A/N: holy hell i'm making progress! :D working down my list of half-shots :3 dunno why this is working... probably because i 'should' be working on the next chap for 'Who You Callin' Hyuuga?' -glances around paranoid- cough cough...
ANYWAY! :D as you can probably tell, this is LONG-AS-HELL! i swear its like half the length of this whole thing in only one chap... yea... started out as a 'simple' song-fic for Blessid Union of Souls' 'Hey Leonardo!' more commonly known as 'She likes me for me!' :D seriously, that's how i knew the song... so looking up the lyrics was... 'funny' XD
anywho... as stated, long-as-hell, this bitch started small... then a funny idea got caught in my brain and... well, it went WILD! like more crack-tas-tic then 'Another Reason to Hate Him' and THAT was random... though i will say THIS is where i got most of my ideas for 'Summary of Insanity' so if you 'notice' anything the same, yea... that's why :3
Dis: Bleach-y things go to Titty K. song this was 'based' on 'Hey Leonardo!' goes to Blessid Union of Souls :3
"So wait, it's not because of his money?" Abarai said while looking through a pair of binoculars out the top window in the west tower off one of the courtyards in Seireitei.
"Can't be," Iba said, snatching the long-distance seeing objects and looking out from their forward base at their 'targets', stepping on Renji in the process, "'Cause he doesn't have that much to spend…"
"I don't think that means anything to them…" Kira said as he crouched in front of the window just looking out with his normal vision.
What the precarious group of males in the west tower were looking at was an empty courtyard with only two occupants. Currently, the female subject, being of diminutive size, black hair in two long tails and cropped short around her face, was leaning against the MUCH larger form of the male subject, being of the red akita anthropomorphic persuasion. Both looking rather cozy after a rather 'dangerous' captain level hakuda spar… thus the lack of Haori on both, and the male dog-man's lack of shirt all together, was not unexpected.
Therefore it was a viewful for the spying male lieutenants to see, considering it was bare back to bare back.
"It can't be his looks," Matsumoto 'hmphed' as she lowered the binoculars and handing them off to her right, "I mean he's not built like Kenpachi," the blonde snickered a moment, "and he's certainly no Byakuya…"
"That's comforting…" said 'captive' captain stated plainly, since the Shinigami-Woman's-Association had high-jacked him and his 'hardware' to 'investigate' an 'urgent' matter… namely the 'apparent' rumor of the two captains the SWA was currently spying on being 'involved'. The Kuichiki Captain really wanted to sigh right now, not only at the total lack of respect for privacy, but because all his hard bought spying equipment used to make sure his sweet innocent sister wasn't being 'man-handled' by a certain orange-haired barbarian was being used for this. He muttered under his breath, "Useless…"
A paper fan suddenly found itself in the rich captain's face, "Quiet Byakushi! We're spying!" said a high-pitched squeally voice from the little-looking girl above him, Yachiru. He smartly kept his mouth shut before going on some aneurism-inducing rant to the bubblegum haired 'president' of the SWA and semi-permanent menace/guest at his home.
"Well, he's cute, in a dog kind of way…" Isane said, handing the binoculars over, trying really hard to ignore the silently-fuming male captain behind them.
"Well he's got to have more charm then Kyouraku," Nanao quipped with only the tiniest smirk at her captain's expense as she looked through the binoculars, "I mean, if we're going to talk about real 'dogs'…" there was a round of snickers at the irony of that statement.
"It's probably the ears," all eyes turned to the perpetually standing Nemu, in one of those rare moments she actually joined in their conversation, since they managed to sneak her away from her creepy father's clutches to join in their shenanigans. All seemed to just blink as they registered that she had actually made a comment that made sense for once.
"Ya know…" The blonde of the group mused, "She may be on to something…"
As they all pondered on that, Nanao, crouching next to the window and looking out with the binoculars, "I wonder what she sees…"
"Both are rather well adept at making rending decisions with unwavering loyalty to the Captain-Commander… maybe they simply just get along with similar ways of thinking," Byakuya threw in his two cents, figuring since he was probably the only one that saw both captains on a semi-regular basis could probably answer their silly questions so he could get his spy-gear back.
"Hmm," Matsumoto snatched the binoculars from Nanao, inciting her protest, which the blonde completely ignored, "I figured those two would have a lot of insecurities they could probably bounce off one another…" from their view she could see the smaller Konoichi-captain just lean into the large dog man, as if using him for a pillow, or maybe she was knocked unconscious? That last blow looked like it sure as hell hurt; being bodily thrown through two stone walls by a 'guy' literally twice your size isn't exactly on her list of normal daily mishaps. –I know she's gotta be tough as nails, but still… damn - But then the well-endowed blonde saw the dark haired woman move, and if she didn't know any better, it looked like she was nuzzling into his fur. The blonde smirked, "~Somebody looks comfy~!"
"Gimme, Boobs," the pink-haired, three-foot-something president of the SWA sat on top of Byakuya's well cared for hair and made to snatch the binoculars from the busty-blonde, "I wanna see!"
"No way!" she reached out and held them up, taunting the small child-like Shinigami. The mischievous blond grinned like a cat to the little pinky, "This isn't something for small children… you wouldn't get it~!"
"Byakushi, up!" Yachiru stomped on his head.
"This is-" so much for his two cents.
"No arguing!" and she stomped on his well pampered hair again, almost making the weird thingies in his hair snap. That got him moving to the little pink-haired squirt's tune. Standing up quickly, Byakuya was easily taller than the buxom blonde, and merely snatched, yes snatched, the desired binoculars from her, all the while knocking Yachiru from on top his head to straddling his neck, like a small child should be. She held her smaller hand out around his head, "lemme see!"
"One moment," feeding into the evils of temptation, the formidable Captain of 6th squad put the spying device to his own eyes and spied what had these silly females all up in a tizzy.
Yachiru 'hmphed' on his shoulders and managed to cross her arms on top of his head, at least she wasn't eating his hair ornaments like last time.
Matsumoto was openly snickering.
Isane was trying hard NOT to openly snicker.
While Nanao just pushed up her glasses with a smirk on her face.
And Nemu was simply observing the whole thing.
Then out of nowhere, "I wonder if he sheds all over the pillow at night with that kind of fur?"
"You think he's got a big screen TV or something?" Renji was stepping over Kira after snatching back the binoculars. From their side they couldn't see the infamous 'nuzzling' on the other side like the SWA could, but they did see the big lug of a dog playing with his hands, almost like he was poking his index fingers together, like a shy school girl or something.
"A what?" Ikkaku bluntly stated, he was simply sitting in a corner hugging a bottle of sake, not really knowing what the guys were talking about or looking at. It seemed rather useless to him, the fight was over after all.
"Nevermind…" The pineapple head waved back to the baldy, who pouted at him.
"I hear he's got a huge collection of weapons…" Hisagi flatly stated as he took the binoculars from Renji, who pouted.
"Since when?" Iba yelled indignantly from Ikkaku's corner, an obvious rosy tint to his cheeks seeing as he managed to get the bottle from the bald man. He cleared his throat, "If he did I'D be the first to know…"
"Well, what if he got it to impress her?" The tattooed guy said back, not really seeing good with the binoculars.
"I don't think that'd really matter to her…" Kira said rather depressingly as he lifted himself up from under Renji's foot, consequently knocking him over.
There was a minor man-squeal as the red-head fell over.
"Yea," the purple-haired lieutenant sighed, "I guess she wouldn't really use them that often anyway…"
"I wonder if she could ride him," Matsumoto stated out loud as she squinted over Nanao just watching the two captains from a distance.
Most of them just stared at her.
"What?" she blinked at them, "I'd want to," cumulative heads tilted to the side, except Nemu, she just stared off blankly like she normally did. The busty blonde crossed her arms around her chest, "Seriously? No one's ever thought about what it'd be like ride around on a giant dog-thing like a horse?"
A series of light-bulbs just seemed to go off, "OOOO-OOHHH…"
The blonde stared at them all as they quickly went back to what they were doing, a little too quickly. She squinted at them, "What were you all thinking?"
Ironically it was Isane and Nanao that squealed out at the top of their lungs with red faces, "NOTHING!"
"Why'd I wanna do that? I got Ken-chan and Byakushi," to express her point further, the bubblegum haired ball of terror proceeded to pull at the Kuichiki head's hair, Almost pulling the hair-thingies out.
The noble's only response was to stare blankly in front of him as he lowered the binoculars. The mere idea that he was put in the same category as that big oaf was an insult, and for it to be something other than the fact both were captains, and that it was 'Yachiru's preferred mount' slightly irritated him… And she was playing with his hair again. –Damn child… when will she learn to stop that…- he absentmindedly handed the wanted spy-item to the little ball of terror on his shoulders, in hopes to occupy those hands away from his well maintained hair.
"YAY~!" with the attention span of a goldfish, Yachiru's hands quickly left the dark tresses of the Kuichiki lord and started 'spying' once more.
Nanao looked at the squealing child on the stoic lord's shoulders, a part of her was smirking, and if the looks on the other woman's faces, minus Nemu since she was unreadable as per usual, then they probably had the same idea. Pulling her bespeckled eyes away from the 'cute' scene and mused on the scene down in the court yard pertaining to their sister-member and the largest of captains, "Hmm…"
It looked as if the canid Captain had shifted to look at the diminutive Konoichi. The change in position somewhat resulting in SoiFong, formally leaning against his back, to be almost laying down on the ground with her upper half leaning on his leg and head resting in his large lap. While not looking particularly comfortable, the Captain-Konoichi made no sign she was going to move any time soon.
