The Enchanted Pen

Disclaimer: I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

AN: This one-shot is written as a Christmas present for Lila (Lion in the Land). I hope she likes it. And to anyone else who may be reading, I hope you enjoy as well.


Puffy hands tightly gripped their prize as stubby feet attempted to outrun the two pursuers who sought it, a futile effort since the latter were in far better shape than the former. It was high-school all over again, being chased down by those larger and more powerful, yet lacking the intellect to understand him and his glorious obsessions. No, they couldn't understand. They'd never be satisfied until they'd ruined them all. And he couldn't out run them and had no prayer of taking them in fight. Fortunately there was one alternative to flight or flee, and the man's flashback to his high-school-days had rekindled that third instinct, honed across four years of living hell.

The stubby legs turned a corner. And as the calm melody of I Heard the Bells filled the air with the promise of peace of Earth and good will to men, sunken-in eyes franticly searched through glass lenses for a sanctuary. Puffy fingers pulled at the door of a gift shop; and, within, a short, middle-aged, nearly bald man found shelter behind a rack of pirate coats.

Then, the door of the shop was quickly jerked open once more and a tall, broad man stepped inside. He looked to the right, and then the left, scanning the small shop for any sign of his quarry. Then, finding none he stopped a young woman in mouse ears and a pink bow and asked, "Excuse me, but did you see a man come in here a moment ago? Short, bald, and wearing glasses?"

Nervousness getting the better of him, the man described slowly inched his way forward, crawling low on the ground until his nose was just barely out from between the feet of a wax mannequin that was dressed in pirate garb and brandishing a saber.

The woman turned her head to look around, and the short man promptly retreated fully into his hiding place, the pen in his hand dashing an inadvertent scuff on the back of the pirate mannequin's boots. The man was too otherwise occupied to notice of course, nor did he see that the surface scuff suddenly began to soak in further and vanish.

"No," the woman replied in a French accent. "No one like that, not today."

And the large man seemed satisfied. He thanked the woman and then ducked out of the shop. The short man breathed a sigh of relief as he realized that his pursuer had, for the moment at least, lost his trail. He peaked his head out between the pair of pirate boots once more and waited until he was sure no one was staring in his direction, then crawled out, stood up and took a moment to brush himself off before making his way out of the shop, completely oblivious to pirate's suddenly darkened skin and the very human like eyes that were flicking rapidly back and forth, simultaneously cautious and schemey.

The short man ran, realizing that he only had so much time before those who were after him realized where he'd given them the slip and doubled back to pick up the trail once more. He had to put as much distance as humanly possible between him and that shop before that happened. And so the man, who was no longer being chased, continued to run as fast and franticly as ever.

He rounded another corner at top speed and there collided with a tall, platinum-blonde, the impact knocking both to the ground. The unexpected fall had jarred the prized pen from the man's hands; and, behind his back, they desperately groped for it now, even as a tall, thin, red-eyed, pale man strode purposely towards the little man. The latter, for some unknown reason, began to see his life flash before his eyes.

"You dare assault my master, you worm?" the man with the crazy eyes, wild, unkempt hair and long, red coat roared as he bent down and wrapped a powerful hand around the short man's throat. The latter's stubby fingers managed to just curl around a pen as he was roughly pulled from the ground. "For that I shall tear out your liver and serve it to her on a platter, you insignificant speck of dog shit!"

"Master, please, everyone's looking and... and you're scaring the children," a shorter, strawberry-blonde pleaded as she tugged at the red-cloaked bringer of death's outstretched arm.

Said bringer of death seemed to pay the buxom, strawberry blonde no mind however, as his flaming eyes borrowed into the very soul of the pitiful creature before him.

"Alucard," a second feminine, yet somehow commanding voice called, "put the man down."

And the blood thirsty monster in the form of a man headed this second voice almost instantly. He released his grip on the short one, and let the latter drop back to the ground.

"I swear, I can't take you anywhere," the platinum-blonde continued with a sigh, then looked over at the cowering shell of a man. "You, get out of here," she ordered and the short man, realizing that he'd just been pardoned for... well, accidently bumping into someone in Disneyland he supposed. Well, whatever his offense, he'd been pardoned for it, and he certainly wasn't going to give the platinum-blonde with the homicidal companion the chance to change her mind. Once again, the man ran, somehow even managing to increase his previous speed.

