A/N: Hey people. So here's a short crackfic I wrote. My friend said I should, so I did. It's kind of silly, but hey, it's a crackfic. Between Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Buddy the Elf, from Elf. Duh. Enjoy!
This is dedicated to Cactus Luv and PrettyLittleGleeber. Merry Christmas guys, I love both of you dearly.
On with the show...
Buddy the elf got off his piece of ice and stepped onto the cold crunchy snow of the Candy Cane Forest. His long journey has lasted all through the night, which was probably like three hours or something. Anywho, Buddy was happily navigating his way when a movement of brown caught his eye.
Moving through the stalks of candy cane was a small reindeer; a deformed, terrible looking creature. He had a red nose, small nubs for antlers, and a twisted leg. He hobbled towards Buddy at an immaculately slow pace, something of a growl rising in the red-nosed reindeer's throat.
"Hey, little guy! You are quite special, aren't you?" Buddy asked kindly, bending forward towards it.
"Get the fuck away from me," he snapped. He trudged on past Buddy, grumbling.
Buddy turned aghast towards the stoutly creature. "Would you like a hug?" he pondered, his spirits brightening.
"No, now leave me the hell alone." It turned away from him once again and continued on its way.
Buddy sank with sadness; he wanted to make the poor reindeer feel better.
"Don't bother trying to make him feel better, he's been like this ever since he and Frosty started smoking weed together." A reindeer had come up to his side and watched as the scraggly wondrous animal grew smaller in the distance. "And yes, I just read your mind; I'm like Edward."
"No you're not, you dumbass." Another reindeer had appeared.
"Shut up, Comet. You're no vampire."
"Oh, you wanna go Donner? 'Cause it'll be on sooner than you can say winter wonderland."
"Guys, you must stop fighting, it's not healthy," said another reindeer that emerged from the swirled stalks.
"Who are you? Do you know that young strange reindeer that just walked off?" Buddy asked, perplexed where all the reindeer were coming from.
"Rudolph! Come back!" A lighter-colored female reindeer burst into the clearing. She was wearing a red polka-dot bow and had bright shiny eyes.
"Clarice, go back to your mother, Rudolph just needs some alone time," the one called Donner explained. "Isn't Cupid supposed to be babysitting you?"
"Yes, but the others wouldn't let Rudolph join in any of the reindeer games," Clarice sighed, feeling defeated and broken.
"Clarice? Where are you? There you are!" An elegant reindeer wearing a pink satin tie strode out to stand beside her, looking up at Buddy after a moment.
The third reindeer that had appeared was strong and muscular, and approached the stranger confidently. "Who are you? Did you come from Santa's workshop?" The big reindeer stared him down.
"Yes, I did. I'm on a quest to New York to meet my father," Buddy told the reindeer.
"Well, okay then. Just keep heading on through the path and you'll eventually get there."
"Thank you, kind reindeer. You work for Santa, don't you?"
"Yep, we do," Comet piped up, striding to stand by the bigger reindeer.
"But he's so sad, Cupid," Buddy heard Clarice saying to her fashionable babysitter.
"I'm sorry, honey, but you just need to give up on him. It's pointless, I'm sad to say." Cupid looked up to the muscular reindeer and smiled wickedly. "Looking good, Blitz," he winked at him.
"And you need to give up on me, Cupid," Blitzen said in a strong voice.
"So what's up with Rudolph? Is he gonna be okay?" Buddy asked innocently.
"No," Cupid mumbled, dejected by Blitzen.
"No matter what we try to do, he only seems to get worse over time," Clarice stated solemnly, looking off in the direction the deranged reindeer had gone.
"Oh," Buddy murmured. He looked down at his feet, shuffling them while he became sad for the little fella.
"Hey, don't be feelin' all gloomy for him." Comet had walked up, defiantly looking at Buddy. "Don't go tryin' to fix him, it's useless. He'll just go and bite ya head off," Comet finished, turning back around.
"Should we sing him the song?" Blitzen spoke up suddenly, kind of enthusiastic for such a dire situation to the elf.
"No!" Clarice whined, shaking her head, but more enthusiasm built up around the other reindeer, cheering and agreeing on it.
"We made up this song," Cupid informed, smirking.
The reindeer stood together facing him, Clarice standing off to the side looking horrified. Buddy didn't know why, I mean, the reindeer were going to sing him a song!
"You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
Rudolph, the deranged freaky reindeer, had a bad personality and if you ever experienced it you would even say it sucked.
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him "gimp", they never let dumbass Rudolph join in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say: "Rudolph with your fugliness, won't you just please leave tonight?"
Then how the reindeer rejoiced, as they shouted out rude remarks, "Rudolph, the fucked up reindeer, you'll go down in history."
The four grown reindeer jumped around laughing, not able to control themselves. Buddy stood there, frowning.
"That's not very nice," he started.
"Oh, come on," Donner belted out, getting into another fit of laughter, "Rudolph the fucked up reindeer!" The others laughed even harder.
Clarice shared a glance with Buddy before trotting off, disappearing between the tall pieces of candy cane.
Buddy shook his head in disapproval, walking away.
"Where are you going?" Cupid called after him.
"New York. Away from you meany butts," he murmured.
"You wanna come back here and say that to my face tubby?" Buddy turned to look at Comet. "You think you can just insult me and walk away? Well, I don't think so!" Comet pulled a gun from out of nowhere, aiming at Buddy.
"Please don't," Buddy begged, wanting to cry.
"Then get out of here befores I blow your head off!" Comet was getting extremely angry, so Buddy turned and trotted away quickly, now scared of Santa's magical reindeer.
Once he was far enough away, having jogged for a couple of minutes to feel at a comfortable distance, he thought back to his eventful day, shaking his head and continuing on, when he would then later try to make friends with and hug a raccoon.
Everyone knows how that'll end.
I DESTROYED A CHILDREN'S CLASSIC :0 What did you think? Like it? Love it? Hate it? REVIEW!