"Elephant Balls"


Part 3. Ricky Martin Saves Mr. Garrison's Balls


Kyle, Charlie, and Butters set up a table outside the Stotch house. There is a poster attached the table that says "Bake Sale." The kids are putting various cakes, cupcakes, cookies, etc. on the table.

Charlie: Okay. Now Kyle and I will man the table. Butters, you keep baking.

Butters: Yes ma'am!

Butters runs inside. Kyle and Charlie sit down behind the table. After a moment, a woman walks by.

Charlie: Excuse me, ma'am. Would you care to buy something? We're raising money to help pay for our teacher's scrotum surgery.

The woman looks oddly at the kids and walks away quickly.

Kyle: Maybe she was allergic to gluten.

Charlie: Hey, I never thought of that! [She stands up and shouts back to the house.] BUTTERS!

Butters (peeking out the door): Yeah?

Charlie: Can you make something without flour in it?

Butters: Uh… Sure, I guess.

A man walks by.

Kyle: Would you like to buy something? All the proceeds go towards scrotum surgery. Our teacher has elephantitis.

Man (annoyed): Ha-ha, very funny, kid.

Charlie: Don't worry, that guy was just a jerk.

A man and his wife walk up to the table.

Chester: A bake sale?

Marguerite: Oh Chester, how quaint! Should we buy something?

Charlie: All the proceeds go to a good cause.

Chester (smiling, obviously charmed): Really? What cause are you little heroes fundraising for?

Kyle: We're raising money to help pay for our teacher's scrotal surgery.

Chester (no longer smiling): …What?

Charlie: Our teacher has elephantitis in his scrotum and he needs an expensive surgery. Might I recommend the chocolate cupcakes?

The man and woman hurry away, looking disturbed.

Charlie (as she talks, several people walk by and stare with confused expressions): Damn it! How come every time we tell someone we're raising money to operate on Mr. Garrison's elephant scrotum people walk away and don't buy anything?

Kyle: I don't know. Maybe they've never heard of scrotal elephantitis before, so they don't know for sure that it's really a good cause.

Charlie: I think you're on to something. [She pauses and rubs her chin, thinking.] Hey, I know! [She talks quietly now so no passersby hear her.] We should say that Mr. Garrison has a disease everybody's heard of… like...like brain cancer.

Kyle: You mean we should lie?

Charlie: It's not lying exactly.

Kyle looks at her.

Charlie: Well, yeah, it's lying, but it isn't a bad lie. Think of it this way: Mr. Garrison has a serious medical problem and he needs an expensive surgery. We're helping him by raising money for it. In the end, does it really matter what exactly the medical problem is, as long as we're honestly trying to help?

Kyle: I don't know… but I guess that makes some sense.

Charlie: Right!

She takes the "Bake Sale" poster and a marker and adds "RAISING MONEY FOR TEACHER'S BRAIN SURGERY" on the bottom.

Charlie: Now we'll just say the exact same stuff we were saying before, only we'll say "brain" instead of "scrotum" and "cancer" instead of "elephantitis."

A man walking by stops when he sees the table.

Man: A bake sale? Count me in!

Charlie: All the proceeds will be used for our teacher's brain surgery.

Man: Brain surgery? Good God!

Kyle: He has cancer.

Man: You dear, sweet little angels! I'll buy some of these Snickerdoodle Delights, please! [He hands Charlie fifty dollars.] Please, keep the change. It's… the least I can do. [He shouts to everyone who can hear.] Everyone! These darling children are raising money for their teacher's brain surgery!

Hordes of people run up to the stand. Kyle and Charlie look at each other. Charlie shrugs and smiles.


The mayor is working at her desk. One of her assistants pokes his head into the room.

Johnson: There are some little boys here to see you, Mayor.

Mayor: Would you please tell these kids I'm not really Aquaman?

Johnson: They say it has something to do with elephantitis.

Mayor: Really? Send them in.

Cartman, Kenny, and Stan, dressed in suits (Kenny's suit is on over his parka), enter the mayor's office. Cartman is carrying a large easel with a few posters for their presentation. The first poster says, "Who Is a Teacher?"

Cartman: Thank you for agreeing to meet with us, Mayor McDaniels. By the way, before we start, I LOVED you in Aquaman.

Mayor (sighing): Thanks. Continue.