Integra Hellsing just sighed again and shook her head. "Fool." Then she turned to the rest of her group. "Now do you see the kind of insane panic attending a park this size can cause if one doesn't process the foresight to plan out a schedule in advance?"

Seras and Pip nodded their heads. Alucard instead crossed his arms and let out a little huff. "You should've let me eat him."

"Oh phish-posh," the English aristocrat admonished. "And what would that have accomplished? We would've just ended up spending the rest of our Christmas Holiday sequestered in the consulate, dealing with diplomats and bureaucratic red tape. Besides, it's not like he was trying to harm me." The lady then removed a park map from her inner breast pocket and unfolded it. "Now, let's see. We just finished Indiana Jones and the Temple of Peril..."

Integra's hand drifted down to her pants' pocket. "Oh, drat, where's my pen? It must've fallen out when that guy bumped into me."

The sharp eyes of the group's junior vamp zeroed in on a silver-colored pen resting lightly on the concrete pavement, and Seras Victoria was only too happy to helpfully fetch it for her master's master. "Here you go," she chirped a she handed the glistening object over.

"Ah, yes, thank you," Integra responded as she took the pen and used it to cross off the last attraction from her list. "Now, as I was saying, off to Pirates of the Caribbean!"


Crap! The man couldn't believe his luck. First that crazed man in the long coat nearly killed him for accidently bumping into someone on the street, and now his previous pursuers had found him again! Well, the girl had anyway. Her partner, for the moment at least, was nowhere in sight. And as the man ran, he absently wondered if he should stop and face the girl chasing him. She wasn't that big, and without her partner, perhaps he could take her in a fight. He was then quickly dissuaded from this consideration as a streak of lighting arched beside him and turning back he saw the woman holding something that looked like an old-timey ray-gun prop as she ran after him. "Since when do cops have ray-guns?" the man wondered aloud as he once again bemoaned his awful luck. He was beginning to wonder if his theft had indeed been worth all this trouble.

The man turned his face forward once more, intending to scan the area for any opportunity to give the lightning shooting cop behind him the slip. And his eyes just barely caught a flash of brown before he was roughly knocked to the street once more.

"Hey, hey, hey," the girl with the lightning gun's large, male partner began after close-lining their target. "Look what I found."

"Good work, Pete," the girl greeted as she quickly caught up.

"But of course, Myka," Pete replied with his best imitation of a Canadian accent. "Like the Royal Canadian Mounties, Agent Pete Lattimer always gets his man."

Myka just stared at her partner for a second, her impossibly big eyes admonishing his ever present need to make a joke out of every situation. She shook her head and turned back to their captured thief. "Alright, where's Gene Rodenberry's pen?"

"No, you can't take it. You don't understand! I already told my clan I had it... and I would've had it too if you had it too if that old guy hadn't outbid me at the auction. Really, who pays fifty thousand dollars for a pen? It's not right. I deserve that pen. I've earned it! I-"

The obsessive Star Trek fan's rant was cut short as Myka pulled out her 'ray-gun' once more. "Just hand over the pen."

The Star Trek fan stared at the weapon for a second, then through pained expression he begrudgingly offered up the pen he had in his possession.

Pete's pocket began to ring at the same moment, and he pulled a small metal box from it. Opening up said box revealed a tiny, black and white screen, the image of an older somewhat heavy set man within. "Did you get it?" the older man asked as Pete's partner pulled a sliver package envelop from her pocket and opened it up, a small puff of odd, purple, sparkling gas seeping into the air as she did.

"Yeah, Myka's bagging it now." The female, secret service officer averted her gaze, dropped the pen into the envelop and... nothing happened. She fixed a quizzical look on her partner and he in-turn turned back to the older man on the other end of the bizarre communication's device.

"Artie, it didn't work. Nothing happened."

"No, no. When I dropped it into that first bag after the auction, that neutralized it."

"Well, could... could it have changed somehow after this guy stole it from you?"

"Impossible. Artifacts don't just suddenly alter the way they work like that, not without a substantial electromagnetic disturbance, and Claudia isn't picking up anything like that from your current location. No, the bag should have worked. Unless... are you sure you have the right pen?"

The two agents turned to their captive. "You trying to pull the old switcharue on us?"

