"Girl Scout Cookies"
NOTE: I do not own South Park, but I wish I did. This piece is written in the form of a script. It includes the original characters Charlie and Becca Pierzynski (see "The Charlie Arc" for more details). It's rated T for language only. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled.
Part 1. Thin Mints
ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY PROJECT B...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
Cartman, his mom, and Becca are at South Park Food Mart, going down the snack food aisle. Becca sits in the shopping cart. Cartman grabs all the different items he wants.
Cartman: Ooh, Twinkies! We're getting low on those… [He grabs three boxes.] And Doritos… I want Nacho Cheese, and Ranch, and Sour Cream…
Ms. Cartman: Now, Eric, we can't buy all of these things. Why don't you pick your favorite flavor?
Cartman: But Moo-oom! I like Nacho Cheese and Ranch and Sour Cream equally!
Ms. Cartman: Oh, all right, pumpkin.
Cartman: Oh! Oh Mom! Oh Mom, Mom! Can I get some Skittles?
Ms. Cartman: But you've already picked out your candies for today, snookum.
Cartman: But Mooo-oom! I want to taste the rainbow! I need Skittles to taste the rainbow!
Ms. Cartman: Well, okay, Eric. But no more junk food today!
Cartman tosses a few bags of Skittles into the cart.
Becca: I like Oreos.
Cartman: Mom! Did you hear that? Becca wants Oreos! Can we get Oreos for Becca, please?
Ms. Cartman: Sure, sweetie-poo.
Cartman: Sweet. [He adds Oreos to the cart.]
They reach the end of the aisle. As they turn to go down the next aisle, Cartman sees Charlie in a blue apron, mopping the floor. He looks baffled. Charlie looks up and sees them.
Charlie: Oh, hi, Cartman. Hi, Ms. Cartman; hi Becca.
Becca: Hi Charlie!
Cartman: Um, what are you doing?
Charlie: Oh, I'm mopping. It's how you clean the floor.
Cartman: I know, smart-ass. I mean what are you doing here?
Cartman: Working? Like, as in a job?
Charlie: Yeah, that kind of work.
Cartman pauses for a moment, then starts laughing.
Cartman: Dude, that sucks ass! That's the lamest thing I ever heard.
Charlie (scowling): Go away, Cartman. We at South Park Food Mart appreciate your business and hope to see you again soon.
They head down the next aisle.
Becca: Bye-bye, Charlie.
Charlie (calling after them): We'll see how lame it is once I'm paid my $5.50 an hour!
Cartman: Mom, can we get some Thin Mints from the Girl Scouts outside?
Ms. Cartman: Eric, dear, I said no more junk food today.
Cartman: Mooo-ooom! It's not for me, it's for Becca! Becca wants more Thin Mints! Right, Becca? Do you want Thin Mints?
Ms. Cartman: Oh, all right. Two boxes of Thin Mints, but that's all.
Cartman and Becca: Hooray!
They go to the checkout line. The cashier swipes their items.
Cartman (singing/chanting): I'm gon' to have some Thin Mints! I'm gon' to have some Thin Mints!
Once they're checked out, he runs outside, smiling. Once he's outside, he stops. There is a table by the exit, but no Girl Scouts and no Girl Scout cookies.
Ms. Cartman (just coming outside now): Yes, dear?
Cartman: Why aren't the Girl Scouts here?
Ms. Cartman: Oh dear. It looks like Girl Scout cookie season is over, sweetheart.
Cartman: Wha-? Over?
Ms. Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid there will be no more Girl Scout cookies until next year, sweetums.
Cartman (gasping for breath): No—No more—No—til next year?
Ms. Cartman: I'm afraid not, pumpkin. Every year the Girl Scouts sell their cookies for a month or two, then they pack up and stop selling them until the next year.
Cartman stares at her with an expression of horror.
Cartman: No… more… [bursts into a rage] THIN MINTS! NOOOO!
He runs at the table and starts beating and kicking it. His mother drags him away. Becca stares on the whole time without saying anything.
That night, Cartman lies asleep in bed, tossing and turning and mumbling to himself.
Cartman: No… Thin Mints… No…
Cartman dreams that he is falling, surrounded by giant Thin Mints.
Cartman: Yes! Yes! Thin Mints! Yes!
He lands in a mountain of Thin Mints. He laughs and tosses them in the air. He picks one up and tries to eat it, but as soon as it gets near his mouth, it disappears and he bites into the air. He frowns and tries another one. The same thing happens. He makes several attempts, getting more frustrated each time, but to no avail. Suddenly, several giant Girl Scouts appear around him, standing around him in a circle.
Girl Scout 1: You can't eat that! Girl Scout cookie season is over!
Cartman: No! …B-but, that's not fair!
Girl Scout 2: Only Girl Scouts can have Girl Scout cookies on the off-season.
They grab giant Thin Mints out of the air and start to eat them.
Cartman: No! Nooo!
Cartman wakes up.
Cartman: I need Thin Mints.
The next day, Charlie rings the doorbell of the Cartman home. She's got a piece of paper in her hand.
Cartman: Mom, I've got it! Don't get the door! I've got it, Mom!
Ms. Cartman (in bed with a joint): Thanks, boopkins!
Cartman opens the door. Charlie stands on the step, staring at him with a somewhat confused expression.
Charlie: Uh, I got this note. It said to meet here at 3:30.
Cartman: Yes, come in, come in. [Charlie walks in and Cartman closes the door behind her.] Why don't you take a seat on the couch? Can I offer you any refreshments? Some Oreos, perhaps?