Cartman: Our presentation for you is titled, "Who is a Teacher?" Well, to us, the answer is clear. [He flips to the next poster, which is a drawing of Mr. Garrison.] A teacher is a person who lets you learn and grow without stifling you with constant punishment and unreasonable expectations.

Stan: A teacher is a person who lets you ask questions in class and doesn't give you three-thousand word essays to write overnight.

Kenny: (A teacher is an individual who facilitates both intellectual curiosity and academic excellence through a combination of talking and listening, and playing with a puppet.)

Cartman: A teacher is someone who helps you. But sometimes, it's the teacher who needs help. And we, the students, are here to help him today. In a travesty of injustice, Mr. Garrison's health insurance policy, as offered by the system, does not cover surgeries of the genitals.

Stan: Mr. Garrison has elephantitis in his scrotum. He is in such excruciating pain that he is unable to teach us, his students. The recommended treatment is surgery. But without insurance, this surgery costs $30,000.


Forty-five minutes later…

Kenny: (Don't let this injustice continue. Don't let the students suffer. Don't make Mr. Garrison live with elephant balls for the rest of his life.)

Cartman: Who is a teacher? Mr. Garrison is a teacher. And a teacher deserves the right to have scrotal surgeries included in his health insurance policy. Thank you.

Mayor: Well, that was a very moving presentation, boys. I'm truly touched.

Cartman: So you'll change the policy?

Mayor: I'm afraid I can't do that.

Stan: What?

Mayor: I don't make those sorts of decisions. You'll have to talk to the school board about that.

They stare at her, shocked.

Cartman (kicking the easel over): Oh, goddamn it!


Kyle runs into the Stotch house and enters the kitchen. Butters looks exhausted and is covered in flour and bits of dough. He's slumped over a pile of dough and a rolling pin on the counter.

Kyle: Dude, you've got to hurry up! We're running out of stuff!

Butters: I'm tryin', I'm tryin'. I've been baking for seven hours already.

Kyle: Yeah, and you're doing a great job, but we've got a whole crap-load of hungry people out there who want to feel good about themselves by buying baked goods for a worthy cause.

Butters: I know. I'll try harder.

Kyle: And make some more of those snickerdoodles. People love those.

Kyle goes back outside. Charlie is still at the table, looking frazzled. There are a good thirty people standing around the table, some holding out cash.

Man: I want the almond brownies!

Woman: Can I have the chocolate cupcakes?

Kyle: People! We're starting to run low on baked goods! Our chef is working but we're having trouble keeping up with the demand! Remember: we accept donations!

Man #2: What good are donations without sugar cookies to show for it?

Charlie: [She looks up at the crowd with a sad expression.] Well, what good are sugar cookies with a malignant tumor in your brain? How can you enjoy cookies and brownies when our poor, poor teacher is wasting away from the chemotherapy on a respirator? [She tears up.] You can have your snickerdoodles and frosted cupcakes, but remember: while you eat your sugary pastries, our teacher could be drawing his last breath and dying. Of brain cancer.

The people have all stopped talking.

Woman #2: ...She's right! We're so selfish!

Man #3: It takes the wisdom of a child to show us where our priorities should be. I'm emptying my wallet for these children right now, and if you people don't do the same… well... Have fun burning in Hell!

The crowd starts handing fistfuls of money to Charlie (who smiles with satisfaction) and Kyle (who looks conflicted over the whole thing).


It's later that same night. Cartman, Stan, Kenny, Kyle, Charlie, Butters, Tweek, Craig, and Clyde are once again in Cartman's basement. Becca is downstairs, distributing birthday party invitations to Butters, Tweek, Craig, and Clyde.

Becca: It's on Sunday and it's monkey-themed.

Cartman: Thank you, Becca. Now go away.

Becca: Bye, Kenny!

She goes upstairs.

Cartman: Well, our campaign to the Mayor was a bust. It turns out we'll have to direct our appeal to the school board, which isn't meeting again until next Tuesday. Clyde, could you give an update on your group's progress?

Clyde: Well, I made $28, Craig made $34, and Tweek got $15 from his parents.

Cartman (putting a hand to his head in frustration): [Sigh.] Tweek, you didn't go door-to-door?

Tweek (shaking and pulling on his hair): I couldn't do it, man! Too much pressure!

Cartman: Charlie. Give me good news. Please.