"Don't make us do a strip search, please."

"What, no? You wouldn't! I-I... That's the pen. Really. I've had it in my hand the whole time, and nothing... wait. I bumped into a lady a little bit ago and dropped it. Maybe... maybe it got switched with one of her pens or something."

"It looks plain enough. I suppose something like that's possible," Myka responded as her partner looked around uneasily. "Pete, what is it?"

"A vibe, a bad one." He continued looking around but saw nothing out of the ordinary, just the regular Disney crowd: cartoon characters, families passing by, and Captain Jake Sparrow signing an autograph for some little kid. "Artie, what exactly does Gene Rodenberry's pen do?"

"It was the pen he used to write the pilot episode of the first Star Trek series, which featured cell phones, handheld scanners, medical displays and a host of other gadgets not yet invented when the series first aired. The pen has the power to make fictional things real."

"And we're standing in the middle of a huge park built around fantasy and magic. Just great," Myka sarcastically commented.

"Exactly, you two have got to find that pen. And fast."

"This lady, where did you say you bumped into her?"

"Just outside the Indiana Jones attraction."

"And the woman, what did she look like."

"Thin. Blonde... almost white hair. Young. She had glasses. Oh, and she was with another girl and two guys. One was crazy, tall, had red eyes and a long red coat. And they were all wearing orange shirts for some reason."

"Alright, then we need to get back there and see if we can pick up her trail."

"What about me?"

"You? Enjoy the park, and stop taking things that don't belong to you."

And so the two agents left the Star Trek fan to go in search of the woman he'd described. And off to the side, a certain pirate's lip curled up at the corner and he handed the pad of paper and pen back to the boy who'd given them to him.

"Hey, you were suppose to write your name. That's an X."

The pirate looked back down at the kid. The captain straightened his hat and replied in half drunk tones. "That, my dear lad, be me middle initial." Then he pulled an old compass from his pocket and began to stammer away.


Jack's compass led him to the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction, and that was just perfect. Oh, the things he could do with a magic pen that brought make-believe to life. Why the possibilities were nearly endless. And here they'd gone and so kindly brought it right to an area filled with all manner of pirate-y things. There was even a large, wooden mark-up of Jack's beloved Black Pearl, the terror of the seven seas and one thing the pirate captain coveted above all others. After he procured the magic pen, that would be the first thing he transformed. All he needed to do was find the platinum-blonde he'd spied that odd, short man bumping into earlier and find some way to wrest the enchanted pen from its unsuspecting holder.

"This is demented," the elder vamp announced. "Making the most powerful vampire on the planet and his master wait in line like common riff-raff. May I please... cut us a path to the front of the line?" the monster inquired with sadistic glee.

"You're demented," his master replied. "And no, you may not. The last thing I need on my vacation is you running off and causing trouble that I'll have to sort out. Now, behave and wait patiently in line like everyone else."

"But, Master, I'm not like everyone else. I'm the master of darkness, an absolute horror to behold, the slaughter of men and defiler of virgins. I am terror. I am the night. I am..."

"Darkwing Duck?" Seras cut in with a giggle.

"Careful there, Police Girl. Mocking one's master is not something good fledglings do; and I don't think you're quite ready to see what happens to naughty fledglings. It is quite... 'embarrassing' especially when in public and surrounded by such nice, wholesome families," Alucard chastised with a lecherous grin.

Seras's eyes went wide as she got her master's meaning. "I-I... S-sorry, Master. I didn't mean to..."

"You can relax, Officer Victoria," Integra interrupted. "Your master isn't going to do anything of the sort. As I've repeatedly told him, this is one vacation he's not going to ruin on me."

"Oh, come on, Master. Don't I get to have any fun on this vacation?"

"You should just be grateful you're getting a Christmas vacation at all. If not for my great-grandfather's experiments, you and your fledgling would be hibernating through the holy days along with the rest of your kind."

"Oh yes, I'm so grateful for all of Abraham's experiments," the monster droned, sarcasm practically dripping from his tone. "I must remember to 'thank' him properly when we meet in Hell."

"Watch it, Vampire," Integra warned.

"What? You don't think he's down there waiting for me?"

"I've already warned you once, Alucard. Now twice. I will not warn you again. My great grandfather was a man of God, devote in his beliefs. And I'll not have you besmirching his name."

