever, Allen and Krory followed the supervisor's flight with awe, until he finally crash landed somewhere far enough away to be considered safe.

In Komui's absence, Reever turned to the weary Exorcists with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry about that. You know how the Chief Supervisor is-"

"Yes we know," they all agreed.

"Right," the scientist grinned. "Anyways, welcome home. I'm sure you're tired and hungry."

At the mention of food, Allen tuned out. " I'm starving! Come on Krory let's go get some food!"

"H-hai!" The older man ran after the excited boy leaving Lenalee and Reever alone.

The girl sighed. "Nii-san is so…"

"Completely out of his mind?" Reever suggested.

"I guess so," she smiled, amused as always by the reactions Komui provoked in even his allies. "But I don't get…" Lenalee frowned. "Is why he looked at Allen-kun while he was talking…"

There was a pause of a contemplative silence before Reever put forth an idea.

"Maybe he finds him more suspicious?"

"Of Allen-kun? Why?"

Becauseheobviouslylikesyouandyouhim.Reever didn't voice his thoughts however and shrugged instead. "I dunno. Chief Supervisor is suspicious of everyone."

She laughed at that. It described her paranoid brother well.

Inside, though, Lenalee continued to consider what had been said and observed and concluded that for once her brother was right.

Allen Walker had done it again.

Eaten more than double his body weight, that is. But, that was nothing unusual. Everyone is headquarters had grown numb to the sight of white-haired exorcist devouring a towering stack of food, although the pleasure never decreased for Jerry or his biggest fan.

But that wasn't all Allen had done.

Lenalee frowned as she sat across from her friend, brows furrowed and deep in thought. She didn't speak during their lunch and had no need to.

Lavi, the Bookman-in-training, prankster extraordinaire had joined her, Allen and Krory at their table and was chatting up a storm.

Primarily along the lines of, "Panda gave me so much boring stuff to do and it was even worse because you guys were all gone!"

The conversation went stale after that and Lenalee's frown only deepened.

Allen responded to Lavi's tale of woe with his customary polite cheer… and his serene smile.

It was a smile that the woman Exorcist had seen countless times.

It was there when Allen was half-dead and bleeding from multiple wounds. It was present when numerous emotions of fear, rage and sorrow had passed over his face a moment before. It was starkly visible even when it seemed as though all hope was lost and the world had reached its end.

No matter how many times Lenalee saw Allen smile, however, she could never know why.

She had asked him questions whenever he was hurt or when they were stretched thin in a battle. And each time, unchangingly, he would turn and smile and say, "I'm fine, Lenalee," or, "Everything's okay, Lenalee."

And each time, Lenalee wanted to grab him by the shoulders and cry back that he wasn't fine- he was to the point of collapsing- that everything wasn't okay-the world was in shambles and there was nothing they could do about it.

For some reason, she couldn't do what she wanted.

How could she? Would she stalk up to Allen and demand he no longer smile when there is nothing left to smile about? Or even order that he not smile at all?

Because, even as she watched him surrounded by friends, laughing and smiling in his home, she rejected his smile- it may have been serene, but it wasn't sincere.

Allen's smile wasn't real. Allen's smile wasn't happy. That was where it pained Lenalee the most, striking her right where she was most vulnerable; her friends. Her happiness was more often than not her happiness. She could not bear to have any one of them suffering, and that was what she truly believed Allen Walker was hiding behind his charming, innocent smile.

She hated it.

Late at night, walking down the hallways of the Black Order on his way to his room, Allen caught the sound of someone crying.

He stopped in his tracks and looked over his shoulder in the direction it had come from, all previous intentions forgotten. He recognized the quiet sobbing and he wished he would never have to hear it again.

His feet carried him to a familiar door and he raised a gloved hand to knock, gentlemanly as always. There was no answer and Allen was also concerned so he threw away his doubt and cracked open the door.

Darkness only broken by a beam of moonlight sifting through a break in the drawn curtains greeted his eyes.


Allen stood in the open doorway, staring with his mouth slightly agape at the silouhette sitting on the bed.

She made no move to acknowledge his presence.

