Threadbare South Park
Episode #101: "Charlie"

NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. It's rated T for language only. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade.


The episode starts with the typical shot of South Park Elementary. Inside, the third grade class is crowded around Kenny's desk. He's drinking something out of a small can.

CLASS: Chug! Chug! Chug!

Mr. Garrison walks into the room.

MR. GARRISON: Okay kids, take your seats.

The class ignores him and continues.

CLASS: Chug! Chug! Chug!

MR. GARRISON: Shut up and take your goddamn seats! And Kenny, throw that in the trash.

The kids scatter to their seats and Kenny walks to the trash and throws away the can.

MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, we have some exciting news for you! A new student will be joining our class later today!

MR. HAT: That's right Mr. Garrison! Oh boy!

The entire class groans.

MR. GARRISON: Cut that out! And don't interrupt Mr. Hat when he's talking!

KENNY (raising his hand): (Mr. Garrison?)

MR. HAT: Well, as I was saying, our new student is named Charlie Pierzynski. She moved here from Minneapolis.

KYLE (raising his hand): Mr. Garrison? Don't you mean "he"? Charlie is a boy name.

MR. HAT: Kyle, you watch your smart mouth! I'll whip you if I hear you correcting Mr. Garrison's pronoun usage again, mister, you hear me?

MR. GARRISON: Now, Mr. Hat, let's calm down. Kyle raises a valid point. Now, I'm not sure, Kyle. All I have about the kid are its registration forms, and it says "Charlie" for name and "female" for sex.

All the boys in the class start laughing.

MR. GARRISON (rolling his eyes): Oh, really, that's very mature, gentlemen.

CARTMAN: Heh-heh… Mr. Garrison… said 'sex'…

KENNY (waving his hand): (I think I'm going to be sick, Mr. Garrison!)

MR. GARRISON: That's enough, children! Let's move onto some word problems. Now, if I had six big, round, hard nuts, and Ricky Martin ate five of them, then how many nuts would I have?

The class stares at him, wide-eyed.

MR. GARRISON: Anyone? Anyone?

KENNY (waving his hand frantically): (MR. GARRISON!)

STAN: Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?

STAN: Kenny's gonna throw up.

Kenny vomits blue globs on his desk. Mr. Garrison stares at the puke for a moment, then goes to the garbage can.

MR. GARRISON: My God, Kenny! This is paint!

CARTMAN: Oh, how sad… It's all his family can afford.

KENNY (angrily): (Shut up, fat-ass!)

Cartman and the others laugh. Kenny punches Cartman in the arm.

MR. GARRISON: Now, we all know it's true Kenny. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Now go get the janitor to clean that up before we're quarantined.

KYLE: Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle?

KYLE: You have one nut.

MR. GARRISON: … How did you know that?

The bell rings again; it's the afternoon. Students are coming in from lunch. A kid stands near the desk and stares at Mr. Hat nervously. She has short, brown hair and is wearing a blue-green hat and blue jacket with cargo pants. She has little scratches and bruises on her face. She looks a little like a boy.

MR. GARRISON: All right class, take your seats! Mr. Hat has a new friend he wants to introduce to you!

MR. HAT: This is Charlie Pierzynski, your new classmate! Say hello to Charlie, everyone.

CLASS: Hello, Charlie.

MR. GARRISON: Now, are there any questions you'd like to ask Charlie? [Stan raises hand.] Yes Stanley?

STAN: Are you a boy or a girl?

CHARLIE: I'm a girl.

STAN: Then why is your name Charlie?

CHARLIE: It's supposed to be short for Charlotte, I guess.

STAN: [pause] Oh.

MR. GARRISON: Anyone else? Yes, Clyde?

CLYDE: If you're from Minneapolis, then why don't you have a British accent?

CHARLIE: Minneapolis is in the U.S.

CLYDE: No it isn't. It's a town in England. My dad went there once.

KYLE: Minneapolis is in Minnesota, dumbass.

CLYDE: Seriously?

KYLE: Yes.


MR. GARRISON: All right, do you kids have any more stupid little questions? Yes, Kenny?

KENNY: (Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but are you a dyke?)

The class laughs, Charlie looks embarrassed, and Mr. Garrison looks angry.

STAN to Kyle: What's a dyke?

KYLE: I dunno. Kenny, what's a dyke?

KENNY: (Dykes are girls who like pussy.)

All three laugh.

MR. GARRISON: Kenny McCormick, where did you learn that kind of language?

KENNY: (Television.)

MR. GARRISON: Oh. All right then. Um, class, we've got a special surprise for the rest of the afternoon, but before I tell you what it is, is there anyone who'd like to show Charlie around during recess? Anyone? [Cartman forcibly raises Kenny's hand.] All right. Why don't you take that seat next to Kenny, Charlie?

CARTMAN: Heh, heh- Hey! I'm in this seat!

MR. GARRISON: Oh, I forgot all about you, Eric. Well, why don't you go sit over in that seat by Pip?

CARTMAN: Bu- the- wh- Dammit, are you serious?

MR. GARRISON: Right now, Eric.

CARTMAN: But I don't waaannaaaa! Ahhhhhhm!


Cartman grumbles angrily as he moves over to the seat next to Pip. Charlie sits down in his old seat but crosses her arms and looks away from Kenny.

MR. GARRISON: Now, as a special surprise for the rest of the class, we'll be watching several important episodes of Barnaby Jones. There will be a quiz on this stuff, so pay attention.

The class groans. As soon as Mr. Garrison flicks off the lights, everyone in the class but Charlie puts his head down on his desk. Charlie looks around, then does the same.

It's recess. All of the kids are playing outside. The boys are by the swings.

STAN: No, dude—I was really asleep the whole class.

KYLE: Yeah right. I saw you peeking at the screen. I think you LIKE Barnaby Jones.

STAN: Do not!

KENNY: (Do too!)

STAN: Shut up, Kenny.

CARTMAN: Your impertinent and childish chatter is boring me. Let's play alien invasion.

KYLE: No way dude. We played alien invasion yesterday, and the day before, and the Friday before that.

STAN: Yeah, aren't you getting tired of the same old boring aliens with the same old boring fizzing green blood?

CARTMAN: Dude. You can never get enough of Tralfadorians. They kick ass.

