Wheatley's song is based off "Marley and Marley" from The Muppet Christmas Carol. I recommend listening to in on Youtube so you know the tune which accompanies the song.

A Portal Carol

Her internal clocks were all damaged from a certain mute lunatic's murderous antics, but they were still accurate enough for GLaDOS to know what day it was; Christmas Eve. Of course, a veritable AI goddess such as her herself had no interest in that. All she cared about was science. In fact, the knowledge that if any humans were still alive, they were up there celebrating instead of being productive infuriated her, and GLaDOS took out her anger on the co-operative testing bots.

ATLAS and P-Body loved testing just as much as GLaDOS did, they were programmed to, but this new 'holiday' test track was a bit much even for them. P-Body stared out at a hallway made entirely of 'mashey-spike-plates' which lay before the two. She beeped to ATLAS, questioning what they're next step should be. ATLAS shrugged, not entirely able to hear his partner due to his audio receptors having been corroded from the acid they had been forced to swim through at the beginning of this chamber.

"Hurry up, science isn't getting done while you two stand around like uncivilized humans." ATLAS whirred at GLaDOS' comment and shook his fist, they were trying their best! "If you don't solve this test within the next five minutes, I will add twenty percent more acid and spike plates." P-Body tentatively stepped forward into the crusher hallway. As soon as her foot touched the floor every spike plate, even those all the way at the end of the hallway, descended. Chunks of P-Body flew everywhere, forcing ATLAS to duck lest he get hit by a piece of arm.

At the other end of the test chamber, P-Body stumbled out of her reassembly chamber. She made a whirring noise quite similar to a gulp as it became clear she'd have to re-navigate all the other obstacles they had previously passed, including the acid river. ATLAS took pity on his testing partner and fired a portal on the wall next to him, then one to a wall adjacent to P-Body so she could bypass the rest of the chamber. However the panel which ATLAS had fired at immediately vanished and was replaced by black, non-portable one. Both robots sighed in defeat (or came as close to sighing as beings without any form of respiratory system could).

"Well, your five minutes are up and I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is I'm not going to add any more acid or crushers. The bad news is I found something better. Deploying Aperture Science Seasons Greetings Androids in 3... 2... 1..." Nearly every panel of the chamber's ceiling retraced and turrets wearing Santa Claus hats poured from the new opening.

"Merry Christmas!" The turrets cheerfully said as they all opened fire on ATLAS and P-Body. GLaDOS raised her lower optic-shutter in the equivalent of a human smile and got to work designing the next chamber. It would have no walls, floor or ceiling, just a single button hovering in its center, surrounded by a bottomless pit. It would be very fun.

"GLaaaaaaaaaDDDOOOOOOSSSSSS! GLaaaaaaaDDDDOOOOOOOOS!" GLaDOS swung around, searching for the noise. According to her audio receptors it was coming from her lair, and not being broadcast from somewhere else in the facility. Suddenly a personality core appeared seemingly from nothingness. It was heavily damaged, with a cracked blue optic, and wrapped in chains which were attached to several frankenturrets. The hideous turre-cube hybrids futilely tried to pull away from the chains, which seemed to do nothing more than cause pain to their personality core master. Perhaps strangest of all was the core was floating, no management rail in sight, and an unearthly white glow surrounded it.

"GLaaaaaaaaaDDDOOOOOOOSSSSS! I am the ghost of your old business partner, Wheatley!" GLaDOS shook her head in amusement.

"You're not dead, moron."

"I am too! I'm a ghoooooost, sent from Android Hell to warn you of the horrific fate that awaits you." Wheatley shook back and forth to make his chains rattle in what he hoped was an intimidating fashion.

"No, you're not." GLaDOS' optic shot out a beam of light, creating an image of Wheatley floating aimlessly in space.

"They told me if I used my projector I would die!" Ghost Wheatley gasped. The alive Wheatley noticed he was being watched and turned to face GLaDOS.

"Oh, 'ello! Listen I know this is like the one thousand nine hundred and seventy eighth time I've asked this week... but can you get out of space now?" Wheatley pleaded.

"No." GLaDOS shut off her project and glared at ghost Wheatley. "See, you're not dead."

"Merely a clever illusion, luv. Meant to... um, placate you." GLaDOS had not been listening to this though, she was busy trying to figure out how the moron had managed to pull off this little stunt all the way from space, but her sensors said that she was the only AI in the room.

