"Elephant Balls"

NOTE: I don't own South Park, but I wish I did. This piece is written in the form of a script. It includes the original characters Charlie and Becca Pierzynski (see "The Charlie Arc" for more details), and it takes place in the spring of third grade. It's rated T for language and mild sexual references. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. Mr. Garrison speaks Mr. Hat's lines.

Part 1. Scrotal Elephantitis is Not a Joke


The kids are in their classroom, looking extremely distracted. Mr. Garrison stands at the board, which has drawings of a carrot, a potato, a tomato, an ear of corn, and a stalk of celery. Mr. Garrison has Mr. Hat on one hand and his other hand is holding his groin.

Mr. Garrison: …So that's how you can tell a fruit from a vegetable. Are there any questions? Yes, Clyde?

Clyde: Is a pumpkin a fruit or a vegetable?

Mr. Garrison: Yes.

Clyde stares at him. Mr. Garrison begins to erase the board.

Mr. Garrison: So for tonight's homework, I want you all to go home and write a short essay—

Class: Aw…

Mr. Garrison: -on how to tell the difference between a fruit and a vegetable and why healthy food always tastes like garbage.

Stan: But Mr. Garrison, we wrote an essay last night, and—

Mr. Garrison: [Sharply] I don't want to hear any complaints! Now get out of here, my balls are killing me!

The kids get out of their desks and leave the classroom. Mr. Garrison closes his eyes and winces.

Mr. Garrison: …Owww…

Mr. Garrison hurries to the bathroom as the kids are leaving school. He steps into a stall and pulls down his pants and looks down- he appears to be examining something.

Mr. Garrison: Sweet baby Jesus.

Mr. Hat: I really think you should see a doctor about that, Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison: [Sigh.] You're probably right, Mr. Hat.

The four boys and Charlie get off the bus and start walking toward their homes.

Stan: Jeez, I wish Mr. Garrison didn't have to be such a douche.

Kyle: I know! I can't believe we have to write another dumb essay.

Cartman: Especially on fruit and vegetables. That's hella lame.

Kyle: Yeah, especially for you, Cartman. I bet you've never even eaten a vegetable before.

Cartman: Yeah-huh, I've had corn on the cob. And French fries count as vegetables now too. Hooray for the Supreme Court!

Charlie: I don't know what I'm going to write. I wasn't paying attention all day 'cause Mr. Garrison kept holding onto his wiener. It was very distracting.

Stan: Yeah, that was weird. Do you think he had to go to the bathroom or something?

Kenny: (Maybe he was jacking off in class.)

Kyle: Well, do you guys want to go to my house and work on our essays?

Cartman: We could do that. Or we could go to my house and watch TV.

Stan: Sounds good.

Cartman: Except not Charlie, because she's a pussy little girl.

Charlie: Aw…

Stan: Fuck you, Cartman. Charlie can come if she wants.

Cartman: No she can't, damn it!

At Cartman's house, Cartman, Stan, and Kyle sit on the couch while Kenny and Charlie sit on the ground. They are watching TV. Cartman has his arms crossed and is scowling.

Cartman: Sometimes I feel like nobody actually cares what I want.

Stan: That's 'cause we don't.

Cartman: [Sigh.] I hate you guys.

Becca skips into the room, followed by Ms. Cartman. Becca holds Mr. Bananapants (her stuffed monkey) under her arm and a few letters in her hands.

Becca: Hello Kenny! Hello Eric! Hi Charlie! Hello Kyle and Stan!

Charlie: Hey Beck.

Ms. Cartman: Next Sunday is little Becca's birthday.

Stan: [Not looking away from the TV] That's nice.

Becca: I'm having a party. It's monkey-themed. [She begins to distribute invitations.] You are all invited.

Ms. Cartman: Kyle, Kenny, if your little siblings would like to come, they are invited too.

Becca: We're going to play "hot banana" and "pin-the-tail-on-the-monkey." It will be awesome.

Ms. Cartman walks out of the room. Becca sits down next to Kenny and smiles at him.

Becca: I really just want you to come to my birthday party, Kenny. I don't care if anybody else comes, as long as you do.

Kenny scoots a few inches away from her.

Cartman: Uh-oh, looks like Becca's got a boner for Kenny.

Charlie: Hey, watch your mouth around my sister, smart-ass!

Becca scoots closer to Kenny again.