KYLE: Hey, Kenny, aren't you supposed to be showing that new girl around?

Kenny shrugs.

CARTMAN (whining): Come ON you guys, I wanna play alien invasion!

KYLE: Shut up, Cartman.

CARTMAN: I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew!

STAN: Hey, that rhymed! "I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew."

KENNY: ("I sleep with your sister more often than you!")

Everyone but Kyle laughs.

KYLE: Shut up, Kenny! I don't even have a sister!

Charlie walks up.

CARTMAN (sighing): Well, what do you want?

CHARLIE: The guy with the puppet said the orange kid is supposed to show me where stuff is.

CARTMAN: Kenny doesn't want to show you where stuff is. You got me kicked out of my seat, you little twat. Go stand by the wall like the other new kids.

They all look over at a wall, where two kids, one around kindergarten-sized and one taller than the third graders, are frowning and staring awkwardly at the ground.

CHARLIE: Fine. I don't need his help.

She walks away. A moment later she comes back.

CHARLIE: At least I'm not a fat-ass.

She walks away again. Cartman looks pissed.

CARTMAN: Hey! I'm not—well at least I'm not a gender-confused new kid! Go… put on a dress and get back in the kitchen where you belong! (To Stan, Kyle, and Kenny) And stop laughing! Let's go play alien invasion.

KYLE: Screw you. I'd rather just show the new kid around.

STAN: Me too. C'mon Kenny. C'mon, fat-ass.

CARTMAN: You guys go ahead and show your retarded little genderless friend around. I'm staying here and playing alien invasion by myself, where I'm ALLOWED to wear impenetrable vests.

STAN: Whatever, dude.

The three walk away. Cartman looks a little bummed.

CARTMAN: Fine. They can just go. I don't need them. Stupid Jew. I am master over this swing; it is my tiny realm. Nobody can touch it. It's mine. And it thinks I'm awesome.

The other three walk over to the bench where Charlie is sitting. She has one sleeve rolled up, revealing a badly bruised arm. She pokes it and winces.

KYLE: Whoa, where'd you—

Charlie yelps and falls off of the bench. The three stare at her as she gets up and quickly rolls down her sleeve.


KYLE: Yeah. Hi. Where'd you get those bruises though, dude?

CHARLIE: Wha—what?

KYLE: The bruises. All over your arm.

KENNY: (Maybe she likes rough sex.)

CHARLIE: I do not! I just… fell down the stairs.

KYLE: On your arm?


They just stare at her.

CHARLIE: …Also I ran into a table. Really hard. [Pause.] I just fall down a lot.

STAN: Um, okay. Kenny is supposed to show you around though.

Kenny waves.

CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, well… I'm okay, I think. It's no big deal.

STAN: Okay. C'mon, guys.

KYLE: Dude!

STAN: What? She doesn't want us to show her around, so we don't have to show her around.

Meanwhile, Kenny leaves.

KYLE: Well, she's new and everything. She's probably just a little shy.

STAN: I think I'd rather just… [The two look back and see Cartman flopped on top of Kenny, who is brutally kicking his way out.] Never mind.

KYLE to Charlie: Do you want us to show you around?

Charlie smiles slightly and nods.

Stan, Kyle, and Charlie walk around the schoolyard.

STAN: That's the swings, and that's the tetherball thing, and that's the jungle gym. And our teacher's name is Mr. Garrison.

CHARLIE: Does he always have a puppet?

STAN: What, Mr. Hat? Yeah, he always has Mr. Hat.

KYLE: And that's Wendy, and that's Bebe, and the fat-ass is Cartman, and I don't know who that is, and that's Pip. His real name's Philip, but everyone calls him Pip, 'cause we hate him.

CHARLIE: Why do you hate him?

KYLE: We just do.


Wendy and Bebe come over.

WENDY: Hi, Stan.

Stan throws up.

KYLE: Hi Wendy. Hi Bebe.

WENDY: Stan, are you done throwing up?

Stan throws up again.

WENDY: Ew, that's gross. Puke is gross. Now are you done throwing up?

STAN: I think so.

WENDY: Can I talk to you?

STAN: Sure.

Stan and Wendy walk away. Bebe smiles at Charlie. Charlie and Kyle glance at each other uncomfortably.

WENDY: Stan, is there a new kid in our class?

STAN: Yeah, weren't you there for the big introduction?

WENDY: No. Bebe's mom took me and her to a hair salon. Do you like my new hair?

She spins around. Her hair looks the same as always.

STAN: Yeah. It's great.

WENDY: But Stan! What's the new kid's name?

STAN: Charlie.

WENDY: I love that name! Stan, do you think Charlie would like to go out with Bebe? When she saw him earlier at recess, she said she thought he was cute.

STAN (looking a little disturbed): Um, Wendy, I don't think—

WENDY: Well, Kyle doesn't like her, and she's really sad because I have a boyfriend and she doesn't!

Stan throws up.

WENDY: Ew, gross! Stan, that's gross! But anyway, come on! Go ask Charlie if he likes Bebe!

STAN: Charlie isn't—

WENDY: Please?

STAN: …Okay.

They walk back. Bebe is still staring at Charlie, who hasn't said a word. Wendy whispers something to Bebe, who giggles and whispers something back.

WENDY: Charlie, this is Bebe, and I'm Wendy.


WENDY: I'm Stan's girlfriend.


Bebe whispers something to Wendy.

WENDY: My friend Bebe was wondering if—Stan, what's wrong?

Stan is shaking his head vigorously.

STAN: I really don't think you should—

WENDY: Stop being so selfish, Stan! He can do whatever he wants! Charlie, would you like to go out with Bebe?

Charlie doesn't say anything, just opens her mouth in shock. Bebe giggles.

WENDY: It's okay. She thinks you're cute.

Charlie doesn't move.

WENDY: Does that mean yes?

Charlie doesn't move.

WENDY: Yes! This is so exciting! Bebe has a boyfriend!

Bebe runs up and kisses Charlie on the cheek. Charlie appears to be completely petrified. The two girls run off together.

KYLE: Dude! You're going out with Bebe!

Charlie doesn't move.

KYLE: Bebe's a girl!

Charlie doesn't move.