"It looks like they're talking about something," Isane off handedly said, leaning slightly over the shorter Nanao to get a better look.
"It's soooo cuuute~!" Matsumoto once again squealed, squeezing her well-known assets together as she hopped up and down like a hyper school girl.
Okay, even Byakuya couldn't help the tiny thought in his head that: -HA! I'm here surrounded by Seireitei's finest of the fairer sex… not with the rest of those buffoons holed up in the west tower…- none of this displayed in his outward countenance. Years and years of being a cold hearted bastard were certainly paying off.
"I believe it is safe to assume, that should SoiFong-Taichou request, as Matsumoto-Fukutaichou suggested," most eyes turned to the seemingly droning and not really aware of her surroundings, voice of Nemu as she stated her observation, "To 'ride him'," this would be an appropriate moment for air-quotes, if Nemu was capable of them. No one really paid any heed to the slight tinting in both Isane and Nanao's faces as the semi-android-like woman continued, "With their close interactions present, and gentle mannerisms on Komamura-Taichou's part, he would allow such… 'odd'… behavior if she were only to ask…"
The three adult women and male Captain just stared at the unusual lieutenant trying to decipher what in world she just said. As her placid dark green eyes turned to them for some kind of 'appraisal' of her 'joining in the conversation' all eyes went back to the unsuspecting couple, none really wanting to answer any questions she may have.
Center tower overlooking the Courtyard, upper floor…
"I say she just likes his company," a cough interrupted the speech, "I mean, we can't just assume things from what we're seeing…" despite his tone being obviously against this whole 'spying thing', that didn't stop Ukitake from continuing to watch the 'couple' from his crouched and badly trying to hide position with binoculars covering his eyes.
"Ooh yah?" a rather lazy sounding voice from the white haired captain's right. A cheeky smile went over Kyouraku's unshaven chin, "I mean it can't be 'cause he's social, it's not like he hangs out with Byakuya…" there may or may not have been a very loud, manly, sneeze from the east tower, "Or that other guy from seventh division, what's his name?"
"I think its Iba," another, more manly, sneeze from the west tower.
"You guys are so childish," an icy voice came from behind the two crouching captains. Ukitake and Kyouraku glanced briefly behind them to look into the disapproving crystalline eyes of Hitsugaya Toushiro.
"Aww, come on," The man with the straw hat whined to the boy-captain, "Have a little fun!"
Ukitake at least had the decency to look embarrassed, "We're only looking out for their well being…"
The ice wielder did not look impressed.
"This is a matter of Seireitei's safety," all eyes present turned to the gravelly voice beside them, all of them squirming when they noticed who it was.
"S-s-soutaichou!" Hitsugaya almost squealed out, he was not expecting the captain-commander to be here as well.
"Sasakibe!" the Captain-commander's gravelly voice spoke of authority as his lieutenant appeared, seemingly from thin air behind him.
"Hai," the quiet man spoke briefly, holding his bow as he held out an object in his hand to the wizen old man.
The white haired youth's hand smacked loudly to his face as he growled under his breath, "You've got to be kidding me…"
As it was, Sasakibe had handed his captain a pair of rather pricey looking binoculars, and the elder man proceeded to sit down, rather nonchalant, on a chair that seemed to miraculously appear out of nowhere.
The two older captains just grinned like little kids, each seemingly teleporting to the sides of the old man like kids at charismas with their grandfather.
"As you can see, Yamamato-sensei, after that rather well displayed Hakuda duel…" Ukitake started babbling, seemingly explaining what the hell had happened before the old man showed up.
"Mm," he made the barest of nods, "Their turbulent reiatsu is part of the reason I came…"
"You actually think this adorable relationship might be a concern, Yama-jiji?" Kyouraku's drawl openly questioned the man who was in charge of them all.
"Of course I think it may be a concern," the old man's voice was gravelly and stern as he accented his point by slamming his palm on his lap. For a moment the youngest captain present actually thought the old man was concerned because of the lunacy this whole 'situation' had brought about.
Oh how wrong he was…
"If this were to continue I'd lose my two most loyal and effective captains to… to…" the old man lowered his binoculars and seemed to shutter, "Parenthood…"
A very… 'disturbing'… silence passed after that.
Hitsugaya's jaw was resting firmly on the ground as he threw out all his stoic aloofness to express his unfathomable loss of faith in the man he served.
Ukitake and Kyouraku on the other hand…
"Oh no!" Ukitake cringed, "We didn't think that far ahead… we thought they were just spending extra time together…" pause, cough, "And it was cute!"
The old man gave him a one eyed glance, completely serious, "And what does that lead to?"
"Dating!" Kyouraku gasped, "And imagine if they went steady!"
Both 'younger' captains visibly cringed.
"They would spend less time concentrating on work, and more on each other!" the white haired man held his hands in front of him dramatically, "Their divisions would have less supervision!" horrible images started passing through the constantly sick man's mind. Ninja running loose throughout soul society, assassinations backing up, members of the seventh division doing as they pleased, dogs walking themselves!
"We'd have to actually do something in their stead!" Kyouraku could only imagine the horror, as Yama-jiji called on his 'two best students' to do his menial bidding instead of the two down in the courtyard that usually did whatever he said due to some profound sense of loyalty. The stubbly man squealed, "I don't want to have to kill random people 'cause they pissed the commander off or have to get that one book of the very top shelf! I'm not that tall!"
Hitsugaya face palmed. THIS was their reason for being here? He took a moment to grind his teeth and try to block out the two WAAAAAAY-older-then-he-was men's whining. Then something seemed to strike his train of thought, "Wait, didn't the Captain-commander say he was worried about losing them to… to…"
There was a swift tap! As the old man struck his staff on the ground like he normally did during captain's meetings, "Parenthood! That is correct Hitsugaya-Taichou!"
The younger 'man' squirmed, not because of the old man looking his way with such fierce determination, but because he was actually being serious about this lunacy… that and the idea of either SoiFong or Komamura Sajin having children, let alone together, was just… disturbing. He raised his hand to try and stem this insanity any further, "Um… Soutaichou…"
"That's right!" the older white-haired man slammed his fist into his palm, "After going steady one of them would assuredly propose to the other…"
"I bet SoiFong would do it," Kyouraku said lowly, watching the couple yet again through his binoculars, taking note how the diminutive woman was languidly resting in the large canine-man's lap, as if she were actually comfortable there.
Completely ignoring his friend's comment, Ukitake continued, "Then they would get married, completely forgoing their duties as captains," he gasped, "And then…" he seemed to twitch a moment before a coughing fit took hold of him.
Tap! "You are correct!" came the Captain-Commander's booming voice.
Kyouraku took this moment to smack his almost-brother on the back, trying to stem the coughs, with one hand, while rubbing his stubble with other in thought, "I wonder if they would have puppies?"
-Brain… crashing…- was the last conscious thought of Hitsugaya.
The old man rubbed his beard in thought, "Hmm… now that you mention it…"
"I bet they'd be adorable!" the coughing fit seemed to have stopped, and the girlish sparkling in Ukitake's eyes was just plain creepy, "Remember back when SoiFong was little, she was so cute!"
Kyouraku rubbed his chin, "That is true, almost as cute as my Nanao-chan~" he stated with that perverted grin of his, "Could you imagine, a little girl like SoiFong-chan~ with Komamura's red hair?!" now the creepy sparkles were in his eyes, "She might even have puppy ears like her daddy!"
It was a disturbing sight indeed, watching full-grown men squeal and scheme like 17-year-old high school girls… surely the Captain-Commander was going to put a stop to this madness? Right?
"Hmm…" the old man stroked his beard, "Cunning senses, ninja ability, the calm demeanor and loyalty of her parents?" All eyes turned to the old man.
"Um… Sou-tai-chou?" Hitsugaya's dwindling faith was holding on to the miniscule thread that maybe, just maybe, the old man would regain sense and stop all this weird speculation of their comrades.
The old man stood up with a flurry and resounding Tap! of his staff, as if he had just made an important decision pertaining to Soul Society's future. He cleared his throat, "I approve of this union!" stunned silence, "In fact, I want more dog-ninja, I want the first five ready within the year!"
"First…" Ukitake blinked.
"Five?" Kyouraku continued.
The two looked at each other, then grinned and grabbed each other around the shoulders, "Less work for us!"
That did it, that was the last straw; Hitsugaya Toushiro had officially lost all faith in his fellow captains.
In the bowls of Division 12, far, far, far away from the courtyard…
Mayuri raised his head from some poor sap he was currently… 'examining', as a sudden wave of… something, overcame him.
"I sense some evil plot has just been hatched, and I wasn't involved in the slightest…" his chrome eyes glanced around his laboratory, nonchalantly ignoring the screams of agony in front of him. Something was definitely amiss, but what?
"I just had a weird thought," Renji raise his red head away from the binoculars he was using.
"You think?" Hisagi gruffly mentioned as he snatched the binoculars from the pineapple head again, eliciting a growl from the man.