"He was a sadistic bastard who hid his depravities behind the cloak of performing God's will. And he's hardly the first to do so. Trust me, he did not see any pearly gates when he passed form this world."

"That does it, Alucard. Back to your room, and don't come out until I call for you. Consider yourself grounded until further notice."

"As you wish, Master," the monster replied, stooping into an overdone bow and then vanishing beneath a mass of swirling shadows... much to the shock of the next group in line.

"Um, he's an amateur magician," Seras offered up pathetically. But in-lue of a better explanation, the group seemed willing to accept it.

"Oh, he's pretty good," the mother commented. "Say, does he do birthday parties?"

"Uh... no. I'm afraid he's not very good with kids."

"Oh, that's a shame."

"Yeah," Seras responded awkwardly and then turned away from the family.

The park's sound system started to play a song from the Beauty and the Beast sequel, the Enchanted Christmas, and that gave Pip and idea. "Say, Mignonette, what would you say to coming over to my room latter tonight for a little, private movie watching, just the two of us.?"

"Pip," Seras warned.

"No, no," her boyfriend was quick to respond. "Not that kind of a movie. I was thinking Beauty and the Beast."

Seras seemed both surprised and intrigued by the suggestion. "A Disney movie?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Don't be too surprised, Mignonette. This is Disney Land, and we are in France. Sounds like the perfect setting for Beauty and the Beast to me. Besides, that one was always my favorite Disney movie. So, what do you say? Will you... Be my guest?" Pip asked as he waggled his eyebrows, drawing a little laugh from the young vamp.

"Hehe, Alright. I'll be by say around 10:30, half an hour after the park closes."

"Sounds good, an-"

"Hey!" Integra exclaimed, drawing the two you, love-birds' attention away from each other. "What do you think you're doing?" She turned sharply, drawing her pants' pocket away from the man who's hand was reaching into it.

Said man responded by drawing a sword from his belt. "No need to panic, Lass. Just hand over that silver pen in your pocket, and everything will be fine."

Integra just stared vacantly for a split second. Then she recognized the character before her and realized what must've been happening. Of course, they were smack dab in the middle of the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction, and the particular pirate before her was none other than Captain Jack Sparrow himself. And he was after her 'silver'. Surely this was all part of the experience, a little, interactive show between the park staff and patrons. Well, sure, she'd play along. After all, this could be fun.

"Hold my spot in-line," Integra commanded, briefly turning towards Seras, an amused smile upon the former's face.

Then the English aristocrat turned back to the buccaneer captain. "Ah, so you want silver do you?" she asked while maneuvering herself in a semi-circle around the pirate with the drawn sword. "Well, then, let's just see if you can take it from me, shall we?" she challenged loudly, playing to the crowd around them, as she tore a decorative, metal saber from a near-by display. The sword was unsharpened of course, but is was forged from genuine iron and not too unbalanced. It was hardly anything the Lady Integra would've wanted to use to square off against a vampire in the dead of night, but she judged it adequate for a mock street performance.

"Are you quite sure you want to be crossing blades with a pirate?" Jack asked.

"I am Sir Integral Wingates Hellsing, last of the Hellsing line, and if you want the, um... 'Silver Pen of Might' you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers," the lady knight replied, then wondered if perhaps her response was a little too dramatic for their light-hearted role-play.

"Why can't it ever go smooth?" The Captain sighed and then brought his saber down on Integra's.

Wow, the man must've been a method actor. The force of that swing had nearly knocked Integra's own blade from her hand. Clearly her opponent in this play-duel wasn't pulling his punches. Well, two could play at that game. Integra was, after all, a master swordsman. And as she shifted her stance to take the lead in their little dance she almost felt bad for the Disney Land employee squaring off against her. The poor sod had no idea what he was in for.

Jack was driven back by the combined precision and ferociousness of his opponent's attack. The woman was a tigress and far more skilled with the blade than he'd given her credit for. The pirate's original intention had simply been to disarm the lady, knock the saber from her hand and force her to relinquish the pen. But as she continued to advance, and drive Jack further back, he quickly realized that he was going to have to apply more effort to the fight.