KYLE to Stan: Dude, is she okay?

STAN: I dunno. Should we get her to the nurse?

KYLE: One sec… [He punches one of her arms].

CHARLIE: Ah! Dad! [She notices Kyle and Stan] Ow. What was that for?

KYLE: You're Bebe's boyfriend.

Charlie freezes again.

STAN: Dude? Dude!

Stan punches her other arm.

CHARLIE: Ah! Cut it out!

Kyle punches her arm again.

CHARLIE: I'm awake, I'm awake! What was that for?

KYLE: Just checking.

The boys and Charlie are at Stan's house, in his bedroom. Mrs. Marsh (Sharon) knocks and comes in with cookies.

SHARON: Stan, I think it's so nice that you invited all your little friends over!

STAN: Sure, Mom.

SHARON: And it's so nice that you finally made a new friend! What did you say his name was?

STAN: Charlie. And she's a girl.

SHARON: Of course, sweetheart. Have a nice time, kids!

She exits.

STAN to Charlie: Sorry about that.

CHARLIE: It's okay. Thanks for inviting me over.

KYLE: It's probably the least he could do considering he let you get together with Bebe.

Sharon walks down the stairs. Randy is reading the newspaper on the couch. Sharon walks up to him.

SHARON: The boys invited a little lesbian girl over today.

RANDY: [Looking up from his newspaper with a grin] Really? That's just swell!

SHARON: I'm just so glad our son is so open-minded.

RANDY: I guess we did a good job at raising him after all! [They hug happily.]

CARTMAN: Well guys, I'm not entirely convinced that Charlie—IF that is your name—[Charlie looks a little confused] is actually a girl. Maybe he's just pretending 'cause he's gay.

CHARLIE: Am not!

KYLE: Yeah, shut up, fat boy! She's a girl!

CARTMAN (in a teasing voice): Kyle likes Charlie! Kyle likes a boy! Jews are gay!

KYLE: Shut up you stupid piece of shit!

CARTMAN: I'll prove it to you! Charlie, pull down your pants!

CHARLIE: What? No thanks.

CARTMAN: No, seriously! You don't have something to HIDE from us, do you? Like a penis?

CHARLIE: Of course not, I just don't wanna pull down my pants!

KENNY: (That's fucked up, Cartman.)

STAN: Yeah, Cartman! You're a sick pervert!

CARTMAN: Oh yeah? [He leans over and grabs Charlie's pants.]

Charlie kicks Cartman in the face with her other foot. Cartman lets go and moans a little. Suddenly Cartman opens his mouth and spits a load of blood on the floor. Stan runs to the door.

STAN: Mom! Cartman tried to pull down Charlie's pants to see if she had a penis and she kicked him in the face and he puked blood on my carpet!

Sharon hurries into the room. Cartman is moaning pitifully.

CARTMAN: I feel victimized!

SHARON: My God Stanley, they've been over for all of five minutes and this happens!

KYLE: It was Cartman's fault, Mrs. Marsh. He was being a sick pervert and trying to take Charlie's pants off.

SHARON: …Okay… Eric, do you want me to call your mom?

CARTMAN: I'm so abused! What did I do to deserve this?

Sharon leads Cartman out of the room.

SHARON: Stan, if any more of your friends vomit blood on your carpet, you're done playing for the day. Do you understand me?

STAN: Okay, Mom.

The two leave. Cartman can be heard crying for a little while. The four remaining, sitting in a bit of a circle on the floor, sit in awkward silence for awhile.

STAN: When does Terrance and Phillip start?

KYLE: Twenty minutes.

STAN: Crap. We have twenty minutes to kill. What do you wanna do, Kenny?

KENNY: (Jack off.)

STAN: That's stupid. That's all you ever wanna do.

KENNY (indignantly): (It's fun!)

KYLE: Well, what do you wanna do, Charlie?

CHARLIE: I dunno… whatever you wanna do.

STAN: What do you wanna do, Kyle?

KYLE: I dunno. It's your house. What do you wanna do?


STAN: This is retarded. Let's go watch the last fifteen minutes of Spongebob before Terrance and Phillip is on.

The four are watching Spongebob on the couch.

SPONGEBOB: Patrick, do you want a Krabby Patty?


SPONGEBOB: Hey, Squidward! How do you like my new pet jellyfish?

SQUIDWARD: [Mumbles angrily.]

MR. KRABS: Money!

KYLE: Dude, this show sucks.

Spongebob ends with everyone laughing stupidly in a circle. Patrick is hitting himself on the head with a rock. All four stare stone-faced at the television.

TV Announcer: And now, the Terrance and Phillip program!

ALL: Yay!

TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, it appears that we are in the Arctic among native Eskimos!

PHILLIP: It sure does Terrance. Hey, Terrance?

TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?

Phillip farts. Both of them laugh. The kids laugh.

TERRANCE: That was a good one Phillip!

PHILLIP: Oh look, there is the chief of the tribe! Hello there!

The chief stares solemnly at the pair.

TERRANCE: Eskimo chief? Guess what? There's a magic rock on the ground!

Eskimo chief looks surprised and excited.

TERRANCE: Look closer and you'll be able to see it.

Chief leans down.

TERRANCE: Closer… Closer…

STAN: I know what he's gonna do!

Terrance farts in the chief's face. Chief growls, the two laugh, and the chief starts to laugh too. The four kids laugh.

The show is ending. The four are watching, transfixed, with smiles on their faces.

TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, although we couldn't persuade the Eskimos to convert to Catholicism, at least we got these wonderful jackets made out of whale blubber!

PHILLIP: Help! Mine's on fire! Help me Terrance!

Terrance approaches Phillip, who farts in his face. The End. The four laugh.

STAN: That was sweet!

KENNY: (Those fart jokes never get old!)

KYLE: You got that right, Kenny.

STAN: Hey, where's Charlie?

Charlie is running down the stairs from Stan's room, pulling on her coat.

CHARLIE: I forgot I had to be home by four! I live all the way on the other side of town! I've got to go!

STAN: That's where Kenny lives. Maybe his mom could—

She's gone.

KYLE: What was that about?

STAN: I dunno. Maybe her mom's really strict or something.

Suddenly, Charlie opens the door again.