Kyle and Charlie lift up and dump a large bucket of money onto the table. The rest of the kids stare at it with awe. Charlie looks pleased with herself.

Charlie: This is $3,226.

There is a long pause.

Cartman: …What?

Charlie: I said, we made $3,226.

Stan: ...I thought you said you were doing a bake sale!

Charlie: We did. We had the most epic bake sale in bake sale history.

Kyle: Okay, everyone, stop for a second. [He sighs and looks down guiltily.] We shouldn't have made this much money.

Cartman: What do you mean you "shouldn't have made this much money"?

Kyle: We made this much money because Charlie lied and said that Mr. Garrison needed surgery because he was dying of brain cancer. She got all these people to give money without even buying anything.

Charlie looks both embarrassed and annoyed.

Cartman: Charlie, is this true?

Charlie: …Technically, yeah, I guess.

Cartman walks up to Charlie.

Cartman: It's so devious. So...unethical. It's just bad enough to be evil, but not quite bad enough to be illegal.

He hugs her.

Cartman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are my wings.

Charlie: I'm your what?

Cartman: Change of plans! From now on, everyone is working the bake sale. Now who here can bake?

Butters: I did all the baking today.

Cartman: Normally, I'd say Charlie should get her bitch ass in the kitchen with you, but given the circumstances, I won't.

Charlie (sarcastically): Aw, how considerate.

Cartman: I'm seriously, who else can cook?

Kenny: (I can make some sweet-ass brownies.)

Tweek: Ah! I'll help! I-ngh!-I can't deal with customers. It's too much pressure!


Cartman and Craig sit at a bake sale table by Cartman's house. People crowd around the table, waving money.

Craig: Thank you. Our poor teacher appreciates your support.

Cartman (loudly): I just hope we're not too late! If we don't raise the thirty thousand dollars soon, he will surely die!


Stan and Clyde are at a table by Clyde's house. There are people swarming this table too.

Clyde: Thanks, our cancer-stricken teacher appreciates your donations.

Stan (quietly to Clyde): Dude, are you sure this is okay?

Clyde: Honestly, if it means we get rid of that bitch substitute, I don't really give a shit.


Charlie and Kyle's table, still in front of the Stotch house, has the most visitors. The Channel 4 news crew is there.

Creamy Goodness: I'm here reporting on the story of nine South Park children who are holding a bake sale to raise funds for their teacher's brain surgery. Usually, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Clyde Donovan, Kenny McCormick, Charlie Pierzynski, Butters Stotch, Tweek Tweak, and Craig Tucker are normal third-grade students. But after they learned that their teacher had been diagnosed with late-stage brain cancer, they were no longer content with their passive roles as students. Today, they are heroes.

Man (being interviewed): These children really opened my eyes to how every person can make a difference in the world.

Woman (being interviewed): Those kids are angels, absolute angels.

Creamy Goodness: Bake-sale-participant Eric Cartman credits eight-year-old Charlie Pierzynski with suggesting the bake sale.

Cartman (being interviewed): Even though she's a girl, that kid has the biggest balls I've ever seen. Well, the biggest balls not infected with elephantitis, that is.


Mr. Garrison sits on his couch, watching the news report.

Mr. Garrison: Oh my God. Those dirty little liars.

Mr. Hat: We ought to kick some sense into those little fuckers.

Mr. Garrison: Not now, Mr. Hat. I don't think my balls have ever been in this much pain.

There's a knock at the door.

Mr. Garrison: It's unlocked! Come in!

The nine bake sale kids, along with dozens of other townspeople, come rushing into the house.

Mr. Garrison: What the-?

Cartman: We did it, Mr. Garrison! We raised enough money for your surgery!

Mr. Garrison: With a bake sale?

Cartman: Yeah! You should've seen it! Ricky Martin heard about the bake sale on the news, so he came to my stand and bought a plate of cookies for fifteen thousand dollars!

Mr. Garrison (suddenly looking pleased): Ricky Martin gave fifteen thousand dollars to save my balls?

Cartman: Technically, Ricky Martin gave fifteen thousand dollars to save your brain.

Man: Let's get you to the hospital! You've got a big surgery ahead of you!

The crowd lifts up Mr. Garrison, who starts yelling in pain, and carries him out of the house.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

In the hospital, Mr. Garrison lies in a bed after undergoing surgery. There are dozens of people in the room, including the kids from the bake sale.

