A/N: This was for the 2009 Holiday Swap over at Paradox.

Prompt: Sheldon drunk or high. His altered state leads to revelations to him about Penny and his feelings for her. A little angst is good, but humor is a must.

Ergo…

Title: The Valium Revisitation

Spoilers: Sort of spoilers for "The Bad Fish Paradigm" and "the Adhesive Duck Deficiency" (aka BOOB!)
Rating: P-13ish? For language and boobs
Warning: Not really a warning, but I'll admit, most of this was written late at night. As such, my usual rigor for spelling and grammar may be a bit shaky. Also, I know absolutely nothing about Knight Rider. I found it in a list of TV remakes on Wikipedia. No offense to any fans out there.
Word Count: 1,540
Disclaimer: I do not own: BBT, Valium, Knight Rider, or Diet Coke. I only like the first one out of these anyways.

Enjoy!


"Incoming."

Penny was straddled across Leonard's lap, just bending down to nibble his ear seductively, when Howard barged into the apartment unexpectedly.

"Dammit, Howard!" Penny groaned as she shifted off her boyfriend. This was not part of her plans for the evening at all. She had just gotten Leonard to a point where he wasn't acting completely awkward, and the outlook for the night had looked promising.

"Umm, Howard, what happened to our 'Don't come to my apartment tonight unless it's an absolute, world-threatening emergency' agreement?" Leonard asked from beside Penny on the couch.

"Yeah, about that…" While the engineer stood there wringing his hands nervously, Raj entered through the open apartment door. He was waving his arms erratically, in a way that for some reason brought Sheldon's call of "Danger! Danger!" to Penny's mind.

"We had a little complication in the plan…"

"Okay, but-" Before Leonard could continue, they heard singing coming from the staircase.

"…blow the man down! Come on, Raj, surely even you know the words. Join me!" The voice came closer until its owner appeared in the doorway.

Sheldon staggered into the room with an uncharacteristic gracelessness, stopping to lean on Raj's shoulder. "Did you know this song is magic, Raj? It makes Penny blossoms appear out of thin air!"

"Howard…" Penny's voice started out low, causing Howard, Raj, and even Leonard to recoil slightly from the impending explosion. "What – did – you – do - to - SHELDON!"

*

When the guys finally got Sheldon settled in his spot, his head lolled to one side in apparent fascination with his left hand, Howard began to explain.

"Well, we brought him to Raj's house for the evening like Leonard said to. You know, so he and you could have some 'alone' time, do you your 'thang', to-"

"I get it, Howard, go on."

"Yes ma'am. Anyways, we put in the series DVD of Knight Rider, director's commentary and started watching the first episode. Apparently something the director said was inaccurate, according to Sheldon. He kept arguing with the DVD and suddenly started into a rant of all the ways the new series was inaccurate and untrue to the original series. He wouldn't shut up so we, you know, had to take care of him." Raj leaned over. "What do you mean it wasn't your idea? You're the one who got the diet coke out of the fridge!"

Leonard groaned, "Howard, you didn't…not again…"

"Didn't what?" Penny asked him. "Leonard, what is he talking about?"

Ignoring her, Leonard continued to groan. "Why did you even have Valium at your house, Raj?"

Raj leaned over to Howard's ear again, but was swatted away. "He didn't have it. I brought it with me. After last time, I've kind of started carrying around a dose, as a sort of 'In case of Sheldon' kit."

Suddenly understanding, Penny shot up out of her seat. "Wait, you drugged him?" she screamed, pointing at Sheldon, who had moved his focus onto his right hand by now.

"We weren't going to actually give it to him, honest!" Howard held up his hands defensively. "He came out of the bathroom while Raj and I were arguing over it, and drank the Diet Coke before we could stop him." Next to him, Raj nodded vigorously.

"And you!" She quickly turned on Leonard. "What did you mean by again? You guys have done this before?"

"M-m-me? No, last time it was Howard. I mean, the only other time, I swear."

Penny turned back to Howard and Raj again, preparing to unleash another accusation, when a pull on her left hand stopped her. Looking down, she saw that in his analysis of his own hand, Penny's pointed one had caught Sheldon's attention. At the moment, he was holding her hand in his, and studying it closely.

All attention refocused on Sheldon, and they sat in silence until he spoke. "These are pretty." Measuring Penny's palm against his own, he added, "and small." Slowly his gaze traveled up the attached arm until his eyes met Penny's. "Oh, hi there, Penny." He smiled up at her. "What are you doing in my apartment?"

