"Girl Scout Cookies"
Part 3. The Girl Scout Law
A few days later, Cartman is sitting in the basement in a business suit with a headset on and a telephone nearby, eating a plate of Thin Mints. He has a pad of paper in front of him and he appears to be speaking to a client.
Cartman: So can I put you down for a case of Thin Mints and five boxes of Samoas?...Thank you, Ms. Jenkins; it's been a pleasure doing business with you.
He pushes a button on the phone to end the call and writes down the order while he grabs another Thin Mint. He then hears the sound of the basement door opening. As Charlie walks down the stairs in her Girl Scout uniform, Cartman grabs the remaining cookies and shoves them in his mouth, hiding them from her.
Charlie: The table is doing great. We sold out already. How is—
She stares in mixed confusion and disgust as Cartman attempts to swallow his mouthful of cookies. After a moment she walks past him and picks up his notepad. She scans his entries.
Charlie: Wow, we should be about $200 in the black already!
The phone rings. Cartman answers it, but his mouth is still full.
Cartman (indiscernibly): Hello?
Charlie: Give me that. [She snatches the headset and puts it on.] Hello, you've reached the sales department of GSCV Company, please hold. [She taps a button on the phone. Her next comment is directed at Cartman.] At least try to pretend you're not a disgusting pig around the customers. [She presses the button again.] Thank you for holding. This is Charlie. How may I help you?
A few days later, Charlie walks up to Stan as he sits on the couch watching TV. She's hiding something behind her back.
Charlie: Hey, Stan.
Stan: Oh, hi. What's up?
Charlie: I got you something.
She pulls out an action figure, brand new, in the box, from behind her back.
Stan: Cool! What's this for?
Charlie: It's because I broke your old G.I. Joe awhile ago. I felt bad so I got you a new one.
Stan: Wow, thanks! But isn't this, like, twenty-five dollars or something?
Charlie: Yeah. I also taped ten dollars to the back of the box in case there were still any hard feelings. I've gotta go. Bye.
Stan stares at her as she walks away. He then goes to the next room and picks up the phone to call Kyle.
Stan: Dude, did Charlie say anything to you about robbing a bank?
Stan: She just gave me a twenty five dollar toy with ten dollars taped to the back of the box.
Kyle: Wait, there was money-? Holy shit! There's fifteen dollars taped to the bottom of the Scrabble game she just gave me!
Just then, Kenny runs up to Stan, looking excited.
Stan: Oh, hey Kenny.
Kenny: (I found thirty dollars in the pocket of the coat Charlie just bought me! I'm fucking rich, dude!)
Stan to Kyle: Kenny says he found thirty dollars in the pocket of a coat Charlie bought him.
Kyle: Hey, how come he gets more money than us?
Stan: Probably 'cause he's poor. Right, Kenny?
Kyle: Well… I guess we shouldn't complain about it.
Stan: Yeah, probably not. I just thought it was weird. Bye.
Stan hangs up and looks at Kenny.
Kenny: (I fucking love that bitch.)
Later, Stan, Kenny, and Kyle are hanging out at the Marsh house, watching TV. Charlie walks by.
Kyle: Hi Charlie. Do you want to watch Terrance and Phillip with us?
Charlie: Sorry, I can't. I'm going over to Cartman's house.
Kyle: Cartman's house? Again?
Charlie: Yep. Bye.
She exits the house.
Stan: Wow, Charlie and Cartman sure have been hanging out a lot lately. I kind of thought they hated each other.
Kyle: Me too. I wonder what they're doing over there.
Kenny: (Maybe they're friends with benefits.)
Kenny: (You know; fuck-buddies.)
Stan: Ack, sick, dude.
Kyle: Ha! Could you imagine if Cartman and Charlie were secretly dating? It'd be hilarious, but it's a realistic impossibility.
They all start laughing. Then their laughter gets drier until they're just frowning. They glance at each other.
Charlie enters the Cartman residence without knocking.
Charlie: Okay, so I—Holy shit!
Cartman is stuffing his face with Thin Mints. Several empty boxes lie on the floor. Charlie looks completely aghast.
Cartman (with his mouth full): What?
