Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from this fanfiction, nor do I own the concept of Top Gear. This is a silly and non-logical fanfiction, and should not at all be taken seriously.
Top Girls: the Christmas Episode
"Welcome, welcome," Misato Katsuragi smiled as the purple-black haired woman waved her hand to quiet the crowd a bit, "welcome to Top Gear! Tonight's our Christmas episode, and we have a lot of exciting things to show you."
Ritsuko Akagi looked vaguely pained as the dyed blonde haired woman often called 'Captain Slow' noted, "I'll be trotting out several gifts, and as you know I'll have picked them properly."
Maya Ibuki nodded as the slightly more stylish brown haired girl noted, "And we'll be testing out the new Bugatti Veyron against the Evangelion Unit-0."
Misato pouted as she noted, "I wanted to drive the Veyron, but after my accident with the Honda exploding, our insurers won't let me drive it."
"Can you blame them?" Ritsuko muttered.
Misato looked at her, "What was that?"
Ritsuko smiled, "Nothing, nothing."
"Anyway, our first review will be the new Mitsuoka Susanoo," Maya sighed heading off a argument as they cut to their 'test track,' really a section of Tokyo-3 cleared of traffic.
The 2 door coupe raced by with a grinning Misato sitting behind the wheel, the sleek black car racing along merrily. It had a lot of very busy decoration, swoops and turns along the body, and a small but effective looking spoiler. The lights were high up on each side of the rounded hood, and it gave it a slightly dazed look.
"The Susanoo is the latest in Mitsuoka's line of exclusive, low production cars," Misato noted conversationally, "and it's their first to reach a run of a thousand cars. However, it's a incredibly powerful machine."
The engine roared as Misato floored it, the thrust pushing her back into the seat. "It's not the fastest car due to it's weight," Misato noted, "but the redesigned Honda engine produces some incredible horsepower."
Another roar as the engine shifted gear, the car skidding onto a straighaway. The turbo kicked in and slammed Misato backwards, even as smoke poured out from the back wheels. "Poweerr!" Misato yelled as it raced along. "It manages zero to sixty under three seconds, then just keeps on going to a respectable two hundred. However," she grabbed the wheel and braked, "it has some issues."
Slowing down it nearly fishtailed as the back end dragged, and the car wobbled dangerously. "The four wheel drive and traction control try hard," Misato noted, "but it suffers from both under-steer and over-steer, depending on circumstances."
"However," Misato said as she raced towards another turn, "I think I've mastered it." They started to turn as she muttered, "Easy.. easy... oh damn." Suddenly the car spun out, blowing smoke as she wrestled it to a stop. "Well, damn," she sighed.
They cut to a scene with her standing by the car as Misato continued, "The five speed transmission would be nice if it wasn't a automatic, but sadly they've crippled the poor thing. It's also hideously expensive, running from twenty million yen, and that's not counting optional extras."
Misato gestured to the car, "It's a powerful, fun ride, but I really can't recommend it."
They switched to the studio, where the Susanoo was sitting amid the crowds as Misato, Ritsuko and Maya stood nearby. "So, it's a fun ride but too expensive?" Ritsuko summarized.
"That and the steering bites," Misato admitted cheerfully, "it's a bit like driving a American supercar, as if you were trying to haul a cow upstairs."
"I want to apologize to all our American viewers," Maya sighed as the crowd chuckled.
Ritsuko just ignored that, "Now, we need to see how fast the Susanoo is, which means taking it around our test track. And that means handing it over to our tame racing driver."
Misato smiled slightly, "Some say she secretly wants to trigger Third Impact." She paused as the crowd murmured, "And that she has two mothers and was born in a laboratory. All we know is, she's called the Stig!"
Out in the Susanoo a figure dressed in a black jumpsuit and helmet Started the car, reving it up a moment before roaring off. "And the Stig is off!" Misato declared, "Building speed on the straight, but she'll need to brake soon!"
Tires squealed as the Stig twisted around the corner, wobbling a bit. "there's that under-steer, but the Stig is keeping it handled," Misato noted. "there's the Schumaker memorial turn, bit more wobble there. Down through Gambon-2, another turn and over the line!"
The crowd clapped as Misato, Ritsuko and Maya walked over to the track time board, Misato carrying the slip of paper. "I didn't think it did so badly," Ritsuko noted, "other than the steering issues."
"I expected it to be near the upper level of one minute or so, but sadly it didn't make it," Misato admitted as she moved the sheet to the middle rank, "one minute and ten seconds."
"And now the news!" Ritsuko said. "Well, normally it'd be the news, but in fact we'll be discussing Christmas gifts today."
The three women settled around the couch, where a TV monitor was waiting with the Top Gear logo, along with piles of stuff. "And I just want to say that, unlike our last special," Misato held up a NERV mug pointedly, "there will be no product placement by our sponsors."
