I can feel my legs sweating, and I try my hardest to keep from touching my outer calf to his.
This back seat is crowded, but I like it this way, when Edward sits back here beside me. I can touch him here.
Brown eyes catch mine in the rear view mirror as Jake looks back to me. I love his eyes. His thick, lush, charcoal lashes make such a beautiful border.
As Jake puts the car in park, bass vibrates through the seat, into my back, and I'm aware that the cotton shirt I'm wearing is damp now.
The passenger side door opens and Jasper gets back into the car, and once again, we're moving.
I watch from the backseat as Jasper passes Jake some money and we pull out of the parking garage.
Beside me, Edward starts mouthing the lyrics to the song playing, and I steal a glance at his lips. Those lips, that felt so good.
I squeeze my legs together as the guilt stings inside. I should feel bad.
I don't even feel awkward around the two of them, together, anymore though. It's all become so routine. To hide these feelings and steal whatever I can, behind closed doors, away from any chance of exposure.
It's become easy to live this lie.
Edward makes it easy...to lie to him everyday.
Even though I say to myself that it's Edward that makes this lie that I'm living so easy to accept, deep down I know there's more.
The contempt that I feel for Jake weighs heavily on my actions.
I often feel hatred for the pain, embarrassment and confusion he's caused me to feel. Scorn for knowing what he's been doing isn't right but justifying it in my head as proof that he loves me instead.
Because, If I could make Jake that angry, he has to love me, right?
After all, when my father got that angry with my mother, it was only because he loved her so much, right? That's been the way I've looked at it anyway.
To know that Jake loved me just as much as I loved him, was all I needed to keep my mouth closed. To cover the bruises. To forgive him.
To take him back.
Again and again.
This story started on a late night of March 2011, with one small excerpt out of the middle, and I was encouraged me to get the beginning and the end out. Thanks so much for stopping by :)