Charlie: You're eating our profit, Cartman! [She starts flipping through papers in her backpack.] This is why I've been finding those discrepancies in our Thin Mint purchases and sales.
Charlie: Dude, we spend money to buy the cookies. If we don't sell the cookies, we lose money!
Cartman: …So? It's just a couple boxes.
Charlie: How many boxes have you eaten, Cartman?
Cartman: Three; look, you can count to three, right? One, two, three.
Charlie: Yeah, and before this?
Cartman: Uh, I dunno… Some…
Charlie (shouting and waving her arms): Gah! No wonder we aren't turning the profit we expected! You fat fuck! Do you know what you're doing? You're eating money, Cartman! You're eating my money! Jesus Christ!
Meanwhile, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are watching them through the window, standing in the bushes in the front yard.
Stan: Dude, what's going on in there?
Kenny: (I dunno, but she looks pissed.)
Charlie: If you want to eat your own money, fine, but you can't eat mine!
Cartman: What do you mean?
Charlie: If you're going to be eating the product, then I want a larger share of the profit.
Cartman: [He swallows the last bites of cookie.] What?
Charlie: I want forty percent!
Cartman: You can't just talk to me about that! As per Article IV, Section B of your contract, all contractual negotiations must be presented to the president in writing.
Charlie: Cartman, I am not going to write you any FUCKING letter about this when you can hear me right now! This is what you get for being fat and impulsive. You give me my forty percent, or I walk!
Cartman: Oh yeah? Well as per Article V, Section A of your contract, you are legally bound to continue employment until the contract expires in six months or your employment is terminated by your employer, you stupid talking vagina!
Charlie: Oh yeah? Because it looks to me like this contract was never notarized by a lawyer, and therefore isn't legally binding, jackass!
Cartman [in low voice]: Holy son of a bitch. [Back to loud volume.] Fine! I'll give you your damn forty percent, you stupid talking pair of yonkers.
Charlie: Hey! Don't you dare objectify or sexualize me, you fucking prick!
Cartman: Oh, so it's okay when YOU do it, then? Fine, I wouldn't expect anything different from a GIANT TALKING UTERUS!
Charlie: UP YOURS, CARTMAN!
Stan: Well, I guess that solves that. She comes over here to fight with him.
Kyle: That's a relief. Let's go play kickball.
They all get up and walk away.
Charlie is at a Girl Scout meeting at Bebe's house. The girls and Bebe's mom sit in chairs in a circle again. Charlie is slouching in her chair and staring straight ahead with an expression of extreme boredom.
Heidi: …So I finally decided that I thought Craig was cuter than Clyde. But then the next day, Clyde was wearing this new hat and it made his hair look different and it looked really cute—
Red/Bebe: Oh, I remember that!
Heidi: -So now I'm not sure anymore. But I guess, if I had to choose, I'd say Clyde.
Kal: I think Clyde is definitely cuter than Craig. Craig has weird looking freckles.
Wendy: See, I think Craig's freckles make him look cute.
Millie: Me too. I think Craig's the cutest boy in class.
Most of the girls: Oooh!
Bebe: Do you have a crush on Craig?
The girls squeal. Charlie continues staring listlessly ahead.
Bebe's mom: What do you think, Charlie? You're the only girl who hasn't weighed in yet on the "Clyde vs. Craig" debate.
Charlie: I don't know.
Bebe (whispering): See? I told you she was a lesbian.
Charlie: Hey, I am not!
Wendy: Then who do you think is cuter?
Charlie: I don't know. Craig, I guess.
Millie: You can't have him! He's mine!
Bebe's mom: Well, this was a close one but… [She stands up. There is a chalkboard behind her with the names "Craig" and "Clyde" with tallies next to them. She marks another tally next to Craig's name] …Craig beats out Clyde at 5 votes to 4! Now for our next order of business. [She erases the chalk board then writes the names Token and Kenny.] Token vs. Kenny: Who is cuter?
The Girl Scout meeting is over and the girls are leaving. As Charlie leaves, Bebe's mom stops her at the door.
Bebe's mom: How is your sewing badge coming along, Charlie?