CHARLIE: Bathroom?

STAN: Right over there.

CHARLIE: Thanks.

The three listen to the bathroom door slam, and about five seconds later they hear a flush and a sink.


She runs out the front door again.

STAN: What the hell was that?

KYLE: Maybe all girls act like that.

KENNY: (It's probably just PMS.)

The three laugh.

STAN: What's PMS?

The boys are standing at the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are just standing there. Cartman has a bandage on his nose. He's singing "The Long and Winding Road" to himself. The bus pulls up.

MS. CRABTREE: Hurry up! We're running late! And be quiet!

The four get on the bus. Cartman is still singing/humming to himself.

KYLE: Hey, where's Charlie?

CARTMAN: Probably trying to get somebody else to kiss her ass. Next time I see her I swear to God I'll just be like, "Hey, you asshole! I… You stupid bitch! Go make me a pot pie!" And I'll kick her in the nuts or something.

STAN: Girls don't have nuts, Cartman.

CARTMAN: Really?

KYLE: I thought you knew that when you were trying to see if she had a penis yesterday. [He shrugs.]

CARTMAN (thinking): Nuts are associated with the male anatomy?


She pulls to a sharp stop. Most of the kids fall out of their seats.

MS. CRABTREE: Everybody off! Stay in line!

The kids get off the bus and walk into the school.

MR. GARRISON: All right kids, everybody get in your seat so I can take attendance. [Murmurs to himself] All right… Does anybody know where Charlie Pierzynski is?

STAN: She wasn't on the bus.

MR. GARRISON to Mr. Hat: Stupid kids. Late for school all the time. Sometimes I wanna—

MR. HAT: Calm down, Mr. Garrison. Remember, patience.

MR. GARRISON: [Sigh.] You're right, Mr. Hat. All right kids, first on the agenda today… Why don't you pass up your homework?

Charlie walks in. She has a black eye and a band-aid on her nose. She gives a little note to Mr. Garrison. He reads it then looks questioningly at her.

MR. GARRISON: Are you sure?

Charlie nods.

MR. GARRISON: …Okay. Well take your seat.

Charlie sits down next to Kenny again.

MR. GARRISON: Now class, today we're starting our big unit on pioneers! Isn't that exciting?

The class stares at him.

MR. HAT: It sure is, Mr. Garrison. Did you know that the U.S. bought a lot of its land-including some of Colorado-from France in the Louisiana Purchase?

MR. GARRISON: Wow, that's very interesting Mr. Hat! It was the Louisiana Purchase that allowed the pioneers to move west, since they now owned the land! Yes, Charlie?

Charlie pukes blood all over her desk, then faints and falls off her chair. The class gasps.

MR. GARRISON: Oh no, not again.

Mr. Garrison is carrying Charlie and is followed by Kenny and Kyle. They're going to the nurse's office.

NURSE: Oh dear, what do we have here?

MR. GARRISON: I have no idea, but she came into class with a black eye—

KYLE: …and then she barfed blood and fainted!

KENNY: (It was awesome!)

Charlie wakes up and shouts something hoarsely.

CHARLIE [in a whispered scream]: Put me down, let me down!

Mr. Garrison looks surprised and puts her on one of the beds. She breathes deeply, then opens her eyes and sees the Nurse, Mr. Garrison, Kyle, and Kenny. She doesn't say anything, but she looks confused.

NURSE: You're at school, hun. You just got a little sick. Why don't you try to rest for awhile?

NURSE to Mr. Garrison: Do you think…?

MR. GARRISON: I'm not sure, she just moved here, so I haven't met the parents yet. She looked fine yesterday.

NURSE: I'll have to check. Kenny, could you hand me that tray of dangerous medical equipment?

Kenny nervously approaches it, picks it up, and walks it over to the Nurse.

NURSE: Thank you.

Kenny sighs in relief. Then he begins to hiccup. The Nurse pulls a sheet between her and Charlie and Mr. Garrison and the boys. Our view is from the boys' side of the curtain.

CHARLIE: What are you doing?

NURSE: Relax. Now take your coat off.

CHARLIE: I don't want to.

NURSE: You have to. [There's a brief pause.] Oh my goodness.

Back in the classroom, everyone is quiet. A few of them are looking at the blood all over the desk.

CARTMAN: You know, it's sort of funny that everything that she did to me yesterday is happening to her now.

STAN: What do you mean?

CARTMAN: Well, the bitch kicked me in the face and pretty much broke my nose, and now she's got a bandage on HER nose.


CARTMAN: And THEN she puked blood. Yesterday I puked blood. Coincidence, or karma?

The other kids stare at him. Bebe is crying, and Wendy is comforting her.

BEBE: What happened to him?

WENDY: It's okay, I'm sure he'll be fine.

BEBE: My life is over!

STAN to Bebe: Um, Bebe?

BEBE: What?

STAN: I don't think you should go out with Charlie.

BEBE: Why not?

STAN: Well… Charlie's a girl.


WENDY: Stan, why didn't you tell me that?

STAN: You wouldn't let me!

WENDY: But his or her name's Charlie!

STAN: She says it's short for Charlotte!

BEBE: I kissed her on the cheek! Oh my God!

Bebe runs from the room, gagging.

WENDY: Why didn't she say something?

STAN: I dunno. Maybe 'cause you told her Bebe thought she was cute. That was pretty fucked up.

NURSE to Mr. Garrison: She has bruises all over her arms and chest.

MR. GARRISON: Did she say where she got them?

NURSE: She said she ran into a fridge and fell down the stairs.

KYLE: That's what she told us all right. Wait—actually, I think she told us it was a table.

KENNY: (Yup, she said table.) Hiccup.

NURSE: I think I'll call her home.

KYLE: Is she gonna be okay?

NURSE: She should be fine. I'll talk to her mother about what happened and ask her to get her a doctor appointment. You boys should be getting back to class.

Bebe runs into the room.

BEBE: I'm dying! I'm dying!

NURSE: What happened?

BEBE: I kissed a girl!

Mr. Garrison, Kenny, Kyle, and Bebe are in the classroom again with everyone else.

MR. GARRISON: I'm sorry about the interruption, class. Charlie should be okay, she's just going to miss the rest of the day.