"Yea, I do," he crossed his arms turning to the others in the tower, "But that's not the point…"
"If not, then what is?!" Ikkaku hiccupped from his corner drinking with Iba, giggling like school girls at Hisagi's inquiry to Renji actually having a brain.
"Would you guys let me finish!" the fiery red head stomped his feet impatiently.
"Or what?" a sly voice from the other side of Ikkaku cut in, "You'll lose your first thought," eerily girlish laughter ensued from Yumichika as Iba and Ikkaku let out another round of boisterous laughter.
The sixth squad's lieutenant was now visibly steaming, "Oh would you guys shut up!"
Behind the red head Kira and Hisagi we're trying so hard to stifle snickering.
Renji crossed his arms and grumbled to himself for a moment or two as he waited for the gaggle of cackling hens to quiet down. It took more than a moment, and Renji was really starting to wonder if he hadn't slipped into some alternate dimension where the SWA had taken over the bodies of the men present. Finally, after taking serious consideration into releasing his bankai on them, they stopped giggling, enough, so he could finally put forth his rather disturbing idea, "What if they had kids?!"
It's amazing how quickly a room can become deathly silent.
"Hmm," Yumichika was the first to regain his faculties, pondering the odd thought, "That is a disturbing thought…" his she-man mind was going a mile a minute, trying to determine if some spawn from the couple they were spying on would be 'beautiful' or not. He tapped his chin, "Considering Komamura-Taichou keeps himself well groomed, and there hasn't been a day gone by that SoiFong-Taichou wasn't her most deadly beautiful self… I'm sure a child of theirs would at least be above average…"
"Uhh, Yumi?" Ikkaku just gave his partner a very disturbed side-glance. He may have been drunk, sort of, but even to him that sounded just plain weird.
"Oh hell NO!" Iba suddenly stood up with a fire behind his black shades, "No son of my cap'n's gonna be some sissy, beauty obsessed freak like Yumi!"
"Charmed…" The feather eyed weirdo simply waved his hand, as if ignoring the 'manly man's' comment, or just completely brushing it off like it was nothing.
"Um…" Renji just stood dumbfounded at the response he was getting from the men.
Suddenly black shades appeared out of nowhere, and most, excluding Yumichika, since he abhorred the boorish look, and Renji, because he was too stunned by what he was seeing, had taken off their tops, having them hang loosely off their shoulders, and officially changing into 'proper' 'manly' attire. Somehow a banner in the back stating 'Shinigami MEN'S Association' appeared as well. If ever a time for face planting, instead Renji just put his hand to his face, wishing to just retract his statement.
"Uurah!" Iba sat down in proper bancho style, looking as shibui as possible, and having the rest of the guys in the SMA who were properly dressed sit around similarly, except Yumichika, he sat in the corner looking rather posh and bored. He slammed his palm on his knee, "Now, we, the Shinigami Men's Association, shall discuss the imminent, and manly, son my Cap'n is likely to have with his woman!"
"I don't think anyone who wants to keep his manhood would call 'SoiFong' their woman," Kira stated, rather manly, despite the fear of said woman obvious in his voice, as he tilted his shades.
"Okay, ignoring that part then," Iba stated seeing all the guys nod in agreement, "about his son?"
Hisagi raised his hand like a four-year-old.
"Yes, Hisagi!" Iba pointed at the tattooed face Lieutenant.
"Yes, Boss, I have a theory!" tilting his shades, in as manly fashion as possible and noting all ears on him, "I say he'd probably be like his Father, large dog-man, manly as possible, and strong as an ox!" all seemed to nod in agreement, forming the little picture of 'Sajin jr.' in their minds.
"Wait!" Kira spoke up, tilting his shades, "We do have to account that SoiFong-taichou would be his mother, so that means…" a shudder ran down everyone's spine as the delightfully 'manly' image changed, to a very much darker one.
"Mm," Iba nodded with a bead of sweat on the side of his face, "He'd probably have fur as black as her hair, with a bloodthirsty instinct to kill all of his opponents in the most ruthless way possible…"
Again the air became rather heavy with the thought of the could-be were-assassin.
"That'd be AWESOME!" Ikkaku yelled with a delightful gleam behind his shades, "The brat could probably be a match for Kenpachi!"
"Oh dear…" Yumichika, in his corner, sighed exaggeratedly.
"Oi, what'sa matter?" Renji, also in Yumi's corner because he forgot his shades, asked the aloof pretty boy.
The feather-eyed main gave the red head a sidelong glance, "Now Ikkaku's got an idea in his head of a great fight…"
"So?" Renji obviously wasn't getting it.
"So," Yumichika sighed deeply, "That means he'll now do anything possible to get that fight," he shrugged with a nonchalant smile.
"Oh damn…" the red head had just enough time to look up and see the SMA praising the baldy and begin all means of evil scheming to get Iba's Cap'n an 'awesome' son.
Back in the bowels of Twelfth Division…
There it was again, that feeling.
"What the hell is going on?!" Mayuri quickly turned around his laboratory, spying nothing amiss, but that eerie feeling from earlier was creeping up his malevolent spine again. He pointed towards the ceiling like a mad man cursing kami, "I'm warning you, if there's any devious, malicious, and/or vile scheming that I'm not a part of it…" he left the threat open ended, so that anything within hearing range could leave the rest to their own imagination, and in the twelfth division, imagination was everything.
"Now where was I?" glancing back at the task at hand, "Nemu, where the hell are you?!"
Speaking of certain androidesque girls…
"I have a question…" Nemu's soft and seemingly emotionless voice stated to the party of SWA members, and Byakuya. They all turned towards her, both in fear cause of the last thing she said, and also curiosity because she sounded honestly curious.
"Oh dear kami…" Nanao mumbled under hear breath, if the androidesque woman noticed, she made no mention of it.
"If this union were to proceed further on what we can assume is the intended path," blank stares that she conveniently ignored as the present company, again, tried to decipher her manner of speech, "what would that entail for the future of our colleagues?" she raised a speculative brow, curious what this inquiry would incite, seeing as no one wanted to consider her last proposal all that long. Keep in mind; she was trying to join in the 'fun' of this whole endeavor.
"Well," Nanao pushed up her glasses as she went into librarian mode and explained everything in rushed-er, summed up detail, "Assuming these two act like a 'normal' couple," air quotes completely and appropriately used by Ise Nanao, as the 'normal' members of the SWA shuddered at the idea of considering either Captain being 'normal', "Then they would continue on, go out on a few dates, go steady, and inevitably one of them…" there was a distinct pause in this 'explanation' as she coughed something that sounded almost like 'SoiFong' before continuing, "would ask the other to marry them, and then they'd go on to live happily ever after with mutant dog-ninja babies…" she said the rest with a rather blasé fair attitude as she snatched the binoculars back and went back to 'spying'.
"COOL!" of course the child of the group would have huge watery eyes at the idea of mutant dog-ninja babies, luckily for them they couldn't see into Yachiru's head to REEAALLY see what she was thinking of.
"Ano…" Isane's voice came out meekly, "Is it disturbing to anyone else how eerily calm that came out?"
"Very," was Byakuya's only input on this bizarre situation that just took another turn for the insane.
"Interesting," Nemu, being oblivious to some of the stricken looks of her comrades, was actually taking this information to heart, "Could they actually reproduce?" here she was considering the mountains and mountains of information her databanks had on genetic cross breeding to see if this was indeed possible…
"OH MY GOD!"
That was until Matsumoto's rather startled shout attracted all their attention. Cumulative eyebrows rose at the absolutely horrified and stricken look on the busty blonde's face.
"It would be absolutely horrible!" said busty blonde was gripping her hands in front of her world renowned assets with absolute fear on her face. Eyebrows rose higher.
"Matsumoto-san, are you okay?" Nanao managed to pull herself away from spying long enough to give the woman a stern look of confusion and worry.
"Boobies?" Yachiru reached out as if to poke the woman, requiring Byakuya to move closer to the stricken woman, despite his desire not to, but no one says 'no' to Kusajishi Yachiru. This action caused the blonde to round on the person closest to her, Byakuya, with Yachiru on his shoulders, grab him by his Haori and shake him vigorously.
"Don't you know what this would mean!" was there a twitch in her left eye?
"No, but if you don't unhand me-" sadly no woman in the room was listening to the man- er, woman-handled captain.
"It would mean they would have kids!" Matsumoto may or may not have semi-shouted in the Kuchiki lord's face, while Yachiru just stared at her questionably.
"Ne, wouldn't that be a good thing though, Boobies?" the small child obviously not getting what the robust blonde was alluding to. A pink bubblegum brow rose, "Or would you not want them to have mini-SoiSoi and Puppies?"
"Eh," for a moment Matsumoto just stared at the bubblegum haired girl on the captain she was woman-handling's shoulders, "What, no! I'm sure they'd be freakin' adorable, no matter what, be it some ultra-manly badass werewolf assassin, or a super-moe tiny, deadly, girl with dog ears and a tail…"
Nanao and Isane just nodded their heads, agreeing to these two possible descriptions of potential SoiFong/Komamura love children, while Nemu tried processing the images in her mind. The android woman was left wondering where such absurdness came from seeing as clearly, looking at a genetic stand point the offspring would look like…
"BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" the frantic blonde was shaking the poor, poor Kuchiki lord again, while the other members took a necessary step back from the scene. Her grip tightened on the captain's haori as he tried vainly to get his bearings back, as her grey eyes met pink ones, "It MEANS that in order for those adorable little hellions to come into this world…" comment left open ended for dramatic effect.