Almost on their own accord, Allen's legs brought him to the side of the bed and he called again, a little louder, "Lenalee?"

She shifted and slowly brought her head up to look at him with green eyes wet with tears. His heart panged in sympathy and he longed to comfort her. The exorcist couldn't help noticing that her long, green hair was untied and disheveled and that she was in a tank top and shorts. Her arms were around her knees that she brought close to her body. But, now her almost painful look lessened.

Allen felt his mouth pull down in a small frown and he leaned forward slightly. "Lenalee? Are you okay-?"

The question died on his lips as he suddenly found himself on the bed with Lenalee, her arms around him and her head resting on his chest. He could already feel her tears making his shirt damp.

Allen could only stare, wide-eyed with shock as the petite girl clung to him, her hands grabbing bunches of cloth and snuggling deeper as if to hide away in his open jacket.

Finally, blushing and confused, he found the courage to speak.

"L- Lenalee, what…?"


Abruptly, he found himself gazing into a pair of emerald green eyes, pools of sadness and a silent plea- silent plea for him to listen.

Unable to reply faced with such a different Lenalee than the strong, stubborn girl he was used to, Allen just smiled.

Which created a reaction he hadn't anticipated.

"Why, Allen? Why do you always do that?" her voice was a poignant mixture of hopelessness, grief and anger. "Why do you always smile like you're okay when you're not?"

He didn't know what to say and was keenly aware that he probably looked like a fool with his jaw hanging wide open. But, Lenalee wasn't waiting for a reply anymore.

"Do you think it'll make us stop worrying? Make me stop worrying? Because it won't!" the white-haired exorcist was sure her tears were one of fury now. "You're always hiding behind that smile of yours! You won't tell us what's bothering you so we can help. Why, Allen? Aren't we your friends?"

Lenalee ducked her head again, burying into his chest. He could feel the sobs racking her small body and he hesitantly wrapped an arm around her.

She didn't shrug it off. It seemed as though her energy was spent.

"You can tell us, Allen," Lenalee whispered. "We can share your burden."

His burden? Though he was hearing and feeling the impact of everything Lenalee was saying, Allen didn't know how to react. Tell her everything right now? Or promise to change…?

But, just then, Lenalee's mood switched again and apparently her fire remained.

"I hate that you smile like that!" she cried, balling her fists on her bare legs.

"Lenalee, I'm sorry-"

She opened her eyes then and seemed to realize something, but it wasn't his words and he stopped once again. "No," she whispered. "I hate that you smile that way."


The expression of understanding and tender caring on Lenalee's beautiful face caused his breath to catch in his throat.

"Lenalee?" he asked weakly.

"Allen, I…" a single tear rolled down her cheek. "I want to see your real smile."

He swallowed, struggling for words and settled for pulling her in closer instead. She clutched him as though he was her life and she depended on his warmth to survive.



"Stay this way with me for a while." Her tears had finally dried.

The white-haired exorcist smiled, "Of course.

And as they were reassured by each other's embrace, Allen breathed, "When I smile that way, I smile for you Lenalee."

Author'sNote:Ahh! T-the angst, the fluff, the stuff! I can't believe I wrote this! O.o It's so… serious that I'm convinced my angsty doppelganger wrote it… But, in all seriously, everyone… I'm pretty I don't have a doppelganger anyway.

About this story, this is my very first D. Gray Man fanfiction. Yippee! Almost every time I take a break, no matter how long, and come back on this site I'm addicted to a new fandom. I'm sorry readers of my other work TT TT But tis my muse that commands me! Anyways, I wrote this somewhat inspired by the events in the Ark (I dunno what chapters) but it is volume 13 of the manga. I have this odd fascination with reading into people's smiles. It's a perfect excuse to write something shorter. I did this with One Piece too… One thing though, I was intending this to happen not long after that arc- though the mission wasn't Japan obviously- but Lenalee's hair is somehow longer, so just pretend that this is in a general time in the series. I hope you enjoyed reading and please review! Oh, and don't forget to tell me if you'd like to hear more D. Gray Man fanfiction from me!