Stan: Hey, watch it around Kenny, Becca. He's a heartbreaker.

Cartman: He treats women like disposable tissues. He'll use you, then he'll just throw you away.

Kyle: He's just after some easy tail.

Stan: What's "tail"?

Kyle: I dunno, but Kenny says girls have it, and he wants it.

Charlie: Knock it off guys. She's five.

Becca: I'm still four 'til next Sunday.

She leans against Kenny, still staring up at him and smiling. Kenny looks uncomfortable.

Mr. Garrison is standing in the waiting room at a clinic, reading a magazine.

Receptionist: You can take a seat if you'd like, Mr. Garrison. It might be a few minutes.

Mr. Garrison: Uh, no, that's alright. I'd rather stand.

Receptionist: Suit yourself.

Mr. Garrison keeps looking at the magazine. There's a picture of Ryan Gosling.

Mr. Hat: [murmuring] That's a fine piece of ass right there.

Mr. Garrison: [whispering in an admonishing tone] Mr. Hat! Not in public!

Mr. Garrison glances down at a little girl and her mom who are sitting nearby. The mom takes her daughter's hand and they scoot a few seats away.

Mr. Garrison: I'm sorry about him, ma'am. Mr. Hat just doesn't always know [glaring at Mr. Hat] when to shut the hell up.

Nurse: [stepping through the door to the waiting room] Mr. Garrison? We're ready for you.

Mr. Garrison walks out of the waiting room with the nurse.

Mr. Garrison sits on the examination table in a gown. (Mr. Hat is also in a little gown.) There is a doctor standing nearby, reviewing some notes on a clipboard.

Doctor: There's definitely something wrong, alright. This is the most bizarre scrotal infection I've seen in years.

Mr. Garrison: Oh God. Do you know what it is?

Doctor: Not yet. The swelling is quite abnormal, and there's enough build-up of dead tissue that this doesn't appear to be a simple rash or virus. I've never seen anything quite like it. [He looks over his notes again.] I can't think of what it could possibly—Oh. Oh God.

Mr. Garrison: What is it?

Doctor: Mr. Garrison, have you ever been to South America?

Mr. Garrison: Well, I did take a vacation in Peru once, but, God, that must have been six years ago.

Doctor: I see. Well, for now, we can run a few urine tests, but if they come back negative for all the common possibilities, I'm afraid you'll have to stay at the hospital overnight so we can take a blood sample for something… different.

The kids enter their classroom the next day. Mr. Garrison isn't there. Instead, a heavy-set, stern-looking woman in her fifties stands solemnly at the front of the class.

Cartman: Yes! Substitute! This is going to be awesome!

Kenny: (I'll start making spit-balls.)

Kyle: At 8:40, everyone say that you have to go to the bathroom.

Several nearby students: Yeah!

Mrs. Grimm: [In a thundering, somewhat masculine voice] Silence!

Everyone immediately stops talking. Mrs. Grimm writes her name on the blackboard.

Mrs. Grimm: I realize that I am a substitute teacher, and that little brats like you find it amusing to make things difficult for substitute teachers, but I am letting you know now that I will not tolerate misconduct at any time. You will be sent immediately to the principal's office. Consider this your warning. Now, allow me to go over the rules of my classroom.

Bebe: Mrs. Grimm? Where's Mr. Garrison?

Mrs. Grimm: Young lady, what is your name?

Bebe: Bebe Stevens.

Mrs. Grimm (writing something on a sheet of paper): Miss Stevens, you have spoken out of turn. Please report to the principal's office immediately.

Bebe sheepishly walks to the front of the room, takes the note from Mrs. Grimm, and walks out of the room.

Stan (whispering to Kyle): Whoa, she really means it.

Mrs. Grimm: And what is your name, young man?

Stan: …Eric Cartman.

Cartman: Hey! He's lying!

Mrs. Grimm: Oh? And what's your name?

Cartman: Oh. I'm Kyle Broflovski, ma'am.

Kyle: No he isn't! [Pointing at Stan] That's Stan Marsh, [pointing at Cartman] that's Eric Cartman, and I'm Kyle Broflovski.

Mrs. Grimm: Well, all three of you can head down to the principal's office.

Charlie: That's not fair! Kyle just—

Mrs. Grimm: And you, young man.

Kenny starts laughing.

