My door shuts and I collapse to the floor my body is quaking and my vision is blurred by my tears. I am no longer strong. I was being brave in letting Vash go, but now I am weak. And beyond that, I am numb. Paralyzed.
Vash is gone. The love of my life is gone. Without him I feel empty and lost. There is no pain, just a numbness so consuming it makes it hard to breathe. I understand I should feel pain at my loss, but I don't. I'm just nothing, it's just nothing. My tears say I'm in pain but I can't feel it.
I blink and my tears continue to fall. I do not wipe them away. I just sit. My arms too heavy to move anyway.
I'm hopeless. Without Vash I feel nothing. I want to hate him, but I can't, I just can't. How do you hate someone who's so noble, he'd give up a home, happiness, a future, everything for his brother.
Knives, it's all his fault. He managed to take Vash away from me again. First it was to his defeat and now to his care. Knives will always come first and I must accept that. Love cannot came between brothers. Especially twin brothers.
Now, I want to hate Knives, but it's not his fault either. Vash is a loyal person. Probably had been all his life. I can't fault Knives for what Vash is. I can't hate the man who took my love away from me. I just can't.
I gasp, breathing was still a chore for me, and I fall over, hitting the floor hard. I did not even flinch on impact. My tears continue to fall, dampening my rug. I lie there for over an hour. My body tiring and slumber calling me.
I want Vash to come back. I want to call out to him. But that is impossible. I must accept this. I must accept Vash is never coming back, not this time.
I made it two years without him. I can make a lifetime.
Slowly rising, I get up off the floor and drag myself to my bedroom. There I undress and redress into my nightshirt. I climb into my bed and cover myself with my blanket and for the first time in weeks, I fall asleep alone.
END OF PT.1