Mr. Garrison: I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your help.

Woman: I can't believe how quickly you seem to be recovering!

Man: Yeah, how is he speaking again already? He just got out of brain surgery two hours ago.

Kyle: He didn't have brain surgery, you idiots!

Woman: What?

Mr. Garrison: Kyle's right. I don't have brain cancer. I have elephantitis.

Man: Elephantitis?

Mr. Garrison: In my scrotum.

Man: ...Isn't that a good thing?

Mr. Garrison: Trust me, it's not nearly as nice as it sounds.

Woman: I can't believe it! I donated $200 for [pointing at Mr. Garrison] this freak to get surgery on his balls? These kids lied to us!

Charlie: Only because you people wouldn't buy anything when we told you the truth!

Mr. Garrison: That doesn't make it right, Charlotte.

Charlie: I know. [She sighs, then says to the angry townspeople] I'm sorry, everybody.

All of the townspeople look pissed off and walk away. One of them pops a bouquet of "Get well soon" balloons as he leaves.

Kyle: You know, I think I learned something today.

Stan: What's that?

Kyle: It's never okay to lie, even if you think it's for a good cause. It always leads to trouble.

Cartman: Well, it worked out okay this time, didn't it?

Stan: Yeah, I guess it did. Mr. Garrison got his surgery and soon we'll get that stupid bitch out of the classroom.

Charlie: So I guess we learned that lying is okay, because it all works out in the end.

Kids: Hooray!

Mr. Garrison: Now, kids, I don't think that's a good—

Cartman: Crap! I almost forgot that today is Becca's birthday party!

Charlie: Sorry, Mr. Garrison! We have to go!

The kids all leave the room.

Mr. Garrison: So I guess it's just you and me again, Mr. Hat.

Mr. Hat: How do your balls feel, Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: Sore and swollen.

Mr. Hat: That's a bitch, ain't it?


The nine kids, Ike Broflovski, and Karen McCormick sit around a table at the Cartman house. Becca sits at the end of the table. Ms. Cartman places a cake in the shape of a monkey's head in front of Becca. It has five candles. They are finishing singing "Happy Birthday."

All (singing): …Happy birthday, dear Becca. Happy birthday to you.

Becca blows out the candles and Ms. Cartman starts cutting the cake. Becca smiles at her guests, then frowns and hops out of her seat. She walks up to Kenny.

Becca: Kenny, can I talk to you for a minute?

Kenny looks uncomfortable, but Becca grabs his hand and walks with him to the living room. Charlie and Kyle inconspicuously follow them. Once there, Becca takes a deep breath and looks down.

Becca: I'm sorry, Kenny. I can't go on like this. I… I'm just tired of living a lie. [She turns her back to him dramatically.] It's not that you haven't been good to me. You have. It's just… there's someone else. [She turns back around to face him.] Please don't hate me Kenny. I still have feelings for you. In a way, maybe I always will. But I think it'd be best if we parted ways, at least for now.

Kenny: (Okay!)

Becca grabs Kenny by the front of his jacket, kisses him on the lips, then hurries away. Charlie and Kyle both gasp. Kenny stares after Becca, baffled. Cartman walks up to him, looking pissed, as he wipes the kiss off his face.

Cartman: Kenny! You dirty bastard!

He leaps at Kenny and they both fall down. Cartman attacks Kenny, who is struggling to get out. Charlie and Kyle look surprised but don't do anything. After a few seconds, Kenny gets Cartman off and they both stand up. Cartman still looks furious.

Cartman: You keep your dirty hands away from Becca, or I swear to God, I will rip your nuts off!

Cartman walks away. Kenny signs "fuck you" arm thing and walks away in the other direction. Charlie sighs.

Charlie: I can't believe it. My five-year-old sister had her first kiss before I did. [She sighs again.] Son-of-a-bitch.


At the end of the party, Becca walks up to Butters, who is coloring at the table.

Becca (grinning): Hi Butters.

Butters: Oh, hello, birthday girl. I just drew you a picture. It's a monkey, see?

Becca gasps in delight as she takes the picture.

Becca: I will treasure it always.

Butters: Huh?

Becca grabs his hand and walks away with him.

Becca: You're my new boyfriend. We're going to have so much fun together!


THE END