Charlie: I'm not a boy. I'm—

Mrs. Grimm: Go! And you! [Pointing at Kenny] There is to be no laughter in this classroom!

Kenny walks out after them. They all walk down the hall toward the principal's office.

Stan: Wow, what a bitch.

Cartman: Seriously, she needs to get that pinecone out of her ass.

They sit down outside of the principal's office and wait for her to finish with Bebe. A few seconds later, Clyde and Butters walk up and stand next to them (since they're out of chairs to wait in).

Kyle: Already? What did you do?

Clyde: I sneezed into my hands instead of a tissue.

Butters: I said, "Bless you."

Bebe walks out of the principal's office and stares at the seven of them.

Bebe: Wow, that substitute really is a bitch, isn't she?

Stan: Yeah.

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Charlie all enter the principal's office. Principal Victoria is writing on a notepad on her desk. She looks up and sees the kids, then she sighs.

Principal Victoria: Oh boy. What did you kids do this time?

There's a brief pause.

Kyle: We don't know.

Victoria: Very funny. Now why were you sent here?

Stan (more slowly than Kyle): We don't know.

Victoria: Well, give me that note. [Stan hands her the note from Mrs. Grimm.] It says here that you were talking out of turn and… laughing.

Stan: See? We didn't do anything. That substitute's just a jerk.

Victoria: Your substitute is not a jerk. She just has different rules. It'll all pan out once you kids get used to them.

Charlie: But—

Victoria: I don't want to hear it. You kids ought to learn to respect your teachers anyhow. Now, this time, I'll let you off with a warning. But if I see you down here again, it's detention for all of you. Understand?

The kids walk out of the office, where they see that there are six or seven kids from class waiting in the hall.

Mr. Garrison sits in a hospital bed in a gown. (Mr. Hat is also in a gown.) A doctor enters the room with a clipboard.

Doctor: The test results are in. I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Mr. Garrison: Give it to me straight, Doc.

Doctor: You have elephantitis in your scrotum and testes.

Mr. Garrison: Wha—Elephantitis? In my balls?

Doctor: Yes, in your balls.

Mr. Garrison: Well… that's good, isn't it? Giant balls?

Doctor: I'm afraid it's not nearly as good as it sounds. [He peeks under Mr. Garrison's gown.] It appears to be quite infected. It's possible that surgery will be necessary to remove all this built-up fluid and scar tissue. And the pus. There's a lot of pus down here.

Mr. Garrison: Oh no.

The doctor leans in further.

Doctor: Yep. You'll definitely need surgery.

Mr. Garrison: This can't be happening!

Mr. Hat: I told you, Mr. Garrison. I've been telling you for the last three months, "You really ought to get that checked out, Mr. Garrison." But no, it was always, "I'm fine," or "I'll just use some of that topical cream from the drugstore and it'll all calm down."

Mr. Garrison (angrily): You're not helping, Mr. Hat.

Doctor (still looking under the gown): Seriously, have you ever heard of soap?

Mr. Garrison: How on earth could this have happened?

Doctor (standing upright again): Well, it's most likely that you contracted the disease through a mosquito bite in Peru.

Mr. Garrison: But that was years ago!

Doctor: The microbes that cause elephantitis can exist in your bloodstream for up to eight years without manifesting themselves how they have here. Fortunately, with simple antibiotics, a few intravenous injections, and, of course, scrotal surgery, it is entirely treatable.

Mr. Garrison: Well, when can I have the surgery? I'm a schoolteacher, and it's hard on my students if I'm gone for too long.

Doctor: We could operate tomorrow, apart from one problem.

Mr. Garrison: What's that?

Doctor: Well, it appears that your insurance plan specifically excludes any surgery or treatment of the genital region.

Mr. Garrison (sighing): Oh dear. So how much will it cost?

Doctor: Thirty thousand dollars.

Mr. Garrison: Thirty thousand dollars? I'm an elementary school teacher for Christ's sake! I don't have thirty thousand dollars!

Doctor: Well that's too bad, because until you come up with thirty thousand dollars, we can't operate.

The doctor walks out of the room. Mr. Garrison lies back in the bed.

Mr. Hat: It looks like I'm going to have to start working the streets again, Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, I can't let you do that to yourself again.

Mr. Hat: Well, how else are we going to raise all that money?

Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Mr. Hat. I just don't know.