A/N: So, I kinda think that Blair's "epiphany" after kissing Dan in 4x17 that she "wanted to be with her 'epic love' Chuck yo!" was just completely ridiculous. This is kinda how I wished it had have gone instead. I warn you, it's cheesy. So, so cheesy. In fact, I think I was eating Mac and Cheese when I wrote it. I hope you like it anyway. Please review let me know what you think. At this stage this is just a one-shot, but I may turn it into a multi-chapter fic if anyone is interested. Enjoy.
It's Been Nice Not Kissing You
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
She screamed into her silky pillow for a few minutes, before closing her eyes, and rolling over. Damn Humphrey. She hated him. So very, very much. She just hated him. She wasn't secretly in love with him, she wasn't using hate to mask her inner feelings. There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate. She really just hated him, and was not opposed to killing him. Except for the fact that if she did, she would probably get blood all over her shoes…and Humphrey blood and Marc Jacobs were not a good mix.
And sure, there might have still been some little part of her that wanted to go to that disgusting loft of his, stalk through that ridiculously misplaced garage door, shove him against his bedroom wall, and ravage him right there.
And sure, that little part might be kind of big.
That didn't change the fact that swift death would be too fast for him.
Who the hell did he think he was anyway? Asking for a kiss. She was Blair Waldorf. She didn't just go around kissing the Dan Humphreys of the world, despite how sexy their voices might be.
What an idiot.
Yes, she might have been wondering what it would feel like to kiss him ever since he'd become her friend (or her savvy male minion as she liked to tell herself). However that didn't give him the right to just show up at her apartment and ask for a kiss, which had subsequently, landed her in the position she was in now.
If only he wasn't such an idiot.
If only he didn't have to go and screw everything up in true Humphrey fashion.
And if only she wasn't so stubborn.
She was far to stubborn to admit to her stubbornness however, so she stuck to insulting him, and having her naughty little thoughts in private.
That one miniscule kiss was one that stuck with her.
It was just so...simple. Just a little kiss. Something supremely awesome had happened, and she'd kissed him, like it was just the most natural thing in the world.
It was interesting. Just...just very, very interesting.
She sighed, and grabbed her bag, figuring that she might as well do her makeup and try to get out of the current state that the Idiot Dan Humphrey had put her in. She emptied the contents of her bag, and a small note, attached to a Tiffany's box caught her attention. She stared at it in confusion for a little while, before realizing what it was.
A second later she'd done a rather impressive flip backwards, and was screaming into her pillow again.
That stupid box was from him. Of course it was. She recognized his lazy handwriting in an instant.
-Blair, now you can stop bitching that nobody has ever bought you anything from Tiffany's" – Dan. Or Humphrey. Or Brooklyn. Or Cabbage Patch. Or whatever. Enjoy.
How the hell did he even get it into her bag? She was a rich upper-east-sider whom regularly ventured into Brooklyn. She wasn't prone to leaving her bag unattended. He must have had someone else do it for him. Or else he could make a good living as a stalker if the whole "uncreative writer" thing fell through. While contemplating this, she rolled over absentmindedly, and ended up falling flat on her face on the floor. Lovely. She groaned, and pulled herself up, and over to her mirror. She grimaced at the beginnings of a bruise on her cheek, and covered it up as best she could. It still showed up pretty well though. Great.
She turned away from that problem, and back towards the potentially bigger problem that was still lying on her bed. She wasn't exactly sure what to do with it. She could open it, but then again, she could throw it at his head.
But, it was a present, and her willpower was...well, powerless when confronted with a present. She always knew what she was getting for her birthday and Christmas weeks in advance, she had a lot of trouble waiting.
Besides, people should hide things better.
So she opened the box and something shiny fell onto her bed. A necklace. A gorgeous, silver necklace, made of what seemed like thousands of tiny, interlocking squares, so shiny it glinted as she held it up. She immediately fell in love.
Not with Humphrey, with the necklace.
It was very pretty, after all.
So, of course she had to put it on. And then look at herself. For a while. Because, hi, pretty! And it glinted so brightly, that your eyes didn't immediately go to the bruise. So that was another plus.
Of course she couldn't keep it. She was not about to give Humphrey the satisfaction of seeing her wear it. But still. Maybe sometimes...No!
God, why couldn't he just leave her the hell alone? Their relationship had been so much easier back when it had primarily revolved around trying to destroy one another's lives. She really did need to kill him. Or at the very least, wound him. Or kill him. Or kill him. Kill him had the majority.