"Oh great merciful Kami…" Now Isane joined in the horrified and stricken look that Matsumoto had.
"What? What!?" Nanao now looked between the light haired lieutenant and the blonde, one crucial piece of information missing.
"Exactly!" Matsumoto released one hand from the slowly gaining back his senses Kuchiki, to point at the lone medical professional in their midst. Nemu didn't really count since her division was more on 'science' then actually helping people, "That would mean… for NINE MONTHS," pause for eye twitching, "We would have to deal with a pregnant SoiFong…"
An audible scream was let loose from Yachiru before she looked at the buxom blonde confused, "Wait I don't get it, why is that scary?"
"Hush," Byakuya managed to disentangle himself from the blonde lieutenant, and saving them all the quires of a questioning child, grabbed Yachiru off his shoulders and held her in his arms, with one hand tightly over her mouth, "This is not for small children," muffled discontent was his response.
"It's scary, oh so scary…" was Matsumoto's only response to the child-president of the SWA's question.
"Wait… why is that so bad?" Nanao pushed up her glasses trying to figure this whole drama out. Sure, pregnant woman weren't that great to be around but who were they to say anything about… well, it was SoiFong.
"Don't you understand," Isane rounded on Nanao, absolute fear in the medical shinigami's eyes, "Its SoiFong, she kills things on a daily basis!" there may or may not have been a small whine in her voice, "Ever seen her on a bad day?"
"She has 'good' ones?" was Nanao's offhand comment as she adjusted her glasses.
"She's hard enough to get along with… with all that underlying threat of a swift merciless death… on her 'good' days," This of course coming from Byakuya, seeing as he was the only one with more than monthly regular contact with the woman. The irony of his statement seemed completely lost to them all.
"Yes, now imagine her on her 'bad' day," the blonde seemed it appropriate to reinstate herself into the conversation with her unquestionable fear. When all around nodded at having the idea in their head, along with fearful looks on their faces, she continued, "Now imagine that going on for nine months, NINE MONTHS!"
If they were anything other than death gods, it would be safe to assume, by the terror stricken looks on their faces, even Byakuya, they would be cowering in the corner right now.
Isane squeaked as she held up her arms in fear, "And what's worse," all eyes turned towards her, "That's not even counting the mood swings…" There was definitely an audible scream after that statement, but whoever did it, none of them cared to recall…
The SWA had a new mission, prevent SoiFong from getting pregnant… or have Nemu figure out a sedative that wouldn't affect a developing fetus and keep the mother knocked out for the entire pregnancy.
Somewhere in the deep dark underground of Twelfth Division…
"KAMI BE DAMNED!"
There it was again, only this time with a resounding feel of fear and anticipation. This devious plot, that he had no part in, was spreading like wild fire, haunting and horrifying all that came into contact with it. Infecting them with a devious idea and intentions he had no say in!
"BLAST YOU ALL TO HELL!" Mayuri, the evil mad scientist of Soul Society that he was, cursing the greater beings, if there were any, for his lack of play in this insidious plot that he knew was happening with none of his intervention, "THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY! HELL YOU HEAR ME!"
After continued mutterings and ravings he went back to the task at hand, "Damnit Nemu, where are you…" and he continued to skulk about his laboratory, "Should have installed a homing beacon when I had the chance…"
Center Tower, Bottom Section…
"Think we should tell them?"
"No, I don't' think we should," came the soft, motherly, voice of Unohana Retsu as she spied, not the couple in the courtyard, like everyone else, but the Shinigami present and 'spying' in the two towers across the courtyard from them.
"Hmp," Zaraki Kenpachi grunted, he didn't see the point in this 'spying' business, sure it was amusing watching the fight, the two were good at what they did, even if it was just a show, but the rest… "Hrm…" he shifted his large form, sitting down on the ground and rubbing the back of his neck, "Wat's the point in all this anyway?" his pinprick eyes turned to his co-conspirator, "Ain't nothing gonna be gained by watchin' anyway…"
Unohana's perpetual smile seemed to spread just the smallest bit, "Sometimes it's interesting to see what people do about something 'new'," she lowered her binoculars, noticing that both the SWA and SMA were going into motion, each having some obvious plan to do something involving the 'couple' in the middle of the courtyard, and if the older-then-she-looks woman didn't know any better, she could feel the Captain-commander and her kohai traveling in the same general direction… this certainly seemed to be turning into something 'amusing'.
"Keh," Kenpachi smirked wickedly, "Woman, you got that look about you…"
"I do not know what you speak of…" although her voice was low and polite, Kenpachi could hear the gloating in it, along with the way she flashed her perpetual smile. The woman could certainly be menacing if she truly wanted to be.
"Ya whatever," he shrugged his broad shoulders, acting like he didn't notice the older woman eyeing him curiously, "Still think we should just tell 'em…"
That smile seemed to smirk in amusement, "And why ruin it for everyone?" her eyes closed making the smile more disarming, "especially for them?" she eyed him as he shot her a rather punkish look, glaring with just a hint of a pout, "You know it's the only way they can get away…"
The giant of a man huffed, "Tch, still don't get it…" he looked at the 'couple' still sitting comfortably in the courtyard, "Why the charade," he looked back at the medical Shinigami, "and why now this?"
At his question even Unohana had to take a pause to ponder the answer, "Perhaps they thought it was time to 'change things up'," she quirked a well trimmed brow as the larger man tilted his head, not getting it, "After all, how long has this been going on?" she asked as she went back to 'spying'.
"Good question," Zaraki stared at space for a moment, "I dun' remember…"
"Ne, Myou-chan~?" a decidedly far more girly-then-it-should-be voice came out of 'SoiFong's' mouth as she lounged openly on 'Komamura's' lap. She quirked one eye open to catch his nod, a slight tint to her eyes, "What 'cha think they're doing right now?"
'Komamura' shrugged his large shoulders, looking to the sky above them as he leaned back on his paw-like hands, just enjoying the moment before the possible mayhem.
'SoiFong' snorted, "Really? You're gonna act that way?" the 'captain-konoichi' crossed her arms, looking away from the giant-in-dog-form, "And here I thought this plan was working out great…" she openly pouted, not caring that she was letting a bit too much of 'herself' out in the action.
A shadow loomed over 'SoiFong' as 'Komamura' leaned forward again, his nose coming within an inch of hers. The Konoichi blushed openly, startled by the sudden closeness, words trying to form on her lips but never quite making their way out. The large dog-man's maw seemed to smile gently, and a tad bit smugly, as he trailed a clawed finger along the side of her face, absentmindedly pushing stray strands out of the way.
The konoichi gulped, noticing the miniscule distance between them diminishing, a few lingering thoughts running through her mind before her eyes started to slowly close, giving in to the moment… because honestly, when was the next time she was going to get to do this in 'SoiFong's' body?
"STOP RIGHT THERE!"
Both golden dog eyes and dark narrow eyes turned towards the perpetrator, 'Komamura' looking questionable, while 'SoiFong' looked decidedly like she was going to kill someone.
It was Matsumoto, the buxom blonde charging ahead with the SWA and Byakuya trailing behind her like the zombie-corpse of Aizen was at their heels.
"Umm…" a black brow rose on the konoichi, "What the hell is going on?"
'Komamura' only shook his head, just as flabbergasted as the smaller woman in his arms.
"WE, THE SWA WILL STOP THIS TRAVESTY HERE!" Now Matsumoto was standing all of 3 feet from the 'couple', pointing openly at them and looking like she was attempting some form of glare but an odd level of fear was flowing behind her eyes that seemed to just snuff out the effect.
'SoiFong' narrowed her dark eyes on the buxom woman as the remainder of the SWA and Byakuya rallied behind her, the petite woman leaned up on her arms, supporting her upper half off of 'Komamura's' lap, "Travesty? What travesty are you talking about?" she certainly had her master's way of 'killing them with a glance' look down pat if the amount of cringing and hiding behind big-boobs was any indication.
'Komamura' just glared at them, his exposed back hair ruffling as it stood on end, any moment and he might just start growling from the intruder's presence into their little play here.
Before Matsumoto got a chance to extrapolate…
"OI WOMAN! BE SILENT!"
Various pairs of eyes turned to the blinding ping! Of Ikkaku's shiny head, as he lead the shades-wearing and far cooler looking then normal SMA plus Yumichika towards the gathering crowd. The bald thug master pointed with his sheathed sword at the obvious perpetrator here, "We, the SMA are here to thwart your devious plans of… uh…" he faltered a moment.
"With-holding this potential union which will develop the most manly and deadly of fighters?" Yumichika said very blaze in the silence Ikkaku left open. Now, while he wasn't into the whole 'thug' look, he was Still a man, and had to support the manly thing… even if it meant he was the only one being articulate.
"Yea what Yumi said!" Ikkaku adjusted his shades, trying to maintain his manliness.
There was an echoing cry of, "YEA! WHAT THE FAIRY SAID!"
"Charmed…" the feather-eyed man merely examined his nails to see if there was any dirt on them.