STAN: Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?

STAN: That bloody puke smells really bad Mr. Garrison.

MR. GARRISON: Oh. Right. Kenny, will you go get the janitor?

Kenny sighs and leaves the room. And hiccups.

MR. GARRISON: Now, where was I…?

MR. HAT: The Louisiana Purchase, Mr. Garrison!


Charlie is lying awake in the nurse's office without her jacket on. Instead, she's just wearing a light purple T-shirt. In addition to her black eye and injured nose, her arms are badly bruised. Suddenly, Mr. Mackey, the guidance counselor, comes into her little area with the curtain.

MR. MACKEY: Hi there, I'm Mr. Mackey, your counselor, m'kay?


MR. MACKEY: Now, as I understand it, you might be having some trouble at home, m'kay?

He sits down in a chair.

MR. MACKEY: I just want you to know you can tell me about it, m'kay?

Charlie stares at him.

MR. MACKEY: Let's start with the basics. Who is in your family?

CHARLIE: Well, I have a mom, and a little sister. She's four. And a little brother. He's just a baby.

MR. MACKEY: Does your Dad live with you?

CHARLIE: Not recently.

MR. MACKEY: M'kay. Do either of your parents do mar-juana?

There's a brief pause.


MR. MACKEY: Do either of your parents do mar-juana?

CHARLIE: What's mar-juana?

MR. MACKEY: Mar-juana is a drug. Drugs are bad, m'kay?

CHARLIE: I don't know.

MR. MACKEY: Well, do your parents get angry at you very often?

CHARLIE: My mom's really strict. I like my dad a lot though.

MR. MACKEY: Do your parents ever hit you?

Charlie hesitates.

MR. MACKEY: Do your parents ever hit you?


MR. MACKEY [taking notes]: M'kay. I noticed you're all bruised up, Charlie. How'd you get those bruises?

CHARLIE: Why do I have to tell you?

MR. MACKEY: I just need to get the facts down, m'kay?

CHARLIE: Yesterday I ran into a refrigerator and today I fell down the stairs into the basement.

MR. MACKEY: M'kay. Nurse Gollum called your mom.

Charlie stares.

MR. MACKEY: She says she's too busy to pick you up, m'kay? She also says that you have bad allergies.

CHARLIE: Oh… yeah.

MR. MACKEY: So she says you don't need to go to the hospital. She just said to give you an inhaler.


MR. MACKEY: Have you thrown up blood because of allergies before?

CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. Loads of times.

MR. MACKEY: Oh really. Then do you know what… [pulls out an inhaler dramatically]… this is?

CHARLIE: …An inhaler?

MR. MACKEY: …Oh. Yes, it is. Um, I'll be just down the hall if you ever want to talk to me about anything, m'kay?

CHARLIE: Okay. Thanks.

Mr. Mackey leaves, leaving the inhaler on the bed. Charlie picks it up, sprays a little bit of the medicine into the air, and coughs.

That day after school, the kids are getting onto the bus. Charlie is really pale and looks sick and tired.

KYLE: Why wouldn't your mom pick you up?

CHARLIE: She was just busy. It's okay. I'm fine.

CARTMAN: Well then, I guess you won't mind if I kick you in the nuts!

He kicks Charlie in the crotch.

CHARLIE (grabbing her crotch): Ow! What was that for?

CARTMAN: See? See, I told you guys it was a boy!

CHARLIE: I'm not a boy!

CARTMAN: Well, then, why did it hurt when I kicked you in the nuts?

CHARLIE: Well first of all, I'm not numb down there or anything. It still hurts. Just not as much.

There's a pause.

CARTMAN: Really?

CHARLIE: Yes. And second, for the last time: I do not have nuts.

Kenny hiccups a few times.

STAN: Wow, Kenny. You've had the hiccups almost all day.

Kenny shrugs.

KYLE: Isn't it annoying?

Kenny shrugs. They all climb on the bus. Cartman and Kenny sit together, Stan and Kyle sit together, and Charlie sits next to Butters.

BUTTERS: Are you contagious?

CHARLIE: I don't think so.

BUTTERS: Are you sure?

CHARLIE: Pretty sure.

BUTTERS: Positive?


Butters shudders a little and turns away.

KYLE to Charlie: Fat-ass says we can't go to his house today for some reason. Do you wanna come to my house with Stan and me? Or are you too sick?

CHARLIE (smiling a little): Well, I have to be home by four, but sure.

Kyle, Stan, Ike, and Charlie are sitting on the floor in Kyle's room when Mrs. Broflovski (Sheila) knocks on the door and peeks in.

SHEILA: Kyle, sweetie, can I talk to you for a minute?

KYLE: Mo-om!

SHEILA: Now, Kyle!

They walk into the hall. Stan shrugs at Charlie. Ike crawls into her lap.

IKE: Kyle.

SHEILA: Kyle, I don't think I'm comfortable with you playing with your new friend.

KYLE: Why not?

SHEILA: Well, he's dirty and bruised… Did he get in a fight today?

KYLE: No. She came to school like that. And she's a girl, Mom.

SHEILA: Kyle, how many times have I told you to talk with me before you have a girl come to our house?

KYLE: Never. I don't think it's ever come up before.

SHEILA: Well, if that girl starts a fight or hurts any of you boys, you just come get me, all right, Kyle?

KYLE: But—


KYLE: …All right. Sure, Mom.

Sheila kisses him on his forehead.

SHEILA: That's my good little boy.

Kyle walks back into the room.

SHEILA: Keep the door open with a girl in your room, Kyle.

KYLE: Mo-om!

SHEILA: And watch Ike, all right sweetie?

KYLE: Stupid baby.

Charlie is bouncing Ike on her knees and he's giggling. He's saying "Kyle" with every bounce.

KYLE: Shut up, Ike!

CHARLIE: Your little brother's so cute, Kyle.

KYLE: You just think that 'cause you're a girl. And he's not my brother. He's adopted.

CHARLIE: I still think he's cute.

Ike crawls up to Kyle.

IKE: Brother.

KYLE: Shut up, Ike!

IKE: Don't kick the baby.

KYLE: Shut up!

CHARLIE: You're mean, Kyle. I love my little siblings.