Integra lashed out at the pirate's sword, but the latter parried her attack and thrust at the momentary opening that created. Integra was quick to close the gap however, and brought her own blade back just in time to deflect the pirate's blow. "Hey, watch it!" she exclaimed as she swung down, and Jack swung up, the two locking sabers and drawing in closer to each other. "Cutting it a little close, aren't we?"

"'Tis a sword fight, Love. That's kinda the point," Jack replied as he summoned up his greater upper body strength to break the lock and push the lady knight backwards.

"Indeed? So, that's how you want to play it, huh? Very well then; let's see if you can keep up." The two locked again for a mere second. "Let's give them a real show," Integra continued with a whisper, causing her opponent's brow to knit in confusion. The park's sound system switched to a rock version of Deck the Halls and the knight pulled back and quickly spun around the pirate's right flank, lashing at his rear with her blunted blade.

But Jack hit the ground fast and rolled just out of reach before Integra could connect. He came up a few yards away and readied himself once more. "You are skilled, Lass... obviously quite mad... but skilled none the less. Perhaps you'd consider signing up as me first mate? I could use a capable right hand man... er, so to speak. And crazy never hurts when keeping the sailor boys in line."

"An interesting offer, but I'd never sign up with a brigand like you, Cap'n Jack," Integra replied as she closed the distance between them and launched into another flurry of attacks.

"Oh, come now, Lass. I'm not really so bad... once you get to know me," Jack replied as he bobbed, darted, and parried.

"Oh? And is that the line you used on that poor nun? Captain Blackbeard's daughter. What was her name? Ah, yes: Angelica."

"What? How do you know about her?" the pirate responded, his tone betraying genuine surprise.

"Oh, I know all about you, Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Indeed? Then it seems I was mistaken before," the captain mused aloud as he ducked below one of the knight's slashes.

"Oh?" Integra responded as she blocked her opponent's counter attack.

"Yes, it appears I really am that bad once you got to know me," Jack continued with a dry chuckle.

"That you are, Cap'n. And I intend to be the one to bring you to justice."

"Aye, that may be, Love. Even still, I'm afraid there's something you're forget-"

"Excuse me," Myka cut in as she placed herself between the two duelers. "But I'm afraid you've got something that doesn't belong to you."

"I'd imagine he has a great number of things that don't belong to him," Integra quipped, doing her best to adlib over the intrusion.

"Not him, you."

"Excuse me," the lady knight replied with obvious offence. "Are you excusing me of theft?" she asked, raising her saber in a threatening manner.

"Woe there, easy. No one's accusing you of anything," Pete interjected. "A short bald guy said that he bumped into you earlier, and we think your pen may have gotten mixed up with the one he was carrying is all," the agent continued as he offered the knight back her original pen.

"Wait, what?" Integra asked in a puzzled tone as she reached into her pocket and pulled the pen Seras had retrieved from the street out to look it over. "What's the big fascination wit-" Integra's words were cut short as Jack sprinted by her, snatching up the pen as he went.

"Hey!" the lady knight exclaimed.

"No, stop!"

"Bring that back!" the two agents shouted. Then all three took off after the pirate captain, Integra quite forgetting about the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction as her mind wrapped itself in the mystery of this simple pen that everyone suddenly seemed to want.


Jack ran through the fantasy world, out of the Pirates' attraction, out of Adventureland itself and down towards Main Street, where the park was in the midst of its daily parade. Colorful floats, each one dedicated to a different Disney movie or show rolled slowly down the mock American street, as a happy crowd of families gathered round to watch them. Still, the chase continued.

"What exactly is going on here anyway? Why do you all care so much about a silly pen?" Integra asked as she ran alongside the two American agents.

"Can't say. It's classified," Pete answered.

"Excuse me?" Integra snapped back, for the first time in her life being on the other side of the classified fence and not liking the view one bit.

"Sorry, all we can tell you is that if we don't get that pen back - and soon - something very bad is going to happen," Myka replied, then turned her attention to her partner. "You still getting that bad vibe?"

"OH, yeah. Big time. Whatever is going to happen, it's going down soon."

"Then let's put an end to this," Integra responded as she summoned up her endurance for the final push to catch up with Jack. She breathed deeply and passed the two American agents, then let out a little growl as she leapt into the air and came down right behind her target, warping her arms around his legs and tackling him to the street.