"Buttout cueball!" It was actually rather funny from 'SoiFong's' perspective, watching as the buxom blonde literally body chucked the bald fighter with nothing but her boobs. Then they turned back to the 'couple', pointing rather sternly at the 'Captain-Konoichi', "Look, we're doing this for your own good," there was a cough behind her that sounded distinctly like 'bullshit!'. The blonde's grey eye twitched, "… and the safety… or sanity…" that part she said lower, more to herself, but was followed by a 'Hallelujah' from the lavender haired woman behind Matsumoto, "Of Soul Society!"
Both giant and konoichi looked confused.
"Urah!" Ikkaku seemed to jump up from the floor with new vigor and shoved the monstrous-boobs out of the way, pointing the sheath of his sword at the two sitting on the ground, "Over my dead body!" he gave that creepy grin he got whenever a good bloody fight was happening, "I'll support you two no matter what you do, but make it snappy with the whelp, Taichou needs a REAL man to fight…" the somewhat lecherous AND murderous look he threw the 'couple' was frightening.
'SoiFong' leaned back, slightly curling into 'Komamura's' fur feeling a sudden urge to fly away from here. 'Komamura' on the other hand had a different idea; this freak was creeping out his woman, like hell! The silent-giant-in-dog-man's-form wrapped his large arms tighter around the smaller woman, releasing a low growl from the base of his throat.
"Uh…" no matter the 'team' neither were used to seeing the almost murderous look in 'Komamura's' eyes, and therefore took a step back.
"My, my, it seems this farce has played out far enough," at the gentle sound of Fourth Squad's Captain, Unohana, all eyes turned to the side unanimously, watching as the polite woman stepped out elegantly onto the field from seemingly nowhere.
What stepped out behind her was anything but…
"Oi Woman," Kenpachi roguishly scratched under his chin as he stepped behind the medical captain, "Thought you didn't want to interfere…" his sole visible eye glanced down to her, looking almost casual.
She gave that smile, and everyone present; Couple, SWA, SMA, Byakuya and Yumichika shivered, "It seemed to be getting serious, no need for them to waste their energy on fakes…"
Despite the 'chill' Unohana's 'smile' produced, the gathered crowd screamed unanimously before turning towards the 'couple'.
"Uh," 'SoiFong' mumbled, looking around skittishly, "Now why would I Notbe the 'real' SoiFong?" the fact that she used air quotes seemed to prove the Fourth Squad Captain's statement.
'Komamura' rolled his golden eyes.
"Waaaaaaaiiiittt!" Matsumoto looked skeptically, pointing between the two, "If you two aren't the 'real' SoiFong-Taichou and Komamura-Taichou-"
Ikkaku took a menacing step forward, "Then where the hell are they!"
"Eep!" The Konoichi-captain-imposter nuzzled further into her giant, "Jeez, what the hell? Just because we're not the 'real' them doesn't mean you gotta be all creepy about it!"
Ikkaku glared, taking another step forward, followed by the equally menacing Matsumoto who had her hands on her hips; both leaning down and glaring at the 'little' woman.
'Komamura' didn't like that, and openly growled, making the hair on his back stand on end.
Not used to the dog-captain, even a doppelgänger of him, acting so vicious, all parties shrieked like little girls and hid behind Unohana.
Voiced so eloquently by Kenpachi, "Psh, pansies…" the one-eyed giant looked behind the woman at the sissy crowd, well except Byakuya, he was standing off to the side and looking rather posh and bored, "Oi, if y'all weren't so frickin' scared and stupid, you could easily find 'em by sensing 'em out," again he scratched himself looking rather bored with the whole affair, "Why the hell ya think they was fighting in the first place?"
The group collectively looked at each other, confused more by hearing coherent, not-involving-killing, words from Eleventh Squad's Captain than anything else…
With a grunt, the behemoth Captain rolled his eye, "To mask their reitsu…"
"Oooh!" was yelled collectively.
Unohana laughed demurely behind her sleeve.
The 'couple' just sighed openly, 'Soifong' stating her opinion about the entire affair quite plainly, "Idiots."
"Waaaiiiit…" Nanao's analytical voice posed so questioningly, "If they're here to distract us by masking the 'real' SoiFong-Taichou and Komamura-Taichou's Raitsu..."
"Then…" Isane added, a thought running through the tall woman's mind causing her to look stricken…
"What?!" a certain bubblegum haired midget screamed, "What's it all mean!"
"It means," Byakuya spoke coolly as he put a hand over Yachiru's mouth, it really hurt when she screamed in his ear, how did Kenpachi deal with it 24/7? "They want some 'alone' time…" Kuchiki did not smirk, therefore Byakuya Kuchiki was most definitely NOT smirking smugly as he let the rest of his statement drop, "Together, away from the prying eyes of everyone else…" undoubtedly, inside the man's mind, he was sitting back, drinking a maitai and waiting in rapt anticipation for the ensuing chaos…
"Oh HELL NO!" Matsumoto yelled.
"URAH! A win for us!" Ikkaku pumped his fist in supposed triumph…
… Until he was elbow dropped by the buxom blonde, "Over my dead body!" and the woman ran off, the SWA staring for all of 5 seconds before running after the woman.
Ikkaku pulled his head up out of the dirt, pointing after the rampaging woman, "After her! We have to maintain the honor of the SMA!" there was a cheer as the other members of the SMA ran after the SWA, only Yumichika stopping to help pull Ikkaku out of the crater he was in.
"Hmp, idiots," Kenpachi crossed his arms, looking bored as the rest ran off.
"Indeed," Byakuya agreed, hand still clasped over Yachiru's mouth.
The two men looked at each other, sharing a bored look.
"I'm surprised you stayed behind, Kuchiki-Taichou," Unohana's lilting voice broke the two from their staring contest as she stepped between them, "I would have thought you would follow the rest?"
Kuchiki don't roll their eyes or snort so it was hard to discern the indignant look on his face, "I'm more curious about the 'imposters'," the mighty lord said flatly, not caring about the struggling super-powered-child in his arms.
"Tch…" 'SoiFong' set about slouching and looking exceedingly miffed, "It's not like it's that 'ohmigawd!' of a secret," her slightly pinkish black eyes stared at the noble, "What else could produce the same reitsu as their wielder?"
Byakuya stared at the speaking woman, no discernible emotion on his face, in fact if it wasn't for the wiggling brat in his arms it would almost seem as if he were a statue, "You said 'Wielder', so obviously you are their swords…"
'SoiFong' clapped flatly, "Bravo for the pretty boy…"
Byakuya's eyes narrowed just the slightest, perhaps irritation? "That was obvious, the real question is how you both," he nodded ever so slightly to 'Komamura' behind the smaller woman, "are in physical form and how you look exactly like your… 'owners'?"
The black haired Konoichi-look-alike just narrowed her eyes and stared at him queerly, like his answer was obvious, "Uhh… Ninpo… duh?"
One of those thin well-maintained Kuchiki brows quirked, "That is not plausible…"
The spunky SoiFong look-a-like just rolled her eyes, "take it or leave it, that's the only answer I can give ya," she leaned back in the fake Komamura's lap, enjoying its space just a little bit more.
The giant dog-man imposter just seemed to grin, leaning down and engulfing the fake-Konoichi in what was probably a bear hug… or something.
The false-SoiFong smiled wide and cheekily, the two male captains suppressed a shutter, it didn't look natural, "Suppose you're right Myou-chan… hehehe," That didn't sound good, "She's gonna be piiiiiiisssssed…"
Those sharp Kuchiki eyes narrowed just the slightest, "who?"
A black brow rose on the diminutive imposter as she leaned up just enough to look at the sixth squad captain, "Uh… who else?" the grin she gave did not deserve to be on Captain SoiFong's face… or any captain's really.
When it finally sunk in just who she meant everyone gulped…
… Except Unohana, she just smiled.
Somewhere secluded in the woods of Rukongai…
Gazing up at the sky, Komamura smirked lightly to himself enjoying the afternoon sunlight as they walked along at a leisurely pace.
"What are you thinking about" Anyone else would assume by the tone of voice the smaller woman was angry about something, but Komamura had known her long enough to know she was simply angry all the time.
That didn't stop the puppy smirk rising on his maw at her question, "just thinking…"
"About?" even though he wasn't looking at her he could tell by the slight shift in her voice she was genuinely curious. The large dog man glanced down, his gold eyes meeting her dark ones and saw that thin black brow rise as her thin eyes narrowed, "What?"
The dog-man just couldn't stop smiling, something about her being nervous about the unknown was always so cute to him, "Just curious…" the way her brows furrowed made it seem like she'd asked already and he'd better damn well answer quickly or else. The large anthro-canine chuckled, "about what you think about 'him'?"
It was funny watching the slight blush creep across the konoichi's face as she turned away with one hand clinched, "I-I don't know what you're talking about…"
The dog-captain kept his grin up, leaning down slightly into the small woman's space, "I'm trying to figure out why you like him so much," it was cute watching the small normally-so-threatening woman squirm.
SoiFong coughed into her hand, orientating herself and tugging her other hand, "The same could be said of you," she halted, causing the large red dog to stop with her as she looked up at him with sharp eyes, "Why you are so interested in her?"
Komamura could only grin as she faced him, even if he was the one leaning down to her level, "I can think of several reasons…"
Dark eyes rolled as the Captain-Konoichi felt a tug on her hand and turned to keep walking.