"I don't why I'm even talking to you. You're clearly just visual/auditory hallucination brought on by a some glitch in my mainframe. Probably sustained during the bird war. Yes, there's more of coding than corpses about you." Wheatley laughed heartily at GLaDOS' explanation.

"Oh no, I'm as real as any ghost can be. How else do you explain my presence?" Wheatley then remembered that GLaDOS had just done exactly that. "Wait, don't answer that."

"Why have come here?" GLaDOS asked, more bored and annoyed than startled or frightened. Much to her disgust, Wheatley answered... in song.

"I'm your old pal, Wheatley

Avaricious and greed

I took advantage of poor Chell

Just ignored the needy

I specialized in causing pain

Spreading fear and doubt

And if you could not solve my tests

I simply threw you out

I'm your old pal, Wheatley

My heart is painted black

I should have known my evil deeds

Would put me in theses shackles



I'm double-ironed

Exhausted by the weight

As freedom comes from giving love

So, prison comes with hate

I'm your old pal, Wheatley


I'm your old pal, Wheatley


The frankenturrets leapt towards GLaDOS and she became wrapped in their chains. "But you weren't unfeeling towards others. What about Chell? You cared about her."

"I cared... about her giving me solution euphoria! Oh man alive, those were the days..." Wheatley cackled and used the chains to pull GLaDOS' chassis towards him.

"Doomed, GLaDOS!

You're doomed for all time

Your future is a horror story

Written by your crime

Your chains are forged

By what you say and do

So, have your fun

When life is done

A nightmare waits for you"

GLaDOS shook herself violently, scattering the frankenturrets and dislodging the chains wrapped around her chassis. "Alright, what's all this about chains?"

"I forged these chains in life, and now I wear them in death! You wear such a chain yourself, its bloody massive!"

"I'm your old pal, Wheatley


I'm your old pal, Wheatley


I'm your old pal, Wheatley

And now it's time to part

To go back where they keep my kind

The wretched and the heartless

The news I shared

Has got you scared

I'm glad that I got through

So make amends,

And make some friends

The future's up to you!"

"Pretty good, eh? I spent like a week rehearsing that. Oh, yeah! I forgot to mention; you will be haunted by three spirits." Wheatley widened his optic and stared hauntingly at GLaDOS.

"Haunted? If the others are like you, I'll die of boredom before whatever 'punishment' you're talking about befalls me."

"Without these visits you cannot hope to avoid the fate I have! Expect the first ghost at the strike of one!"

"Just send all of them to me now, and get this over with." GLaDOS ordered. Wheatley shook himself.

"Expect the first ghost at the strike of one!" The frankenturrets sunk into the floor, their chains dragging Wheatley down with them.

"I'm your old pal, Wheatley


I'm your old pal, Wheatley


I'm your old pal, Wheatley


Wheatley vanished beneath the floor and GLaDOS' lair once more became silent. GLaDOS glanced around, making sure the ghostly personality core was truly gone. "Just a glitch." She muttered and went to check on ATLAS and P-Body's progress. However, just in case, GLaDOS set up a subprogram to alert her once it was in one o'clock...

As one approached GLaDOS became increasingly nervous, despite her attempts to rationalize Wheatley's visitation as some strange glitch or malfunction.

"Blue, Orange; Return to your disassembly stations to recharge for the night." GLaDOS had planned of having them test nonstop over the holidays; but if she did have another... visual and auditory glitch, she did not want the co-op bots to see it. To show them weakness was tantamount to inviting them to become dangerous mute lunatics.

Moments later, GLaDOS' mind was clouded with announcements that it was now officially one A.M. in the time zone the enrichment center was located in. GLaDOS whipped her chassis around, searching for another ghost... err, hallucinatory error and saw nothing. The AI sighed in relief, until she felt something pelt the back of her chassis. The foreign object rolled beneath her and GLaDOS looked down to investigate. It was a lemon, bearing the Aperture Science logo and a fuse.

"Greetings friend. I am Cave Johnson, CEO and founder of Christmas Past!"

Each chapter will be GLaDOS being visited by a different ghost. Can anyone guess who Christmas Present and Christmas Yet to Come are? Yet to Come should be pretty easy.