However Jack lost his grip as he went down, and the pen launched into the air. Time seemed to slow as it rotated, once, twice, three times before smashing against a black head horn and cracking. There was an almost blinding flash as the power, previously contained within the pen, escaped. And then a maniacal crackling could be heard throughout the square.

"Muhahahhaha! Free! Free! Alive and FREE!" a sinister female voice called from a cloak of dark smoke, temporarily drowning out any hint of Christmas tunes wafting from the park's integrated sound system. Then the smoke cleared, revealing a tall, thin, pale-green skinned dark sorceress.

"And look, Diablo," she called to the raven perched upon her shoulder as she looked out at those gathering around the float, "the Muggles are throwing us a welcome back party. And I do so love a party," the self proclaimed Mistress of all Evil cooed darkly. "Ah, but business before pleasure. If this is to be my new seat of power, it must have a palace fitting of that distinction."

And like a bolt, the creature arched faster than the eye could see to the tip top of Sleeping Beauty Castle, the great monument of Disneyland Paris. She hovered in place for a moment, looking down upon it, and all those within the park. Then a green-ish flame shot from her staff. Only instead of burning what it touched this particular flame seemed to corrupt as the majestic castle was twisted into a dark mirror of its former beauty.

"Oh no, it's Maleficent," Myka called.

"Who?" her partner inquired.

"The evil godmother from the story of Sleeping Beauty."

"Oh, that's just great. Now we've got an evil fairy running around Disneyland. I just wanted a normal, calm, quiet vacation, is that too much to ask?" Integra asked in exasperation, her head turned upwards.

"Wait, the pen! Maybe we can still stop this!" Pete suggested, as he ran over to where the broken pen laid upon the edge of the float. He scooped it up and dropped it into another silver pouch. But once again, nothing happened. "I guess the magic is gone."

"Great, so what do we do about the Queen of Evil?" Myka asked.

"Pardon me, but I believe you're mistaken. The Evil Queen is from Snow White, not Sleeping Beauty," Captain Jack replied, drawing a big-eyed 'what's-wrong-with-you' stare from the female American agent, as he dusted himself off.

But before anyone had the chance to propose a course of action, a terrible host of grotesque goblins and troll-like creatures proceeded out of the now dark and sinister castle.

"And now she's got an army. This is just great."

"Enough of this!" Integra finally shouted. "I came here for a nice, relaxing Christmas vacation; and, by God, I'm not about to let any Disney movie runaway great away with ruining it! ALUCARD!"

And just like that the red-clad monster was at his master's side. "Yes, Master, you called?"

"Yes, it seems as though you're going to get to have some 'fun' after all."

"Oh?"

"You see that army of goblins and such pouring out of the castle? Deal with them and their dark mistress for me, would you?"

The monster's mouth watered at the thought and the sudden twinkling in his eyes could've rivaled that of Santa Clause. "Yes, my master. It will be a pleasure."

And so the monster summoned his oversized guns, and Hellsing's 'trash-man' began to work his magic just as the Christmas music playing through the park audio switched to another song.

I'm Mister White Christmas
I'm Mister Snow
I'm Mister Icicle
I'm Mister Ten Below

Three goblins rushed the only man foolish enough to actually be heading towards the dark castle, but Alucard was more than ready for such a pitiful attack.

Friends call me Snow Miser,
What ever I touch
Turns to snow in my clutch
I'm too much!

The master vampire dissuaded his attackers from advancing any further by blasting the hand off one, causing the little creature's pitchfork to clatter to the street with a clank. Then Alucard shot the foot off another and stopped for a half a second to watch the minion hop around widely before disposing of the third with a bullet to the brain.

He's Mister White Christmas
He's Mister Snow
He's Mister Icicle
He's Mister Ten Below

Observing the sadistic glee Alucard had shown while dealing with their brethren, the other goblins seemed a little less eager to attack him. However, the display had also drawn the attention of Maleficent herself. "What are you waiting for, you pathetic fools? Get him!" she shouted from her tower, and more consumed by their fear of their dark mistress than the odd stranger the goblins surged forward like a great, rushing wave.

Friends call me Snow Miser,
What ever I touch
Turns to snow in my clutch
He's too much!