Komamura's shoulders slumped slightly, having been beaten out by Goro wanting to run around, but that wasn't going to stop him from teasing the smaller woman, "I think it's because you like the way he sings!" and just to accent his point he howled.
SoiFong froze about two steps from the large dog man, partly because the sudden howling startled her and because Goro joined him. Clinching her teeth and releasing angry reitsu the Konoichi-Captain turned on the Dog-Captain, "Komamura!"
"And I think you also like that he's such a hottie!" the large dog-man thankfully had stopped howling, inciting the shiba-inu she was walking to as well, only to lean in close invading her personal space yet again and almost nuzzle her side while blinking his eyes adorably.
SoiFong had to blink, swallow hard, and resist the puppy-look.
The red dog-man had a sparkle in his eye like he had her just where he wanted her, "and I think he likes that you're such an amazing Captain," his muzzle came within an inch of her cheek and SoiFong had to murder the blush wanting to rise, "And have so much more to offer," he gave a light chuckle noticing the softening in her eyes, "Makes me wonder why you waste all your time with me?"
With the mix of his honest eyes, kind words, and sappy attempts at complimenting SoiFong's face was officially an interesting shade of pink. The dark haired captain had to turn away, embarrassed by his… being him! She shook her head, paying attention to the leash in her hand, "Must be something you don't see…"
Komamura smirked, loving the look on her face and knowing exactly what she meant.
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"
Instead of freezing like their counterparts, the legit captains entered a back-to-back fighting stance each, completely ignoring that SoiFong dropped the leash and Goro ran off behind a tree.
"Uhh…" Matsumoto and the SWA halted in their tracks, stunned by the fierce reitsu burning from both captains in their battle-ready stances… not to mention the mild flirting they'd walked in on, "Guess you're the real SoiFong-Taichou and Komamura-Taichou…?"
SoiFong's thin eyes narrowed on the buxom blonde, "What about it?" the mild death-threat laced into the tiny words made the entire SWA present gulp.
Next to the angry Konoichi, Komamura just smirked, "Now, SoiFong…"
She definitely growled at him, "Don't 'now, SoiFong' me, Komamura…"
Isane leaned in towards Matsumoto, "Anyone else notice they're not using honorifics?"
"Unusual familiarity?" Nanao hiked up her glasses, popping out from behind the buxom blonde, "And arguing like a married couple?"
Matsumoto twitched, "Oh no! We may be too late!"
The woman's sudden shout caught both captain's attention, thin black brow and funny dog-brow both rose in confusion.
Luckily this was also followed by the 'normal' response of SoiFong raising her hands up to about chest level and cracking her knuckles. She didn't like people in her private affairs, let alone 'guessing' about them too…
Thankfully whatever retort Komamura had for quieting the woman down from homicidal rage was cut off as a shiny bald head suddenly arrived with a loud 'ping!'
"BACK OFF WOMAN!"
The SMA arrived with the ping! Of Ikakku's bald head and various black shades. The 'leader' himself had his sword out in its scabbard and pointing directly at Matsumoto, keeping his distance in the hopes of not getting body-chucked like last time.
The SWA members present just stared at the shirtless men with wide eyes while the two captains just stared with similar looks of 'What the fuck is going on?'…
Ikakku frowned, still pointing his sword more at the 'leader' of the SWA,"Oi, woman, back off this time!"
Matsumoto stopped being surprised, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at the baldy, "Please, you don't know what you're doing…"
"Che, dunno what I'm doing?" the baldy put his sword on his shoulder, taking on a more aggressive look, "I know exactly what I'm doing," he nudged his jaw over to the two staring captains, "Getting my captain an excellent fighter-"
"You IDIOT!" Matsumoto had him by the collar of his shirt hanging off his shoulders and practically strangling the third seat, "Do. You. Have. ANY! Idea what THAT requires!" at some point during the debate one of the lieutenants hand let go and pointed at the short Konoichi.
Captain SoiFong was not amused, glaring dark eyes flatly at the 'accusing' finger, causing the 'lower' members of the SWA and SMA to collectively cower behind their arguing 'leaders'.
There was a squeal somewhere that registered to the two 'arguing', as one Ikakku and Matsumoto turned to see one pissed off looking Konoichi.
"Komamura," the short woman spoke out in a low voice.
"Of course, SoiFong," the large canine-captain spoke all too cheerily as he stepped behind the woman holding out a hand. Before any of the lower seats thought to even ask what was going on SoiFong had shrugged off her modified Haori and the large dog-captain had simply grabbed it, folded it over his arm and sidestepped to the side completely out of the way of the tiny woman.
The collective Shinigami gender associations had the time to go "Er?" before SoiFong raised her arms, cracked her knuckles with a smirk as an explosion of white reitsu enveloped her body focusing around her shoulders and back.
There was quite a bit of whimpering as the 'intruders' were suddenly face-to-face with a shunko powered up SoiFong.
"I'm going to ask this once," the woman's glowing eyes zeroed in on the intruders, "What the hell are you all doing here?"
"Um," was the collective response.
Those glowing eyes narrowed slightly as her reitsu flared.
"THIS IS FOR THE SANITY OF SOUL SOCIETY-"
"THIS IS TO MAKE SURE CAPTAIN'S GOT A GREAT FIGHT-"
"ALRIGHT WE'RE HERE TO STOP YOU FROM GETTING-"
"BY MAKING SURE YOU GET-"
The ranting ended with both Ikakku and Matsumoto screaming.
The result was instantaneous, SoiFong's Shunko collapsed as the tiny woman just stared at them. In the ensuing silence she managed to blink twice still not fully registering what they either had just said, "… wha-?"
Komamura was little better than her, just holding her Haori and blinking his gold eyes, but of the two he was somewhat more coherent at the moment, "I'm sorry, why would either of you be concerned if…" he turned to look at the shorter woman who he noticed had developed a twitch in her left eye. He shrugged when she glanced his way before turning back to the others, "… how did either of you jump to such…" glance, "conclusions?"
"Uh…" there was much blushing, sputtering and embarrassed glances.
That was halted quickly by a burst of angry reitsu from the short woman next to the dog captain.
Isane was the first to crack, screaming out, "We saw you two fighting-!"
Then it was just downhill from there as everyone just started screaming at once.
"We thought it was great-!" Renji…
"Then the fight was over-" Hisagi…
"You got all nuzzly-" Nanao…
"There've been rumors about-" Iba…
"You guys were together-" Kira…
"It was so sudden-" Yumichika…
"-didn't get it-" Nemu…
"Worried about you-" Isane…
"Just the IDEA of you guys together-" Matsumoto…
"-those moves were HOT-" Renji…
"-thinking about them together-" Nanao…
"That fight would be AWESOME!" Ikkaku…
"-would drive us all INSANE!" Matsumoto…
"SCARY!" someone screamed but in the jumble of screams it was hard to tell…
"SHUT UP!" a certain mini-Konoichi screamed with a burst of Shunko.
SoiFong was rubbing her eyes feeling the beginnings of a severe headache coming on. She took a deep breath, held it, then released it a second later along with her modified reitsu. Komamura absently put his hand on the smaller woman's shoulder once the reitsu was gone while maintaining a flat glare on the collective lower shinigami.
"I'm going to strangle her," the black haired woman growled.
"I know," the red dog nodded.
"I'm serious," she continued, "This time I'm seriously going to kill her…"
The large paw-like hand on the small woman's shoulder patted, "You can't kill your sword."
SoiFong removed her hand from her eyes and glared at him, "I can try," those eyes narrowed further when he smirked, "You know I don't need it…"
"You say that," he let go of her shoulder when she continued the flat glare.
There was some mumbling from the lieutenants and the captains caught more than one gesture from them pointing between them. SoiFong continued to glare with her arms crossed while Komamura scratched the top of his ear.
All eyes turned to see a small tan shiba-inu growling from behind a tree. It had a beat-up red collar with a forgotten lead attached as the small dog's hair was on end and his lips raised showing his teeth, black eyes pointed directly at the 'intruders'.
"Goro!" all eyes turned to the konoichi as she called to the dog with a higher voice then probably any of them had heard. The shiba-inu stopped growling immediately, ears perked as he turned to the small woman wagging his fluffy curled tail. The black haired woman held out her hand and the dog ran immediately to her, whining as she crouched down to pet him and reassure him that nothing was going on.
The SWA and SMA just stared, not a one of them EVER seeing the scary woman look so… 'nice'.
Gold eyes looked over the two, then turned on the crowd, noticing their completely confused looks, "Every month I get away in these woods," the large red dog just grinned, scratching behind his ear, "SoiFong-Taichou… 'helps' me get away during these trips," a shrug, "without anyone noticing…"
The short woman scratched the puppy's head before standing up and glaring at the crowd, "Seeing as you are all here," she crossed her arms narrowing her eyes, "despite whatever 'bizarre' reason," there may or may not have been a growl in the short woman's voice, "it seems my sword screwed up…"
There was group flinching and gulping. Matsumoto blinked before pointing, "Wait, THAT'S why there were those imposters of you guys?"
Dark eyes glared flatly as if the answer was obvious.
"So, wait?" Ikakku scratched his head, "Why're you guys runnin' 'round all sneaky," his eyes narrowed skeptically between the dog-captain and konoichi-captain, "… together?"