KYLE: I bet yours aren't so goddamn annoying, then.

STAN: I hate my sister.

KYLE: EVERYONE hates your sister, Stan. She's such a b—

STAN: Shut up, Kyle!

KYLE (to the tune of "Kyle's Mom is a Bitch"): "Stan's sister is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world…"

STAN: Don't use that against me, you asshole!

CHARLIE: Jesus, shut up, you guys!

Sheila rushes into the room.

SHEILA: Did I just hear someone say the J word?

All stare at her.

IKE: Kyle.

SHEILA: This is a JEWISH household, young lady, and we NEVER say the J word. Kyle, I think it's about time for your new "friend" to go home. [She leaves the room, mumbling.] And in front of Ike too; what a terrible influence.

CHARLIE: … I'm sorry for saying the J word.

STAN: Don't worry. There's no such thing. Kyle's mom just doesn't like you.


KYLE: Sorry about that.

Charlie looks at the clock. It's 3:56.

CHARLIE: Oh no! I'm going to be late! My mom's gonna kill me!

KYLE (thinking): Kill you?

CHARLIE: I'll see you at school tomorrow, I guess. Bye!

She grabs her backpack and runs from the room.

KYLE: I think something's up.


KYLE: So… do you want to play undercover spies?

Kyle and Stan are crouching in some bushes, wearing sunglasses, and carrying fake walkie-talkies. Kyle has binoculars.

KYLE: Chht, Agent Blue, this is Agent Green. Do you read me? Over. Chht.

STAN: Chht. Agent Green, this is Agent Blue. Roger that, I read you loud and clear. Over. Chht.

KYLE: Chht. Ten-four. The target is in visibility at nine-o'clock. Over. Chht.

Charlie is walking as fast as she can in her condition away from the Broflovski house. She looks nervous. The boys are about a block behind her.

KYLE: Deploying jet-packs. Over. Chht.

The two follow her across town and across the train tracks.

STAN: Chht. Agent Green, I think it's about my turn to use the binoculars. Over. Chht.

KYLE: Chht. Negative, Agent Blue. This is my mission, so I get the binoculars. Over. Chht.

STAN [angry]: Chht. Well you look stupid, Agent Green. Over. Chht.

KYLE: Chht. Mission control, this is Agent Green, not giving a shit. Over. Chht.

STAN: Look, do you wanna fight about this?

KYLE: Fine! Whatever. Take the stupid binoculars.

STAN: Wait… Dude, where'd she go?

They scan the sidewalk, but she's gone. Suddenly they hear yelling from the front step of a house. It's the house next to Kenny's. Charlie is at the doorstep, looking down submissively before her angry mother.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: When I say four o'clock, I mean four-fucking-o'clock. Get in here!

She grabs Charlie by the front of her jacket and pulls her inside, slamming the door behind her. Stan and Kyle stare open-mouthed.

STAN: …Dude!

They run up to Kenny's door and ring the doorbell. Kenny opens the door and hiccups.

KYLE: Uh, hey Kenny. Can we use your backyard?

Kenny shrugs, and then hiccups and nods okay. They hear a toilet flush. Cartman comes up laughing.

CARTMAN: Dude, you should've seen the log I just laid. Your crappy plumbing will be backed up for weeks!

Cartman sees Stan and Kyle and frowns.

CARTMAN: Um, Kenny? Do you remember when I explicitly asked you not to invite over these assholes?

KENNY: (I didn't. They just came to the door.)

STAN: Yeah dude, we just need to do something really quick.

CARTMAN (sighing and rolling his eyes): Whatever.

Kyle and Stan, followed by Kenny and Cartman (who stays further back than the others and entertains himself with a Megaman toy), head into Kenny's backyard and crouch in the bushes between the McCormick's and the Pierzynski's. They can here shouting and slamming inside. Suddenly the back door opens up. They duck down. Ms. Pierzynski pushes Charlie outside. Charlie's nose is bleeding.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: And I swear, if that goddamned school has a reason to call me again in the middle of the day, you will live to regret it! You stay out here until I come get you, you understand?

The door slams. Charlie takes a few steps out of the view of the door, then sits down and starts to cry. Then Kenny hiccups. Charlie looks up and is horrified to see the boys. She tries to wipe off the blood onto her sleeve and hide her tears. She looks extremely nervous.

KYLE: Dude, are you okay?

Charlie looks anxiously at the door and then back at the boys. She apprehensively crawls toward them.

CHARLIE (whispering throughout this scene): What are you doing here?

KENNY: (I live here.)

CHARLIE: I know that, I meant those two.

STAN: Who cares, your mom is a psycho! Do you want us to call the police or something?

CHARLIE: No! No. Don't do that. I'm fine.

There's a pause.

STAN: You're joking, right?

CHARLIE: Listen, my mom just has a bad temper. She's really stressed out. It was my fault for being late anyway. I was supposed to be here to watch my little brother and sister.

Stan and Kyle look uneasy. Kenny hiccups.

STAN: Alright dude.

He gets up with his hands in his pockets and walks over to where Cartman is.

KYLE: …Is this where you got all the bruises and stuff?

Charlie looks down, then shrugs.

KYLE: We need to tell somebody.

CHARLIE: No! Please don't tell, Kyle! It's okay. I'm fine.

KYLE: I don't know.

CHARLIE: Promise you won't tell anyone.

Kyle doesn't say anything. Charlie punches him in the arm.

CHARLIE: Promise!

KYLE: Ow, fine! I promise.

CHARLIE: You swear? You really mean it?

KYLE: …I promise not to tell anyone.

Charlie looks calmer.

CHARLIE: Thanks, Kyle.

Kenny hiccups. Ms. Pierzynski's voice can be heard from inside.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Charlie? Charlie!

CHARLIE [to Kyle and Kenny]: Get away quick.

She crawls back over to where she was before. Kyle and Kenny duck down as the door opens.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Charlie, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I just wish you wouldn't be late all the time.

CHARLIE: I'm sorry, Mom.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: You know I love you, sweetheart.

CHARLIE: I love you too, Mom.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Now come on inside. I have work and you have to watch Beck and Davy.

The two disappear into the house. Kenny hiccups. Then they go back into Kenny's yard. Kyle naturally looks troubled. Stan walks up to him.