Alucard's face showed no fear as he stared down the advancing horde. In fact, he seemed to be quite enjoying himself as he blasted widely into the oncoming flood with his two gun, his red cote flapping dramatically behind him almost like a cape. "That's right, come to me you insignificant blights on the name of evil, come to me," he laughed manically.

I never want to know a day
That's over forty degrees
I'd rather have it thirty,
Twenty, then Five, then let it freeze!

Maleficent's army was defeated. Nearly half of the creature littered the previously pristine street, either dead or grievously wounded, and the rest had finally broken and fled. But rather than frightened Maleficent seemed amused by this turn of events.

I'm Mister Green Christmas
I'm Mister Sun
I'm Mister Heat Blister
I'm Mister Hundred and One

"Well, well, it seems that someone's finally sent a champion against me who knows his way around the hellish wonders of war. Come, face me champion, and learn to submit to all the powers of Hell!" And with that the sorceress transformed herself into a great, black and purple dragon with gushing green flames.

They call me Heat Miser,
What ever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch
I'm too much!

A great gust of flame flew at Alucard, and the ancient vampire launched himself into the air. However, his bottom half was still caught in the blast and melted away. He hung there for a split second, nothing but seared strips of meat and dripping blood from the waist down, and the dragon grinned. But then the vampire's head merely rolled back as he launched into a fit of dark laughter and shadow tendrils sprouted from his top half and began to regenerate the missing bottom as he flew towards the great dragon.

He's Mister Green Christmas
He's Mister Sun
He's Mister Heat Blister
He's Mister Hundred and One

The dragon belched up blast after blast of green flame, but still the vampire continued to advance. He endured some of the blast directly, laughing insanely as they melted the flesh from his bones, and dodged only when there was so little of his physically form left that he needed to give the body a chance to regenerate. And finally he reached the dragon.

They call me Heat Miser,
What ever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch
He's too much!
Thank you!

But Maleficent wasn't down and out yet. She swung her tail like a whip, knocking the vampire out of the air and into one of her clawed hands. With anticipation, the dragon smiled down at its captured prey. "And now, they'll be no more bobbing and darting. I'm going to roast in my hands! What a fool you were to think you could triumph over the forces of pure evil!" The dragon roared out a triumphant laugh.

I never want to know a day
That's under sixty degrees
I'd rather have it eighty,
Ninety, one hundred's a breeze!
Oh, some like it hot, but I like it
REALLY hot! Hee hee!

"In case you haven't noticed," Alucard responded, not a trace of fear in his tone. "I'm not exactly nice myself. Releasing Control Art Restriction Systems to level one, emergency situation approval recognized. Commencing the Cromwell invocation. Ability restrictions lifted for limited use until the enemy has been rendered silent." And with that, the 'caged' monster dissolved into an inky mass of creeping, many eyed shadows. They coated the dragon's claw, then spread, inching over every single scale like a fast moving cancer.

"What? What is this? What's happening?" The dragon called out. "No, NO!"

'I'm consuming you,' a slick voice oozed with Maleficent's mind. 'Your body, your power, your memories, your very soul. I'm making you mine, mine forever. Welcome to my family of familiars, Maleficent.' The evil sorceress wasn't sure whether to take comfort or terror from the words seeping into her mind. Not that it really mattered. She could feel herself dissolving quickly, melting into... whatever it was that she'd held in her clutches mere moments earlier. And as she began to merge with the soup of all the others the monster had consumed across the centuries she quickly realized that there was nothing she could do to prevent it. It was over, and she'd lost.

Not too far away three of the visitors who'd refused to run as the park descended into darkness stood, mouths agape and eyes wide as they beheld Maleficent's end, while the forth impassionedly scrutinized the scene, almost like a teacher grading a test. "WHat... was that?" Pete finally asked in shock.

"Can't say. It's classified," Integra answered and then smiled from the joy of once again being on the right side of the classified fence.


Well, Lila, I hope you enjoyed the ride. Not quite sure this is what you had in mind when you first made your request, but it's the best idea I could come up with for a fic featuring the Miser Brothers' songs, Alucard and Maleficent, and a duel between Integra and Captain Jack Sparrow. Hopefully you enjoyed. And to anyone else who may have happened to check it out, I hope you enjoyed as well.

Have a good day, God bless, and Merry Christmas to all.

Metropolis Kid.