SoiFong ust kept glaring flatly at the crowd, while Komamura chuckled, "Well, since SoiFong-Taichou was helping me," he shrugged glancing at the shorter woman, "I offered to let her come with me on these trips…"
The woman's dark eyes looked at him, then she gave a mild shrug, "… a small vacation."
"Wait!" Nanao burst out from the back of the crowd, "Are you saying you both use your swords as imposters to take over your job so can sneak away!" her brow was twitching in that specific way reserved for when her captain was drinking in the middle of the workday, "TOGETHER!"
SoiFong and Komamura gave each other this look before turning back to the crowd, him with an embarrassed grin and her with that flat glare, "Don't complain until you make captain," the woman said flatly walking up to Komamura as he handed her back her Haori, Goro trotting with her and sticking at her heels as she put it on ignoring the lower shinigami while Komamura smirked at her tact.
The dog captain smirked at the gathered group, "I apologize if you've come with the wrong impression, we," he glanced back at the woman who was purposely ignoring the conversation and the dog sitting at her heels, as he turned back, "Simply have just been playing hooky…"
The gathered shinigami were now the ones glaring flatly.
"So you guys run off, together," Matsumoto was pointing between them, "Just to play… hooky?"
Flat glare from the konoichi.
Ikakku was frowning, "So you ain't together?"
Komamura quirked a doggie brow, glanced back at the smaller woman as she blinked at him, then held up the lead attached to Goro as if to say 'just walking the dog'.
A grey cloud descended upon the SWA and SMA as they just stared at the two captains and puppy, "Oh…"
"Let's go," SoiFong spoke clippedly, looking solely at the dog-captain.
Gold eyes turned back and blinked at her, then he smirked, "That sounds like a good idea." The two captains and puppy turned away from the crowd of onlookers, perfectly intent to ignore the last twenty minutes and enjoy what little of their 'hooky' they had left-
Both captains stopped immediately as they all felt an immense reitsu appear on the scene. The captains knew exactly who it was. As the two turned around they spotted the Captain-Commander, staff in hand and looking as imposing as he always did…
"SoiFong~chan~" Kyouraku popped out from behind the older shinigami with that stupid grin on his face. Nanao in the crowd just face palmed while the Konichi glared flatly while gripping one of her hands in a fist.
"Ah, Komamura-Taichou!" there was a cough from the other side of Yamamato as Ukitake popped out with just as much of a weird grin as Kyouraku. Komamura just glanced at him, not as flat as SoiFong, but for him it certainly wasn't a pleasant look, Iba shivered in the crowd as a result.
Goro barked, panting and wagging his tail as everyone just glanced at him.
"Soutaichou?" the Konoichi asked, garnering a more professional look as Komamura joined her.
Yamamato raised a brow at the puppy, then looked at the two captains he had wanted to 'speak' with. He cleared his throat, tapping his staff, "Yes, second squad's captain, seventh squad's captain, I have an important mission for both of you!"
The crowd behind the Captain-Commander leaned around him and the other two captains and if they didn't know any better, the Lieutenants could have sworn they saw both Komamura and SoiFong deflated with 'goddamnit!' looks, proving to the rest of them that they really were just playing hooky to get away from the insanity that was captaincy.
A resounding Tap! From the Captain-Commander's staff drew all their attention, "It has come to my attention you both possess specific qualities," brows rose, "Qualities that would work best combined," brows rose higher, and the old man coughed while ignoring the snickering from Kyouraku and Ukitake, "Therefore for the good of soul society!" the snickering increased as the lieutenants got tense from what may come…
Tap! "SoiFong-Taichou, Komamura-Taichou!" the two straightened up instinctively, "I require the first five dog-ninjas within the year!"
In the abyss below Twelfth Division…
"DAMN YOU KAMI!" Mayuri yelled into the abyss, shaking his fists to the heavens, "DAMN YOU!"
Back in the woods around Rukongai…
Everyone seemed to fidget.
"Dog…" Matsumoto quirked her eyes.
"… Ninjas?" Nanao adjusted her glasses.
Continuing awkward silence.
"First…" Renji twitched.
"… Five?" Kira just stared wide-eyed. Hisagi was standing next to the blonde just as stunned and inept at voicing it.
"Within…" Iba's jaw was hanging.
"… the…" Yumichika just blinked again.
"… year?" Ikakku's voice was oddly high pitched.
Isane fainted at the thought.
"Is that possible?" Nemu questioned, but of course everyone just ignored what the androidesque woman said.
Somewhere in the distance there was an unholy scream, probably originating from twelfth division… not that anyone noticed.
Kyouraku and Ukitake were still giving those stupid grins of theirs from behind Yamamoto as the old man just looked at the two captains in front of him. Neither the dog-captain nor konoichi-captain had so much as moved since the… 'request' was stated. The imposing old looking shinigami frowned, "Well?"
Gold and black eyes blinked in unison.
The old man clinched his hands on his staff, frowning at the two. They fidgeted. The old captain's imposing eyes glanced to the smaller of the two, "You both will be compensated and given time off-"
"Time off?" SoiFong's brow quirked.
The old man growled, chewed his lip but nodded resolutely, "As is necessary for the…" he glanced at Komamura who looked thoroughly embarrassed, "… 'Process'…"
Both SoiFong and Komamura glanced at each other then turned to the Captain-Commander in unison before both replying, "Deal."
The ground shook with the amount of face-planting…
Goro barked, wagging his tail garnering the old shinigami's attention.
Yamamato just raised a wizen brow at the puppy before turning towards its… 'owners', "Very well," he nodded towards Kyouraku and Ukitake, "We'll leave you to your… 'job'-"
SoiFong had a smirk on her face as she looked at Komamura which he returned, then she turned back to their boss, "Time off started?"
The old man grumbled as he waved for the other two captains to pick up all the lieutenants and quickly started shunpoing out of the area, then he turned back to the diminutive konoichi, "As necessary," he growled, giving the two a pertinent look before disappearing in burst of reitsu.
And the two were alone again… with Goro.
"I don't want to hear it," SoiFong held up her hand as Komamura started smirking.
"Hear what?" He maneuvered around behind the small woman as she turned to Goro, crouched down and took off the lead.
Dark eyes glanced over her shoulder at him, narrowing when his smirk widened.
There was a poof! In front of the two and once it dissipated instead of the tan shiba-inu there was a young boy, naked aside from the red collar around his neck, with black hair and gold eyes looking at the konoichi, "Mom?"
SoiFong looked at the boy and noticed his gold eyes were wide and sparkling, "No," she said, pointing at him, "Do not use that look on me."
There was a quiver in the young boy's lip as he persisted with the puppy-eyes, "but dad does it all the tiiiiiiiime!"
There was a distinct twitch in the woman's eye as she glanced behind her at the grinning dog. He didn't say a word but she knew what he was thinking –it does NOT always work!- she turned back to the boy, ignoring the grinning dog behind her and kept her dark eyes on his gold ones. Absentmindedly she ran a hand through his similar hair with a light smile, "I want you to go to your aunt's and get your sisters…"
The little boy's eyes seem to brighten and a smile crossed his face, if he were in his dog form his ears would be perked and his tail would be wagging, "You mean…?!"
Komamura put a hand on SoiFong's shoulder, grinning as she stood up and he pulled her to his side, he turned to their son, "You heard the Captain-Commander," there was a chuckle in his voice as he looked down at his mate, she had a scowl on her face and was crossing her arms, "He wants 'dog-ninjas' in Seireitei~"
The sparkles did not leave the little boy's eyes as he looked to his mother, "Does that mean mom's gonna teach us to be cool ninjas!" he was grinning wide enough to show off his long canines, "Like Aunty Yoruichi and her?!"
SoiFong glared at the big dog man before turning a more happy look on their son, "… fine," there was some cheery scream as the boy attached himself to the Konoichi's leg, "Eh, hey… Hey!" she put her hand on his head and made him look at her, "Go get your sisters… first, then pack up, understand?" the boy nodded enthusiastically and his sheer cuteness melted some of the Konoichi's sternness. She gave a pleasant smile before hugging the boy and letting go, "Go on."
Komamura chuckled letting go of his mate and grabbed his son, picking him up and nuzzling him as he returned the gesture, "Watch out for your sisters," the boy nodded, then the large dog-man looked down at the woman who'd crossed her arms staring at them flatly, "And… take your time back," he nudged the boy as he made a gagging gesture, "Mom and dad need some time to themselves~"
The boy's gold eyes narrowed on his father, very reminiscent of his mother only with his father's eyes, "Are you going to go fight hollows?"
Komamura just smirked, "Maybe~" he set the boy down, mussing his black hair, "but you've got your job to do."
The boy gave his father a very SoiFong-like frown, staring at his father but giving a bit of a growl. He turned to his mother, she was staring at Komamura too, but glanced his way with a small smirk, nodding her head and telling him to get going. The boy snorted in a very dog-like way before turning around and running off.
Komamura snickered, while SoiFong sighed, "Goro!" the boy turned and blinked at his mother several feet away, "Transform," she said flatly as the boy blushed red before going poof! And then all there was was a shiba-inu puppy barking back at the two while wagging his tail before running in a circle and going off in the distance.