Charlie: Uh, sure, I guess.
Cartman goes into the kitchen and pulls out some Oreos from the pantry.
Cartman: Would you like a glass of milk with your Oreos?
Charlie stares blankly in the direction of the kitchen.
Charlie: What do you want, Cartman?
Cartman (chuckling): Oh, Charlie. Does a person have to "want" something to ask his friend to visit and offer her some delicious Double Stuf Oreo cookies? Maybe I just like hanging out with you. You know. We're pals, right? [He emerges from the kitchen with a plate of Oreos and a glass of milk.] Amigos, as they say in Quebec.
He hands Charlie the cookies and glass. Charlie looks over the glass from the top, then peeks underneath it.
Charlie: Did you spit in my milk or something? You did, didn't you?
Cartman (sighing): You know what? Fuck this. [He takes away the glass and plate. Charlie looks uncertain.] I'm tryin' to be nice, and…
He walks them into the kitchen and comes back.
Charlie: Wait, I still wanted the—
Cartman: Okay, I'll cut the crap and get down to business. [He stands directly in front of her.] Congratulations. I am offering you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to join me in a business venture. I am in the planning stages of an entrepreneurial project, and I can't do it alone. [He hands her a clipboard with a stack of papers.] My plan is to acquire large quantities of my product for low prices and sell them directly to consumers. As you can see on Charts 1a and 1b, I expect a high demand and large margin of profit for this product.
Charlie: What exactly is the product?
Cartman: Girl Scout cookies.
Charlie: Don't the Girl Scouts sell those?
Cartman: As I explain in Section 3c, page seven, the Girl Scouts only sell their product for six weeks a year. Based on their sales in this short timeframe, coupled with the undeniable deliciousness of the products, I can guarantee that this venture will be profitable. People will buy these cookies, Charlie.
Charlie: So what do you need me for?
Cartman: Well, first of all, I'm going to need someone to do the book-keeping, because shit if I'm doing that. Second, and more importantly, I need an undercover worker with intelligence, spunk, and female genitalia to infiltrate the Girl Scouts and facilitate the acquisition of the cookies. And that's where you come in.
Charlie: So… you don't actually have the cookies.
Cartman: I think you mean I don't have the cookies YET. [He jumps up on the couch next to Charlie and flips to a page on the clipboard.] As you can see here, cookies are produced year-round and stored in special facilities around the country. As a Girl Scout, your mission (should you choose to accept it) would be to gain access to one of these facilities.
Charlie: And why do I have to be a Girl Scout to do this?
Cartman: Ah, you're a quick one, I see. [He pats her on the head. She glares at him.] You see, Girl Scout cookies must be purchased and sold in the name of the Girl Scouts of America. If you were an official member of the Girl Scouts, we could buy the cookies from the storage facility and sell them to people on the off-season, and, technically, it would be legal. We'd start a bank account in your name to do all the transactions and just rake in the dough.
Charlie: You're sure that it's legal?
Charlie: Because I'm not a dumb-ass, Cartman. If we did all our business in my name, I would end up taking the fall if things, you know… went sour.
Cartman: It's clean. Page 10, Section 5a. Straight off of the Girl Scout website.
Charlie flips a few pages and reads a bit.
Charlie: Okay. So what's in it for me?
Cartman: Okay, so I want you to know that I'm making you a really generous offer here: I'll cut you in at twenty-five percent of the profit.
Charlie: Twenty-five percent… [Thinking…]
Charlie: Make it thirty. If I've got to join the goddamn Girl Scouts, make it thirty.
Cartman: I said non-negotiable, damn it!
Charlie: Make it thirty, or I walk.
Cartman: Fine, go ahead. There are plenty of other potential candidates for this position if you don't want it.
Charlie: Seriously, Cartman. Who else could you possibly get to do this?
Cartman: I said non-negotiable!
Charlie: I called your bluff. Make it thirty.
Cartman: Fine! Fine. [He sighs.] Give me that. [He takes the clipboard and flips to one of the last pages.] Great, now I have to change the terms of the contract… [He scribbles a bit, then hands the clipboard back to her.] Now, if you'll just sign here, we'll be ready for business.
Charlie hesitates for a moment, scanning over the contents of the contract.
Charlie: Hey, what's that about me giving twenty percent of my income to "the company" in taxes?
Cartman (laughing nervously): Oh… Heh, heh, yeah… That's… that's just a little joke. I'll just… I'll just cross that out, then.
He crosses something off on the contract. Charlie looks at him suspiciously, then starts to apparently read through the contract more carefully.
Cartman: You'll notice that in Article II there's a confidentiality clause. You will be expected to keep quiet about company business around non-employees.
Charlie (reading): "Especially Stan and Kyle." Why?
Cartman: Because I hate those guys and they're greedy sons-of-bitches. They are not welcome to participate in my company, and if you go yammering to them with your flappy little girly trap, they're going to want a piece of the pie. Metaphorically speaking.
Charlie: My flappy little girly trap?
Cartman: Yeah. I know how you lady-types are; always gossiping and sharing secrets and the like. That's all fine and well in the private sector, but I cannot permit it when it involves the company's intellectual and fiscal propertah.
Charlie skims through the contract a bit more. She holds up the pen, ready to sign, but she hesitates.
Cartman: Go ahead, Charlie. Money and Thin Mints await you.
Charlie hesitates a moment longer, then she signs. Cartman smiles and extends a hand.
Cartman: Welcome to the club, sister.
Charlie smiles and shakes his hand.