"Dorota! Get James to bring the car around!"
He was staring at a bug that was walking across his wall. He had been for the last half hour, and he planned on doing it for the next half hour as well, because his dad was off being "the bestest trophy husband that the UES had to offer", Nate and Serena were probably off with their latest sexual conquests, Blair was probably somewhere throwing herself at Chuck.
And he was in his room. Watching a bug. Not dating a girl. Not even dating a bug. Watching a bug.
He at least hoped that it was a female bug.
Then he hoped that he would live through the next half hour.
Because his door slammed open, and Blair stalked in, and smacked him across his chest.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"You found the necklace." He pointed out, noticing it glinting on her neck. It looked good on her. He was glad. He'd waited a long time to give it to her; he'd bought it on a whim. He'd held onto it because it reminded him of her. All beautiful and classy.
She looked down and noticed the necklace. She'd forgotten she was even wearing it, and she pulled it off and threw it at his head. She missed. Damn.
"Why would you give that to me, Humphrey? What good did you possibly think could come out of it?"
"I thought you'd like it. It's pretty." He smiled at her weakly, and she stared at him.
"You need to leave me alone." She told him. "Now try to get this straight. There is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Just air."
A smirk danced across his lips. "Don't quote 'Singin' in the Rain' to try and get out of this. I watched it with you remember?"
She grumbled. Stupid, clever, annoying Humphrey. Idiot.
His smirk dissolved. "I haven't been able to get that kiss out of my head."
"Neither. Biggest mistake ever right?"
"You know that's not what I mean." He took one big step forward, closing the space between them. "And I don't think that's what you mean either."
She closed her eyes as tight as she could, and a tear leaked out in sheer frustration. "Humphrey...I can't do this. It's not..."
"Not what, Blair? Worth it?"
"That's not what I mean."
"What then?" He watched her, impatient, waiting.
"I don't know. I don't know why I can't do this."
"Can't or won't?"
She grumbled internally. Nicely played sir.
"Ugh. Humphrey. You can't just walk around the city demanding that people kiss you. It's dismal…even for you."
His smirk returned. "Excuse me Blair, but if my memory serves, you kissed me."
"God, Humphrey! You just..."
He looked at her face. "Hey, what happened to your cheek?" But she wasn't listening.
She remembered something. "Chuck…"
His hands clenched into fists, and his cheeks reddened. "I'll kill him." He told her, and took two steps towards the door before she called him back.
"Humphrey! Chuck didn't do that."
"Well, what happened? Do I need to have someone killed? Or 'taken care of' as you upper class individuals like to say…"
"I fell off my bed, you idiot."
He snorted, and then started some very suspicious coughing.
"Yeah sure. You fall off your bed and I'm the idiot."
She rolled her eyes then stared at him. She stared at him for a very long time. During which a huge shift in the space-time continuum must have occurred, because she smiled at him. "I like the necklace."
"The necklace. I like it. I really do. It's a good present."
"Uh...Good?" He looked at her quizzically, waiting for her next move. She waited too. She wasn't sure exactly what to do. So she walked over to where she threw the necklace, and put it back on.
She walked back to him, and looked into his eyes for a full thirty seconds. And she saw stuff. She saw that he was telling the truth. She saw that he cared about her. She saw that Humphrey was still Humphrey.
And she remembered how much she had recently come to need a little Humphrey in her life. And for the first time in a long time, everything made perfect sense. She smiled at him for a second before shaking her head.
"This is stupid." She informed him. "Kiss me."
He quirked a brow. "Excuse me?"
"Kiss me." She repeated. "I can't leave here with the knowledge that I kissed Dan Humphrey and he hasn't kissed me."
"Your logic is flawed."
"Your hair looks like something died in it."
And then he kissed her. And then they kissed again.
And a few more times before they finally stopped.
"There." She said, a little out of breath. "Now we're even."
He looked at her quizzically, trying to recover from the kiss himself. "So now what?"
"Nothing. Now that we're even we can pretend like none of this ever happened."
He gave her a small, knowing smile…not believing any part of her words. He knew deep down that she didn't believe it either, but he decided to work with her anyway. "Well, it's been nice not kissing you."
She smiled, recalling their conversation from the day before. "Let's not do it again sometime."
He smiled. She smiled. And she left.
But not for good.