"No," Maya agreed, opening her jacket to reveal a NERV t-shirt, "no product placement at all."
"You two...," Ritsuko sighed, shaking her head as the crowd laughed. "Of course there's going to be product placement, NERV is actually producing gear that's useful to drivers."
"So, what did you bring today, senpai?" Maya asked curiously.
"The NERV plugsuit, driver's edition," Ritsuko said as the image of the redhead modelling it appeared on the TV screen. The orange material stuck like a second skin, causing whistles from young men in the crowd. Ritsuko ignored that as she continued, "It's fire resistant, puncture resistant and temperature controlled."
"And isn't there another version?" Misato asked with a sly smile.
Ritsuko flushed slightly. "There is also this version, yes," she conceded as a perky, brown haired girl with glasses appeared n the screen, modelling a slightly different one. You could tell she was perky because the front of the plugsuit was mostly transparent.
"I hearby dub this the 'Happy sexy times' version," Misato pronounced.
Defensively Maya said, "As I understand it this was designed for better medical monitoring of the pilot."
"Well, you can certainly be monitoring a lot with that," Misato joked. She rummaged around, "Which reminds me, have you seen the latest shirts they're marketing?"
"Shirts?" Ritsuko asked suspiciously.
"You all remember the indestructible Toyota, right?" Misato asked as she held the cloth in her arm, "Well, Toyota has a new ad campaign." She held up the t-shirt reading, 'Toyota: It even survived Second Impact.'
"Isn't that a bit tasteless?" Maya had to say.
"Agreed," Misato said, "but I have something that'll improve it." She casually took out a lighter and set the shirt on fire, then dropped it too the floor.
"It's too close to the presents!" Ritsuko yelped as the burning shirt caught a box on fire.
"Ack!" Misato started stomping on the flaming shirt and box, even as Maya readied the fire extinguisher. They successfully got t out, Misato collapsuing back into her seat with a sigh.
"Idiot," Ritsuko sighed.
Maya decided to ignore that as she said, "Moving on..."
"Yes," Ritsuko sighed, "well, despite our covering supercars on our show, we are aware that not everyone can afford one. But Toymec, a small company in England, has a solution!" She wipped off the cloth covering the object beside her, "Pedal powered replicas of supercars!"
Misato burst into laughter at the mini car, open topped like a child's pedal car. Unlike a child's toy though it was a accurate replica, at least on the outside. "Who could fit it?" she demanded, looking it over. She smiled suddenly, "Maya!"
"Do I have to?" Maya complained as the more petite girl climbed in. With a bit of adjustment she managed to get her feet to the pedals, grabbed the wheel and zipped around the hangar. "This is actually kind of fun," she conceded.
"All right," Misato said after they pried Maya out of the car and settled around the TV, "what's next?"
"Uhm, you know how companies like to put logos on products?" Maya asked with a slight blush, "Well, I found something interesting shopping a few days ago." She produced a small tube shapped object and passed it to Ritsuko.
Ritsuko looked at the steel tube, with a NERV logo on it. "It looks like a entry plug," she noted, passing it to Misato.
"Twist the bottom," a blushing Maya told her.
Misato did, then jerked as the tube began to vibrate and warm in her hands. She nearly dropped it in surprise, then laughed. "Well, that's one use for a entry plug," she chuckled, shaking her head. "What kind of shop did you go into?" she questioned.
Everyone laughed as Maya sank deeper into her seat. "Well, let's move on to our challenge," Ritsuko took pity on her coworker as she said, "and it's going to be a doozy. We're racing a Bugatti Veyron Epsilon against the Evangelion!"
"And to keep things interesting, Ritsuko and I will be trying to cross Tokyo-3 using just public transit while they race," Misato said cheerfully.
"To make things more even the Evangelion will not be allowed to damage any buildings or vehicles, which will compensate somewhat for it's giant steps," Ritsuko said. "Now, let's get to it!"
Outside on the streets of Tokyo-3, the massive blue Evangelion was set in a runner's start position, while Maya was at the wheel of the sleek, powerful Bugatti Veyron. Maya flexed her hands on the wheel, "The Unit-0 is the prototype, and is a bit clumsy. With that plus the raw power of this car, I'm confident," Maya paused, "ish."
"Go!" the lab coated man with a almost pedo-beard declared.
The Evangelion was off, stepping masively as it carefully avoided hitting anything. With a squeel of tires Maya was off, even as Misato and Ritsuko walked to the train station. "Think Maya has a chance in hell?" Misato had to ask.
"Nope," Ritsuko admitted.
To be continued...?
Notes: This is sort of the Evangelion cast doing a 'tribute' to Top Gear. I could see Misato being a fan, at least, and maybe a few others too. This story was also strongly inspired by Nobody Dies, though it is not a direct crossover. (The entry plug vibrator was from Nobody Dies.)