SoiFong just sighed deeply closing her eyes. Komamura put his hands on her shoulders and she leaned back against him, "This is going to be stressful…"
"Mmhmm…" a growl escaped his chest as he leaned down, sliding his arms further along her shoulders, crouching so he could set his head on her shoulder.
"There was a reason I didn't want anyone else to get involved…" it sounded like she growled in a frustrated tone.
Komamura nuzzled her, "It'll be fine…"
"I don't want them in Seireitei," she growled openly, ignoring his fluffiness… as best she could.
"Soutaichou's orders~" Komamura smirked with his eyes, wagging his tail slowly as he shook her lightly in his hold, "And they've been dying to learn mommy's special skills," he chuckled when he felt her scowl more with his whiskers, "Especially Goro," he nudged her.
"I know," she sighed, leaning further against him.
The large canine-man smiled, "Come on, it'll be fine," she grunted, "this way no more sneaking around," he could feel her frown more, "No more pretending to be all over those tough guys like Kenpachi~"
She snorted, a slight smirk, "Who says I don't like tough guys?"
He snorted, ears back, "No, you like funny guys…"
Dark eyes opened as she glanced at him with a smirk and raised brow, "Like who?"
"Me," he gave a bright smile, she could feel his tail wagging from the way he swayed in his crouching position. He turned as much as possible to look at her, "Still don't get what you see though," there was a smirking glare.
SoiFong just shrugged in his grip, ignoring the look, despite how cute it was.
Komamura chuckled, nuzzling her further knowing what was going through her mind, "I know I can't live without you," he wrapped his arms closer around her, "Now we get the chance, no ifs, ands or buts," he accented each word with a swish of his tail.
She sighed, "I know, 'Soutaichou's orders'," the Konoichi grumbled, shrugging in a way to sink herself further into his grasp, grumbling, "… at least we have a head start…" she rolled her eyes even if he couldn't see it. They both knew the Captain-Commander could be… 'eccentric' at times, but this 'order' was definitely one for the record books. Then there was the whole matter of what the hell all the lower seats were talking about and getting revenge on her sword-
Komamura chuckled, nuzzling her friskily, "Well three out of five already with no one the wiser," he nipped at her neck, "Just have to work on the 'next' one and the one after that…" there was a definitely frisky growl in his voice as his tail waved from one side to the other.
SoiFong 'tried' to ignore his advances, with about as much success as always, as a determined blush passed her cheeks, "T-that…" she breathed in deeply as his large paws started to wonder, "That's not what I meant," his paws immediately stopped and she could feel as his muzzle turned directly towards her, knowing his gold eyes would be narrowed on her. The red blush on the konoichi's face deepened as she grabbed one of his paws and moved it over her stomach.
It took Komamura a second to pick up what the konoichi was saying but as soon as it did his gold eyes went wide as his head moved along her shoulder to look 'down', both large paws reaching around her and placing them on her stomach. His tail was whipping around in circles he was so happy and a whine escaped his throat unable to form proper words to his question.
The black haired woman just sighed, reached up and patted his head, a slight smirk on his face because of how much of a puppy he was acting, "Yes," she said softly, scratching his head, "I confirmed with Unohana yesterday-"
In the next instant Komamura picked the small woman up and was spinning her around laughing.
The konoichi put a hand to her mouth, "S-Sajin! Put me down!"
"Wahahahahaaaa! Wooohooo!" the dog-man howled before stopping and drawing the smaller woman close, nuzzling her as closely as he could not even caring that she looked about to throw up from his excitement. "Mmm!" he hugged her tight nipping her neck, "Know anything yet? How many, gender…?"
"Mm-mm," SoiFong shook her head, forcing her lunch back down, remembering one of the downsides to being pregnant, easily upset stomach, "N-not yet… too early she said," she took a deep breath not caring that she was just hanging in the large dog's arms, but she did smirk at his puppy excitement, "Though if the last two are a pattern… ugh, triplets…"
"Trying to overachieve?" Komamura chuckled, nuzzling her, "But I doubt that, twins are rare enough," he nipped, "don't need to jinx yourself…"
She flicked his nose, "down," he nuzzled her one last time before setting her down. SoiFong made to move out of his grasp only for his to turn her around and kiss her on the forehead, she glared at him, "Don't we have somewhere to go?" again she turned to go and all he did was pull her back to him, wrapping her in his arms.
"We've got time~" he nuzzled her, "and we're alone…" nipped her neck, " 'Orders' to follow…"
SoiFong rolled her eyes but that did nothing to stop the blush that rose on her face all the same, "Already pregnant…"
Komamura pulled back with a devious grin, "shh… they don't know that!"
The konoichi just shook her head only to smirk at the fluffy dog-man, "Well," she ran a hand through his fur along his black rimmed ears, "Since they don't know…" she flicked his ear, making him snort at her. The woman smirked at his little glare, kissing his nose and rubbing his ears.
He gave a bit of a growl, smirking as whispered, "I'm so glad I found you," he nuzzled her again.
She shook her head, giving a rare smile as she nuzzled him back just as affectionately, "Idiot," a hand ran through his fluffy fur, "I'm the one that found you…" dark eyes opened as she looked right into his gold ones, "I just liked what I saw…"
He smirked wagging his tail, "Just liked me for me?"
The konoichi sighed, shaking her head, "Something like that…"
In the 'secret' home of Kuukaku…
There was a loud scream originating from Seireitei…
"Eh?" the gruff one-armed pyromaniac looked up, "Oi, Yoruichi, you hear something?"
"Mm?" the naked goddess of flash quirked her head, perking her human ears as much as possible, "Sounds like wrathful-god-cursing-anguish," the purple haired woman quipped before raising her sake cup to her lips and drinking.
"Oh," Kuukaku downed a bottle of her special brew, "S'what I thought it was…"
A shout grabbed the two drinking women's attention as they sat on the outdoor porch and watched a little shiba-inu get chased by two little girls that looked about four years old, one with dark red hair and the other with jet black, both having triangular dog ears and a curly tail behind them. They managed to tackle their older brother and caused a bit of a rumble.
"Hey… HEY!" Yoruichi called out, watching as the dust settled and the two girls' were sitting on top of a naked boy with black hair, "What did I teach you two!"
"Kick him while he's down!" the red headed twin stuck her foot in her older brother's face, the two grinning and showing off their inhuman canines.
"That's my girls!" the cat woman grinned widely taking another drink.
"Oi, brat," Kuukaku shouted waving around her sake bottle, "You just gonna let your little sisters kick your ass like that!"
Goro just whined, when were his parents getting back…
Hey Leonardo! (She likes Me for Me) (Blessid Union of Souls)
she dont care about my car,
and she dont care about my money,
and thats real good cuz i dont got a lot to spend,
but if i did it would mean nothing.
She likes me for me,
not because i look like tyson bedford,
with the charm of robert redford,
oozing out my ears,
what she sees,
are my most rending decisions,
my insecure conditions,
and the tears upon the pillow that i shed.
she don't care about my big screen,
or my collection of dvds,
things like that just never mattered much to her,
plus she don't watch too much tv.
she dont care that i could fly her,
to places she aint never been,
if she really wants to go,
i think deep down she knows that,
all she has to say is when.
she likes me for me,
not because i hang with leonardo,
or that guy who played in fargo,
i think his name was steve.
shes the one for me,
and i just cant live without her,
my arms belong around her,
and im so glad i found her once again,
and im so glad i found her once again,
yeah im so glad i found her once again.
gazing at the ceiling,
as we entertain our feelings in the dark,
things that we're afraid of,
are gonna show us what we're made of in the end.
she likes me for me,
not because i sing like pavarotti,
or because im such a hottie.(sigh)
i like her for her,
not because shes phat like cindy crawford,
she has got so much to offer,
why does she waste all her time with me?
there must be something there that i don't see,
i don't see.
she likes me for me,
not because im tough like dirty harry,
make her laugh just like jim carrey,
im like the cable guy,
but what she sees,
is that i cant live with out her,
my arms belong arround her,
and im so glad i found her once again,
i found her once again,
yeah im so glad i found her once again.
A/N: yea... that... -snickers- my mind... a very, very... VERY! dangerous place to be... XD
this stared at more of a reversal of what i normally do with these song-fics, a nice little cozy one-shot of an instance that follows along the song of sorts and shows something we, the audience, don't see... THIS was more of a... well... what happens when PEOPLE in general find out ANYTHING about someone considered 'mysterious' they MUST know more... and letting the mind wonder is a dangerous dangerous thing :3 like shipping... or the B-side of 'The Difference'... miscommunication and imagination is a bad mix, throw in MORE PEOPLE and you have MORE ideas and MORE miscommunication and insanity ensues XD this kinda tumbled down that path... took a left turn off a cliff and kept on driving XD half the reason this blew up so much is because it started effectively making fun of itself XD
yea, i can't take any of this seriously at this point, even if it did try to find the road a bit back at the end and reach back to fluffy :P
eh, i'm following lego-genetics, sue me :P that's one of the points where it started making fun of itself, hehehe...
and i even made a joke towards 'Kitty Crack', damn Yamamato and his 'crazy' requests XD DOG-NINJAS! suppose that's one of the things that TAKING-FOR-EVER to write kinda helped with... XD
eh, you all read enough, have fun and laugh! :3
Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!