Penny sat down cautiously on the couch next to him. "Sheldon, sweetie, how are you feeling?"

Sheldon continued to smile dazedly. "Why, I feel fine, Penny." Suddenly his smile dropped and he looked deathly serious. "I do have something I need to tell you though."

She looked around at the other boys before answering warily, "Um, okay. What is it?"

"Come closer, it's a secret."

The whole room seemed to lean in along with Penny as she moved closer to Sheldon. Her ear was only a few inches from his lips when he whispered loudly:

"I'm Batman!"

Leonard let a single laugh escape before receiving a death glare from Penny. "Alright," she said, sitting straight, "I don't know how, but you guys are going to fix this NOW. What do you think you're doing going around drugging people, most of all Shel-AH!"

She was cut off abruptly by the presence of a hand on her chest. A quick look proved it was none other than Sheldon's. Again the room fell into shocked silence. Again Sheldon was the one to break it.

"They feel different when they're not wet. And under clothes." Penny could feel the heat rising quickly up from her neck to her face. A glance around the room showed a look of confusion on Leonard's face, and ones of awe on Howard and Raj's. All their jaws were hanging wide open. Meanwhile the drugged scientist's hand began to cup her left breast.

"Sh-sh-Sheldon, what do you think you're DO-!" His other hand shot out suddenly to cup her other breast. He began to knead them gently, as if comparing them.

"Penny, I think your right mammary gland is a fraction larger than your left. But I hear that is actual a common occurrence in women, so I doubt it's of any concern medically."

By now, the shock had worn off enough for Penny to comprehend exactly what was happening. Sheldon, her boyfriend's roommate, was feeling her up. In front of said boyfriend and friends. No matter that how drugged Sheldon was (or how good it felt), she realized she needed to put a stop to this and fast. Before someone (namely Leonard) did something stupid.

Reaching in front of her, Penny grabbed Sheldon's wrists, and gently but firmly, pushed him away. The sudden absence of his hands on her made her stomach twist in unexpected want. Once the physicist had his hands safely to himself, she stood up quickly and plastered on what she hoped was a convincing and concealing smile. "Well, I think it's about time for me to leave. Big audition tomorrow, so I better get some sleep. Goodnight, sweetie."

Her smile instantly morphed into a glare as she turned to the others. "You three, fix this please."

Leonard tried to intercept her on the way to the door. "Should I come over later then?"

"I said, FIX IT, Leonard." Penny growled, "Goodnight!" She slammed the door in her wake.

For the third time that ill-fated evening, a silence fell over apartment 4A. Three men in various states of shock and confusion; one completely oblivious as he stared at the closed door.

"She's pretty."

"Dude, what just happened?" Raj spoke up, finally released from his female-induced silence.

"She's pretty." Sheldon stood up from his spot. "I'm going to go tell her." His purposeful, and slightly wobbly journey towards the door, was cut off by an angry Leonard.

"Sheldon, what the hell?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Dude, you just got to second base with his girlfriend." Raj looked at Howard. "Exactly how much Valium did you give him?"

"Enough, apparently. That lucky bastard," muttered Howard.

Meanwhile, Sheldon was still trying to maneuver his way around Leonard, a feat that normally wouldn't have taken him so long, but was proving rather difficult in his current state.

Leonard was beginning to see red. "You felt up Penny, right in from of me! And what's with you saying it felt 'different'? Like you've done it before or something."

Silence.

"Oh my God, Sheldon! When the hell did you grope Penny's boobs before? Tell me!"

"I can't tell you…"

"Don't you dare say it's a secret."

"No, it's just none of your business."

By now, Leonard was fuming. "None of my business? Like hell it's my business! She's my girlfriend, Sheldon. MY girlfriend!"

At that moment, Sheldon stood up straight, eyes focused, and balance stable. He looked straight at Leonard, in the way one might look at the mud on their shoes. He paused a moment, and when he spoke, his voice was normal, but with a slight, unconcealed edge. "You don't deserve her."

The momentary shock was enough to allow Sheldon to glide past Leonard and out of the apartment. The boys heard him knocking, then the sounds of Penny's door opening and closing. When Sheldon did not immediately come back, Leonard slumped down with his back against the door.

"Howard?"

"Yeah?"

"I need to go to your house."

"Why?"

"To flush all your mom's Valium down the toilet."

"Yeah."

Silence…

"Dude, what the hell just happened!"

*end*