A/N – Well, here we go! Yet another one shot! I've been doing a lot of these lately, haven't I? Don't worry though people! "A Codette World Tour" and "You're on Total Drama Island, Charlie Brown" are still my top priorities. (In fact, Codette World Tour will be updated VERY soon as the fourth chapter is near completion).
But, since it's the Christmas season, I decided to upload a Christmas story. But unlike my other ones, Total Drama is not the main focus of this story. Rather, it's secondary. This time, Kratos, the God of War, is the main focus!
In a nutshell, it's a parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", one of my all time favorite Christmas specials. This story was inspired by the recent Nostalgia Critic video "The Grinch". In a nutshell, people have asked me what I thought about the third season, so this is pretty much the way I see it. Again, I decided to be a little creative and to have fun with it, which is why I'm giving my opinions through Kratos. Why him? Because Kratos as a Grinch like character seemed funny to me.
And for the first time ever, the entire story will be told in rhyme, just like the special! So sit back and relax and dive right in!
Chapter Only – How the God Conquered World Tour
Everyone of the Total Drama fan base loved World Tour.
When asked if they enjoyed it, they said yes without detour.
"Season Three was great!" the fans would all say.
If time would allow it, they would watch it all day.
Yes indeed, fans loved Total Drama World Tour a lot.
But Kratos, the Ghost of Sparta and God of War, did not.
Kratos hated Total Drama World Tour. He hated it with a passion.
If he could, he would slaughter the show without compassion.
Why he hated the show, no one really knew why.
All they knew was the season was a thorn in his thigh.
It could be because that his skin was pale and not very bright.
Or perhaps the Chaos Blades were wrapped on his wrists too tight.
But I should think that the most likely reason of all
Is that his tolerance for idiocy was too small.
But, his wrists, tolerance, skin, or for whatever reason
Kratos sat on his throne, hating the third season.
Staring down at the complete third season of the show
He couldn't help but feel it should have been scrapped long ago
"Can't those mortals see," he bellowed, "that World Tour is a wreck?
I'd rather fight for the Gods on the Total Drama Action set!" (P.S. That season's a wreck too)
Kratos pondered on thoughts that to him were dwelling
"I must stop Total Drama World Tour from selling!
For when mortal children get it on Christmas day
…oh, the treacheries that will come our way.
They'll toss aside the rest of their toys
To sing with those teenage girls and boys
And then, on the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's all the songs are! They're just noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!"
And the more the God of War thought how the show could sting,
The more he thought "I must stop this Total Drama World Tour thing!
By the Gods, I've put up with it for far too long now!
I must stop Total Drama from sucking! But how?"
Then he got an idea…an awful idea…the Ghost of Sparta got a wonderfully, AWFUL idea!
"I know just what to do!" he said with a smirk
"I shall berate this horrific piece of work!
A review, I'll do of this horrible wreck!
And I'll upload it on fan fiction dot net!
That fool mortal TDI Charlie Brown isn't about!
While he's gone, I'll hack into his account!
I'll send a message to his mortal fans! My opinion, they must hear!
I know they shall oblige, for the Ghost of Sparta, they all fear!"
He grabbed a parchment and began to write. "What a strategic trick!
For today only, the God of War, Kratos, shall become a critic!"
(As Kratos writes his review, a song plays in the background)
You're a mean one, God of War!
You truly are nasty!
You're as mellow as Empusa! You're as nice as a Harpy!
God of War-ar!
You're a rotten serpant hailing….from the Black Sea!
You're a monster, God of War!
You're heart's an endless hole!
You cut off the head of Helios! And you captured Hades soul!
God of War-ar!
I wouldn't fight you with a….thirty foot cypress pole!
You're a foul one, God of War!
You kill Persians with one kick!
You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick Basilik!
God of War-ar!
Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take the….seasick Basilik!
You're a killer, God of War!
The Gods are all distraught!
Your heart's as cold as ice and your soul cannot be bought!
God of War-ar!
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: FIGHT! FIGHTS! FOUGHT!
You're just rotten, God of War!
You're the king of sinful sots!
Your hearts a tainted organ that survived against a Cyclops!
God of War-ar!
Your soul is a tortured dump heap! Overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable memories imaginable! Mangled up in…tangled up knots!
You're nauseating, God of War!
With a nauseaous God-like Naus!
You're a blood-thirsty warrior and you drive a crooked hoss!
God of War-ar!
You're a three decker Karkinos and Minotaur sandwich….with Pegasus sauce!
Kratos finally finished writing his review and read it aloud.
"No one will like season three as long as I am around!
I have no time to waste! It's time they paid for this sin!
Total Drama World Tour shall suffer! Let us begin!
The first problem with World Tour, everyone should know:
They've added two new characters to this reality-like show.
Alejandro and Sierra! Those are the new characters names.
Little did they know they would be why this season was maimed.
Did anyone honestly think that it'd be early when they go?
If so, then you're more pathetic than a Persian's theatrical show.
On top of that, these two characters are just boring and lame!
A Gary-Stu and fanatic? It's like they came out of a fan fiction game.
Alejandro's just too perfect! His character has no flaw!
And Sierra just stalks Cody…isn't that against the law?
Speaking of which, other characters don't get a chance to be seasoned.
They kept the wrong characters around for all the wrong reasons!
Less popular characters left early. They needed this chance to shine!
The ones you chose to keep around had already been developed just fine.
More Duncan and Courtney drama? By the Gods, what a bore!
Bridgette, Noah, and Tyler needed that screen time much more!
What have those three done ever since season one?
They haven't developed yet! Not one day under this sun!
Seriously! A golden opportunity gone completely to waste!
