Warnings: Mentions of depression and suicide (and later plans to kill a bunch of people, of course)
Summary:
The unreleased video diaries of Calvin Gabriel beginning during his freshman year in 1998 all the way to that fateful day of May 1st, 2001.

A/N: These are supposed to be "video diaries" of Calvin because I'm curious about the boy who is shown as quiet and shy until the last 15 minutes when he's taunting his victims and what exactly was the cause of that to be released.


January 7th, 1998
11:41 PM

The camera shook slightly as it was turned on and Calvin moved away from it, sitting back on his bed. The boy ran his hand through his blond hair, sighing slightly as he stared into the lens of the video camera. His blue eyes shone with the glare of the camera, but he didn't make any move to speak just yet, instead opting to continue to sit on his bed.

Calvin lightly licked his lips, glancing down at his lap. The silence of the room was ironically loud, except for the slight, natural hum of the house in the background. Looking off in a direction, Calvin tapped the palms of his hands against his thighs before turning back to the camera.

His lips parted as he moved to speak and then his brows furrowed, closing his mouth. The camera stayed still on its perch as it videotaped the teenager.

"I…" the boy finally began as he stared down towards his right leg, his voice soft and quiet. "I hate high school. Somehow I almost believed people when they say that high school is supposed to be the best years of your life." Calvin shot a wry, slightly bitter grin at the camera. "So far, I don't get it."

Calvin once again looked away from the camera and instead looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom, leaning back on his hands a bit. "Andre agrees I think, but we don't really talk about it. We're good friends but we did only meet in September so we don't really talk about things so serious—most of the time.

"I feel like I'm falling…" he continued on, eyes closing. "I don't know to where, but this feeling is familiar. I've been feeling like this for years—especially once I started middle school. It's like I'm…" Calvin sighed, seeming to be searching for the right words. "I don't know. I don't want to say I feel like I'm falling into some pit of darkness and nothing but it sort of feels that way."

Blue eyes opened and he lowered his head to once again stare into the camera lens. "I thought about killing myself the other day, but I chickened out." He glanced away, folding his hands over his lap. "But I guess that's not really true either. More like… I didn't want to just… I didn't want to just kill myself like everybody else does."

Calvin turned his eyes back to the camera. "It doesn't make sense to kill myself. It feels… meaningless." His voice was almost in a whisper, the camera barely being able to pick up his words. "Know what I mean?"

The blond stared into the lens for a couple of moments, almost as if waiting for some type of response. When none came, he gave a slight nod before reaching forward and everything went black.