STAN: This is pretty fucked up right here.

KYLE: Yep.

STAN: Chht. So… what now, Agent Green? Over. Chht.

The next day at the bus stop, Cartman is once again singing "The Long and Winding Road." This goes on for a bit, and Kenny (who's looking a little pale and sickly) occasionally hiccups.

KYLE: Dammit, would you shut up, fat-ass?

Cartman starts singing louder. The other three groan and cover their ears. Charlie walks up. She looks the same as yesterday but with a swollen nose.

CHARLIE: Hi, guys.

STAN: Hi Charlie. Did your bitch mom beat you up again?

CHARLIE: Shut up! She's not a bitch! This is the bloody nose from yesterday, dumbass.

CARTMAN: I have an idea. Let's play the "bitchy moms" game. I'll go first. Kyle's mom.

KYLE: Hey, shut up, fat-ass!

CARTMAN: What was that? You want to go next? Well okay Kyle. Can you think of a bitchy mom?

Kyle and Charlie glare at him.

CARTMAN: Like, do you know any moms who force their kids to be vegetarians, or beat the living shit out of them, or anything like that?

They keep glaring. Kenny and Stan start laughing. The bus pulls up.

MS. CRABTREE: C'mon! We're runnin' late!

STAN: Hey, shut up, you fucking skank!


STAN: I said, "What's up, you lucky… tank."

MS. CRABTREE: …Oh. Not much, thanks for asking.

The kids get on the bus.

CHARLIE: Hey, did you guys see Terrance and Philip yesterday?

KENNY: (No, we were all too busy not being beaten up by our parents.) Hic.

Stan, Kenny, and Cartman laugh.

CHARLIE: Hey, shut up, you fucking… fuck face or I'm going to… I swear, I…

Her nose starts bleeding again. They continue laughing. Charlie glares and crosses her arms. Kyle, who is sitting across from her, glances around.

KYLE: Uh, Charlie?


KYLE: You know how you said you didn't want me to talk about—

CHARLIE (in an edgier tone): Yeah?

KYLE: I was wondering if you still were sure—

CHARLIE: I'm sure, Kyle. I'm absolutely sure. Remember: you promised.

KYLE: [Sigh.] Yeah.

In the classroom…

MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, take your seats now.

CARTMAN (whispering): Hey, Charlie… Guess who I am.

He punches Pip in the stomach, knocking him off his seat.

CHARLIE: Shut up, fat-ass!

MR. GARRISON: That's enough, now, children. It's time to start our oral presentations. Who wants to go first? Alright, Bebe, you're up.

Bebe walks to the front of the class.

BEBE: Ahem. This is a story of trust, of love, of betrayal… But mostly, it's the story of how I was tricked into believing that a girl was a boy, and my inner struggle throughout this experience, and after.

Charlie covers her face with her hands.

MR. GARRISON: Um, you're supposed to talk about a famous scientist from hist—

BEBE: It was a crisp fall afternoon when I entered the elementary school with a dear friend. I had just had my hair done, and it flowed to my waist in curly golden locks. When I entered the room, all of the boys gasped in astonishment at my beauty. Except for Stan, because he's Wendy's boyfriend. He gasped at astonishment at Wendy's beauty.

MR. GARRISON: Bebe, can we—

BEBE: One boy, new, whose countenance I had never before looked upon, remained unmoved by my beauty. I was intrigued, taken aback by his sullen demeanor. But all was not as it seemed.

MR. GARRISON: Okay, C minus. Take your seat Bebe.

BEBE: What? I didn't even get to finish!

MR. GARRISON: We all know what happens. Charlie is a little girl. How embarrassing. Take your seat, Bebe.

Lunchtime: the boys and Charlie stand in line in front of Chef.

CHEF: Hello, children!

KIDS: Hey, Chef.

CHEF: It's Thursday! And you all know what that means!

BOYS: Salisbury steak!

CHEF: Ha ha, that's right! [He looks at Charlie. Charlie stares back.] Hmm, I don't think I've seen you children in my cafeteria before.

KYLE: Oh, Chef, this is Charlie. She's a girl, but she's not gross.

Charlie smiles, obviously flattered.

CHEF: Nice to see you here, children. Try my delicious Salisbury steak. It's best hot.

CHARLIE: Thanks, Chef.

All of them leave but Kyle.

CHEF: Is something wrong, children?

KYLE: Chef, what would be the best thing to do if I knew someone's mom was hitting them, and hurting them really badly, but I promised that person I wouldn't tell anyone?

CHEF: Children, the best thing to do is always to talk to an adult. You should talk to Mr. Mackey, the cracker counselor. It's never a good idea to keep that kind of thing a secret.

KYLE: Thanks, Chef.

Meanwhile, at the table…

CARTMAN to Charlie: Um… What do you think you're doing?

CHARLIE: I was going to eat some Salisbury steak, if that's okay with you.

CARTMAN: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, that's fine… Why don't you go eat that… somewhere else…?


CARTMAN: Because I want you to go the fuck away from here. Sheesh. Stupid man-girl.

CHARLIE: I don't care what you want, fatso. Kyle would let me sit here.

CARTMAN: Well Kyle isn't here right now, is he?

CHARLIE: I can sit here, right Stan?

STAN: I don't wanna get in the middle of this.

CHARLIE: …Kenny?


CHARLIE: Fine. I don't need to sit here. I can go sit with… [She stares blankly at the rest of the student body.] (Incoherent mumbling.)

Charlie walks up to the girls' table. Wendy and Bebe glare at her and look away. Charlie sighs, then goes to sit with Butters.

BUTTERS: Uh, hey there.


BUTTERS: You wanna see my super-cool comic book I made? It's called, "Butter-Man and the Invasion of the Bad Guys."

Charlie doesn't say anything.

Meanwhile, Kyle returns to the boys' table.

KYLE: Dude, where'd Charlie go?

STAN: Cartman told her to take her shit somewhere else.

KYLE: What? Why the hell'd you do that, you jerk?

CARTMAN: Because, I hate her almost as much as I hate your people, Kyle.

KYLE: You suck.

CARTMAN: "Kyle and Charlie sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-"

KYLE: Shut up! Shut up, Cartman!