All just to satisfy the Duncan and Courtney fan base!
Speaking of wasted opportunities and ideas that reek!
Let us move on to the character called Feral Zeke!
What was the point of doing that? Did the writers find it funny?
Making him a Kobaloi-like creature that's hungry for money?
This move has infuriated the Ghost of Sparta! Truly an inferior call!
If this was all you could think for him, I'd rather you not use him at all!
It added nothing to his character or the story! The idea just reeks!
This is not what I wanted when I asked those mortals for more Zeke!
Another plot that has the God of war enraged
Was how Sierra kept Cody's character in a cage!
He had no freedom to develop! Sierra constantly held him back!
He made it to the end without development? How did they do that?
No interactions with other characters. His return was false buzz.
A prop for the irritating Sierra this season! That's all Cody was!
Now for the move that I hated most of all!
Without a doubt, this was the writer's worst call!
This is the worst thing to ever be seen by the eyes of men.
Of course, I am referring to the romance of Gwen and Duncan!
What attracted me to Total Drama was the writer's daring to be different.
In the first seasons, romances were more or less…well…Indifferent.
A loner Goth and a popular musician; A delinquent and good girl with high scores!
In all my years on earth, I have never seen romances like these ones before!
And the writers made them work well! No fixing required!
Whoever said they should break up is a Persian scum liar!
By the Gods! How could these writers be so cliché and stale?
This is a relationship the God of War hopes will soon be derailed.
And on top of that, the songs are mostly just horrid!
Just listening to them makes my blood completely torrid!
None of them are pleasant. They're mostly annoying!
I fail to see how this is something mortals are enjoying!
The whole idea of having the Total Drama cast singing is just wrong.
Tongues on poles; undressing guards; condors…okay, THAT was a decent song.
And in the end, it was the villains that prosper!
A message even I feel is absolutely improper!
Heather AND Alejandro in the final two? That I don't adore!
I'd rather spend my time fighting and slaying a Manticore!
And I know what mortals will say: But this was THEIR season!
Well, I hate Total Drama World Tour for that primary reason!
Those two hogged the spotlight! There was no room for sharing!
The good, kind, underdeveloped? No sign of the writers caring!
Horrible songs! Characters being destroyed! Horrible plots!
How, by the Gods, did Total Drama get so botched?
The way things were in season one was just fine! No adjustments needed!
Whoever decided otherwise needs their writing license conceded!
If these writers have any sense whatsoever, they'll make things the way they were before!
And this, meek, foolish mortals, has been a message from Kratos, your God of War!"
"The deed is done!" Kratos exclaimed as he raced to upload his story!
"The readers are discovering Total Drama World Tour ISN'T Amore!
They'll read my story, and I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open for a moment or two!
Then they'll bow to the wisdom and greatness of You-Know-Who!
Now those are reviews and comments that I simply must read!"
He waited. Then, after some time, he logged in again to see.
The reviews for the story started off low
And then, the number of reviews began to grow!
But the reviewers…none of them seemed belittled or sad.
In fact, all of the reviewers' reviews seemed rather glad!
(A/N – These are actual comments made by people who love the third season)
-I actually loved the third season! Those songs were so catchy and I sang along to all of them!
-Sierra was my favorite character this season! She was SO funny!
-I'm so glad Duncan and Gwen FINALLY hooked up! It's about time! Courtney can go suck a lemon for all I care!
-I actually liked Total Drama World Tour. I can't help it: I've got a weakness for musicals.
-I wasn't too sad to see all of Team Victory leave right off the bat. After all, they had no purpose for this season.
-I was SO happy when Heather won in the United States! I was rooting for her from the beginning.
-Total Drama World Tour was hilarious! I hope we see more Alejandro/Heather in future seasons!
-All the interactions between Cody and Sierra were so funny! I only wish they could have actually become an item.
-I thought Feral Zeke was awesome! It's a nice change of pace from the boring, sexist, rapping wannabe we got the first season.
-I LOVE TOTAL DRAMA WORLD TOUR!
Every reviewer reviewing, the tall and the small
Were praising the third season; no negativity at all.
Kratos didn't stop the people from liking it. They loved it!
Somehow or another, Total Drama World Tour was just as beloved.
And the Ghost of Sparta, feeling that something must be amiss
Sat down in his throne wondering: "WHAT TREACHERY IS THIS?
THEY LIKE VILLAINS PROSPERING; THEY LIKED CODY HARASSED!
THEY LIKED SEEING GWUNCAN! EZEKIEL TAKING IT UP THE ASS!"
And he puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.
Then, he thought of something that he hadn't before.
Just because he didn't like it, doesn't mean others should.
He could share his opinion and not force, like other would.
For if everyone liked the same thing, the world would be quite a bore.
Then everything, even Total Drama, wouldn't be fun to watch anymore/
And listening to other's opinions might help him learn and to grow.
For everybody is different, like every flake of snow.
And just maybe, he could learn to tolerate World Tour for this very reason.
For hope, joy, and the belief in miracles, is the spirit of the Christmas season.
Kratos – Fool! I'm right! They're wrong!
Narrator – Well….screw you then!
Kratos – Fool! You will learn from your treacherous mistake! And this lesson will cost you your life!
(Kratos pulls out his blades of Chaos and gives chase to the Narrator, who runs away screaming in horror.)
A/N – Well, there you go. I hope you all liked it. Be gentle with the reviews. It's my first time trying something like this.
P.S. – I don't really think my opinions on the third reason are the only ones that matter. That was just a joke to help keep Kratos in character. But I still stand by them. I'm open to your thoughts on the third season as well, so feel free to share your honest opinions. I'm open to them. And Merry Christmas to all!