Charlie: Oh, I don't know… badly, I guess.
Bebe's mom: Well, since you aren't working at the Food Mart anymore, you really should come to our sewing circle on Tuesdays.
Charlie: Oh, I don't—Wait. How did you know I wasn't working anymore?
Bebe's mom: Well, dear, I was very concerned when you told me you were doing menial labor for below minimum wage at that eccentric old man's shop. I made a few phone calls to make sure you wouldn't be exploited anymore.
Charlie: I wasn't being exploited! I was getting paid! And I didn't care that the job was "menial"!
Bebe's mom: I was acting in your best interest, dear. I'll see you on Tuesday for the sewing circle.
Charlie (walking away, talking under her breath): Fat chance. Bitch.
After Charlie gets into a car with Mrs. Marsh, Bebe's mom gets out her cell phone.
Bebe's mom: Harry? It's Elise. I've got a Scout you might want to keep an eye on.
Later that same day, Cartman and Charlie are in a screaming match in the basement.
Cartman: STOP YELLING AT ME. I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THIS COMPANY AND YOU'LL STOP YELLING AT ME, OR I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL SEND YOU IN THE KITCHEN TO BAKE THESE DAMN COOKIES YOURSELF.
Charlie: I'm not FUCKING yelling at you, fat-ass! I just think that [*] "We Whore Ourselves with Cookies" IS A STUPID SLOGAN FOR A COMPANY THAT SELLS GIRL SCOUT FUCKING COOKIES! CARTMAN! SHUT UP!
[*] Cartman (singing over Charlie): La-la-la-la, I can't hear you because I'm SINGING! I'M SINGING OUR NEW JINGLE! "GSCV COMPANY: WE WHORE OURSELVES WITH COOKIES!"
Charlie: I SWEAR TO GOD! YOU WILL SHUT THE HELL UP OR I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUTS SO HARD YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL FEEL IT!
Cartman: I WILL NOT STAND HERE AND TAKE THIS FROM SOME SKANKY LITTLE BITCH! I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THIS COMPANY, AND YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!
Ms. Cartman (calling from upstairs): I'm ordering pizza! What toppings would you kids like?
Charlie (at the same time): SAUSAGE!
They glare at each other.
Cartman: WE WANT PEPPERONI, MOM!
Charlie: NO WE DON'T! [*] WE WANT SAUSAGE BECAUSE PEPPERONI TASTES LIKE VOMIT! IT'S LIKE EATING PIZZA AFTER SOMEONE VOMITS ON IT! WE WANT SAUSAGE!
[*] Cartman (yelling over her): PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI! PEPPERONI!
There's a pause.
Ms. Cartman: Okay, I'm ordering one sausage and one pepperoni. Would you kids like any breadsticks to go with it?
Charlie: MAKE SURE TO GET A FEW DOZEN EXTRA FOR TUBBY!
Ms. Cartman: Alright, dears. Have fun.
There's a pause for a moment.
Charlie: You idiot. I bet you're the result of a failed abortion.
Cartman: I am not, you hippie lump of shit! And you're not one to talk! Your mom tried to kill you eight years after you were born!
Charlie: That's it! Once the rest of these cookies are sold, I quit!
The phone rings. They both grab for the headset, but Cartman gets it first.
Cartman: Hello, you've reached the sales department of the GSCV Company. Please hold. [To Charlie.] Well, fuck you, you little asswipe! I don't care! [To customer.] Hello? Hello, sir? Son of a bitch, he hung up on me.
Charlie: That's because you never pressed hold, shit-brain.
Cartman: Goddamn it! [He sighs.] This is my fault. This is totally my fault. I have no idea why I thought this would work. You are the most ANNOYING, [*] SELF-RIGHTEOUS BITCH I EVER—
[*] Charlie (at the same time): Don't even get me started—
They both stop mid-sentence and look down in surprise. Becca stands at the bottom of the basement stairs, hugging Mr. Bananapants and teary-eyed.
Becca: Stop fighting. Why are you always fighting?
Charlie: Becca, go upstairs.