CARTMAN (singing): I've waited all my life for you, and now you're here

KYLE: Damn it! Shut up!

Back to Butters and Charlie…

BUTTERS: Okay, see, I drew all the pictures and everything. I didn't staple it, 'cause my mom says I'm going to staple my fingers instead of the paper. So I just taped it together instead.

Charlie looks at the comic book. There are stick figures and illegible dialogue bubbles.

CHARLIE: It's… nice, Butters.

Butters looks thrilled.

BUTTERS: You really think so?

CHARLIE: Sure. I mean, it's got… pictures, and characters, and… those look like words, and a story… All the necessary elements for a decent comic book. All right there.

BUTTERS: Aw, shucks, you're the nicest, Charlie. Eric said it was a stupid pile of baby turds.

CHARLIE: He was probably just jealous of all that raw talent. I mean, who wouldn't be?

BUTTERS (tearing up): Charlie… you… that's the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me.

Kyle comes up and sits with them. He looks pissed.

KYLE: Cartman's a smelly pig-ass.

CHARLIE: Yeah, I know.

BUTTERS: Hey Kyle, wanna see my comic book? Charlie says it's "nice," and that I have "raw talent."

Kyle flips through the book. He looks up at Butters, who is smiling eagerly. He looks at Charlie. She smiles and shrugs.

KYLE: Yep, it's definitely nice, all right.

BUTTERS: Whoopee! This is the best day of my life.

Charlie keeps smiling at Kyle. Kyle smiles back nervously.

Kyle sits with Mr. Mackey in the counseling office.

MR. MACKEY: So, what exactly is it that you wanted to talk about, Kyle? Is everything okay?

KYLE: Yeah… Well, with me, I mean. I kind of wanted to talk with you about someone else.

MR. MACKEY: Well you can tell me anything, m'kay?

KYLE: Yeah. It's about Charlie Pierzynski.

MR. MACKEY: Oh, the new girl in your class?

KYLE: Yeah. Um, I saw her yesterday after school, and… well, I saw her mom hitting her and yelling at her. I'm pretty sure it's her mom who gave her all her bruises.

MR. MACKEY: Thank goodness you told me, Kyle. Telling an adult is always the right thing to do, m'kay? I promise, I'll do everything I can to deal with this issue and help little Charlie.

KYLE: Um, Mr. Mackey?

MR. MACKEY: Yes, Kyle?

KYLE: Could you promise not to tell Charlie that I told you?

MR. MACKEY: Of course, Kyle. Confidentiality is our only policy, m'kay?

KYLE: …M'kay.

On the bus on the way home, Kenny looks pale and tired. He's hiccupping almost constantly now. Kyle and Stan sit with each other and Charlie sits with Kenny behind them. Cartman is sitting nearby by himself.

CHARLIE: Wow, Kenny, you don't look so good.

Kenny, completely detached from reality, just hiccups.

CHARLIE: Guys, I think Kenny's real sick.

STAN: Yeah. He's probably gonna die soon.


STAN: Yeah, he does it all the time. No one really cares anymore.

KENNY (angrily): (You guys are assholes!) Hic.

CARTMAN: Hey, guys… Guess who I am. [He punches Kenny from across the aisle.] "Hey, you dumb-ass kid! I'm gonna beat the shit out of you! Go… play with a doll, you stupid girl!"

This time, all four of the others glare at him. The bus stops, and the five get off. Kenny hiccups.

CARTMAN: Well, screw you guys, I'm going home.

He walks away. Kenny hiccups, then vomits and collapses.

CHARLIE: Jeez! Are you okay?

Kenny slowly gets back to his feet. He nods, then hiccups. Then the bus pulls back.

MS. CRABTREE: Hey, you forgot your medieval armaments on the bus again!

She throws a heap of chains, swords, maces, etc. on top of Kenny and drives away. Blood seeps out from under the pile.

STAN: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

KYLE: You bastard!

There's a pause as Stan and Kyle look at the bloody heap. Charlie does too, but open-mouthed and horrified.

CHARLIE: Oh my God! He's dead!

STAN: Yep. Told you.

CHARLIE: …Oh my God!

Kyle approaches Charlie.

KYLE: Um, Charlie? Do you want to come over to my house?

CHARLIE: I think I'd better get home early today. I don't want to get in trouble again.

KYLE: Oh… yeah, okay.

CHARLIE: But Kyle?

KYLE: Yeah?

CHARLIE: Thanks for keeping my secret. I know you just wanted to help, but telling would have probably just caused problems.

KYLE: Oh. Uh… you're welcome.

Charlie walks away. Kyle looks worried.

Outside of the McCormick and Pierzynski houses, Charlie walks up to her front door. Before she can open it, her mother does.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: You had better have an answer for me!


Ms. PIERZYNSKI: Don't get smart with me, you little skank! Who were you complaining about my parenting to, huh? Your little friend the school guidance counselor? You are going to live to regret this, you mark my words.

She grabs Charlie drags her into the house. The sounds of shouting and muffled cries are heard. Then screaming, then silence.

Ms. PIERZYNSKI: …Charlie? …Get up, honey. Charlie? …Charlotte, you get up. Stop pretending. …Oh God.

Ms. Pierzynski runs out of her front door. Mrs. McCormick comes out of her house at the same time.

Mrs. McCORMICK: You keep that little demon of yours quiet, you hear me? One more screamin' fit and I'm calling the police!

Ms. Pierzynski just runs away from the houses.

Kyle walks up to the Pierzynski house. He knocks on the door once, and it opens by itself. Kyle looks around nervously, then walks in.

KYLE: Uh… Um, hello? Is anybody here?

Kyle walks further into the house. The lights are all of. It's a mess.

KYLE: …Charlie?

BECCA: She's sleeping.

Kyle yelps, startled. A little girl, about four or five, comes out of the shadows.

KYLE: …Who are you?

BECCA: I'm Becca Rezinski. Charlie is sleeping.

Kyle stares at her, then walks further into the house. A baby is crying in a crib in the main room.

KYLE: Charlie?

He reaches the bathroom and sees Charlie lying unconscious on the floor. She's covered in blood and vomit. Kyle covers his mouth, horrified.

BECCA: Do we get pizza tonight?