Becca: No, Charlie! I can hear you from upstairs. You keep shouting and swearing and being mean to each other. Why do you have to be mean to each other? You're my big sister and you're my big brother. You're both my family. And I don't want my family to fight anymore.
Cartman: Oh, you are SO doing that on purpose! Stop it with the goo-goo eyes! It's not working, Becca!
Charlie: And Cartman is not your brother! He's not family!
Becca: I love you, Charlie. But I love Eric too. Since you and Mommy have been gone, Eric reads me bedtime stories and plays with me. He's silly and he's my new brother, whether you like it or not!
Charlie to Cartman: You… read her bedtime stories?
Cartman (embarrassed): Pffh. Just, you know… just to get her to leave me alone.
Charlie: Awww! That's so sweet!
Cartman: Hey, don't get all mushy and girly on me all of a sudden, jerk.
Charlie (hugging Becca, who is smiling at Cartman): And you called me a jerk instead of a skanky bitch or a talking vagina because Becca's listening!
Cartman (crossing his arms and looking away): Maybe.
Becca: Are you guys done fighting now?
Charlie: Yeah. We're done fighting.
Becca hugs Charlie with one arm and Cartman with the other. Just then, the fluorescent glow of a spotlight glares through the high-set basement window and the whirring of a helicopter can be heard outside.
Voice in Megaphone: We have the house surrounded! Exit through the front door with your hands and face visible! Do not attempt to escape!
Charlie: Oh, shit!
Charlie, Cartman, Becca, and Ms. Cartman all exit through the front door with their hands up. Three SWAT team members rush over and tackle Charlie to the ground.
SWAT guy: Don't resist; you'll just make it harder on yourself.
Charlie is cuffed and put in a police car and driven away. The others look confused.
Lieutenant: Are you folks alright?
Ms. Cartman: Yes, I think so.
Becca: Why did they arrest Charlie?
The lieutenant bends down on one knee and puts a hand on Becca's shoulder.
Lieutenant: Little Charlie Pierzynski has committed a grave offense. By refusing to submit to the will of this young man [points to Cartman] she failed to respect the patriarchal authority.
Becca: …What does that mean?
Lieutenant: I'm afraid Charlie broke the Girl Scout law.
Dramatic "dun dun dun dunnnnn" music.
It's late. Stan and Kyle are watching the news at the Marsh house.
Newscaster: In local news, a house fire has been extinguished on the west side of South Park. [They show images of the McCormick house on fire.] Apparently, the house went up in flames after an accident in the backyard meth lab. Although the house remains intact, nine-year-old Kenneth McCormick tragically died when, after escaping the home unharmed, he suddenly ran back inside. His last words were allegedly, "Oh shit. I had thirty dollars in my coat pocket," before he succumbed to a number of third degree burns and smoke inhalation.
Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Newscaster: In other news, South Park's oldest goat, Maybelline, turned twenty-one on Saturday...
Mrs. Marsh walks into the house, followed by a visibly shaken Charlie.
Kyle to Charlie: Dude, how was getting arrested?
Charlie: It was a bundle of laughs, Kyle. Thanks for asking.
Stan: What did you do?
Charlie: I didn't respect Cartman's authoritah.
Stan and Kyle glance at each other.
Charlie: I broke the Girl Scout Law. I broke the Girl Scout Law and I got tackled to the ground by three heavily-armed 200-lb SWAT team men.
Kyle: I guess they take the Girl Scout Law very seriously.
Charlie: I got to choose between eight months at a Girl Scout detention camp and quitting the Girl Scouts.
Stan: I'm assuming you quit?
Charlie: I had to burn the hat and sash.
Charlie: And the clothes I was wearing under them.
Kyle: Sorry you had to quit the Girl Scouts.
Charlie: Are you kidding me? Girl Scouts suck ass. Plus, now I don't have to hang out with Cartman all the time anymore either.
Stan: What does that-?
Charlie: It's a long story. I'm just glad I can hang out with my real friends again.
Kyle: She's talking about us, retard.
Stan: Oh, okay.
Charlie sits down on the couch in between them.
Charlie: I'm sorry for ditching you guys for the past few weeks.
Kyle: It's okay. Just don't ever give us reason to think you might be secretly dating Cartman again.